Since it’s New Years Eve I figured I would do the normal thing I guess and put out a couple little resolutions or promises for 2009 or something like that.
1. Try not to die. Really why not, it sounds like a good one. Plus if I screw this one up it’s not like I’m going to have to try it all over again next year.
2. I promise to spend as much time as I can making fun of or yelling at Obama. Why you ask? Because I don’t much like him and the egotistical little prick needs it.
3. As every year I will not have sex with a lamp. In reality I use this one every year and have never fucked it up yet. Sometimes it’s the small victories that make life worth living.
4. More ranting drunks… umm… Drunken Rants… Or, well, maybe I’ll just pretend to update and post more on this thingy. I know most people out there would rather I not do this but if it makes you unhappy I am more than pleased to do so.
5. Move to another country. No it isn’t because of Obammers I was going to do this anyway. Granted Obammers doesn’t much make me want to stay here, but I’m not one of the idiots that claim they will move out of the country if their candidate doesn’t win, then doesn’t do it.
6. I will stop sending my friends mail order brides as a joke.
7. When at all possible I will try to punch every person with a Che Guevara T-shirt. In the event that the person wearing the shirt is a child I will punch the shit out of the kids parents. If it is a woman and since I don’t hit woman I will rename said woman Carl, Andrew or Peter and proceed punch the shit out of the guy.
8. I will attempt to get the age restrictions for the presidency removed so I can run for President in 2012. Mostly likely my 2012 New Years resolution will be to try to to get assassinated.
9. I will spend more time throwing road kill at vegans.
10. I will start attending church regularly… I will go to church sometimes… I will go to church at least once… I will drive past a church at some point.
11. I will make several girls very lucky by not asking them out for a date.
12. I will Spend more time watching Korean gangster films.
13. I will do everything possible to become the dictator of a small Asian country if I cannot do anything with number 8. I’m looking at you Burma better watch yourself…
14. I will stop and smell the flowers, but only once. Then I will pave over the garden.
“An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves”. – Bill Vaughan
“The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year’s Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you’re married to”. – P. J. O’Rourke
NOTE: If you think number 6 is fucked up you are correct, however it’s not as fucked up as the fact that two of my friends kept theirs.