I’m Going to Culturally Appropriate The Shit Outta That.

Yep, I said it and that is what I’m fixing to do. Wait, one second I’m going to crack open a beer. Beer? Really did your people invent beer? Nope. Is it a beer native from my ancestral homeland? Also nope and I’m still gonna drink it. My people didn’t invent Tetris either but I’m still going to play the shit out of it when I’m waiting at the DMV.

Stop me. Please, go ahead and try to stop me cause I’m about to appropriate some motherfucking cultures. I’m going to zig when you thought I would zag and before you know it… something… Sports metaphor… something something… Yeah… there was a point in all of this and it was all about tacos.

I fucking love tacos! I also love English Common Law, beer, Representative Democracy, anything done to a sheep that involves curry and not sex, indoor plumbing and the aesthetics of pre-modern Japanese architecture. I love Japanese people playing Irish punk, German people playing Horror Punk and I’m still going to rock out to some metal from Botswana. Did I mention tacos? Have you ever had taco rice? It’s a common dish from Okinawa and it’s bloody awesome.

This isn’t some sort of multiculturalism BS where we have to fetishize other cultures this is just the reality of a world where we can know other cultures and learn from them while they learn from us and we don’t even have to kill each other to do it anymore. We can take the good things about those other people and incorporate them into ourselves. Did you know the potato is not native to Ireland or even Europe? Do you like Italian food? Who in their right mind doesn’t? Neither the tomato nor pasta originated in Italy. One didn’t even originate in the same hemisphere but for some reason Italy was able to take those two things mix them with some local delights and come up with glory.

Can you dig it?

No? Do you want to complain and be an over sensitive idiot? Fuck you I will keep going and you can’t do shit about it. Cultures and societies evolve in three ways. One is from changes and pressures within the society or culture, one from without or a mixture of both. Sometimes times they are exclusive of one another and other times they are the direct result of one another. Take a simple example of this from Japan. The Bakufu system (military rule by the Shogun vice rule by the Emperor) was from purely internal forces, the Meiji Restoration was the result of both internal and external forces and the current Japanese Constitution was the result of external forces. Is all change good? No, not always but sometimes it can be. You can argue that the Meiji restoration was a good thing in some ways for Japan but did lead towards the imperialism and horrors of WWII while at the same time setting up a basis where the current Japanese political system would end up being acceptable. The Meiji restoration led to both the idea of the Diet (the Japanese parliament) and the imperialism of the early 20th century. The idea of a constitutional monarchy was born there and continues. Now has it all been good? No but remember me talking about our ancestors before? By the time WWII happened England had shrugged off the worst of its decades long imperialist abuses although to the Imperialism while Japan continued them. Remember all our ancestors are horrible people but this was the difference between the two empires at that time. One while not good was and had been getting better and one was, well mostly all bad.

How does this tie in to appropriating culture? As countries, cultures, religions clash they exchange their ideas for better or worse and mankind has been doing it for the entirety of its existence. Hell half of mankind isn’t fully H. Sapiens. Remember all the Neanderthals we fucked and or killed to get where we are today? Chances are unless you are 100% sub-Saharan African and have zero relatives from Madagascar one of your ancestors is a Neanderthal or Denisovan. Hell even if you are 100% sub-Saharan African you could still have blue eyes or you could be from a Pacific island and have blonde hair and blue eyes and no dirty European blood required. Genetics is silly and sometimes fun.

If you don’t get it yet humans are a mixed race. We mix ideas while we bloodlines and make good and bad things with it. The Iroquois Confederacy had a profound effect on the American colonist as well as the Roman Republic, English Common Law, Christianity and Greek philosophy and Democracy. And that is just the bloody goat fucking start. The Ancient Greeks were making Buddhist art 2000 years before white hipster twats in SF where annoying people with their fake enlightenment. If you don’t believe me look up the history of the Hindu Kush.

Our societies and our cultures are built off of the collective knowledge of the societies and cultures that came before us, how they interacted, collaborated, fought and learned from one another. It wasn’t always pleasant and it wasn’t always nice but to stop this exchange would be the destruction and death of the progress and evolution of mankind. We need the cultural exchange. Without it we wouldn’t have modern fucking medicine, mathematics, physics, or fucking indoor plumbing and fuck you I’m not going to go back to shitting in a random hole and using leaves and unlucky squirrels for ass wipe. My Car is Japanese, the TV Korean but you know damn well the computer is American. I’m drinking a Canadian beer, my lunch was Italian, my dinner Indian and the last pair of shoes I bought was made in Vietnam. I’m going to eat sushi, adobo, jerk chicken or a burger and fries. I’ll listen to Opera, watch American football and eat tacos while I drink Gin, Saki and Soju. I’m going to listen to African folk tales while dancing to gypsy songs in the middle of Lima, Helsinki or Bangkok while you . I’m going to appropriate the fuck out of your culture and I’m going to serve you mine on a platter of gold and if you don’t like it you should try to shove the world up your ass because that is where your head is and for once you might be able to see the place.

In the end it won’t matter anyway since these guys already appropriated all the awesomeness that was left in the world.

 

Fuck all you hipster and SJW cunts.

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A Drunken Rant From My Nuclear Wasteland: Cooking Tips, Pointless Rants, Your Mom, Cheap Obama Jokes And Other Reasons To Rage Against The Dying Of Existentialist Training In Primary School.

I would like to say something about video games and the people who make them.  If you are making a video game and you have a boss fight followed directly by another boss fight with no time in between the two you are a cheap asshole.    People work your way up to the fight give it your all and instead of having the downtime to replace your items, health, ect you go directly into another large fight that you had no idea you would unless you used a cheat guide.    I shouldn’t have to use a cheat guide or a walkthrough in order to play a fucking video game.  Not only that but if you die fighting the second boss guess what you have to fight them both over even if you kicked the first one’s ass.  Fuck you guys, seriously fuck you.

Cheap ass motherfuckers…

OK I have used walkthroughs for games before but that is when I was really stuck on something and wanted a little extra help.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to use them but it is very annoying to make a game you need the thing to play.

I like Tetris…

I don’t know if my heart isn’t in it any more or I found shit to do but I really don’t post on here much anymore do I?  Maybe it is the fact there are only so many Obama Teleprompter jokes you can make before you just don’t care anymore.   You all liked me more when I didn’t have a life didn’t you?   Either that or you are happy I have mostly shut up.   The sad thing is that this post took over a month to write.  It’s not that it took me a month to type this it’s that I would write a little, stop, write some more, stop still not post it because it wasn’t long enough or whatever and stop.  It’s not that bad considering I wrote about 10,000 words for another post in 2008 and keep forgetting to finish it.  Maybe I should go…

Oooo, nachos..

I bought a duck the other day (frozen, not as a pet).  I hadn’t roasted one in a while so I thought it sounded like a good thing to spend a Saturday doing (apart from playing video games and drinking beer, oh lord do I need to get a girlfriend).  On the package was anthropomorphic family of ducks that looked all happy holding hands.  I know that someone thought this was cute and a good way to catch people’s attention so they would think “Oh, look a happy family and since I want my family to be happy I will get this frozen duck for them and my family will all be happy together”.  All I could think was “I’m about to eat one or your children.  I’m not sure why you are smiling I can only assume it’s that you don’t understand someone killed your son and I’m going to shove garlic, onion and some of my famous spiced  butter  where his heart used to be roast the fuck out of him and eat him”.  It’s not like milk.  You have a smiling cow in sunglasses that says “Look at me I’m an awesome cow, and I make awesome milk, here have some and we can party on the milk train”.  This is more like “I can’t feed my family so I will sell you one of my children to make it through the winter.  Please smile mister so the rest of the kids don’t think something is wrong” kind of thing.    Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to become a vegan.  I’m not a big enough of a stupid pretentious asshat for that shit (if you know anything about evolution it was eating meat that helped our brain develop enough to get us out of the flinging our shit at everyone and drinking our own piss stage of development), I just find the whole happy duck family thing on my food funny since I’m about to eat the fuck out of you and I’m not sure why you are smiling.  Maybe it’s just that this is Japan and if it doesn’t have a cartoon on it and it isn’t beer or condoms you don’t buy it.  Is it an Emo duck?  “Woohoo I’m about to die, thank you Mr. I just couldn’t go through with it on my own you helped so much!!!”  Well I know it’s not a Goth duck, they would have been wearing black and have at least fought back unless I told them I was a vampire first…

For people that want to know my famous* spiced butter is really just a strange concoction I use for baking poultry that involves butter, an assortment of random spices (aka at least a pinch of everything on the spice rack but mostly basil and pepper), worcestershire sauce, teriyaki sauce, garlic, beer and sometimes a bit of water.  I also might add hoisin or duck sauce (if it is duck, but not if it is chicken or turkey).  It’s better with the duck sauce (if you use that you use more duck sauce and less butter) but it’s good either way.  You heat this concoction enough to melt the butter and then slather it on everything and inside everything (aka the poultry).  It does not even in the least look or sound like it is edible but oh lord is it good.

I actually cook almost everything with booze.  I use sake instead of the rice wine they make for cooking (I never use cooking wine, too much salt and while I don’t have a problem with salt I’m going to get that someplace else).  A good pasta sauce is always made with a good red wine (usually Chianti or Merlot).  Chili, burritos, shepherd’s pie, beef stew, hamburgers, beer.  My food might drink more than I do.

Well we are on cooking so let’s go with it.  I learned how to cook when I was very young to the point that by the time I was 8 I would make entire meals for the family.  I have always been pretty good at it and enjoy it.  I don’t think I could every do it as a job though.  There are a lot of reasons for that.  When I was younger I made it a point to make the presentation a part of the meal (as you would expect from a chef) but as I got older I cared a lot less about presentation and a lot more for how it tastes.  I can still try to make it look nice but I live alone and unless I have a girlfriend over (and since I don’t have one at the moment) I really don’t care how it looks.  This has led me to invent some very, very tasty dishes that look absolutely horrendous.  One dish is fried potatoes, onions and pork chops cooked in balsamic vinegar and mint (with some other spices in various amounts).  Everything comes out black, it’s good, excellent even but it’s a bit disconcerting.  Another is a recipe for lamb that turns the lamb green because I basically cook it in a concoction that the best way to describe is a mix between mint tea and mint pesto.  A marinade for steak I have turns the entire steak a grayish brown (not matter how rare it is).  You take 2 Guinness, a little garlic, some pepper, a little basil (I put basil in almost everything), a lot of scallions and about a 4th of a cup of sugar (the scallions and sugar are important otherwise it will be bitter) and you marinate the steak in it at least overnight (sometimes 2), pull it out throw it on a grill cooking it to your taste (I like rare or sometimes medium rare), and you eat.  It is good but the color of the meat always looks a little off.  Now people might be thinking “yeah so you like it but you are cooking it for your own tastes, does anyone else like any of this?”  Yes, yes they do.  Even my friend who is a professional chef likes it (although being the asshole he is he will always makes comments about what he would of done, but it is more of a trade thing rather than a complaint about the taste).

Another thing about my cooking is I don’t think any of it is very low in calories.  Thank Vishnu I have a high metabolism or I would be 400 pounds.  To give you an example I have a recipe for hot wings where the sauce is mostly butter and Louisiana Hot Sauce.

Maybe I just like my food weird.  The trick to good BBQ pork ribs is to rub the meat with a little garam masala (or at least a little cinnamon) mixed with a few other more normal things like pepper, onion and garlic salt and a bit of chili powder before you throw it on the grill.  That and while you put the BBQ sauce on in the end you want to char the outside a little.  It sounds wrong but trust me.  A little bit of a crunch on the outside and a lot of juicy rib on the inside and you are golden.   Sometimes I think I get invited to cookouts just because they want me to cook.

Still half of my food looks inedible and my recipes don’t really have any standardized measurements.  It’s more of keep adding things until it tastes right.

I really hate it at work when people expect me to deal with their constant fuck ups.  Lucky for me people have started to realize I am going to hold them to at least the minimum standard they are supposed to be at so they don’t ask me to hook them up or fix their shit anymore.  The problem is that rather than get their shit together they find someone else to try to get me to hook them up for them.  Now I have to explain to the other department managers that “no we do not hook them up, they are incompetent buffoons stop listening to them or being nice to their stupid asses or they will never learn”.    Fuck at least if you tried to talk to my boss and get him to force me to do it, it would be less annoying.  I know why you don’t do this.  Because there is a 505 chance my boss will either give you the same answer I did or tell you to fuck off.  Then there is a 49.9% chance my boss would ask me to do it if I can but not try to demand it and let me tell him I won’t do it (unless I feel nice that day and try to help him out of the bullshit because I have time [5% chance]) , and a .01% chance they will force me to do it no matter what I say (these numbers and percentages hold up even with the one boss that hates my guts).

Speaking of work if I tell you something is not possible.  Such as something needs to get done in the next ten minutes (because you waited till the last minute to turn something in) and the systems required to do it are down (server screw-up, secluded maintenance, act of Vishnu, ect), why do you feel the need to get angry at me for it?  Do you think yelling at me and irritating the ever living fuck out of me is going to make things faster, make the systems (I don’t run only use) get up do a little happy dance and start working?  Do you think I’m going to push everyone else’s shit aside to fix your fuck up, especially considering you want to be rude about it?  I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve never hooked someone up or helped them out.  But those people came to me apologized for the late requests and were humble and nice about it and were understanding about technical difficulties when there were.  They offer to get me lunch, a sixer, something (I never accept this offer but it’s nice to know it’s there).   You on the other hand want to be a dick and act like it is my fault.  Fuck you.

Fuck work.  I spend all day there I don’t need to bitch about it on here.  Well that much anyway…

The world needs more bike lanes. Every street should have them.  Now this isn’t some hippie “save the world, we need more people riding bikes” type crap.  No, it’s because they piss me off.  They need to keep bikes off the road and out of traffic and away from my car.  They also need to keep the things off of sidewalks, people are walking there and since we can’t ban their use altogether to keep the fucking things away from normal people I think we should only allow their use is specially designated areas (preferably in the ocean or an active volcano).  Since you don’t walk in the street and you don’t drive on the sidewalk well you should either have to use a bike lane or go fuck yourself.

Nothing good can ever come from large amounts of alcohol and your ex.

Of all the stupid things that get made into TV shows or movies why has the webcomic Something Positive never been done?  Oh, right people don’t actually like sarcasm as much as I do…

Fuckers…

And now a funny video.

“Couldn’t we give them nothing instead and have them hate us for free?”  Oh if only…

Thanks Dr. Bulldog and Ronin

Why does most spam go to the “about” section of this blog?  Really they have some of the best comments that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Such as:

“I have to voice my affection for your kind-heartedness for men and women who require assistance with this one situation. Your special dedication to getting the solution up and down had become exceptionally beneficial and has in every case made regular people much like me to achieve their aims. Your amazing helpful guidelines entails this much to me and even more to my office workers. Thanks a lot; from everyone of us.”

Does that make any sense?

I just watched Inception.  A lot of people have questions about it but the only real question I have is did Mr. Saito get out?  Also am I the only person that gives a shit?  I might need a life…

Best Super Bowl Commercial:

Speaking of Doritos there was an ad that has the Salsa Verde Doritos.  Are they back?  If they are that is fucking awesome I loved those but then I guess they stopped making them or only selling them in select markets and they were gone.   Woohoo!  Oh, right I live in Japan and they don’t have them out here…  Foiled again, foiled again…  But at least I can get seaweed flavored potato chips…  Seriously do not eat seaweed flavored potato chips.  You will though, you won’t try to but you will see a bag of chips at the store and it will look like sour cream and onion chips (but they’re not) and you aren’t really paying attention because it’s 2am and you are a little drunk and just grabbing shit off the shelves. All you wanted was some sour cream and onion chips (and a hot dog, Pocari Sweat, a tuna sandwich, 5 cans of Yebisu, shrimp flavored chips, chicken on a stick, and well anything your drunken mind decides is food…) and oh god nooooooooooo!

Yeah speaking of the Super Bowl I really want to be angry but it was a good game and the Steelers fucked up.  Lord is it hard to find a place in Japan to watch the thing live.  You can watch it like 7 hours later on some stations but lord is it hard to watch it live.  OK the Steelers lost  but it’s OK they still have more rings.  Although if they did get a seventh I could make a Lord of the Rings joke.  Granted I would have to hope there is enough crossover between Nerds and football fans that anyone would get it but I would still do it anyway.  Of course I could still make a joke since the Packers can now say they’re the Elf Kings but I wanted the Dwarf Lords joke, and I should just stop right now…

In news you may already know they cancelled “Caprica”.  Fuck you guys, seriously fuck you.  Yeah I’m late but I watch things after I can get it or rent it on DVD or Blue-Ray.  If was a good show but the ending was rushed.   Mostly because you fucks cancelled it!

I have recently found out that Bruce Lee was part German.  Apparently his mom was half German.  Is this important?  Not really, but interesting.

Speaking of Bruce Lee I like this quote from him:

“Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it”

The greatest thing Metallica ever did was throw Dave Mustaine out of the band.  If they hadn’t we wouldn’t have Megadeth.  It was also the dumbest thing they ever did because really Metallica sucks and hasn’t even pretended to write a good album in 20 years.   Megadeth on the other hand is still one of the greatest bands ever.

So the other day someone broke into a house and then when the owner returned while they were there they get scared and lock themselves in the bathroom and call the police.  Seriously the guy way afraid the owner of the house had a gun and might hurt them so they called the police for help.  The fucked up thing is that the homeowner called the police at the same time so you had one 911 operator talking to the perp and one talking to the victim.  The criminal didn’t even know if the homeowner had a gun he was just afraid they might.  So afraid he called the police (the people going to take him to jail) to save him.   If that isn’t a case for gun ownership I don’t know what is.  I also wish I had been that 911 operator that took the call.  I would have seriously told the guy I hope the homeowner does have a gun and blows his fucking head off right before I hung up.

And now time for something completely different:

The Middle East is burning, I’m trying to care.  Really I hope something good comes out of all the revolutions and protests but it’s been so, so very long that anything good came out of the Middle East that I’m really just not that hopeful over the whole thing.

Radiation levels in Tokyo have recently risen to the level of “Still Not Anywhere Close To What You Got From That X-ray At The Dentist Last Week” (that is the official scientific term for the current levels).  Please continue to freak the fuck out.  I’ll say it like this.  If you spend the entire day outside you will be exposed to the same amount of radiation you get in a 6 hour flight.  You don’t spend 24 hours a day outside and you don’t hear about airline pilots mutating into monsters or dying or radiation poisoning every 5 seconds so please continue to freak the fuck out.

Click to enlarge.

Thank you xkcd

Seriously, nothing good can ever come from large amounts of alcohol and your ex.

I hate it here…

* The use of the word “famous” may or may not be an outright lie.

Friday night ranting because I love all of you… OK I almost don’t dislike some of you.

Why would you do this?

OK so I haven’t done a drunken rant in a while and for that I am almost sorry.  I know all my fans out there are always disappointed come Sunday when they realize for some reason or another that I didn’t post some inane drunken rant and or two bit Philosophy at some point during the weekend.  I know I’m sorry that this shit is the only thing in you life that you have to look forward to during the week and I have been failing you recently.  Tonight however you can finally take the razor away from your wrist and stop crying about your dead girlfriend.

Music sucks now.  Or did it always suck and that I just found my version of suck and now wish all music sucked like I like it to suck and thats why I think it all just sucks now?

I really tried but I could find a way to use the word suck any more then that.  But really other then the bands The Spookshow and T-Virus that I just found out about there isn’t much out there.

The elections coming up and all I can say other then I voted already is good luck fuckers. If Barak Obammers wins I’m moving to Japan.  Unlike so many other people who pull this kind of shit (usually it’s to Canada) I really will.  Now mind you I’m already going to do it anyway so it really doesn’t matter who wins I’m just rubbing it in to all the people who want to go to Japan but can’t since they need to leave their mothers basement first.  Fucking American otaku…

Speaking of people who need to get out of their parents basement I wonder what the kids over at the Daily Kos are going to do if Obammers loses.  I don’t know but it’s going to hard on them.  Really hard, kind of like when they realized the only vagina they would ever see the inside of was the one they fell out of.  Like the world doesn’t have enough of them emo kids already, this might create a factory for the little annoying freaks.

Back to the elections I really stopped caring about it since I finally realized that my dream of a zombie Reagan coming back from the dead to save us all isn’t going to happen and Thomas Sowell still wont run.  Either way we are all fucked and I’m going to be getting drunk for at least the next three weeks.  I know people will ask how is this different from usual, well usually I’m sober at least twice a week.

Apparently the world has gotten so bad that even Obammers running mate is telling us all not to vote for them.  That’s got to give you some confidence to know that your own running mate doesn’t think your qualified to be president doesn’t it Obammers?

And the worst thing about it is they are still going to get at least 45% of the vote.

We might be fucked…

South Korean Movies are some of the best in the world.  Hollywood movies are some of the worst.  The only reason I can say that Hollywood is some of the worst is since I have never seen a movie from North Korea whose movies I can only assume are just like a Hollywood movies with a much smaller budget and less communist propaganda.

It’s almost Halloween one of my favorite holidays since it gives me a chance to dress up like an ass and drink to much and I don’t have to keep changing my religion every other week so I don’t have to buy people presents.

The worst part about slowly going bald is when people start noticing that you don’t shave your head just because you think it looks cool.

The best part about getting older is that you have your own place, a career and your own money don’t have to worry about all the BS you had to put up with as a kid.  The worst part about getting older is that you can now be tried as an adult.

About your dead girlfriend sorry I didn’t know it was a joke when you said you wanted to take a hit out on her but you still owe me the $5000 anyway.

I’m a nerd.  I have come to accept that fact but I’m a nerd with class.  Or at least I’m a nerd with a large amount of guns, booze, my own place and regular bathing habits.

My mother told me I would never amount to anything and I told her that wasn’t true.  So far we have both been wrong…

A woman’s body can be one of the most beautiful things you could ever see.  It can also be the worst thing depending on who you looking at…

Fishing can be one of the greatest things in the world to do yet the second it’s put on television it’s the most boring thing in the world.  Football is the opposite but that’s cause I’m lazy.

The real reason your parents told you that you where special was because there wasn’t any compliment they could give you that wasn’t a lie.

Peace in the Middle East is possible it really is.  The real problem is the amount of nuclear warheads you have to use to get there.

Speaking of the Middle East other then oil what have they really contributed to civilization lately?

I don’t care how much you like anime an adult male should never dress up like Sailor Moon at a convention.  Or ever for that matter.  Really what the hell is wrong with you people you are adults and it’s not Halloween?  With the same idea in mind if you are a girl and are going to dress up like Princess Leia try to spend at least some time at the gym please…

I know what I want for Christmas

I know what I want for Christmas

Some days I don’t know why I started this blog and then someone gets angry with me over something I wrote and I remember.  Thanks angry people I do it all for you.

60% of what I do is out of boredom the rest is out of spite but it all ends up the same anyway.

There should be a test you have to pass before you are allowed to have children.  knowing your partners full name and birthday should be the first question and if you get it wrong you should fail instantly.

OK this one might not be as funny as some of the others but it’s not like you are paying for this shit…

I’m sorry but it had to happen…

Yeah it’s still funny though.

Friday night music. Blitzkid’s Love Like Blood

Yeah this band rocks.

Friday night drunk Saturday morning crap. Yes my words good or something…

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I think the best thing about the Republican candidates right now is Sara Palin. The best thing about the Democratic candidates is they might not win.  This is not a good thing.  Fuck…

I’m trying very hard not to turn Nixon into a zombie so I can vote for him. I think Zombie Nixon would make a fine president or at least better then the regular Carter anyway.

OK let me explain it another way. Here are your choices:

R – Your Old Crazy Vet Grandfather and the MILF
D – Personality Cult and Captain Foot In Mouth.

Everything else – Not getting elected

Hmm?

I was listening to the radio today for the first time in years, I now remember why I stopped.

I realized today that Slayer, Megadeth, The Sex Pistols and The Misfits can now be called “Classic Rock”. I’m just waiting to hear Last Caress or South of Heaven on one of the Oldies stations.

I feel old…

Money really can buy happiness if you know what your doing. It can also buy love but usually only by the hour.

Make sure you always have someone that can avenge your death. Kids are great for this especially if it is a niece or nephew since you get all the benefits without having to pay for a college fund.

I always wondered how woman could ever be lesbians since every girl I know seems to hate every other woman on the planet.

Am I the only person who thinks it’s odd that China has almost 2 billion people yet couldn’t find enough girls legally old enough for their gymnastics team? And while we are on that how the hell is figure skating a sport? Isn’t it more of a very silly hobby much like train spotting or faking suicide attempts to get attention?

Why is it that the better you know how to play a song on guitar the worse you will be when you are trying to play it on Guitar Hero?

You: Epic Fail.

Friend with no musical talent whatsoever: Rock the hell out if the thing.

WHY?!!

Playing golf on the Wii is the greatest thing ever other then maybe Tetris.  Yet in real life golf sucks a fat one. Why?

Reading the personals on Craigslist made me celibate. Really read that crap and if the horror of the people on there don’t make you never want to have sex again you need help.

I think I have Stockholm Syndrome towards my job. Is this normal?

Asking someone you haven’t seen for years when the baby is due is not always a good idea. Sometimes she just got fat.

I really need to spend less time on the internets drinking beer and writing this crap on the weekends. I think I’ll start next month.

Reagan said that you needed to worry about the phrase “I’m from the government and I’m here to help”. This is true I work for the government and trust me we are not here to “help”.

The difference between a politician and a hooker is you pay a hooker money she has sex with you then she leaves.  With a politician he takes your money, rapes you, then not only does he hang around and ask for more money he expects you to like it.

Can I vote myself off the island?

Other then the Cleveland Browns, John Madden is the worst thing to ever happen to football. I would pay that guy several million dollars a year just to shut the fuck up and never go near a stadium again.

I now have a reason to go to work. It might just be to check on how my fantasy football team is doing but really what else do I have to do at work. Oh, right, deal with assholes.

If you beat your kids too much they end up as little psychos if you don’t hit them enough they end up as little psychos. It’s a fine line.

I think I have more beer in my house then clean socks. Now ask why I don’t have a girlfriend.

Think about this, Suicide makes people that don’t like you happy so why would you do it? Isn’t it better to stick around and piss those assholes off?

If I offend you at any point please understand that the angrier you get the funnier it is.
I once had someone tell me that I needed to learn more about history.  This was after they had said that “they where an educator”. The funny thing is about the conversation is that I was right about what I was talking about.   Further more the facts they had sited to disprove that I was saying where completely wrong.  A simple trip to Google could have proved that.  Here’s a fact for you 50% of kids in American schools can’t preform up to their grade level.  So really Mrs. “educator” why the hell would I listen to you? You do not even teach history because if you did I think you would have said that and instead of saying you are an “educator”. Just because they teach history in the classroom next door while you are teaching life science or Spanish doesn’t make you an expert. But hey thanks for proving that the schools are fucked.

Someone told me yesterday that “Only the good die young but you’ll live forever”. Eh, I can live with that.

I once met a lady in New York looking rather confused so I asked her if she was lost and if I could help. She told me she was looking for Democratic voters and it was kind of hard since there where not many around. She is in NEW YORK how the hell wasn’t she finding any? It’s NEW YORK!!!! Hello Mr. Gobi have you seen any sand?

I once knew a guy that tried to fuck a squirrel. By the way how is your father doing I haven’t seen him in awhile.

I finally got around to watching Sara Palin’s speech at the RNC. Can she be president? You can accuse me of voting with my dick but how about this, it’s only half my dick and at least it’s not like Obama’s guys who vote with half a brain.

What the hell was with Thompson at the convention? Really if he had been like that in the first place more then three people might have voted for him in the primaries. What now you wake up?

I have run out of bullshit to talk about right now

I hate it here…

My tribute to Obammers

You know it’s true.