How Many Stray Dogs Does It Take to Get Two Drunks Arrested On Vacation: This Episode Brought To You By Orion Beer And A Lack Of Shame.

Why we all love Okinawa

I occasionally like to travel.  Most of the time it’s just an excuse to get drunk in new places with new people.  I like new people because new people are people that haven’t yet pissed me off and the great thing about being on vacation is that it’s temporary so the new people don’t usually have time to piss you off.  But this isn’t about my dislike of the human race but of my decent into the land of Orion beer and this wonderful concoction only a lunatic that knows how to cook could think up called taco rice (I’ll even be nice and give you my recipe for this confusing pile of awesome at the end).  This is about Okinawa, a tropical paradise of white sands, warm skies and fucking stray dogs on every other corner.  I think it’s the law that there must be at least one stray dog for every 6 kilometers of highway.  Anyway this isn’t a story about them it’s the story of one dog that wasn’t a stray but had strayed into the path of an oncoming car and a police station filled with wonder and probably a debate on whether or not I should be arrested.   So I went to Okinawa and it’s a nice place.  One of the funny things about Japan is that you can drink in the car as long as you aren’t the person driving (the DUI laws are so strict here 1 beer puts you over the limit) so my friend and I had taken turns on the driving day by day while the other dumped beer in a travel mug and took in the sights (we is classy).  Well the one day she was driving  (sober, one was always sober so they could drive) while I navigated and sucked down Orion in said travel mug and when rounding a corner we almost plowed into a dog.  My friend being the kind and loving person towards dogs to the point where I was seriously going to stab her in the neck if she mentioned how much she missed her little pooch back home one more bloody time swerved and pulled over on the side of the road and yelled at me to grab the little mutt.  I being in the state of mind of a person that not only does not have the urge to start a fight with nutcase when I’m too drunk to properly defend myself did what anyone would do and grabbed the mutt.  The dog had a lease so we figured it just ran away and its owner was looking for it so I walked the dog to the nearest 7-11 while she parked the car.  We tried to explain to the nice people at the 7-11 about the dog we found and if they could help but they just looked at us funny so we asked for the local police station and decided to head off there.  We tried to walk around the block first just in case the owner was around but that didn’t work so it was off to the police station.  The dog was a tweaker and after getting it into the car and trying to convince it not to jump out of the window or lick me one more time we finally made it to the local police station.  Now mind you I had been drinking all day and it was night by this point so I was feeling good if not looking a bit silly trying to drink a beer while holding the tweaker dog I named Wilson.  Well we get to the police and me being at least a little smart left the booze in the car but brought the dog and we went into the station.  Now neither one of us speaks Japanese well – hers being much better than mine – so I mostly smiled and played with the dog while she tried to explain to the cops what was going on.  The cops were not amused.  They were annoyed, maybe even angry with us.  Well after quite a few rounds of trying to explain ourselves they finally called another station and had someone that spoke English talk to us.  We explained the situation to them.  We found a dog, this is where we found said dog, dog has a lease but not tags please help find dog’s owner.  Mind you all pets in Japan (the ones not kept in a tank other than snakes) are supposed to have a tracking chip implanted in them incase this shit happens so we figured this was all good.  We were wrong.  We were oh so wrong.  At this point we had been at the station for a half hour Wilson was getting even more tweaker than he already was and the cops were even more pissed.  This is the point I think the wanted to arrest us.  I don’t know on what charge but I’m sure they could have thought of something.  The police in Japan are usually cool.  I walked into a police station one time with a beer in my hand to ask for directions to a concert hall and one of the officers actually walked my friend and I the couple blocks down to the place.  This time things weren’t going so well.  Well to say the least they decided they needed our ID’s and I was getting concerned being drunk and all but lucky for us they asked for my friends first since she was doing all the talking and lucky for us she had a diplomatic passport.  At this point they sort of gave up and didn’t bother to check me (I don’t have one of those get out of jail free cards) and just told us to leave the dog and to get the fuck out.  They did give us a warning that the next time we see a dog just to fucking leave it where it was.  I would have liked to say something witty like “What under the tires of our rental?” but knew better since I was drunk not suicidal.  We left, I dumped another beer in my travel mug and spent the hour it took us to get home to our hotel making jokes about the cops driving the dog back to the 7-11 we found him at and dumping him off there while my friend yelled about the cops and her dog at home.

Now earlier I had made a joke about stray dogs all over the place.  Well the strays aren’t in the most populated parts they’re out away from them and we hadn’t done a decent Island tour yet at that point.  Well the next day we did.  This time it was my turn to drive while she dumped Orion into a travel mug and it was off to see the Island.  Well rounding a bend at one point I almost hit a dog, this one didn’t have collar and there were the joke about don’t stop to help it or we will get arrested and then there was another and another then two, and then one.  Seriously once we were outside the most populated parts of the island there were stray dogs everywhere.  I saw a couple stealing a truck while one little puppy outside a gas station tried to sell me weed.  The only thing Okinawa has more of is U.S. military bases.  I never really understood why they were that pissed until I went there.  I don’t have a problem with the U.S. having bases in Okinawa but fucking hell the island isn’t that big how fucking many do you need?  They’re not even small.  They could dump all the shit on two of those bases and leave the rest of the island to the Okinawans and it wouldn’t cramp the military up for shit.  No wonder they are pissed, they are all surrounded by wild dogs and military bases.  Okinawa is a nice place though and lord was it fun but just remember leave the dogs alone.

I promised I would give you a recipe for taco rice so here is mine.

Ingredients:

1 lb. ground beef (or stray dog*)

1 onion – chopped

½ – 1 clove of garlic – chopped

Shredded lettuce

Cheese – I use the bags of mixed cheese for tacos you get at the store

8 once can of black olives

Short grain rice

1 packet of taco seasoning (since I’m lazy and it helps)

1 jar of salsa

1 jar of taco sauce

Rice wine vinegar

Now cook the ground beef using the directions on the tacos seasoning package adding in the onion and garlic along with some pepper, chili powder, paprika, oregano, basil, cilantro, beer, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco (or whatever hot sauce you like) and teriyaki sauce to taste.  I have no real measurements for the seasonings since I just always chuck them in till I think it’s good.  Cook until cooked.

For the rice get out you rice cooker (If you don’t have one shame on you you’re missing out) and cook the rice but add some chili powder and a little rice wine vinegar to the mix.

Once the meat and rice are done it’s time for the awesome.

Put some rice in a large bowl.  Hopefully you have a large soup bowl or ramen bowl but if you don’t go buy some.

On top of the rice add some taco sauce, salsa cheese, olives and lettuce.  On top of that add the meat and on top of the meat add some more cheese and taco sauce.

Eat.  Some people like to stir it up a bit before they eat and some don’t.  I like mine with a lot of sauce and stirred the shit up.

I use more sauce, salsa and lettuce on mine than you find in most places if you eat it in a restaurant and most restaurants don’t use taco sauce just the salsa and you don’t get olives either.  Some places cook the rice with some tomato sauce and chili powder and some cook the rice traditionally.  Do what you want it’s good either way I just like how I make it.

Another tip for people making this the first time remember while it was created in Okinawa and very popular there just because it can be considered a Japanese dish you eat it with a spoon so don’t use chip sticks or you will look silly.  Yes japan has spoons you fucking racist!

Next week I’ll teach you how to make a lasagna sandwich!  I’m joking I’ll do it now.   Take two pieces of bread and make garlic bread shove a slice of lasagna in between and eat it.  It’s like an upgrade from the spaghetti sandwich (shove spaghetti in a sausage meat sauce in between two slices of garlic bread).  Trust me that while it will never sound less crazy it will always be good.

*Not recommended or as far as I know ever used in the dish.

Horrible Advice From Your Uncle Drunken Llama

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to live your life, however it is much more entertaining.

Always have several fake names and extra cell phones that way you never have to give out the real ones.  Just make sure you don’t mix them up.

Never tell anyone you love them if they know your real name or where you live.

Never marry anyone who would have sex with you on the first date.  However you should try to get a couple more dates just for the fun of it.

Remember the proper etiquette in a strip club is whoever correctly guesses what drug the stripper is on gets the lap dance.

Speaking of strip clubs if you are in a private room for a lap dance and the stripper tells you that for an extra $300 you can put it anywhere, you can, but you shouldn’t.

Any woman that you just met at a bar that offers to buy you tequila shots will probably have sex with you that night.

When drinking with a woman always drink twice as much as she does that way you can always say later that she took advantage of you. *

If you shake more than twice you’re playing with it and if you don’t a bit will dribble down your leg.  It’s your call.

No matter how cracked and dry your skin is – even if it’s so obvious you can see it from space – and you are a man the lady behind the counter still thinks you are buying lotion to masturbate with.  The only way to counter this is to buy tampons and some milk that way they think you were sent on an errand by your wife or girlfriend.

Always treat people with dignity and respect, unless they don’t deserve it, then don’t, unless they pay you and you need to keep that job.

If you’re over the age of 18 and don’t own at least one good suit you are failing at life.  If you are over 30 and only own one good suit you are still failing.

Always remember to do your research before telling people you are a fighter pilot to impress people.  The Navy doesn’t use F-14′s anymore, has never used F-15′s and a B-52 isn’t a fighter so get your facts strait or you will look like an ass.  No matter how dense most of the people at the party are someone will know and they will call you on it as they should.

No matter how big you think you are she’s had better so stop worrying about it and just be happy some chick likes you.

Speaking of size; a very large cock is only impressive in porno.  In the real word it is usually uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.  Yeah, size matters but it’s more of a ratio between the smallest that works and the largest that works.

Getting 4 girls numbers at the same bar in one night always sounds cool and you can brag about it with your friends.  The problem is you were at a bar all night and trying to remember who was who and what you talked about is next to impossible unless you were dead sober and have a very good memory.  Therefor calling any of them can be risky.  Basically getting more than one number is pointless since there is a very small chance you will call any one them and if you do there is a large chance you will fuck it up.  But have fun and go for it.

Your ability to make a bong out of anything does not impress anyone worth impressing.  Also your ability to take large amounts of any drug without getting that fucked up also does not impress anyone worth impressing.**

Hypocrisy isn’t saying one thing and doing another, that’s screwing up.  Hypocrisy is saying people shouldn’t do something but saying  ”it’s OK when I do it”.

If you are visiting foreign countries and feel the need to lie about what country you are from you either shouldn’t be in that country or you are a little pussy bitch and your homeland would be better off if you didn’t come back.***

It’s rude to ask someone why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend and never try to set them up with anyone you know.  If they aren’t good enough to even date one of you least favorite acquaintances just don’t bring up the subject.  The question is fine if you are only tying to find out what they like and dislike so you can help otherwise you’re just asking someone to bare their soul so you can judge, quietly.  Oh so quietly…

Just because Ideology can be dangerous doesn’t mean it will.  Just remember you need to continue to question and prove to yourself that it’s correct.  It’s not as easy as it sounds but if you aren’t even trying you have a very big problem.

Never fish for compliments; it’s tacky and shows a lack of class.

If you’re not proud of yourself it’s your fault.  but if you’re proud of yourself you better be able to prove why you should be.  Prove, not justify.  People can justify anything with the right amount of bullshit.

On that note.   You should never have to justify your actions they should be able to speak for themselves.

Intentions mean nothing if you make it worse.

Air travel always sucks so never pay too much for it and never get on an air line that wont let you walk onto the plane with an open beer in your hand.  Seriously you are always going to be late, it will always be cramped and they are going to lose your luggage but as long as it isn’t a Chinese air line or Delta and the flight attendants don’t give a crap that you walked onto the plane with your own six pack it will be the best you are going to get out of air travel.

Really fuck Delta.

When you wake up and don’t know where you are always make sure you still have your wallet and your gun.  If you don’t have either you fucked up since you should always keep both hidden in  place people won’t check when they try to rob your passed out ass.

If  your collage major has “Studies” at the end of it, it’s worthless.  People don’t major in Physics Studies, Electrical Engineering Studies, History Studies or Medicine Studies.  Hell they don’t even major in Philosophy Studies and a major in Philosophy is pretty much useless.  All a major in a “Studies” does if tell the rest of the world not only do you have no marketable skills any employer would ever need but you are stupid enough to spend a shit-load of money acquiering those lack of marketable skills.  You can train a moron that is willing to work hard to do a lot of things but you can’t train an idiot with a sense of entitlement and  bullshit college degree to do anything.

Love is like a fine wine.  It’s expensive, it must be aged carefully and sipped slowly.  It will also never last.

I’m joking unlike love a good wine exists and it’s much easier to get your hands on another decent bottle.

Fair fights only exist in boxing and movies.

 

*  This will probably not hold up in court since double standards are fun.

** Yes this is from a llama that spends his free time chugging scotch and lighting hippies on fire.  Fuck off.

*** Exceptions can be made for people that have to travel for work or charity reasons and need to keep a low profile.

Quote Of The Day

“A government is a body of people, usually notably, ungoverned. ” ~ Derrial Book

So How Old Does A Baby Have To Be Before It’s Infanticide And Not An Abortion?

In Alberta Canada a woman was given a suspended sentence for killing her newborn child.  The woman was 19 had a child in secret and strangled the baby with a pair of underwear and tossed the body into a neighbor’s yard and  got a suspended 3 year sentence for it meaning she doesn’t have to serve jail time unless she screws up again like killing another kid.  I guess that would give her a good 6 years for killing two kids.

The judge in the case was quoted saying:

“While many Canadians undoubtedly view abortion as a less than ideal solution to unprotected sex and unwanted pregnancy, they generally understand, accept and sympathize with the onerous demands pregnancy and childbirth exact from mothers, especially mothers without support,” she writes… “Naturally, Canadians are grieved by an infant’s death, especially at the hands of the infant’s mother, but Canadians also grieve for the mother.”

Really?  you are grieving for the mother who murdered her child?  This isn’t even about abortion the kid was already born.  Mark Steyn called it a Fourth Trimester Abortion to shock people into understanding the implications of this ruling.  The thing is, is that this person (if you want to call them that) was an adult and in Canada abortion is legal so they could have had an abortion at any time.  Hell even if she wasn’t an adult last time I checked you can get an abortion in Canada when you are underage and they can’t inform the parents.

there are a lot of problems with this and the first is this really has nothing to do with abortion.  No matter what your view of abortion is this wasn’t one and had nothing to do with it so the fact that it is brought up by the judge as part of the defense of the accused is ludicrous.  If the judge was honest they would have said “eugenics should be legal so I’m going to give this woman a bullshit sentence since I can’t get away with giving her a medal and an iPad”.  The kid was already born, it’s not an abortion.  Another thing the judge did was bringing up how hard it is for someone to raise a kid by themselves as part of the defense of her bullshit sentence.  The woman lived at home and was already supported by her parents so it’s not like she didn’t have a home, or have to worry about paying the rent or anything since someone was already doing it for her.  She made the choice to have sex, then she made the choice to murder her own child.  She could have easily gone to an abortion clinic in Canada and gotten rid of the child (for free, if Canada’s health care is all free and shit) but instead she waited to have the child and then strangled it with some underwear and tossed the corpse into someones yard.  No one in a post-industrial country suffers that much where killing their child is excusable in any way especially one with the welfare state Canada has.

It only gets more fucked up:

“Next week, the court will hear arguments on a remaining issue from Effert’s long legal battle: the 16 days of jail time she still must serve for throwing her baby’s body over the fence.

Her lawyer, Peter Royal, asked the court to do away with the penalty or allow her to serve the time on weekends. It was “unjust” and “almost mean to incarcerate her” at this point, he argued.”

Really 16 days in jail for tossing a dead body into someone else’s yard and that is “unjust” and “almost mean” to put her in jail for that?  OK, you have a point on one of those.  It is unjust to only throw someone in jail for 16 days after murdering a child and tossing the body into the neighbors yard.  Hell tossing a dead baby (or any dead person) into the neighbors yard should be a lot longer of a prison sentence that 16 days.  even if you just found a corpse and tossed it into someone’s yard for shits-n-giggles you should at least do a couple years in jail and if you killed the baby in the first place since that should be an automatic trip to the electric chair.

Are there any sane people left in Canada?

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I hate it here…

Add Your Own Joke Day

Sometimes jokes write themselves, sometimes you don’t need to write a joke because nothing you can say is funnier that what was already said seriously.  In this case I’m asking for participation in helping me make jokes because I would like to see how many original ones we can get.

The article is from the Palm Beach Post and titled; FEMA’s use of the term “federal family” for government expands under Obama. *

Here is a nice quote:

“Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast,” a FEMA news release declared Friday as Irene churned toward landfall.

OK people here is the challenge.  I need jokes but since the “Big Brother” joke is just so easy that it doesn’t need to be said any joke referencing 1984 has to be very original and not use the term “Big Brother”.  Other than that go for it with either a joke off of the idea of a “federal Family’ or go for a Fark type joke with a fake title to this article or an article talking about a “Federal Family” or a fake book about it.

I’ll start off and you finish off in the comments section.

Joke 1:   So if the government is a family and they have congress does that mean they’re all inbreed?

Joke 2:  Why is my father always taking my allowance to give to my lazy brother?

Joke 3:  Are we adopting people illegally or is it kidnaping?

OK, it’s your turn have fun with it.

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* I’m almost positive I’m screwing up like 10 rules for proper writing here so it’s normal for this internet skidmark.

Quote Of The Day: 911 Edition.

“I’ll just add here that commemorating 9/11 seems to me a stupid idea in
itself. A nation should commemorate its achievements, its moments of glory.
Low points like 9/11 should be passed over in grim silence, or marked by
launching a few well-aimed barrages of cruise missiles.” – John Derbyshire

 

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This is the truth.  Don’t forget it but don’t wallow in it.  Remember it, understand it, and break the fucks that did it so hard no one will ever try it again because they will remember not what they did so much as the consequences rained down upon them for doing it.

 

 

 

 

Tuesday Nights With Beer: A Drunken Rant For The Rantless

I haven’t written much lately and well…  Yeah I think I already started two rants like this so lets move on.

I got a new computer in case you care.  You don’t but we will talk about it anyway.  It’s a laptop and for some reason if I don’t have the thing plugged in the screen is at least 35% darker than it is if it is plugged in.  I don’t think I care but it’s odd.  But on the new computer thing I got a laptop but I didn’t get rid of my old desktop since it still works and no matter how many times my friends say I should get rid of it I just can’t.  It’s awesome.  well it’s not that great but it’s old and getting slow but I blame that on it not being made for Japanese power outlets since they run off less juice and the fact that it’s held together with duct tape and clay.  That and I built it out of mostly spare parts.  And clay…

I’m still living in japan and we still don’t have mutants or a million dead from radiation so I still think I’m right about the media not knowing what the fuck they are talking about.

So a lot of rioting in the UK is going on.  Or was.  I did find quite a few things funny about it since people were saying it was working class kids angry at the system for getting them or some bullshit but as Mark Steyn mentioned can you really call them working class if none of them have ever worked or their parents?  To paraphrase anyway.  The other thing was these were not all poor kids living off the dole, there were a lot of people from monied families taking part in it.  I know i talk shit about the UK all the time but seriously what is wrong with the place?  England has the most expansive welfare state in Europe (according to Europeans) and still these kids are angry?  What more do you fuckers want since it’s not jobs according to many of the british commentators it’s very hard to fill a job with English kids since they don’t even bother to apply for jobs and most places would rather higher eastern Europeans since they will actually show up and work. Do yourself a favor England give people back their guns, let them protect themselves, and force these kids off the dole and to get jobs and actually work.  And for the brats with money that pull the same shit fuck them up and teach them a lesson about being civilized human beings.  And stop being a bunch of wankers.  I don’t hate the UK or England you gave the world so much, like good beer, The Damned and the Gin n’ Tonic but you really got to pull your shit together.

Speaking of England apparently there is a group in England that want’s to create Islamic hamlets in certain parts of England that would essentially be independent states run off of Sharia law.  Really guys you don’t want to stop this?  You have Imams there living off of the dole (you know where you pay them not to work) and they are saying the want to secede from England and have their own state on your territory and you don’t do anything about this?  Cancel their government paychecks at least guys, your basically paying people to sit around and scream about revolting and you do nothing?

So in the news today I read a story about how climate change was causing higher rates of mental illness.  All I could think while reading it was maybe mental illness was causing higher rates of people yelling about climate change.   Seriously it used to be global cooling and that didn’t pan out so it was global warming.  Now it’s climate change so we can all claim anything and everything is…  Fuck you hippies.

Why does canned asparagus taste like crap but frozen if good while canned green beans taste good but frozen taste like crap?  Why does Smithwick’s beer always taste like rust out of a bottle but good out of a keg?  Why do poor people in America have cell phones, the internet, cars, and flat screen TV’s while poor people in other places have dysentery and mud houses.  These are the things we need to know.

If you don’t understand why you should hate Rachel Carson watch someone die of malaria.  I have.

In music news Gibson Guitars got raided by the Feds for using wood illegally purchased from India based off of an Indian export law on wood.  Now mind you many other US guitar companies use the same wood but Gibson gets raided but not them.  Martin uses the same wood but gives money to Democrats and Obama, Gibson gives money to Republicans and doesn’t use union labor.  Now this is the second time Obama’s DOJ has raided Gibson and the first time they never filed charges (because there was no crime) but after two years haven’t returned the confiscated wood and now they do it again.  Look the Indian government certified the wood for export, US customs certified the word for entry into the US and now the DOJ is raiding Gibson?  For what?  Breaking and Indian law the Indian government said wasn’t broken?  Now I don’t know if this was politically motivated but even if it isn’t what the fuck is going on in DC?

Arabic Numerals are from India.  The reason the are called that is because it was introduced to Europe from the Middle East.

I like Jelly beans but the people who make them need to do better.  You get a bag with 100 different flavors and while many are good you have a bunch that suck.  I hate coconut and vanilla so stop putting them in there and I have no idea why anyone thought the popcorn ones tasted like anything but shit.  Can’t I just get a bag of the awesome ones like peach and root beer? It’s like Jolly Ranchers you buy a bag and you only eat half since you hate the other half.  And who the hell likes banana flavored anything?  I like – or at least don’t mind – a banana but for some reason anything that is banana flavored tastes like what happens after you ferment a banana in a hookers asshole filled with toxic waste and used embalming fluid.  Well at least it isn’t coconut.

Back onto my new computer.  It’s great I mostly use it for looking up shit when playing video games so depending on your view it may not have been worth it.  But fuck you I contributed to the economy something way to many people don’t even pretend to do.  Still you don’t care and probably shouldn’t…

I realized the other day I only use my vacation days when I want to go to a concert in the middle of the week and don’t want to go into work the next day.  Considering I have a ton of the things saved up I really need to take a real vacation.  The problem with vacations (or even weekends) is that I am never more angry at work than after a day off.  I really need a new job but they pay me to live in Japan (although that’s probably not why I get the paycheck) so I can’t complain that much.  No, no I can, fuck these guys.

Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy pleasure and that’s good enough.

So apparently in several cities they have been having racial charged flash mobs.  Now the police and politicians aren’t calling it that and a lot of places are kind of pretending the racial aspect of it doesn’t exist but it does.  This is wrong tell the truth about things no matter how ugly.

Just so you know in the event of a race riot I will shoot anyone involved no matter what their skin color is so leave me out of your idiocy and in the event of a race war I completely condone the use of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons against all parties involved.    Seriously I’m not going to fuck around with you morons.

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I hate it here…

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