Horrible Advice From Your Uncle Drunken Llama

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to live your life, however it is much more entertaining.

Always have several fake names and extra cell phones that way you never have to give out the real ones.  Just make sure you don’t mix them up.

Never tell anyone you love them if they know your real name or where you live.

Never marry anyone who would have sex with you on the first date.  However you should try to get a couple more dates just for the fun of it.

Remember the proper etiquette in a strip club is whoever correctly guesses what drug the stripper is on gets the lap dance.

Speaking of strip clubs if you are in a private room for a lap dance and the stripper tells you that for an extra $300 you can put it anywhere, you can, but you shouldn’t.

Any woman that you just met at a bar that offers to buy you tequila shots will probably have sex with you that night.

When drinking with a woman always drink twice as much as she does that way you can always say later that she took advantage of you. *

If you shake more than twice you’re playing with it and if you don’t a bit will dribble down your leg.  It’s your call.

No matter how cracked and dry your skin is – even if it’s so obvious you can see it from space – and you are a man the lady behind the counter still thinks you are buying lotion to masturbate with.  The only way to counter this is to buy tampons and some milk that way they think you were sent on an errand by your wife or girlfriend.

Always treat people with dignity and respect, unless they don’t deserve it, then don’t, unless they pay you and you need to keep that job.

If you’re over the age of 18 and don’t own at least one good suit you are failing at life.  If you are over 30 and only own one good suit you are still failing.

Always remember to do your research before telling people you are a fighter pilot to impress people.  The Navy doesn’t use F-14′s anymore, has never used F-15′s and a B-52 isn’t a fighter so get your facts strait or you will look like an ass.  No matter how dense most of the people at the party are someone will know and they will call you on it as they should.

No matter how big you think you are she’s had better so stop worrying about it and just be happy some chick likes you.

Speaking of size; a very large cock is only impressive in porno.  In the real word it is usually uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.  Yeah, size matters but it’s more of a ratio between the smallest that works and the largest that works.

Getting 4 girls numbers at the same bar in one night always sounds cool and you can brag about it with your friends.  The problem is you were at a bar all night and trying to remember who was who and what you talked about is next to impossible unless you were dead sober and have a very good memory.  Therefor calling any of them can be risky.  Basically getting more than one number is pointless since there is a very small chance you will call any one them and if you do there is a large chance you will fuck it up.  But have fun and go for it.

Your ability to make a bong out of anything does not impress anyone worth impressing.  Also your ability to take large amounts of any drug without getting that fucked up also does not impress anyone worth impressing.**

Hypocrisy isn’t saying one thing and doing another, that’s screwing up.  Hypocrisy is saying people shouldn’t do something but saying  ”it’s OK when I do it”.

If you are visiting foreign countries and feel the need to lie about what country you are from you either shouldn’t be in that country or you are a little pussy bitch and your homeland would be better off if you didn’t come back.***

It’s rude to ask someone why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend and never try to set them up with anyone you know.  If they aren’t good enough to even date one of you least favorite acquaintances just don’t bring up the subject.  The question is fine if you are only tying to find out what they like and dislike so you can help otherwise you’re just asking someone to bare their soul so you can judge, quietly.  Oh so quietly…

Just because Ideology can be dangerous doesn’t mean it will.  Just remember you need to continue to question and prove to yourself that it’s correct.  It’s not as easy as it sounds but if you aren’t even trying you have a very big problem.

Never fish for compliments; it’s tacky and shows a lack of class.

If you’re not proud of yourself it’s your fault.  but if you’re proud of yourself you better be able to prove why you should be.  Prove, not justify.  People can justify anything with the right amount of bullshit.

On that note.   You should never have to justify your actions they should be able to speak for themselves.

Intentions mean nothing if you make it worse.

Air travel always sucks so never pay too much for it and never get on an air line that wont let you walk onto the plane with an open beer in your hand.  Seriously you are always going to be late, it will always be cramped and they are going to lose your luggage but as long as it isn’t a Chinese air line or Delta and the flight attendants don’t give a crap that you walked onto the plane with your own six pack it will be the best you are going to get out of air travel.

Really fuck Delta.

When you wake up and don’t know where you are always make sure you still have your wallet and your gun.  If you don’t have either you fucked up since you should always keep both hidden in  place people won’t check when they try to rob your passed out ass.

If  your collage major has “Studies” at the end of it, it’s worthless.  People don’t major in Physics Studies, Electrical Engineering Studies, History Studies or Medicine Studies.  Hell they don’t even major in Philosophy Studies and a major in Philosophy is pretty much useless.  All a major in a “Studies” does if tell the rest of the world not only do you have no marketable skills any employer would ever need but you are stupid enough to spend a shit-load of money acquiering those lack of marketable skills.  You can train a moron that is willing to work hard to do a lot of things but you can’t train an idiot with a sense of entitlement and  bullshit college degree to do anything.

Love is like a fine wine.  It’s expensive, it must be aged carefully and sipped slowly.  It will also never last.

I’m joking unlike love a good wine exists and it’s much easier to get your hands on another decent bottle.

Fair fights only exist in boxing and movies.


*  This will probably not hold up in court since double standards are fun.

** Yes this is from a llama that spends his free time chugging scotch and lighting hippies on fire.  Fuck off.

*** Exceptions can be made for people that have to travel for work or charity reasons and need to keep a low profile.


Hi, I Named My Child Guinea Pig Because That is What I’m Using It For.

“Parents keep child’s gender secret”

So these idiots that claim to be parents are trying to “raise a genderless baby”.  Why the fucking hell would you do that?  The kid has either an XX or and XY at the fucking genetic code don’t they?  It’s not genderless you just want to experiment with a fucking child – your fucking child –  to make some fucking idiotic socio-political point.    What the fucking shit-hell is wrong with mother-rapist assholes on this planet?

“Witterick and Stocker believe they are giving their children the freedom to choose who they want to be, unconstrained by social norms about males and females. Some say their choice is alienating.”

No, no you are fucking not doing that you are fucking with their heads.  Let me explain something you shit-heels missing in your fucking 3rd grad science class.  Baring a genetic abnormality you, as a fucking human, or I don’t fucking know a mammal are either male or female.   You know fuckwad, XX/XY chromosome, like genetics and DNA and shit like that?  You are not fighting some concept like the socially designated ideals of what a male or female should be you are fucking fighting the concept of genetics itself.   Do you have a uterus and can carry a child?  What no you don’t you might not be a woman and no matter how much you try to tell yourself you are one you aren’t jackass!!!  People do need to learn how to be comfortable with themselves and shit like that but when you tell someone to ignore their own genetics you aren’t fucking doing that you are fucking with their fucking head you fucking crapshit little bitches!  And these are fucking children!!!  Congratulations you hippie ass-sucking scum fucks you and destroying the mind of a child.  If your daughter wants to play sports and study math while your son wants to be a poet and design clothing fucking hell yes you fucking encourage them to do that fucking happy horse shit but you don’t fuck with their biology.  You are heretics to science and nature.    You are going to raise a fucking serial killer.  This isn’t about sexuality.  If you are a homosexual you are still a male or female that happens to like to fuck someone of the same gender.  You cannot, no matter how much you want to try, change your fucking gender since no matter what you do you cannot fucking change your DNA, and if we could do it you fucking shouldn’t.

I fucking understand that these people are fucking morons considering this quote from the article about the family  “Last year, they spent two weeks in Cuba, living with local families and learning about the revolution.”  Yeah we all love the revolution especially the fucking part where it took the country with the second largest GDP in the western hemisphere to one of the last in a matter of fucking months.  Barring all the mass murder and oppression lets fucking celebrate that with our mentally abused children!  You fucks would probably do less harm to your children if you forced them you watch you fellate sheep every Tuesday.  No instead you try to make them uncomfortable with their own biology for you own socio-political ideology.

Look asslickers gender cannot be changed.  It’s not a social construct it’s fucking biology.  If you have a son who would rather paint than play fucking hockey buy him art supplies and tell him to paint.  I remember being a little llama and what my parents did.  They gave me a hockey stick, a bb-gun, a set of colored pencils and oil paints, a chemistry set and then made me learn to play several instruments.  A person (or llama in my case) is only well rounded (no matter what the gender) if it experiences it all but it is their choice on what to focus on.  However no matter their interest they are still biologically male or female and you can’t fucking change that.  However you can fuck with someone’s mind so much they don’t know what the fucking shit is going the fuck on. Gender is important but not important how people what to make it or unimportant how fucking dumpster babies what to make it.  Gender matters because we need strong men and strong women to show our children what strong men and strong women should be like.   Fucking hell bitches we already have the concept of the “mama bear” so it’s not like we only think the father will kill us when we fuck with their family.  Boys need a strong father to show them what a man is supposed to be and a strong mother to show them what a woman is supposed to be, girls need the same thing.  This isn’t as I said about sexuality.  It’s not about what hole you happen to prefer fucking, it’s about gender.  You have an XX or an XY (genetic abnormalities not withstanding).  To deny gender is to deny nature.  We should all be warriors and we should all be artists, but you are still either a male or fucking female.  Leave children out of your stupid fucking crusades you herpes smuggling ass eaters!



Llama out bitches…

Ronnie James Dio Dead At 67

That sucks.  Really it fucking sucks, the guy rocked both in his solo stuff and when he was with Black Sabbath (yes Ozzy was the best but come the fuck on, Sabbath had some good fucking albums with Dio).

So here is some Dio by himself and then some Dio with Black Sabbath.  If you don’t like the shit you are the kind of person who has sex with their sister, has AIDS and killed Jesus!

Holy Diver fucking rocks.

Die Young From Black Sabbath with Dio.

And Heaven And Hell.  More Dio and Black Sabbath.


Llama out and unlike most of the rest of you Dio wasn’t a bitch.

Fuck You Fred Phelps: Bullshit, People I Really, Really Hate And Assholes That Protest Funerals

Editors Note:  Since Letters hasn’t been posting much lately on account of having finally received a copy of Yakuza 3 (no not directly from Sega as he demanded, that wasn’t going to happen no matter how insane his ideas about his own power are they just aren’t that good) and his being distracted by that it’s time for more crap from the Drunken Llama.  Sorry about this people, we are only humble editors and after having had a Llama point an AK-47 at your head a couple of times you just give up and let the bastard do what he wants to do.

Llama Note:  Fuck you Editors and Fuck you letters you sorry son of a bitch.  Hey Letters don’t you think it’s a little sad that you have gotten laid in a video game more times this week than you have with a real girl this year?  OK time to let the hate flow…

Outrage After Marine’s Father Ordered to Pay Funeral Protester’s Fees

Outrage, but why?

“A court order requiring the father of a Marine killed in Iraq to pay court costs of anti-gay protestors who picketed the funeral has not only angered the father — it is prompting outcry among veterans.

The VFW issued a statement to its members calling on them to help the father, Albert Snyder of York, Pa., pay the $16,510 owed to Fed Phelps, the leader of Kansas’ Westboro Baptist Church, which held protests at Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder’s funeral in 2006.

“It is absolutely wrong for the court to order him to shoulder a financial burden on top of everything else,” said VFW National Commander Thomas J. Tradewell Sr. “This is a travesty at best and borders on the obscene. The irony in this whole situation is that the blood and sacrifice of our nation’s heroes have enabled this group to spread their message of hate.”

The Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit ordered Snyder on Friday to pay Phelps. A two-page decision supplied by his attorneys offered no details on how the court came to its decision.

But since Snyder told Fox News on Tuesday he would defy the court order, he has gotten an outpouring of support from across the country.”

So the cocksmoking fucktards at the Westboro Baptist Church like to picket a funerals, we all know this is fucking stupid and rude.  Yeah I hate people but I don’t go to their funerals to scream about it.  Fuck these guys suck a fat one.  From what I understand about the situation is that the herpes eating fuckwads from the Westboro Baptist Church like to picket funerals because they think God hates gay people so much he wants US soldiers to die because…  I don’t get it?  What because the US doesn’t round-up gay people and murder them God wants some one who has nothing to do with the issue of homosexuality in America to die?  That doesn’t make much fucking sense to me.  OK so these fuckers are crazy, like moosefucking transvestite crazy.  So they protest a funeral for a dead soldier and the father not appreciating  it much sues the shit out of them.  Well to say the least the father lost on Free Speech grounds and that sounded like the end of it until the moosefuckers decided to sue the father for the cost of their court fees.  Even going to far as claiming that because he got the dead kids life insurance he has the money to pay them.  Yep, asshole munchers they are.  Well for some reason the next court decided that yes the father should pay the court fees.  The judge is an asshole.  Now the father says he won’t pay and many people have gotten together to make sure he doesn’t have to if he loses another court case or is forced to pay (see some people in this world don’t suck that bad).

OK we all caught up bitches?  What I don’t understand is how the useless wastes of tainted sperm that is the Westboro Baptist Church even got away with protesting a funeral.  I know people have the right to protest, I know hippies do it every time someone angers them by trying to get them to have a rational thought.  Free Speech and all.  But at a funeral?  How the hell do you get away with a protest at a graveyard?  It’s not like a fucking graveyard is public property can’t you just make them leave the premises and arrest them for trespassing?  Am I missing something here?  I understand freedom of speech lets you be an asshole, but I thought trespassing was still a crime?  Just because you can say something doesn’t give you the right to yell your crazy bullshit on private property.

If you want to send money to help go here to matthewsnyder.org

Even if God really does hate fags something tells me that he probably hates the Westboro Baptist Church a bit more…  Sorry a lot fucking more as in if there was a one to ten scale on God hate; Gays would be about a 1 and the Westboro Baptist Church would be a 635.

OK Look, I am not at all advocating violence, it’s illegal to both do violence and to advocate it.  What people need to do it go to this Westboro Church of Cancerous Anal Discharge and protest them all fucking day.  Plus call your local representatives and make sure that this “church” isn’t allowed to be eligible tax exempt status as a church.

Here is their address go say hello.  No, do not use violence or attack their homes and children.  Please remember while these fucking lunatics are crazy they are smart enough not to use violence against people and you should be smarter than they are (unless you are Nancy Pelosi then you might be on the same level of fucktard). Fucking tainted sperm licking ass munching cock gobbling lunatics…

Westboro Baptist Church
3701 SW 12th St
Topeka, KS 66604

Good Ideas for your protest signs:



Now if you really want to piss them off you can get all the lunatics freaks and perverts from San Francisco’s Folsom Street Fair* to show up outside their church and do all the hideous things that those fuckers do.  That shit would be fucking funny as all fucking hell.


*  It’s basically a giant orgy of perversion no respectable person gay or strait would be caught dead going to or being near.


Llama Note:  OK before anyone (that be you liberals) starts yelling about the right-wing and the Republicans on this one, Phelps the guy that runs this shit ran for the for Governor of Kansas (3 times) and the US Senate as a Democrat between 1990 and 1998.  So don’t blame this fucking shitsucking cancerfucker on the Republicans.  He even got 30% of the vote in the Democratic primary in 1992.   Really this time can’t we all just agree to hate the same asshole?

I Apologize To The World

Someone let the Drunken Llama post more stuff on here so sorry about that folks.  Sadly it gets worse he also decided to start his own blog.  I’m not going to say I recommend going to it unless you don’t mind constant profanity and insane ranting that borders on a Crime Against Humanity.

Anyway, have fun with it and Please for the love of god don’t buy him any booze.


I Hate Old People: Social Security And Your Face

Editors Note:  The Drunken Llama was let out of his cage and allowed to write this post.  Yes we said we would try to keep him from ever posting again but he bribed a guard and we were too drunk to give a shit.  So have fun.

OK Kids, it’s time to play with your old uncle Llama so lets get this hatecrime started bitches.

“The bursting of the real estate bubble and the ensuing recession have hurt jobs, home prices and now Social Security.

This year, the system will pay out more in benefits than it receives in payroll taxes, an important threshold it was not expected to cross until at least 2016, according to the Congressional Budget Office.”

OK to be fair this is from the New York Times so it only has a 25% chance of being accurate.  I’m joking it’s the fucking New York Times, as always it’s all lies just to suck up to the Soviets…  Wait, for once that doesn’t even make sense…  Fuck…  More Scotch and let’s just move on for now…

Social Security is fucked, well fuck you politicians! But really what is the point, we know they are scum so why even bother (because I can’t let a chance to tell them to fuck off go to waste) so I’m going to move on.  I’m going to attack someone else for once (OK I attack everyone, especially that Jennifer girl, yeah you know why, don’t play stupid you filthy lying whore… wait what, am I talking to myself on a blog…  Lord I need a drink… Oh scotch… wait what?) .  Thanks old people.  Really Thanks.  No seriously fuck you guys.  You wanted the government to pay for your retirement rather than be responsible with your money and now I get to pay for your Social Security benefits, a benefit I will never see.  OK Social Security is going under and faster than people thought it would, but to top it all off you also managed to make sure that this country is trillions of dollars in debt.  So thanks old people you guys suck a fat fucking cock.  Why am I blaming old people for this and not the politicians?  Because politicians are old people, well older than me anyway and it’s the old people that have been voting these assholes into power for years.  They want all these benefits from the government and have never tried to stop the waste and the spending.  And hell, what do they care, they always figured they would be dead before they ever had to worry about paying off the government debts, it’s on the young to do that.  So fuck you old people.  Look I can understand why young people do stupid things (like vote for Obama) but they are young inexperienced and fucking morons.  A 20 year old kid spent at least 18 years of his life living off of his parents, he doesn’t understand being responsible for himself that well so he looks at the government like it’s his new mommy.  You on the other hand had years to get your shit together, years to figure out how things work and to be responsible for yourself.  Years!   You couldn’t have spent any of that time trying to make sure you saved enough for retirement?  No I understand that things happen, the whole point of Social Security was a safety net for the people that either something bad happened to and need the help or the fucking losers that never got off their lazy asses to help themselves (the second group can go fuck themselves with a baseball bat wrapped in razor wire and AIDS).  It wasn’t a retirement plan and that wasn’t a state secret or anything.  Any literate person in America could have found that one out (hell you don’t even have to be literate, when it was thought up they told everyone it was just a safety net).

The young are irresponsible because they are young, inexperienced, nieve and ignorant, that’s why the older generations are supposed to teach them to be responsible and not a bunch of morons.  Lucky for us the older folk were irresponsible and still fucking ignorant. Fuckin’ A bitches I love paying for other peoples mistakes.  Thanks guys, there isn’t going to be a third-rate nursing home for you, I’m not even going to bother to do that much.  fuck you guys, seriously fuck you…

Now to all the youth out there,  pull your heads out of you asses, look at what the fuckers older than you have done and don’t do the same stupid shit.  Be responsible with your money, save, invest, plan your retirement, because there isn’t going to be any safety net for you.  The countries broke and if you don’t take charge of your own life and your own finances you will be fucked harder than a $2 whore.

Drunken Llama out bitches…

Second Editors Note:  We have returned the Drunken Llama to his cage and apologize to the poor people in the city of Cleveland for the 23 million dollars worth of property damage he caused.  And no, we are not paying, we didn’t even know there was 23 million dollars worth of …  well anything in Cleveland, but the point is don’t blame us, you can blame the fuckers at the liquor store that lets a llama buy 12 cases of scotch.

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