I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back.  I know how much you all missed me.   I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night.   I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant.  So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot.   I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies?  You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided.   The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it.  Why is that?  Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff.  Really?  Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents.  He is a good guy to say the least.  If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it.  Fuck him.  OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again.  By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news.  A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West.   It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S.  did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit.  Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S.   Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone.  Remember Iraq?  The countries government was destroyed in weeks.  Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army.  You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied.  Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch.  I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels.  Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side.  And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”.  Fucking hell people are crazy.  I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well…  You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks.  Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA.  Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly.  I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary?  They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines.  There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway.  Come the fuck on people!  We all know who the problem is.  It’s pissed off Moslems.  Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat.  Pissed off Moslems.   I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes?  Like pissed off Moslems?  Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes.   Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers.  Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it.  All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships.  If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me.  Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked?  I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it.   Really I just want to thank you for that.  I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs.  Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance.  Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know.  Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know).   They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem.  Plus they just need too.  It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense.  I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense.  The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about.  They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children.  Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it.  They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time.  Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense.  It’s a joke.  Stop it.  It’s not 1946 anymore.  Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages?  I don’t get it?  You’re from Poland or Japan!  I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account.  I have a regular email address people can use.  I really do not know what the point of most of it is.  Especially the status updates.  Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store.  It’s like the height of vapid egotism.  I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend.  I get the invitations to events.  But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid.  Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album?  I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money.  Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong?  I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on.  One time it was just all jumbled up.  This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews.   It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel.  The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero.  What the fuck!  I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic?  It’s treason you shitheads.  Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country?  We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50.  We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo.  Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them.  So much for free speech I guess.  It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you.  I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains.  Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”.  Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”.  Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow.  Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up.  It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

And here is a funny ass video I found on Because No One Asked.

I know what cat tastes like.  I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting?  You eat things like shrimp and crab right?  You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach.  But cat is gross?


Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats.  OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011.   5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English.  It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome?  Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity.  So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters.  Why?  Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them.  Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too?  Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves?  To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook.  Why would you poke someone.  It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people?  At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something.  With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”.  But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them.  They need a punch button.  You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later.  I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7.  It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close.  Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow.  You need to be there for me guys.  You know I love you…

Hmm…  Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason.  Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask?  Well because I pick on everything.  That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account.  I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.


Wait I might have spoke too soon…  Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars.  Why do you fucks make me do this?  And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too?  God how I hate you all…  First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so.  I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake!   So why am I talking about it?  Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show.  Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it.  Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was.  Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing.  OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there.  IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING.   AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT?  Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important.  More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people.  Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII?  Seriously you need to get your priorities strait.  Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life.  It’s not fucking important.  The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important.  The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important.  Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East.   If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place.  The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too.  Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”.  I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though.  And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas.  Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects.  I always hated it because of Christmas music.  Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying.  You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait.  I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already.  Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit.  My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off.  On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God.  You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything?  You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way.  I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk.   Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity…  This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus…  I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid.  As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims.  At least this guy did commit a crime.  I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder.  Fuck you Iran, fuck you.





I hate it here…


The Ramifications On The Sinking Of The Cheonan And The New Korean War

A lot of new and fun things have been coming from the Korean peninsula recently and I as the worlds foremost experts in all things pertaining to North Korea figure I should once again take you on a journey towards the Hermit Kingdom.

Recent developments have shown that North Korea did in fact sink a South Korean war ship the ROKS Cheonan (PCC-772),  killing 46 people.  This has led to higher than normal tensions between what some refer to as Good Korea and Bad Korea (if you can’t figure out which is which shoot yourself for being a communist).  South Korea has retaliated by tightening sanction and stopping much of the trade between the two countries.  North Korea responded by once again screaming about war denying everything like usual no matter how insane their lies are and may shut down what is left of the trade between the two.  Both countries will deny each other use of ports, airspace and national waters.  North Korea claims any sanctions or any penalty for anything they ever do is an act of war against them (but them torpedoing a ship and killing people is OK for some reason).  Is it going to end it war?  Well I’m going to go with no, because China is still going to pretend to mediate but basically back North Korea simply because they are both communist countries, although I doubt they would send troops in if a war started but they would as usual send supplies and sell them arms even if they do it quietly (although they probably won’t both to do it quietly since every time they sign on to stop sending the money and arms the just do it anyway and everyone knows it).  South Korea probably knows that Obama doesn’t have the stomach to really back them if a war starts.  South Korea probably knows war is not the best answer because they would be on their own and if they did crush North Korea it would cause them to go broke trying to rebuild it if they went for reunification and there would be a lot of other problems if they crushed the North and then let them keep their country.   North Korea needs to talk about war to keep their population in line but knows they don’t have the money or resources to wage a real war.  China doesn’t want a war because they might also have to pick up the tab for North Korea and deal with the refugee problem it would create and also doesn’t want a unified Korean peninsula with a pro-west or at least pro-democracy government so they want to keep the status quo.  America is dealing with two other wars and has a leader who can’t even talk to a class of 4th graders without a teleprompter and when it comes to military decisions waffles so much it causes earthquakes

While North Korea has an extremely large army it is very underpowered technologically and the troops are staving.  They can do some damage but they can’t wage a protracted war without turning the whole army into a suicide squad.  War is not their aim.  I know it sounds odd when I say they did not try to start a war.  They attacked another country but are not trying to get into a war? Yes, that’s what is going on.  It makes sense from their thinking, well to a point I was even surprised they went this far however unless they pull a couple more stunts like this I will say that they don’t want a war.  What they want it to give South Korea and the rest of the world a black eye and use the war propaganda to get them through the sanctions and show everyone how tough they are.  They know or at least think the UN will not do anything about it (well everyone knows the UN will not do anything), South Korea and America don’t want a war and even if the South did America doesn’t want to get into another one right now and without American support South Korea will be hesitant to attack and due to the world’s economy being in the toilet the rest of the world, or at least the portions who while wouldn’t help militarily but may help economically will be hesitant to spend large sums in support of the South thus helping North Korea get away with this.

Now the question becomes why would North Korea bother to do this in the first place?  It’s because Kim Jong-il is old and probably dieing.  His successor Kim Jong-un is relatively unknown and unlike Kim Jong-il was not groomed for years as a successor so this causes  problems in a communist country since it is the only country that has ever existed that has a system best described as a Dynastic Communism. In order for Kim Jong-un to come to power with at least a little of his father’s power North Korea need a good propaganda coupe to look powerful in the world towards the people.  Acting aggressively like this and not suffering military consequences does this for the most part.  Basically they are bluffing the world much like they always do when they scream about war only this time they upped the ante by blowing up a South Korean ship and if the world doesn’t call the bluff they will succeed and they can run with the propaganda for a couple of years and use it to help ease the succession problems at least somewhat.

Do I want war?  No, not really, war isn’t a good thing, it is sometimes necessary though.  The men that died aboard the Cheonan need justice but in this world justice is in very short supply.  The problem with this is that there are no good options, sanctions have never worked with North Korea for longer than a week, they will pretend to be good now and then but they never change.  war could be catastrophic for the Korean peninsula both in the human and economic costs.   I have already mentioned the problems with outside support so the financial burden that may be lifted to some extent (although the human cost will remain) will not be lessened much if at all.  In a better world even if something like this did happen a large international force would have started operations last week and while the war would happen the financial cost and the human cost would be more spread out and the reconstruction of the North after the end of the war wouldn’t bankrupt South Korea.  But we live in this world where the UN sits by and watches genocide while raping and stealing from the ones lucky enough to survive and most counties think diplomacy is the answer to everything no matter what evidence there is to the contrary.

So what is the cure for all this mess?  Fuck if I know.  OK I do know to a point.  The civilized world needs to enforce strict sanctions making it illegal to sell or buy anything from North Korea (china and the uncivilized world will not go along but other than China most of the uncivilized world excluding some Middle Eastern countries don’t have much money).  We also need to get an international force to station more troops on the border shut down the sea lanes and let North Korea know that if they try to pull something they will be destroyed.  OK in reality the cure for this is for the world to pull its head out its ass and do a bunch of other things it will never do.  OK better solution, hid under your desk cover your ears and eyes, cry like a little bitch and hope it will all go away (or in other words mostly what the worlds leaders do now).  I’m counting on not much happening other than talk and I will still have to deal with North Korea shooting rockets over my head (I live in Japan if you didn’t know), well when their rockets don’t blow up during the launch.

Alright I’m joking, I think…  OK that wasn’t a joke I just want to tell myself it was.  Other than what little sanctions we can get right now we probably won’t be able to do much until Kim Jong-il finally finds his way to hell and if we are luck we can find a way to work with Kim Jong-un and hope (yes “hope” also known as lying to yourself so you don’t cry yourself to sleep every night) he has the power to do something and be North Korea’s Mikhail Gorbachev.  Then we have to hope that unlike Russia North Korea doesn’t end up with their own version of Putin and the rest of the ex-KGB and Russian Mafia that is currently running Russia.  Yes, Russia’s current leadership is still a bunch of bastards but they cause less international problems than the old Soviet Union.

The good news is that North Korea probably can’t cause WWIII since most countries won’t back them in a shooting war so unless China gets really stupid and commits troops (something they know is not in their economic interest) we don’t have to worry about that.  The bad news is that what I just said was the closest thing we have to good news.

I’m not going to get into much else about what would happen in a war, North Korea’s military or the ramifications of a change of government because I have already done it several times so if you want more just go here and you can read all my other articles on North Korea (really, do it, you might learn something).


I hate it here…

Oh, North Korea How You Complete Me.

Is this photo relevant to the post?  No, but it’s funny so shut up while I get on with the rest.

Ah, my best running joke friend North Korea is back in the news so today I have with me two delicious helpings of fun from the Hermit Kingdom.

First off I’m going to go with the quick and easy jokes and the first story:

“U.N. Expert: No. Korean Farm Controls Causing Hunger:

North Korea should let farms produce freely and allow food to be sold in local markets because the communist government cannot provide enough food for its people, a U.N. human rights investigator urged Monday.”

Easy Joke Number 1:

It’s the U.N. and they pretty much invented the concept of Complete Fuck-Up.  It’s what they do for a living, so when they say you fucked up hardcore you know they know what they are talking about.

Easy Joke Number 2:

Communist/Socialist Farm Controls cause hunger, since when?  Oh, right, Cambodia (Pol Pot), The Soviet Union (The Ukrainian Famine, 70 Years of bad harvests, ect..), China (The Great Leap Forward… into starvation and death…), Zimbabwe (just as the Ukraine was the “Bread Basket” of Eastern Europe Zimbabwe was that to Africa, it’s not now, thanks to Mugabe and his “Land Reforms”, prick…).  Seriously at what point in history have “Land Reforms” by left-wing tyrants not ended in starvation?  Thanks U.N. guy for stating the obvious.

Easy Joke Number 3:

“The U.N. estimates that 8.7 million people need food aid in North Korea. The country has relied on foreign assistance to feed much of its population since the mid-1990s when its economy was hit by natural disasters and the loss of the regime’s Soviet benefactor.”

I’m pretty sure the “natural disasters” are really called Kim Il-sung, Kim Jong-il and the idiocy that is Communism.  The thing they called a “Natural disaster in the 90’s was mud slides that whipped out much of the agricultural base because people clear cut the mountains to hide private farms so they wouldn’t starve since the government took all the food from the communal state farms to feed the Kims, some of the army and the Kims army of concubines.  Now what happens when you use very primitive farming technics on a mountainside because you can’t afford to terrace it because it would be too obvious you have an illegal farming operation up there and you have removed the trees that help hold the dirt up there?  It’s called a mud-slide, and good for them these mud-slides killed the state farms below.  Now no one has food.  Woohoo!
The country only lasted till the 90’s because the Soviet Union was giving them welfare payments for their food.  They entire country’s economy was based on Soviet welfare payments.  Interestingly enough if the Soviet Union hadn’t been giving them this for… I don’t know… North Korea’s whole existence not only would North Korea not exist but the Soviet Union might have had enough money to keep themselves afloat for another 10 years before they collapsed from the idiocy that was their economic system.  Hell the only reason there are still people in North Korea is because of the very, very large amount of land mines in the DMZ, otherwise it would have looked like the Berlin Wall (mother fuckers trying to jump the bitch every day).

Easy Joke Number…  Fuck it…  I’m just going with the rest of them here:

“Muntarbhorn has never been allowed to visit North Korea, which views his mandate as a violation of its sovereignty.

Basing his information on U.N. and non-governmental agencies active in North Korea, he said soldiers routinely steal or extort agricultural produce from farmers in the country. He said interviews with refugees also provided valuable information about the plight of rural North Koreans.

“People should be able to generate that food and keep it rather than being extorted as they are today,” Muntarbhorn said. “They should be able to trade; to generate income the state is not able to provide.”

Muntarbhorn presented his report Monday at the U.N. Human Rights Council, prompting an angry North Korean rebuttal.

North Korean diplomat Myong Nam Choe accused the investigator of being part of a Western effort to discredit the Pyongyang government.”

Soldiers steal food… what, really?  Yeah they steal and extort food and sometimes it’s for themselves rather than the State.  It’s because the country doesn’t have a functioning economy, the State has always stolen and extorted food, the reason that the Army is doing it more than they are told to is because the government doesn’t even bother to try to feed them well.  At least when they were still on the Soviet Welfare program the Government sent food to the military.  Now they are barely bothering to do that.  What do you think is going to happen?

“People should be able to generate that food and keep it rather than being extorted as they are today”,  Really?  Is that true?  Isn’t that sort of the entire concept of Traditional Liberalism?  You know the ability to keep your own shit and hasn’t that done more for the world economy than any other system ever invented?  What next the U.N. will talk about property rights and limited governmental interference?  How the hell did this Professor Muntarbhorn get a job at the U.N. considering the U.N.’s motto is “Thievery, Rape, Incompetence”?

“North Korean diplomat Myong Nam Choe accused the investigator of being part of a Western effort to discredit the Pyongyang government.”

Yeah, because someone really needs to try and do that one.  Your countries entire economy is based on getting people to give you money to knock off your crazy shit.  You test a missile then tell the world you will stop if they give you money for food.  The world feels bad and gives you money.  You run out of money so you do it again.  Your entire economy is like a person on welfare that tells you that they will rob you house if you don’t keep giving them money, because lord knows he isn’t going to go out and get a fucking job and you don’t what to deal with a the crying the liberal twats (I know putting liberal and twat is redundant but I did it anyway) around the world will do if you just shoot the bastard.  Well played North Korea, well played.  For now at least, some day someone is going to pimp-slap the liberal twats (I did it again), tell them to shut the fuck up and shoot the bastard (think Saddam Hussein at the end of a rope).  yea, Sean Penn might get upset but what does he know?  I seriously thought the movie I Am Sam was a documentary of his life until I remembered that he isn’t that smart.  He’s the person the Retarded call retarded.  A rock has a better chance of being sentient than Sean Penn…  Wait what was the point…  Something, something, Sean Penn is is an idiot, North Korea…  Right that was it…
OK on to the second part:

“SEOUL, South Korea — North Korean leader Kim Jong Il may die within three years, a senior U.S. envoy said in Seoul last month, according to a report published Wednesday.

Assistant U.S. Secretary of State Kurt Campbell told U.S. Ambassador Kathleen Stephens, a South Korean lawmaker and activists in a closed-door session that he doubted the 68-year-old leader would live beyond 2013, South Korea’s Chosun Ilbo newspaper said.

Campbell based his estimate on medical information, the report said, citing unidentified source.”

OK, I think it’s more a news think than a joke but I had to bring it up.  I don’t really think I need to once again get into the Kim Jong-il being dead thing because I have gone over it in length.  But why is this fun?  Well for one Kim is going to be dead and that makes me laugh and two, well read these other posts like I said and you will get the point:

Letters from the Hermit Kingdom: North Korea and the Kim

Silliness in the Hermit Kingdom and fun with North Korean succession

Silliness in the Hermit Kingdom Part II

Now some of the information and the posts are old but it all makes more sense when you start from the beginning and at least on the third one if you read the comments section because I do go over a lot of different things about the possible death of Kim Jong-il and the repercussions of it.  I’ll end with some fun photoshop from North Korea.

Yes he wasn’t really in that picture.  He was probably in a hospital at the time but they needed to make it look like he wasn’t.

North Korea Threatens To Blow Themselves Up, World Could Care Less

I spend a lot of my time making fun of North Korea or at least the Tiny Tot they call their leader anyway.  I do it because I care, about humor, political humor that is (if you don’t find me funny you rape baby seals and can watch MSNBC without laughing… I really don’t know what bothers me more about you…).  I also care about Korea, sort of, I care about Korean women because I find them to be rather attractive so if you are a young Korean Woman in her 20’s or early 30’s please go here…  Wait that wasn’t the point of this was it?   What was I talking about?

Oh… Right… North Korea blowing stuff up

OK I’ll be honest, North Korea didn’t threaten to blow themselves up, they threatened to blow up the United States and South Korea.  And while they may be able to do some damage I think they will hurt themselves a bit more than they will hurt anyone else.  First off their main ballistic missile is the Taepodong-2 and it has a tendency to blow up during launch.  Now this might cause a problem for them when they try to blow someone else up considering the Type of dong-2 Taepodong-2 even when it doesn’t blow up during the launch is more likely to act like a boomerang and  still blow up the launch pad  than actually get close enough to do anything.  Yes I know every now and then they get one in the air that doesn’t come back and blow up the poor bastard that tried to launch the thing but it’s not very often.  To put it in perspective the Withdrawal Method has a better chance at preventing crabs than one of those things has of hitting it’s target (unless the target is the launching pad, they are good at that one).  Interestingly enough maybe if they set the target as the launching pad they might get lucky.  Granted this is the same logic that makes me wonder if I might be able to make a hole-in-one while golfing if I aimed in the opposite direction of the green but that’s why I don’t play golf, I’m bad at it, very, very bad at it (unless I’m in someone’s living room with a Wii controller in my hand).  My point is when your only hope is a Hail Mary that requires you to shoot at yourself you might want to find another game to play.  You’d be safer playing Russian Roulette with a Colt 1911.

Well if their missiles aren’t that good they do have other things.  Like top-notch fighter jets…  Wait, nope don’t have that either.  They do have fighters but much like the hilarity that is the name of their missiles their jets are even better.  The North Korean Air Force still use MIG-15’s. Now why is this funny?  Well for two reasons.  The first is that the MIG-15 was top of the line when it was introduced and was a formidable fighter jet, but that was in 1947.  So their aircraft are over 60 years behind the times.  But wait there’s more!  All jets have a number such as the F-14, F-22 and so on, but they also have what is called a Reporting Name.  In the case of the F-14 it’s the Tomcat and the F-22 it’s the Raptor.  Good, strong names.  The MIG-15 is the Fagot.  Seriously I’m not making this up.  the North Korean Air Force is flying around in a bunch of Fagots.  Granted I will give them that it’s not their most popular fighter.  The second most popular fighter – that isn’t for only training purposes – is the Shenyang J-5 that was introduced in China in 1956, but it is really just a copy of the MIG-17 introduced in 1952.  Sadly both the Shenyang J-5 and the MIG-17 are called a Fresco and not say the MIG-17 Dike and then moving on to the MIG-21 Lady Boy (the MIG-21 is a Fishbed, it’s not really a step up though).  Yes their most popular fighter is the MIG-21 Fishbed.  I’m so, so afraid.

This is what the North Korean Air force is made of:

The MIG-15 Fagot

The MIG-17 Fresco

The MIG-19 Farmer

The MIG-21 Fishbed

The sad thing is that the 8-track deck your grandfather has at his house is more technologically advance than the entirety of the North Korean Air Force.

Then there is the North Korean Army.  Yes it is quite large for a country that size, but they haven’t eaten in weeks.  If they ever tried to invade South Korea people would be confused weather or not it was an invasion or a bunch of refugees fleeing across the border looking for food.  We don’t even need land mines on the DMZ we could just drop thousands of pounds of Twinkies and Ramen Noodles on the advancing North Korean Army and it would halt them in their tracks.  Hell the only reason their Tinny Tot of a communist dictator (I know communist and dictator in the same sentence is redundant but every now and then a dictator isn’t a communist or socialist) still pulls this shit is he’s hoping the world doesn’t call his bluff so he can dupe them into sending more food aid.  Sadly it works, I don’t know why but I suspect it’s because half the world feels bad and the rest don’t want to look bad by picking on the kid in the wheel chair.  It’s that or the fact we all know that if it gets any worse we might actually have to go in there and do something.  It would take 50 years and a 500 billion dollars to get them to Somalia levels of civilization.  Think about it like this I could go to Somalia right now and get a cellphone an internet connection and a HDTV and a Blu-Ray player.  In  North Korea I can’t even get an aspirin without having to bride 18 members or Kim Jong-il’s inner circle.  The country had to kidnap a South Korean Film Director and Actress in order to have a film industry and the best the North Korean film industry could come up with was a cheep knock-off of Godzilla called Pulgasari (the only reason this movie was sent to international audiences was because some Japanese guy thought it would be funny).*  In their version he is a nice monster and only becomes evil because of Capitalism (Michael Moore has better stuff and he’s illiterate).  That’s what we are working with here.  That’s why we pay the bribe money, we don’t have kind of money or time it would take to fix them so it’s easier to just leave them to fester and take care of the ones lucky and smart enough to get away.

Granted the world might not have the money to pull North Korea out of the hole they dug but we could afford to drop over more than Twinkies and Ramen Noodles to get them to stop an attack.  But why bother, plus you have to start them off slow.  We are talking about a county where the national dish is Grass Soup and dog meat is considered something only the rich can afford.  Now people do eat a lot of dog meat in North Korea, but if your not connected trust me it’s not dog.  What they call dog meat is what we in the rest of the world call “Longpig”, it’s just easier to call it dog meat than try to explain to your family that you traded their dead Grandmother to the family down the street for their dead uncle (because no one wants to eat their own grandmother and no one in North Korea with believe that you somehow found fresh beef the day after grandma dies).  so dog it is (FYI dog is good and beef like).

So please do the world a favor North Korea and knock the shit off.  Your entire air force can be stopped by one Squadron of F-18’s, your army can be bought off with a couple bags of Doritos and  some instant ramen, your missiles only shoot one way (at the poor bastard that launched the thing) and your nuclear program is only a worry if you can figure out how to smuggle a weapon to a bunch of cave dwelling goat raping Islamakazis who would probably just blow themselves up since they would not be able to read the Korean instruction manual much less translate it into their own language something they also can’t read.

I almost feel bad about laughing at you.  Almost….


*  Yes it was a joke and no, the two kidnaped individuals had nothing to do with that film, I was making a point about how crappy the North Korean film industry is since the two individuals were at the time considered South Korea’s greatest director and actress.  For those who don’t know South Korean cinema is good, very good, but even their best couldn’t fix North Korea.  To put it another way, it’s as if you kidnaped Alfred Hitchcock and Audrey Hepburn, make them teach you everything they know and still can’t come up with anything better than a movie Carrot Top wouldn’t be a part of.  They can’t even get to Ed Wood level of bad (I don’t know what is worse Ed Wood or Carrot Top, at least Ed Wood can be unintentionally funny, were Carrot top is trying to be funny but is a hate crime).   North Korean Cinema is so bad Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn’t make it funny.  And I have seen the miracles they can perform.  Has anyone seen their version of Manos The Hands Of Fate?  That movie is so bad if you tried to watch that movie without the MST3K guys at the helm you would have sucked off a shotgun at the 15 minute mark just to make it stop.  It’s that bad, and North Korean cinema is still worse.

Silliness in the Hermit Kingdom Part II

A commentator on my last post about North Korea (I’d read it first) asked me what I though the consequences of North Korea’s collapse would be, well I have several theories for that but first a rehash of some of yesterdays post.

“In my opinion while he may be able to hold on to power for at least some time the economic conditions in North Korea and the slow influx of information from the outside world will eventually damage the current structure of North Korea to the point where it will eventually have to change to some extent.  The thee options of this change are, first violently in coup that will maintain power but cast off the Juche ideology since it is too closely tied in with the Kim’s but not necessarily Communism.  Second by a slow progression towards a China like economic and political form, or third a total collapse such as in the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, that has had different effects depending on the country. Granted we could have a mixture of the first two but however it turns out it’s going to get interesting.”

I’m not going to go into the possible policies of Kim Jong-un since it is too soon for that and some of what he might do could get covered here since we are talking about the possible collapse of North Korea and the aftermath.

In the event that military or party members take control in a coup as the country collapses they will either try to strengthen their hold on the country by a brutal crackdown that can only lead to more problems and possibly a total collapse of most of the country (I will speak on this separately  ) or they will attempt a policy  of gradual liberalization to some extent such as what you saw in China after the Cultural revolution.   This second option would slowly pull parts of the country out of the crisis  and slowly rebuild what little is left of the economy a start building in up higher than before, however unlike China North Korea is not a rich in natural resources other that agricultural land, since the Northern part of the Korean peninsula has most of the agricultural land and South Korea has most of the other natural resources (surprising for a country that is almost always starving).  If the new leaders can realign the agricultural sector away from most state control and allow private ownership of land they can slowly build up the agricultural base so they can begin to build their industrial base away from the defense industry and into the export market.

While the Chinese model is not the best however when going from a completely planned economy to a more free market economy a sudden shift can cause major problems such as in Russia where everything ended up being owned by the Party leaders or Mafia who had money and left the average person with nothing.  The slower approach will give the average person time to adjust to the demands of the world market and the 21st century while strong government over-site can attempt to keep it from going into a free-for-all.  In South Korea the government was basically a dictatorship for years while the economy however was slowly turned into free market capitalism and only after the standard of living was raised.  The thing is the Chinese model works more for short term growth while the South Korean model – similar to Hong Kong, Taiwan and Singapore known as the Asian Tiger economies – worked better for long term growth and a higher standard of living for the whole country rather than in China were it is mostly only been in the urban areas.  So I would say the best plan for the new North Korean leaders would be to use some government intervention in turning the agricultural sectors into free market farms while also supporting the beginning  of an industrial sector based of cheep exports such as textiles as a stepping stone to a much larger manufacturing sector.  This will stave off a total collapse long enough for a turn around in the economy so they wouldn’t have to rely  on handouts.  Another problem is with schooling, the government schools now are nothing more than political propaganda  outlets that teach almost nothing, the average person has been so indoctrinated by this point that a sudden opening of the country will only scare and confuse people, it would take years to undue all the damage the schools have done, so the government needs to start a program with the youngest children and start getting them real educations so they can eventually be able to take over when they are older. Along with that they will need to get people from other countries like South Korea who understand economics, business, science to help teach the older people as well as advise the new government on the best course of action economically so the new government doesn’t make the same mistakes all their predecessors have done and what they have been indoctrinated to do all their lives.   I would say this process would take at least 30 years to bring North Korea any where near the living standards of most industrialized and post industrial nations.  If they only go with the Chinese model they will only be where China was 25 years ago, while using parts of the Chinese model and a lot from the South Korean model they should be where South Korea was 20 years ago in 30 years by my estimate.  And Yes 20 years ago you might have looked at me funny if I said South Korea makes some of the best electronics and cars now you think nothing of the fact you have a phone and TV made by Samsung and drive a Hyundai, hell even the phone I bought in Japan is a Samsung.  So while it would not be perfect it would  be a very good start for future and continued economic growth.

In the event of a total collapse that cannot be overcome such as in the event that the new government refuses to change anything their are also several options.  The first option would be that the country could break apart into feuding   sections run by ex-military warlords such as what happened in Somalia.  You will basically have a North Korean Somalia where a warlord could have nukes but the warlords will also have a lot more advanced military hardware than the Somali warlords.  How long it will be functional without a functioning industrial base is anyones guess and the chances of them trying to sell it to other countries or groups would be very high because the warlords are looking for money in a country that has none.

Second; they could get propped up by another country like China who gives North Korea just enough money and food not to totally collapse just long enough for the North Koreans to try a new approach , however how long it takes and how generous other countries are is something to think about.

Third; reunification with South Korea.  This might be a way out however it has it’s own problems.  North Korea is so far behind South Korea in everything that is would take trillions of dollars to bringing their new citizens anywhere close to the level of South Korea would would have a country that took on another country as essentially an entire welfare state bankrupting South Korea.  This is what almost happened during the reunification of Germany, the eastern part almost destroyed the entire German economy because of how far they where behind and it took years to start getting up to the level of Western Germany, and it still isn’t there yet, since a much higher percentage of government spending is required in the eastern part of Germany than the Western part.  North Korea is worse than East Germany ever was the merger could destroy the whole country.  For reunification to actually work they both Countries would have to work together but not completely and allow the North to build their economy for about 40-50 years before they could hope to try it successfully or without much strain on the South Korean economy.  North Koreans simply do not that the skill or education to compete with the South Koreans and it would turn the North Koreans into an underclass similar to American Blacks* when on the day they where released from Slavery.  Although at least in the case of American blacks they had modern agricultural knowledge – for the time- in an agricultural economy, so for that I would say if it where not for racist laws they would have been a step ahead of the current North Koreans.  Even now with the current disparities American Blacks if they were their own country they would have the 7th largest GDP in the world and if it were not for social issues like an extremely high out of wedlock birthrate and a much higher drop-out rate, American blacks would be on par or much closer to the average in America but it took years to get here.  Mind you that just an example are we can argue the differences between the two situations such as the Slaves and their descendents grew up understanding the country they where in and the ideas of freedom and capitalist economics (something they don’t teach in schools now unless they are saying how bad it is) and aspired to get involved with it, the North Koreans don’t have any understanding of it and are at a disadvantage in that respect.   I digress this is about North Korea not the history of American blacks maybe another time and another fight.

Politics; the political system is also what we need to think about.  there are many different ways this could work.  If we are going off of the South Korean model, it would be a dictatorship until the populace has the means and necessary education to take power into a Representative government, although the structure could be any number of things.  There are different kinds of Democracies or Representative Democracies.  You could have like the European model were while people do vote the country is still run by almost a Socialistic Oligarchy were industry is highly regulated but not owned by the state and the people have very little say but they do have some power, a mix of Public and Private ownership or even a full Republic where the government doesn’t own anything, it could also end up like China, Where the Communist party controls the government and very little personal political or religious freedom but an advancing private economic sector.  Or it could be warlords.  I all really depends on the means and mode and level of change and collapse.  The best option to me would be a Constitutional republic were the government has limit and specifically defined powers and the people have the most freedom but that only works when people have the knowledge and motive to make it work.
I don’t know if this answered the question or just made more questions for my readers.  It’s always hard for someone to say what is going to happen tomorrow it’s impossible to predict everything the future holds sometimes you can’t predict anything, and while we have theories they are just that theories.   Also this is condensed and short and I left things out, simply because in order to really get into everything I would have to write a book and I don’t have time for it, plus I am already fiddling around pretending to finish (continue) two books already (that I might never finish or publish) as well as other posts such as one on Vietnam I started months ago got to about 6,000 words and sort of got distracted from it and have not finished.  It’s hard to keep things up sometimes when you don’t get paid to do it and you sometimes have a life to go to.    Maybe I’m lazy or maybe I lack a Muse.

* For people that care or are offended  by my not using the term African-American I just want you to know I hate the Hyphenated shit.  Unless you where born in Italy you are not “Italian-American”, hell once you get your citizenship you are not Italian you are American same with people from Cameroon or Thailand, and if you were born in America you are American the only proper way to say it that doesn’t completely piss me off is to say you are “American of Irish decent”, and that even sounds silly although it explains your love of The Pogues (but who doesn’t?) .  That’s the problem people have to segregate themselves by either class, race or ethnicity into pointless groups, then we wonder why everyone hates each other.

Silliness in the Hermit Kingdom and fun with North Korean succession

I  haven’t picked on my favorite diminutive despot in a while so I guess it’s time for more fun with North Korea.  Kim Jong-il North Korea’s totalitarian munchkin is rumored to have pancreatic cancer and has about five years to live. To that I say it couldn’t happen to a nicer person.  This is also part of the rumors that he has picked his youngest official son Kim Jong-un to be his successor, surprising many South Korean analysts who thought Kim Jong-chul, Kim’s middle son was the most likely pick, since his oldest son Kim Jong-nam is the moron that in a crime you would only expect from an 8 year old kid got busted trying to sneak into Japan to go to Disney Land pissed off daddy with that stunt and was sent back to the Chinese casinos he spends all his time in.  In an earlier post I had speculatted on the rumor that Kim Jong-il may have died and a fake had taken his place in order to keep the country from a violent power struggle common n Communist countries during a succession because of Kim Jong-il’s failure to start training a sucsessor some of which I will reprint here:

“Most Communist countries the leader usually took charge and upon his death successors usually fought it out in a power struggle to gain control or people in the higher positions in the party overthrew the leader and took charge.  Even in Cuba where Castro’s brother took charge was not quite the same since Raul took over at the request of his brother during an illness and then Fidel just let him keep it but never went through the long and intentional process of grooming him for the position openly such as what happened in what could be rightly called “The Bad Korea”.  Interestingly enough it seams that the Younger Kim has failed to do this for any of his children – or anyone else for that matter – as his father did for him.  The younger Kim is slacking but he might already be dead so it could be a little late to start now…

“Well first lets remember how Kim Jong-il came to power in the first place.  Kim Il-sung spent years raising up Jong-il to be his successor from altering history to helping his son form his own personality cult and mythology and putting him in positions of power were he could excel.  As I have mentioned earlier most communist countries the change of power is usually violent power struggle by spending years building up his son Kim Il-sung was able to make the transition of power smooth and simple.  Kim Jong-il however has failed to do this with any of his children or even people in the inner circles of the Party.  With the lack of the foresight displayed by his father Kim Jong-il has made the country open to the kind of violent power struggles that come from the death of the Party leader in a dictatorship.  Since Kim Jong-il almost godlike status in North Korea makes replacing him difficult without a long transition period if he were to suddenly die what would the other party leaders do to keep control without ending up killing each other? ”

Since the rumors that Kim Jong-il had died ended up not true or at least very unlikely to be true now with Kim’s obvious fading health, since the fake wouldn’t be dying, or if he is they picked the wrong fake, it looks like Kim Jong-il (or the party) has finally figured out that they need to start grooming a replacement.  The real question is does Kim Jong-il still have enough time for a proper turn over of power since his father had turned over all real power to him while he was still alive, as well as had spent years grooming him for the job, something that I don’t think Kim Jong-il will be able to do as well due to the time constraints of his illness and his lack of planning.  So since very little is know about Kim Jong-chul it is very hard to say how this will turn out for North Korea, granted I’m sure right now the North Koreans are trying to figure out the best way to start the propaganda for him, but unlike his father the propaganda is going to start after his selection as the next leader rather than before.  Kim Jong-il was already well known by the people through propaganda and the North Korean media long before he even looked like he would succeed his father, however Kim Jong-un is not very well know by the people much less the outside world so gaging how effective the next couple years worth of pro-Jong-un propaganda will be over the average North Korean much less the party leaders and military brass who Jong-un will need the support of in order to maintain any authority.  Jong-un is believed to be 25 or 26 so if the estimates on his fathers life are true he would take power when he was only 30 or 31, this could hurt him with the older party members who might not like taking orders from a “inexperienced kid”.  So what are the options, overthrow or use him as a puppet until he is old enough and then dispose of him or allow him to take full charge.  Basically if Jong-un isn’t able to consolidate power in a relatively short period of time he is opening himself up to overthrow by either disaffected military brass or party members.  In my opinion while he may be able to hold on to power for at least some time the economic conditions in North Korea and the slow influx of information from the outside world will eventually damage the current structure of North Korea to the point where it will eventually have to change to some extent.  The thee options of this change are, first violently in coup that will maintain power but cast off the Juche ideology since it is too closely tied in with the Kim’s but not necessarily Communism.  Second by a slow progression towards a China like economic and political form, or third a total collapse such as in the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, that has had different effects depending on the country. Granted we could have a mixture of the first two but however it turns out it’s going to get interesting.

The real question of the day becomes “who is Kim Jong-un and what will he do?” Although some people such as a man living under the alias of Kenji Fujimoto who claims to have been Kim Jong-il’s personal sushi chef sated that Jon-un was just like his father, there is very little known about Jong-un that can be verified.  But if he is “just like his father” then the kids a bastard, a pervert, a lunatic, an egotistical despot and a mass-murderer in training.

Kim Jong-il before

Kim Jong-il before

Obviously sick Kim Jong-il now

Obviously sick Kim Jong-il now

Only known picture of Kim Jong-un

Only known picture of Kim Jong-un

I’m back with the ranting and some other things.

Ah time for a rant and some random news updates and things I missed while I was away (in other words old news).

OK for those people that have not been paying attention (as in almost everyone), I have moved to Japan, and while I did say that if Obama got elected I would move out of the country I was joking, I believe I said so during that rant in fact.  I was already planning on doing this before the primaries even started, but it does sound funny.  So now I am in Japan, it’s nice here, I know I lived here before for several years, it’s like my second home, hence why I wanted to move back here.  I know people will miss me, or well I hope more people miss me in the states than the people who are happy that I left, but we all know the truth.  Yes I will still be yelling about American politics, but I will eventually start talking a little more about Asian politics and countries other than North Korea, my usual target when talking about Asia.  In many ways Japan is like America so the culture shock isn’t too great, more amusing if anything, unless your an asshole. It’s a nice place sometimes it’s odd though. take this for example. I have yet to convince the girl working at McDonald’s to put mustard on a chicken sandwich, really how hard is that, Burger King does it, and I hate Burger King, especially their creepy ass commercials and not just the fact I swear they give me food poisoning every time I eat there.  Really every other fast food chain here will do it, McDonald’s, no.  For some reason they will take things off of what you order but will never add things that don’t normally come on the sandwich.   So if you want a Big Mac, but you want Mustard or Ketchup on it instead of the “Secret Sauce” it’s not going to happen.  I don’t even like McDonald’s that much but it’s right next to work so sometimes I say fuck it and go there.  I wouldn’t even go if there was a good ramen place or a Mos Burger near work.  But no, there isn’t so no mustard on the chicken sandwich.  Seriously this country has an almost perverse addiction to mayonnaise, and I hate mayo.

Another fun thing about Japan people might want to know, well especially the American Otaku , is that Japanese girls are not “just like” girls in Anime.  The girls here will think you are nerds, just like American girls will.  In Japan being called an Otaku is not a good thing.  yeah I like some Anime too, but seriously don’t come out here thinking the girls are going to fall all over you just because of your vast knowledge of Japan (that only comes from video games and Anime).   You will be a joke, just like you are in America.  Do please knock the shit off. OK on to other things right now.

Michael Jackson, is dead, and all over the world people are really upset about this, I have no idea why.  Really the guy was a psychotic baby rapist for fucks sake!  He was a freak, so he had a couple high selling albums in the 80s, I thought his music was crap but some people like crap, how the hell do you think Madonna, Britney  Spears and Coldplay are popular.  People like crap music.  The guy was a a fucking baby rapist, not to mention all the other insane shit this guy did like hacking his own face up and turning himself into a white woman.  Fucking hell people the guy was such a big pedophile that he had to build himself an amusement park in his back yard just to lure in the young kids.  Yes I know he wasn’t convicted but when you pay off the family to drop charges it’s kinda easy to get away with it.  Knock the crap off, stop crying and cutting your fucking wrists over this freak.  Farrah Fawcett died the same day and people hardly noticed, and she was a good person, or at least she wasn’t a bloody baby rapist.  Michael Jackson has gotten more press than all the other things going on right now, important things, Like the demonstrations in Iran, North Korea’s nuke program and succession worries, how about all the bullshit Congress is doing?  No, it’s all about how wonderful Michael “baby rapist” Jackson is and how sad people are he’s dead.  Well guess what, I’m not sad, the fucker should have gotten the electric chair for what he has done to children not a bill to honor him in congress!

OK, enough of the crazy mutant baby rapist.

Obama, well anyone who reads this crap knows that I don’t like the guy, but he is funny though.  Like this picture:

obama looks at girls ass

Am I the only one who noticed that Obama is staring at that lady’s ass?  I’m not saying I wouldn’t but if you are married and the President you might not want to get yourself photographed doing it at an international summit.  Plus it’s like a photo of every skinny high school dweeb, he looks at her and knows he can never have her, unless he pays for it.

Back to Obama, he swatted a fly and PETA yells about it, come the fuck on PETA I already hate your crazy asses enough don’t piss me off more by forcing me to defend Obama!  It’s just rude.  Seriously flies  are not your friends, they are dirty pests that spread disease,  like politicians or hippies, and thank god that unlike the last two flies  are legal to kill.  Really PETA I know you have tons of flies  with you all the time, they are not your pets, they are just attracted to dirty smelling things, like you, the second you freaks wise up enough to shower they will go away. You do you not want them to go away?

Rachel Maddow, really who gave this moron a show, the first time I saw it I though the kid from The Wonder Years grew up went crazy and got himself a talk show.   Really if Danica McKellar could grow up got to school for mathematics and write an educational book on the subject why couldn’t Fred Savage grow up get a degree in Douchebaggery and get a job at MSNBC and Air America.  Then not only do I figure out it isn’t M.r Savage but it’s a girl, or it says it is, but it says a lot of stupid shit, just watch it’s show, anyway it was an odd day.  Rachel Maddow is like the smug “I think I’m so smart collage freshman”  to Keith Olbermann’s insane angry smug prick in MSNBC’s version of the odd couple.  To be fair though Rachel is less annoying, and unlike Keith comes off more silly than insane.

I need to apologize to Mr. Savage I didn’t mean to insult you by thinking that freak was you.

I used to love Hulu.com, I don’t anymore.  You Bastards, why did you knot warn me that I couldn’t watch your goodness from a Japanese IP address!!!  I was all excited why I got teh internets hooked up in my new (well new for me) house and what do you know.  Nothing just a warning that the site cannot be used from an IP address outside of the U.S.  Crap how the hell am I going to watch The Simpsons next season?  Ah now I have to wade through a ton of Japanese language web-sites to see if I can watch it someplace, I don’t want to do that.

Speaking of Japanese IP addresses, does Google really need to automatically force me to their Japanese site, if I wanted google.co.jp I wouldn’t have typed in google.com!  Fucking hell, yes I’m in Japan I know that, I also know the difference between the addresses for web-sites hosted in Japan and those hosted in America,  If I wanted the Japanese one I would go there, so knock the shit off already.

The 4th of July is not a holiday, Independence Day is a holiday, it happens to be on the 4th of July.  Stop saying happy 4th of July, IT’S INDEPENDENCE DAY!  How do you even what to know or think about all the people who gave their lives for Independence, and to maintain it?  Well it was a lot, so celebrate Independence Day not the 4th of July.

I’m now the proud owner of a 1990 Toyota Corolla hatchback, it’s like a little bubble of death, my death mind you, since I’m waiting for it to blowup the next time I start the thing, well it’s not an American car so the chance of it blowing up is slim, the biggest worries are the tiny ass roads or get creamed by the legion of insane drivers in this country, the people on motorcycles and scooters are the worst, I have no idea how they live longer then a week on one of those things the way they ride them.  But the car was free, from a friend who wanted something a little less stupid looking, thanks friend, now I look like a moron.  Thank god most girls in this country don’t expect people under 30 to have a nice car, or even a car for that matter, otherwise I would never get a date.  Yes I  got a car in a country where driving is mostly pointless, since mass transit in Japan is very nice and unlike the states It’s safe so I don’t have to bring a gun with me just to ride two stops without getting killed.  Yes it is almost unnecessary to own a car in Japan, especially if you live around the Tokyo/Yokohama area.  The only reasons to have one is driving to work, the grocery store, or on a weekend holiday, and most people take the train to work.  But Like I said the car was free and I don’t like riding the train to work since I am probably one of the few people in this area where driving to work takes less time than riding the train and walking.  Why am I saying this?  Because I can. Why do you care?  You don’t.

More on Japan, in Japan driver must stop at cross walks to yield to pedestrians.  It’s the law, so thankfully I moved into a house right next to the one crosswalk in Japan where this is not true.  I swear to god they speed up even, I thought I was going to have to dive into the road to save a 90 year old lady and her grandchild the other day.  I am starting to think the nice old lady who runs the convenience store across the street is taking bets on how long it is before I get creamed trying to run across the street for a bag of chips and a beer.  I can see it now, her laughing at me in a bloody mess while asking me if the bag of shrimp flavored rice puffs and the can of Kirin was really worth the risk of crossing the street.  For god sakes people there are two schools and a shrine on this block with kids everywhere, please people, at least slow the fuck down a bit around those turns.  Think of the children, and my shrimp flavored rice puffs and can of Kirin!

I would like to thank my landlord for giving me the incorrect information on trash days in my area.  Really thanks, the fact that you have to sort trash into 20 different bags and everything goes out on some random day isn’t bad enough you have to tell me the wrong days.  So I drop off my properly sorted trash on what you told me was the correct day for this kind of trash only to come home from work and it’s still sitting there on the sidewalk only now it’s got these nice little angry yellow notes pasted on it from the trash men.  Thanks now I look like a schmuck because every old lady in the neighborhood watched me put it out before work, and then they get to watch me pick it back up after work and walk the 20 yards back to my house from the collection site.  Thankfully the lady at the local grocers next door was nice enough to explain the correct days to me otherwise Monday I would be doing it all over again.  Thank you, now my neighbors think I’m an asshole, well I am, but not that kind of asshole.

Speaking of my landlord, while I love the house could you have at least cleaned it up a bit before I moved in?  Really I think I found dust in here from the Meiji era. Apparently when my realtor told me the house was old and she had newer ones to show me, and I told her it didn’t bother me I just want a house with a deck or some small plot of a yard (something not easy to get in this area) I should have took more of a warning from the odd look she gave me about his particular home.  OK it’s not a bad house it just needs cleaning.  I need a maid, not all the time I’m too cheep for that, I just need someone to help me get started.  If not a maid a bitchy  girlfriend, they can help you get a lot done before you change your name and move to a different country to get away from them or dump them in Tokyo bay.

Sarah Palin resign, OK you you all happy now?  really she was treated like the anti-Christ.  People still had to keep trying to destroy her and her family even after she lost the election. Really what was it that made her such a bad person that people had to attack her like they did?  I know I go after politicians all the time but that was for real things this was a witch hunt.  Obama hangs out with racists and domestic terrorists and the media doesn’t care, Palin has a funny accent and is governor of a state most people will never go to and all hell breaks loose.   Well anyway I don’t know if it was a good move or a bad move for her, it’s to early to tell, hopefully it will give her and her family some time away from all the insane freaks out there that are out for her and her families blood.

Anyway when it all comes down to it drink more beer and try not to go fuck yourselves too hard, unless you are Congress then I would really like it if you killed yourself.  Next time I think I will go after Iran and North Korea more….

I’m done for now.  Merry Christmas…

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