Horrible Advice From Your Uncle Drunken Llama

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to live your life, however it is much more entertaining.

Always have several fake names and extra cell phones that way you never have to give out the real ones.  Just make sure you don’t mix them up.

Never tell anyone you love them if they know your real name or where you live.

Never marry anyone who would have sex with you on the first date.  However you should try to get a couple more dates just for the fun of it.

Remember the proper etiquette in a strip club is whoever correctly guesses what drug the stripper is on gets the lap dance.

Speaking of strip clubs if you are in a private room for a lap dance and the stripper tells you that for an extra $300 you can put it anywhere, you can, but you shouldn’t.

Any woman that you just met at a bar that offers to buy you tequila shots will probably have sex with you that night.

When drinking with a woman always drink twice as much as she does that way you can always say later that she took advantage of you. *

If you shake more than twice you’re playing with it and if you don’t a bit will dribble down your leg.  It’s your call.

No matter how cracked and dry your skin is – even if it’s so obvious you can see it from space – and you are a man the lady behind the counter still thinks you are buying lotion to masturbate with.  The only way to counter this is to buy tampons and some milk that way they think you were sent on an errand by your wife or girlfriend.

Always treat people with dignity and respect, unless they don’t deserve it, then don’t, unless they pay you and you need to keep that job.

If you’re over the age of 18 and don’t own at least one good suit you are failing at life.  If you are over 30 and only own one good suit you are still failing.

Always remember to do your research before telling people you are a fighter pilot to impress people.  The Navy doesn’t use F-14′s anymore, has never used F-15′s and a B-52 isn’t a fighter so get your facts strait or you will look like an ass.  No matter how dense most of the people at the party are someone will know and they will call you on it as they should.

No matter how big you think you are she’s had better so stop worrying about it and just be happy some chick likes you.

Speaking of size; a very large cock is only impressive in porno.  In the real word it is usually uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.  Yeah, size matters but it’s more of a ratio between the smallest that works and the largest that works.

Getting 4 girls numbers at the same bar in one night always sounds cool and you can brag about it with your friends.  The problem is you were at a bar all night and trying to remember who was who and what you talked about is next to impossible unless you were dead sober and have a very good memory.  Therefor calling any of them can be risky.  Basically getting more than one number is pointless since there is a very small chance you will call any one them and if you do there is a large chance you will fuck it up.  But have fun and go for it.

Your ability to make a bong out of anything does not impress anyone worth impressing.  Also your ability to take large amounts of any drug without getting that fucked up also does not impress anyone worth impressing.**

Hypocrisy isn’t saying one thing and doing another, that’s screwing up.  Hypocrisy is saying people shouldn’t do something but saying  ”it’s OK when I do it”.

If you are visiting foreign countries and feel the need to lie about what country you are from you either shouldn’t be in that country or you are a little pussy bitch and your homeland would be better off if you didn’t come back.***

It’s rude to ask someone why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend and never try to set them up with anyone you know.  If they aren’t good enough to even date one of you least favorite acquaintances just don’t bring up the subject.  The question is fine if you are only tying to find out what they like and dislike so you can help otherwise you’re just asking someone to bare their soul so you can judge, quietly.  Oh so quietly…

Just because Ideology can be dangerous doesn’t mean it will.  Just remember you need to continue to question and prove to yourself that it’s correct.  It’s not as easy as it sounds but if you aren’t even trying you have a very big problem.

Never fish for compliments; it’s tacky and shows a lack of class.

If you’re not proud of yourself it’s your fault.  but if you’re proud of yourself you better be able to prove why you should be.  Prove, not justify.  People can justify anything with the right amount of bullshit.

On that note.   You should never have to justify your actions they should be able to speak for themselves.

Intentions mean nothing if you make it worse.

Air travel always sucks so never pay too much for it and never get on an air line that wont let you walk onto the plane with an open beer in your hand.  Seriously you are always going to be late, it will always be cramped and they are going to lose your luggage but as long as it isn’t a Chinese air line or Delta and the flight attendants don’t give a crap that you walked onto the plane with your own six pack it will be the best you are going to get out of air travel.

Really fuck Delta.

When you wake up and don’t know where you are always make sure you still have your wallet and your gun.  If you don’t have either you fucked up since you should always keep both hidden in  place people won’t check when they try to rob your passed out ass.

If  your collage major has “Studies” at the end of it, it’s worthless.  People don’t major in Physics Studies, Electrical Engineering Studies, History Studies or Medicine Studies.  Hell they don’t even major in Philosophy Studies and a major in Philosophy is pretty much useless.  All a major in a “Studies” does if tell the rest of the world not only do you have no marketable skills any employer would ever need but you are stupid enough to spend a shit-load of money acquiering those lack of marketable skills.  You can train a moron that is willing to work hard to do a lot of things but you can’t train an idiot with a sense of entitlement and  bullshit college degree to do anything.

Love is like a fine wine.  It’s expensive, it must be aged carefully and sipped slowly.  It will also never last.

I’m joking unlike love a good wine exists and it’s much easier to get your hands on another decent bottle.

Fair fights only exist in boxing and movies.

 

*  This will probably not hold up in court since double standards are fun.

** Yes this is from a llama that spends his free time chugging scotch and lighting hippies on fire.  Fuck off.

*** Exceptions can be made for people that have to travel for work or charity reasons and need to keep a low profile.

Tuesday Nights With Beer: A Drunken Rant For The Rantless

I haven’t written much lately and well…  Yeah I think I already started two rants like this so lets move on.

I got a new computer in case you care.  You don’t but we will talk about it anyway.  It’s a laptop and for some reason if I don’t have the thing plugged in the screen is at least 35% darker than it is if it is plugged in.  I don’t think I care but it’s odd.  But on the new computer thing I got a laptop but I didn’t get rid of my old desktop since it still works and no matter how many times my friends say I should get rid of it I just can’t.  It’s awesome.  well it’s not that great but it’s old and getting slow but I blame that on it not being made for Japanese power outlets since they run off less juice and the fact that it’s held together with duct tape and clay.  That and I built it out of mostly spare parts.  And clay…

I’m still living in japan and we still don’t have mutants or a million dead from radiation so I still think I’m right about the media not knowing what the fuck they are talking about.

So a lot of rioting in the UK is going on.  Or was.  I did find quite a few things funny about it since people were saying it was working class kids angry at the system for getting them or some bullshit but as Mark Steyn mentioned can you really call them working class if none of them have ever worked or their parents?  To paraphrase anyway.  The other thing was these were not all poor kids living off the dole, there were a lot of people from monied families taking part in it.  I know i talk shit about the UK all the time but seriously what is wrong with the place?  England has the most expansive welfare state in Europe (according to Europeans) and still these kids are angry?  What more do you fuckers want since it’s not jobs according to many of the british commentators it’s very hard to fill a job with English kids since they don’t even bother to apply for jobs and most places would rather higher eastern Europeans since they will actually show up and work. Do yourself a favor England give people back their guns, let them protect themselves, and force these kids off the dole and to get jobs and actually work.  And for the brats with money that pull the same shit fuck them up and teach them a lesson about being civilized human beings.  And stop being a bunch of wankers.  I don’t hate the UK or England you gave the world so much, like good beer, The Damned and the Gin n’ Tonic but you really got to pull your shit together.

Speaking of England apparently there is a group in England that want’s to create Islamic hamlets in certain parts of England that would essentially be independent states run off of Sharia law.  Really guys you don’t want to stop this?  You have Imams there living off of the dole (you know where you pay them not to work) and they are saying the want to secede from England and have their own state on your territory and you don’t do anything about this?  Cancel their government paychecks at least guys, your basically paying people to sit around and scream about revolting and you do nothing?

So in the news today I read a story about how climate change was causing higher rates of mental illness.  All I could think while reading it was maybe mental illness was causing higher rates of people yelling about climate change.   Seriously it used to be global cooling and that didn’t pan out so it was global warming.  Now it’s climate change so we can all claim anything and everything is…  Fuck you hippies.

Why does canned asparagus taste like crap but frozen if good while canned green beans taste good but frozen taste like crap?  Why does Smithwick’s beer always taste like rust out of a bottle but good out of a keg?  Why do poor people in America have cell phones, the internet, cars, and flat screen TV’s while poor people in other places have dysentery and mud houses.  These are the things we need to know.

If you don’t understand why you should hate Rachel Carson watch someone die of malaria.  I have.

In music news Gibson Guitars got raided by the Feds for using wood illegally purchased from India based off of an Indian export law on wood.  Now mind you many other US guitar companies use the same wood but Gibson gets raided but not them.  Martin uses the same wood but gives money to Democrats and Obama, Gibson gives money to Republicans and doesn’t use union labor.  Now this is the second time Obama’s DOJ has raided Gibson and the first time they never filed charges (because there was no crime) but after two years haven’t returned the confiscated wood and now they do it again.  Look the Indian government certified the wood for export, US customs certified the word for entry into the US and now the DOJ is raiding Gibson?  For what?  Breaking and Indian law the Indian government said wasn’t broken?  Now I don’t know if this was politically motivated but even if it isn’t what the fuck is going on in DC?

Arabic Numerals are from India.  The reason the are called that is because it was introduced to Europe from the Middle East.

I like Jelly beans but the people who make them need to do better.  You get a bag with 100 different flavors and while many are good you have a bunch that suck.  I hate coconut and vanilla so stop putting them in there and I have no idea why anyone thought the popcorn ones tasted like anything but shit.  Can’t I just get a bag of the awesome ones like peach and root beer? It’s like Jolly Ranchers you buy a bag and you only eat half since you hate the other half.  And who the hell likes banana flavored anything?  I like – or at least don’t mind – a banana but for some reason anything that is banana flavored tastes like what happens after you ferment a banana in a hookers asshole filled with toxic waste and used embalming fluid.  Well at least it isn’t coconut.

Back onto my new computer.  It’s great I mostly use it for looking up shit when playing video games so depending on your view it may not have been worth it.  But fuck you I contributed to the economy something way to many people don’t even pretend to do.  Still you don’t care and probably shouldn’t…

I realized the other day I only use my vacation days when I want to go to a concert in the middle of the week and don’t want to go into work the next day.  Considering I have a ton of the things saved up I really need to take a real vacation.  The problem with vacations (or even weekends) is that I am never more angry at work than after a day off.  I really need a new job but they pay me to live in Japan (although that’s probably not why I get the paycheck) so I can’t complain that much.  No, no I can, fuck these guys.

Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy pleasure and that’s good enough.

So apparently in several cities they have been having racial charged flash mobs.  Now the police and politicians aren’t calling it that and a lot of places are kind of pretending the racial aspect of it doesn’t exist but it does.  This is wrong tell the truth about things no matter how ugly.

Just so you know in the event of a race riot I will shoot anyone involved no matter what their skin color is so leave me out of your idiocy and in the event of a race war I completely condone the use of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons against all parties involved.    Seriously I’m not going to fuck around with you morons.

.

I hate it here…

A Drunken Rant From My Nuclear Wasteland: Cooking Tips, Pointless Rants, Your Mom, Cheap Obama Jokes And Other Reasons To Rage Against The Dying Of Existentialist Training In Primary School.

I would like to say something about video games and the people who make them.  If you are making a video game and you have a boss fight followed directly by another boss fight with no time in between the two you are a cheap asshole.    People work your way up to the fight give it your all and instead of having the downtime to replace your items, health, ect you go directly into another large fight that you had no idea you would unless you used a cheat guide.    I shouldn’t have to use a cheat guide or a walkthrough in order to play a fucking video game.  Not only that but if you die fighting the second boss guess what you have to fight them both over even if you kicked the first one’s ass.  Fuck you guys, seriously fuck you.

Cheap ass motherfuckers…

OK I have used walkthroughs for games before but that is when I was really stuck on something and wanted a little extra help.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to use them but it is very annoying to make a game you need the thing to play.

I like Tetris…

I don’t know if my heart isn’t in it any more or I found shit to do but I really don’t post on here much anymore do I?  Maybe it is the fact there are only so many Obama Teleprompter jokes you can make before you just don’t care anymore.   You all liked me more when I didn’t have a life didn’t you?   Either that or you are happy I have mostly shut up.   The sad thing is that this post took over a month to write.  It’s not that it took me a month to type this it’s that I would write a little, stop, write some more, stop still not post it because it wasn’t long enough or whatever and stop.  It’s not that bad considering I wrote about 10,000 words for another post in 2008 and keep forgetting to finish it.  Maybe I should go…

Oooo, nachos..

I bought a duck the other day (frozen, not as a pet).  I hadn’t roasted one in a while so I thought it sounded like a good thing to spend a Saturday doing (apart from playing video games and drinking beer, oh lord do I need to get a girlfriend).  On the package was anthropomorphic family of ducks that looked all happy holding hands.  I know that someone thought this was cute and a good way to catch people’s attention so they would think “Oh, look a happy family and since I want my family to be happy I will get this frozen duck for them and my family will all be happy together”.  All I could think was “I’m about to eat one or your children.  I’m not sure why you are smiling I can only assume it’s that you don’t understand someone killed your son and I’m going to shove garlic, onion and some of my famous spiced  butter  where his heart used to be roast the fuck out of him and eat him”.  It’s not like milk.  You have a smiling cow in sunglasses that says “Look at me I’m an awesome cow, and I make awesome milk, here have some and we can party on the milk train”.  This is more like “I can’t feed my family so I will sell you one of my children to make it through the winter.  Please smile mister so the rest of the kids don’t think something is wrong” kind of thing.    Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to become a vegan.  I’m not a big enough of a stupid pretentious asshat for that shit (if you know anything about evolution it was eating meat that helped our brain develop enough to get us out of the flinging our shit at everyone and drinking our own piss stage of development), I just find the whole happy duck family thing on my food funny since I’m about to eat the fuck out of you and I’m not sure why you are smiling.  Maybe it’s just that this is Japan and if it doesn’t have a cartoon on it and it isn’t beer or condoms you don’t buy it.  Is it an Emo duck?  “Woohoo I’m about to die, thank you Mr. I just couldn’t go through with it on my own you helped so much!!!”  Well I know it’s not a Goth duck, they would have been wearing black and have at least fought back unless I told them I was a vampire first…

For people that want to know my famous* spiced butter is really just a strange concoction I use for baking poultry that involves butter, an assortment of random spices (aka at least a pinch of everything on the spice rack but mostly basil and pepper), worcestershire sauce, teriyaki sauce, garlic, beer and sometimes a bit of water.  I also might add hoisin or duck sauce (if it is duck, but not if it is chicken or turkey).  It’s better with the duck sauce (if you use that you use more duck sauce and less butter) but it’s good either way.  You heat this concoction enough to melt the butter and then slather it on everything and inside everything (aka the poultry).  It does not even in the least look or sound like it is edible but oh lord is it good.

I actually cook almost everything with booze.  I use sake instead of the rice wine they make for cooking (I never use cooking wine, too much salt and while I don’t have a problem with salt I’m going to get that someplace else).  A good pasta sauce is always made with a good red wine (usually Chianti or Merlot).  Chili, burritos, shepherd’s pie, beef stew, hamburgers, beer.  My food might drink more than I do.

Well we are on cooking so let’s go with it.  I learned how to cook when I was very young to the point that by the time I was 8 I would make entire meals for the family.  I have always been pretty good at it and enjoy it.  I don’t think I could every do it as a job though.  There are a lot of reasons for that.  When I was younger I made it a point to make the presentation a part of the meal (as you would expect from a chef) but as I got older I cared a lot less about presentation and a lot more for how it tastes.  I can still try to make it look nice but I live alone and unless I have a girlfriend over (and since I don’t have one at the moment) I really don’t care how it looks.  This has led me to invent some very, very tasty dishes that look absolutely horrendous.  One dish is fried potatoes, onions and pork chops cooked in balsamic vinegar and mint (with some other spices in various amounts).  Everything comes out black, it’s good, excellent even but it’s a bit disconcerting.  Another is a recipe for lamb that turns the lamb green because I basically cook it in a concoction that the best way to describe is a mix between mint tea and mint pesto.  A marinade for steak I have turns the entire steak a grayish brown (not matter how rare it is).  You take 2 Guinness, a little garlic, some pepper, a little basil (I put basil in almost everything), a lot of scallions and about a 4^th of a cup of sugar (the scallions and sugar are important otherwise it will be bitter) and you marinate the steak in it at least overnight (sometimes 2), pull it out throw it on a grill cooking it to your taste (I like rare or sometimes medium rare), and you eat.  It is good but the color of the meat always looks a little off.  Now people might be thinking “yeah so you like it but you are cooking it for your own tastes, does anyone else like any of this?”  Yes, yes they do.  Even my friend who is a professional chef likes it (although being the asshole he is he will always makes comments about what he would of done, but it is more of a trade thing rather than a complaint about the taste).

Another thing about my cooking is I don’t think any of it is very low in calories.  Thank Vishnu I have a high metabolism or I would be 400 pounds.  To give you an example I have a recipe for hot wings where the sauce is mostly butter and Louisiana Hot Sauce.

Maybe I just like my food weird.  The trick to good BBQ pork ribs is to rub the meat with a little garam masala (or at least a little cinnamon) mixed with a few other more normal things like pepper, onion and garlic salt and a bit of chili powder before you throw it on the grill.  That and while you put the BBQ sauce on in the end you want to char the outside a little.  It sounds wrong but trust me.  A little bit of a crunch on the outside and a lot of juicy rib on the inside and you are golden.   Sometimes I think I get invited to cookouts just because they want me to cook.

Still half of my food looks inedible and my recipes don’t really have any standardized measurements.  It’s more of keep adding things until it tastes right.

I really hate it at work when people expect me to deal with their constant fuck ups.  Lucky for me people have started to realize I am going to hold them to at least the minimum standard they are supposed to be at so they don’t ask me to hook them up or fix their shit anymore.  The problem is that rather than get their shit together they find someone else to try to get me to hook them up for them.  Now I have to explain to the other department managers that “no we do not hook them up, they are incompetent buffoons stop listening to them or being nice to their stupid asses or they will never learn”.    Fuck at least if you tried to talk to my boss and get him to force me to do it, it would be less annoying.  I know why you don’t do this.  Because there is a 505 chance my boss will either give you the same answer I did or tell you to fuck off.  Then there is a 49.9% chance my boss would ask me to do it if I can but not try to demand it and let me tell him I won’t do it (unless I feel nice that day and try to help him out of the bullshit because I have time [5% chance]) , and a .01% chance they will force me to do it no matter what I say (these numbers and percentages hold up even with the one boss that hates my guts).

Speaking of work if I tell you something is not possible.  Such as something needs to get done in the next ten minutes (because you waited till the last minute to turn something in) and the systems required to do it are down (server screw-up, secluded maintenance, act of Vishnu, ect), why do you feel the need to get angry at me for it?  Do you think yelling at me and irritating the ever living fuck out of me is going to make things faster, make the systems (I don’t run only use) get up do a little happy dance and start working?  Do you think I’m going to push everyone else’s shit aside to fix your fuck up, especially considering you want to be rude about it?  I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve never hooked someone up or helped them out.  But those people came to me apologized for the late requests and were humble and nice about it and were understanding about technical difficulties when there were.  They offer to get me lunch, a sixer, something (I never accept this offer but it’s nice to know it’s there).   You on the other hand want to be a dick and act like it is my fault.  Fuck you.

Fuck work.  I spend all day there I don’t need to bitch about it on here.  Well that much anyway…

The world needs more bike lanes. Every street should have them.  Now this isn’t some hippie “save the world, we need more people riding bikes” type crap.  No, it’s because they piss me off.  They need to keep bikes off the road and out of traffic and away from my car.  They also need to keep the things off of sidewalks, people are walking there and since we can’t ban their use altogether to keep the fucking things away from normal people I think we should only allow their use is specially designated areas (preferably in the ocean or an active volcano).  Since you don’t walk in the street and you don’t drive on the sidewalk well you should either have to use a bike lane or go fuck yourself.

Nothing good can ever come from large amounts of alcohol and your ex.

Of all the stupid things that get made into TV shows or movies why has the webcomic Something Positive never been done?  Oh, right people don’t actually like sarcasm as much as I do…

Fuckers…

And now a funny video.

“Couldn’t we give them nothing instead and have them hate us for free?”  Oh if only…

Thanks Dr. Bulldog and Ronin

Why does most spam go to the “about” section of this blog?  Really they have some of the best comments that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Such as:

“I have to voice my affection for your kind-heartedness for men and women who require assistance with this one situation. Your special dedication to getting the solution up and down had become exceptionally beneficial and has in every case made regular people much like me to achieve their aims. Your amazing helpful guidelines entails this much to me and even more to my office workers. Thanks a lot; from everyone of us.”

Does that make any sense?

I just watched Inception.  A lot of people have questions about it but the only real question I have is did Mr. Saito get out?  Also am I the only person that gives a shit?  I might need a life…

Best Super Bowl Commercial:

Speaking of Doritos there was an ad that has the Salsa Verde Doritos.  Are they back?  If they are that is fucking awesome I loved those but then I guess they stopped making them or only selling them in select markets and they were gone.   Woohoo!  Oh, right I live in Japan and they don’t have them out here…  Foiled again, foiled again…  But at least I can get seaweed flavored potato chips…  Seriously do not eat seaweed flavored potato chips.  You will though, you won’t try to but you will see a bag of chips at the store and it will look like sour cream and onion chips (but they’re not) and you aren’t really paying attention because it’s 2am and you are a little drunk and just grabbing shit off the shelves. All you wanted was some sour cream and onion chips (and a hot dog, Pocari Sweat, a tuna sandwich, 5 cans of Yebisu, shrimp flavored chips, chicken on a stick, and well anything your drunken mind decides is food…) and oh god nooooooooooo!

Yeah speaking of the Super Bowl I really want to be angry but it was a good game and the Steelers fucked up.  Lord is it hard to find a place in Japan to watch the thing live.  You can watch it like 7 hours later on some stations but lord is it hard to watch it live.  OK the Steelers lost  but it’s OK they still have more rings.  Although if they did get a seventh I could make a Lord of the Rings joke.  Granted I would have to hope there is enough crossover between Nerds and football fans that anyone would get it but I would still do it anyway.  Of course I could still make a joke since the Packers can now say they’re the Elf Kings but I wanted the Dwarf Lords joke, and I should just stop right now…

In news you may already know they cancelled “Caprica”.  Fuck you guys, seriously fuck you.  Yeah I’m late but I watch things after I can get it or rent it on DVD or Blue-Ray.  If was a good show but the ending was rushed.   Mostly because you fucks cancelled it!

I have recently found out that Bruce Lee was part German.  Apparently his mom was half German.  Is this important?  Not really, but interesting.

Speaking of Bruce Lee I like this quote from him:

“Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it”

The greatest thing Metallica ever did was throw Dave Mustaine out of the band.  If they hadn’t we wouldn’t have Megadeth.  It was also the dumbest thing they ever did because really Metallica sucks and hasn’t even pretended to write a good album in 20 years.   Megadeth on the other hand is still one of the greatest bands ever.

So the other day someone broke into a house and then when the owner returned while they were there they get scared and lock themselves in the bathroom and call the police.  Seriously the guy way afraid the owner of the house had a gun and might hurt them so they called the police for help.  The fucked up thing is that the homeowner called the police at the same time so you had one 911 operator talking to the perp and one talking to the victim.  The criminal didn’t even know if the homeowner had a gun he was just afraid they might.  So afraid he called the police (the people going to take him to jail) to save him.   If that isn’t a case for gun ownership I don’t know what is.  I also wish I had been that 911 operator that took the call.  I would have seriously told the guy I hope the homeowner does have a gun and blows his fucking head off right before I hung up.

And now time for something completely different:

The Middle East is burning, I’m trying to care.  Really I hope something good comes out of all the revolutions and protests but it’s been so, so very long that anything good came out of the Middle East that I’m really just not that hopeful over the whole thing.

Radiation levels in Tokyo have recently risen to the level of “Still Not Anywhere Close To What You Got From That X-ray At The Dentist Last Week” (that is the official scientific term for the current levels).  Please continue to freak the fuck out.  I’ll say it like this.  If you spend the entire day outside you will be exposed to the same amount of radiation you get in a 6 hour flight.  You don’t spend 24 hours a day outside and you don’t hear about airline pilots mutating into monsters or dying or radiation poisoning every 5 seconds so please continue to freak the fuck out.

Click to enlarge.

Thank you xkcd

Seriously, nothing good can ever come from large amounts of alcohol and your ex.

I hate it here…

* The use of the word “famous” may or may not be an outright lie.

My Drunken Tour Of Japan: I pretend I am A Tour Guide People Would Listen Too…

I started this post months ago as a summer travel guide to Japan.  My drunken, very, very drunken travel guide to Japan, but now it’s just going to be…  Well a drunken travel guide/living in Japan post and it still works so bite me.  You know you want to come here at some point in your life and I will help you with that (not the airfare moron, unless you are a very cute Korean girl that likes psychobilly).  You want to come here.  If you are a man it’s to nail Japanese girls, if you are a girl it’s to nail Japanese girls (or Japanese guys, please do, they don’t get enough foreign girls) and if you are from the Otaku segment of the foreign population – well the ones not in Japan – you dream of going to Japan, Tokyo in particular to nail Japanese girls because you think they look like any number of random girls from all the Anime you watch (they don’t, and you will not have 10 girls fighting over you no matter how shy and nerdy you are).  In light of this I thought I would offer my services to be your most humble (and drunken) tour guide through the Kanto Plain  (the place Tokyo and it’s surrounding cities are in for those of you who can’t be bothered to look at an atlas, or Google the shit, you’re already on the internets you lazy fucks).   I am also not going to go into the different clubs or bars because I think I’m going to save that for another post.

 

Also before people bitch I am going to be using the name of the train station for some places, sometimes the Ward (it’s a section of a city) or area has a different name but I’m using the names of the train stations closest to what I’m talking about (sometimes they are the same) as a reference and it’s less confusing this way.   Trust me on this, if I told you to go to Hatagaya in Shibuya you would get on the train and go to Shibuya even though you really wanted to go to Shinjuku to get the train to Hatagaya in Shibuya since that is the easiest way to get there if you are not taking a cab.  So I’m just going to say Hatagaya and not Shibuya.  But I’m not even going to talk about Hatagaya here because other than Club Heavy Sick (a good place for horror punk and psychobilly shows) I have no idea what else is in the area.  My point is always navigate using the name of the nearest train station and you are much less likely to get lost in a place it’s very easy to get lost in (I’ve gotten lost in train stations, they can be that big) and addresses look like a math problem.  I am not kidding about this; my own home address has no street names in it but a lot of numbers, it’s so bad I feel like I’m going to get graded on finding my way home.  “Congratulations you just got a B+ in Finding Your Own House 101, but sorry but you failed Mailing A Letter To your Girlfriend 204”.  I have given addresses to cab drivers in Tokyo before and they gave me a blank look and said they couldn’t help me and the cabs have GPS.  My water bill only comes once every two months and I think that is because the postman can’t find my house.  It’s bad.  Lucky for me I can pay my utility bills at a convenience store so I don’t have to try and play the Hope To God My Electricity Doesn’t Get Shut Off Game every month trying to mail them a check.

 

First lets go over Tokyo and it’s many little cities within a city.  Tokyo is large and it’s full of people, like really, really full of people and we all ride giant robotic battle suits to work every day.  I’m joking, only 17 year old kids with unnaturally colored hair get the battle mechs the rest of us ride trains if we aren’t stupid enough to try to drive and can’t afford Godzilla’s outrageous taxi fees.  I’m not going to get into the train system or driving in Japan since I have already done it (go here, and here) so let’s get on with some of the wonderful neighborhoods to hang out in Tokyo.

 

Shibuya:

 

Shibuya is famous for having the busiest crosswalk in the world.  I know you have seen pictures of it.  We have all seen the videos on the Discovery Channel of the giant bears swatting people out of the crosswalk while millions of people try to get up street in the hope of doing some shopping or getting laid.  Always remember to walk in the center so the bears don’t get you.  The main points-of-interest in Shibuya is the large amounts of high end shops, bars, clubs and of course what we affectionately refer to as “The Hill”.  The Hill has most of the night clubs, most of what border on a Rave if they aren’t actually throwing one (all the people my friend – who actually likes techno – tells me are big name DJs play there often).  The prices to get into the clubs range for a little much to holy shit but depending on the night and the DJ that’s playing it might be a good time, plus while the door prices can be a bit much drink prices are always 500 Yen (that is good in Japan) and the clubs are open all night so you can spend a lot longer in them getting turned down by women (unless you are me, I never get turned down and always leave with a couple fake numbers).  Jokes aside this is one of the better places in Tokyo to pick up girls at clubs, there are places that it’s easier but the quality is a lot worse.  There are also several concert halls and every other building is a love motel (if you have never heard of a love motel take a second and you can figure out what they are for) and a smattering of massage parlors you don’t go into for a massage if you get my drift.

 

Akihabara:

 

Akihabara is what nerds all over the world face when they pray 42 times a day.  Or is it 5?  I can never get these religions right.  It’s filled with Otaku, vending machines that sell udon in a can (because the broth for regular udon just isn’t gross enough apparently we have to have to can it and sell it in a vending machine), electronics shops, shops that cater to every creepy whim of the Otaku, Maid Cafes, porn stores and other degeneracy dedicated to those unlikely to reproduce very often (if ever).  Maid cafes are great, or great in the humor value of it, not great as in a place you want to touch anything.  Maid Cafes are a place you can go to eat like any other cafe only these sometimes have cover charges to get in and all the girls working there are dressed like a maid from the creepier kinds of Anime.  The patrons are primarily Otaku (am I over-using this word yet or is it just me)  who go there to see a girl dressed up like a maid and serve them a banana split, cake or well… something.  Mostly they sort of sit around ogle the girls and generally be their creepy little selves.  Lucky for me the last time I was in one (well, the only time I’ve been in one) they did serve beer and were open at 4 in the morning.  Don’t you judge me, I was waiting for the trains to start running and it was all that was left open!  I did have an amusing time mostly fucking with people and making them listen to obscure Japanese punk bands and trying to get the local wildlife to come out of it’s nerdy little shell.  I don’t know if it worked and doubt it did but I had to try.  OK, I’m a bastard what of it?  Well back to the point I guess.  Other than the freaky body pillows of prepubescent anime girls the rest of the stranger side of Otaku culture Akihabara is a really good place to shop for very cheap computer equipment as well as a wonderful place for people watching in that all the best (read: the craziest) of Japanese fashion is always on display.

Don’t ask, just don’t fucking ask…

 

Shinjuku:

 

I know I have spoken about Shinjuku before but I will again.  Shinjuku is basically the place every single Yakuza film ever made is set.  The reason for this is that as far as I can tell the local government of Shinjuku is the Yakuza.  It’s also has the best clubs to see live music in, especially punk, metal and other forms of angry and fast rock (the only things that matter if rockabilly is not being spoken of) so no matter what day it is there is always at least 20 live shows going on you can go to.  I love this place.  But other than the punk shows and the Yakuza, Shinjuku has a darker side, Kabuki-cho, as I have said in previous post Kabuki-cho is the place they used as the model for the game Yakuza (best game ever).  Kabuki-cho has some great clubs for live music but it also has a lot more to offer, especially if you are a pervert.  It’s filled with sex shops, love motels (a lot of them, so many I can’t believe that many is necessary in this one place a lot) and hostess bars.  They also have a lot of host bars, so many it’s insane ( I know women like to get theirs too but usually they are a little more on the DL about it, and hostess bars are more for the drunken businessman set in the first place).  For some reason every single guy that works at a host club (they like to call them clubs, whatever) has the same haircut where he looks like he is the lead in a Final Fantasy video game.  They all look the same, and I’m not saying that in the “racist Asian stereotype” the same but I think they just cloned one guy a hundred times and made his clones work at every Host Club in Shinjuku.

This is him…  or one of his clones…  I don’t really know…

Oh fuck he brought friends…  I’d make a joke with a Star Wars reference in it but fuck you George Lucas, fuck you!

 

Now there are some things to watch out for in Shinjuku (mainly in Kabuki-cho), do not go into hostess bars.  OK that’s a given any place (really if you want to check one out go into one in Yokohama or something and leave after 7 minutes you’ll see all you need to).  The reason I say stay out of the ones here is that a lot are not really hostess clubs but cleverly disguised places to get hookers.  You walk in pay you entrance fee and some girl sits down, you buy her a drink like you would at any of them places (really don’t bother going into one, ever) and rather than sit there and talk to you like they do at the normal ones they strait out tell you the price it is to go to the love motel (in normal hostess bars they do not do this, they only drink and talk, no sex, it’s like a strip club without the naked girls).  Why do I know this you ask?  Well I wish I didn’t but I’ll explain.  Unfortunately after missing the last train one night and trying to find a place to drink the night away till the trains started running (not that uncommon here)  I ended up getting dragged around by a very crazy Russian guy to took me to several of these places (he hadn’t quite figured out that I only wanted to drink and every time we left one he would say he knows a better place).  For the people that think this is a good idea the price runs you about 30,000 Yen and that is over 300 bucks (in American money) and that is just to the girl you still have to pay the love motel.   I think anyway I didn’t (read: wasn’t going to) get that far, so for all I know it only gets you 5 minutes with her in said motel.  Oh, right, and prostitution is wrong!

 

Another thing to watch out for is Nigerians, OK in Japan you always watch out for Nigerians.  Even the Nigerians will tell you that.  There is a Nigerian crime syndicate in Tokyo and they usually run the worse hostess bars and massage parlors and there is always some scam going on so while the Yakuza and Triads just want to get however much they can get you to spend at their clubs and brothels, the Nigerians will get your credit card number and you will get drugged and wake up several thousand dollars poorer.  To be fair this is not all Nigerians, so far I found two bars, one in Shibuya and one in Shinjuku were the guys are trustworthy and cool but one of the guys managed the bar for the Yakuza (well it’s a strip club) and the other just owned his own bar and wasn’t affiliated with any sort of organized crime.  Both however kindly told me never to talk to Nigerians.  Look, I know some people are going to jump on the whole “that’s racist thing” but fuck you, do what you want, but to the rest of the world just watch the hell out since you might be dealing with a syndicate and if you are you do not want it to be the Nigerian one.

 

Yoyogi Park and Harajuku:

 

Yoyogi is a section of Harajuku, or it’s a section of Shibuya attached to Harajuku (Harajuku being part of Shibuya), or it’s a park, it doesn’t matter.  I am going to go to the park other people like to go wander around in Harajuku to see all the freaks but you can get enough of them at the park and I could give a fuck about the shopping.  Yoyogi Park has everything, festivals all night parties, people playing random instruments they can’t get away with playing in their apartments,  strange Japanese greasers dancing with giant pompadours and public sex.  Yeah, I’m not kidding about the last one.  Now before you fly here just to get involved is some giant park orgy it doesn’t work like that, people do have sex out there but you can’t see shit because they are hiding in sleeping bags and usually behind a tree or something.  You are not going to be asked to join so just don’t bother trying and just leave them alone you sick fucks.  Yoyogi park is also a great place to see the most insane of Japanese fashion, and cosplay fun, especially on this one bridge (no I don’t know the name of it) where most of the people with the best in insane fashion hang out.

Yes it always looks like this, sometimes worse.  Just look up Harajuku fashion on the internets and you can get a break down of all the different flavors of crazy.  It would take months for me to break it all down and make fun of it all separately so I don’t want to bother (or I’m planing on doing a whole other post on just that so I’m saving all the jokes till then, I haven’t decided yet).

 

Roppongi:

 

Do not under any circumstances go to Roppongi.  It sucks.  Roppongi is one giant party, it’s also one giant crime against humanity.  The clubs are overpriced and they always play the same crappy top 40 dance music and if you are unlucky enough to spend enough time in a club there you will notice when the music goes on repeat.  If you walk out of one club and into another one quickly you will notice that the same song is playing.   People have been known to waste entire paychecks there and can still walk out relatively sober.  Granted people don’t go there for music or even just the booze, they go to find girls, and there are a lot of girls, just not a lot of quality girls.  If you are a foreigner looking to fuck a Japanese girl go here, it’s easy to pick them up since many of the clubs are basically made for foreign guys to pick up Japanese girls.  Just remember she is there to fuck foreign guys and you do not know how long she has been going there.  Also it’s filled with Nigerians and not even just the “I’m going to steal all your money kind” they have a lot of the “drugged and rapped kind” if not the “sold into sexual slavery kind”.  Under no circumstances to you talk to a Nigerian in Roppongi, not that you should follow anyone who promises you girls and sex in Roppongi since that isn’t something you should ever do, but when it’s the Nigerians really, really don’t do it.  I guess my point is, if someone says “do you want a massage” do not follow them, and if they say “do you want sex” you definitely do not follow them.  Although from what I have heard if you don’t get your credit cards stolen the hookers are a lot cheaper there than they are in Shinjuku.  Once again, prostitution is wrong!

 

Roppongi is filled with night clubs, strip clubs (in Japan you will owe a kidney and your immortal soul to the Yakuza from the price just to look at the drink menu) and the ever wonderful massage parlors that if you only go in to get a massage you will feel ripped off no matter how cheap it was (I’ll give you a hint, they are not there to give you a massage).  Japan is usually a safe country and you can drink all night without having to worry too much about muggings, murder, rape or people drugging your drink, Roppongi is the exception to this.  You walk into the wrong place have one drink and the next day you wake up sleeping on a park bench and wonder why you have $3000 missing from your bank account.  The point is unless you don’t care about shame, VD or your bank account do not under any circumstances go to Roppongi.

 

Shimo-kitazawa:

 

Shimo-kitazawa is a nice place to go for concerts.  It’s really close to Shinjuku.  There are a lot of places to see shows here and there.  There are also a lot of little streets with small shops to go to and hang out at.  I’ll talk more about the clubs if I ever get around to that post…

 

Now let’s move on to some of the other places near Tokyo.

 

Machida:

 

Machida is a decent place to go out drinking or shopping.  There are some good bars there and it isn’t that expensive.  OK, I don’t have much to say about the place other than it’s fun enough.

 

Chiba:

 

There is stuff in Chiba like Tokyo Disneyland and since I could care less about Disneyland I have never been there so I can’t tell you if Tokyo Disney is better than normal Disney.  There are also a lot of large venues for concerts (the only reason I have ever been to Chiba).  OK there is a lot more there but really unless you know someone that lives there if you are on vacation I have no idea why you would go.  Well unless you are coming here in March since Iron Maiden is playing two shows there.

 

Kamakura:

Kamakura was once the capital of Japan.  It’s a nice place to do the touristy thing.  They have a lot of temples, shrines and places to shop and get food.  It is a really beautiful place.  They also have the second largest statue of Buddha in Japan.  And yes, it is quite large.

The store there sells beer.

 

Nikko:

 

Nikko is about 86 miles from Tokyo.  Yeah, I know this was mostly about Tokyo and Yokohama but fuck you, Nikko is the shit.  It’s a nice place although was a bit expensive.  Nikkō National Park is very beautiful and has a lot of waterfalls and hot springs (or Onsen in Japanese).  It is a very relaxing place.  Lake Chuzenji that end with the beautiful Kegon Falls is at the top of a mountain and the ride up there is amazing.  The mountain is so steep that they have one very winding road for up and one for down because they didn’t have space to make them two lanes.  And this is Japan where they make two lanes out of any road big enough to fit two cats on.  Down the mountain they have a couple of shines such as Nikkō Tōshō-gū that is dedicated to Tokugawa Ieyasu and has the urn that hold his remain there.  You can see it if you want to walk up what feels like a million steps up a tree covered hill to get to it.  Other than the foot blisters it is a very nice walk.  Really there is about 9 shines or temples in the area although it’s more like 103 different building close to one another in a forest of giant trees.  It is really beautiful.  You can walk around there for days.   Another good reason to go is Nikko Beer.  Nikko Beer is the best beer in Japan and sadly hard to find anywhere else.  They also have Nikko Wine.  The regular wine is OK but the Strawberry Wine is really good, and the ladies love it.  Also hard to get where I am.  Nikko is the perfect place to go if you want to go on a relaxing weekend with a date.  The only problem with Nikko is that a lot of the hotels at the top of the mountain (all lakeside for a wonderful view) close their doors at 10pm as well as most places do so you have to be back by then.  This isn’t that big of a problem since most places are not open all night like in Tokyo however I did have one incident where I ended up at this tiny little local bar off the beaten path that stayed open late and ended up having to crawl into a window that was unlocked to get into my hotel at 3 in the morning quite drunk.  In my defense while I may have had to break into my hotel I didn’t break anything to do it and was nice enough to secures the window I have crawled through and the back door I had unlocked to let my friend in before hitting the bed.   My hotel was nice though since it had a hot spring in it and a very good Bangladeshi/Indian restaurant.

Click on the pic it gets bigger…  Shut up pervert!

 

Ah Nikko, how I love you.  Well other than the fact it was May and it started to snow and I didn’t pack much other than shorts and t-shirts and I was on an hour long boat tour of the lake when the weather changed and could do shit about it…  Yeah it does get colder there especially on the mountain because of the elevation.  But you know you always wanted to go to and outdoor onsen in the snow.

 

Now let’s have some fun in Yokohama.

 

Nishi-ku:

 

This is what most people think about when you say Yokohama.  If you tell a girl you will meet her at Yokohama at 2:00 she will naturally go here.  Probably because the train station here is the Yokohama Station the 5th busiest train station in Japan.  Around the station are a lot of bars and restaurants and if it a fairly decent place to get some beers are some good food.  It also has two places every foreigner living near or in Yokohama has spent an inordinate amount of time in.  TGI Friday’s and The Hub (it’s an English pub/restaurant, they have good food and beer), they are also decent places to pick up girls.  They also serve what is known as “American portions”, since if you are American you are used to larger portions at a restaurant than what you usually get in Japan (we be fat people).  There are also a lot of decent places to take a girl on a date.

Click the…  Fuck you pervert, fuck you…

 

Kannai:

 

A lot of bars, shopping and good for tourists.  There was a really good club for punk music I used to basically live at called Club 24 West, but it closed and then reopened under new and shitty management.  Other than 24 West I never did much else there other than play pool.

 

Minato Mirai:

 

It’s really Minato Mirai 21 but who cares.  It is a good place to take dates and other than tourism it’s what it’s known for.  A lot of restaurants, bars, movie theaters, shopping, an amusement park with a very large ferris wheel that lights up the sky right next to the bay.  It’s also right next to Chinatown.

Chinatown:

 

The largest Chinatown in Asia.  Well the largest one that isn’t China I guess…. It is a nice place to take a date or for tourism and to get really good food.  It’s a nice place for a date or to go shopping.

 

Hinodechō:

 

It is in Niki Ward but you don’t care about that.  You want the hookers.  Yes, hookers.  The place was a red light district.  Notice I just said “was”.  It’s not now but until they cleaned it up it looked like Amsterdam, or well Hinodecho.  Prostitution is not legal in Japan, well it’s mostly not legal they have some interesting loopholes in the laws, it is however usually ignored so people kind of get away with a lot.  Once again, prostitution is wrong.  Hinodechō was at one time street after street of half dressed girls in doorways trying to convince lonely perverts to join them for a little pay by the hour fun. While Japan might have a tendency to look the other way at this kind of thing it was a little too out in the open so the city finally closed the place down.  Like I said prostitution is wrong, but if you want to go get herpes you can’t do it here anymore, go to Roppongi that places is filled with the herpadillos.  Now the streets and alleyways where you used to be able to buy sex are not there anymore and if you look like a lonely pervert looking for sex the cops will shoo you away.  All the girls and brothels are gone but many have been changed into apartments (not the girls, I’m not even going to go for that joke).  Yes, people now live in what used to be brothels, it’s kind of popular with the hipster crowed out here.  Yeah I know the local government thought they were cleaning it up and making it more classy and now it’s worse (and unlike what a hipster thinks is irony this actually is ironic).  Plus converting an old syphilis factory into an apartment makes sense when you are renting it to a bunch of annoying douchebags since it’s illegal to kill them out of mercy (for our mercy, not theirs) it helps when you can keep them in one area so you know not to go there and if we are lucky (we are not, but there is always hope) they will stay there and not come out to bother the rest of us.

 

Alright lets move on to some other places.  Lets go with some of the areas around the U.S. military bases.  You might wonder why you need to know where they are and what is around them but you do.  You see, if you are living in Japan there are certain things that you can’t get unless you have friends in the military to get them for you like cheap steaks or a rack of ribs that doesn’t cost your entire paycheck.  Now it’s wrong to use them this way and they are not supposed to do it but for some of the simpler things it helps.  Take contact solution.  Every time I have used Japanese contact solution it ends up burning the fuck out of my eyes (granted I may be mixing up contact solution with rat poison but that’s not important), so I get one of my friends to score me a couple bottles now and then so I don’t have to use the Japanese stuff or spend forever trying to find one I can use.  Cigarettes are another thing.  Japanese Marlboros, Lucky Strikes and Camels do not taste the same out here and are not as good due to the fact that regulations require them to use at least 25% Japanese tobacco.  There are some brands Japanese brands such as Hope and Mild Sevens that are decent but every now and then you just want a pack of Luckies or Camels and it’s the place to get them.  Another reason to make friends with someone in the military is that if you want to have a cookout they can score you a lot of cheep meat and beer since both meet and beer is expensive out here.  Unless you are trying to get someone to get you a couple cases of Red Stripe on base it’s going to cost you a fuck-ton if you are lucky enough to find the stuff.  That and other than a couple bastards out there (everyone has them) they are decent enough guys and girls, much like The awesome people in the Japanese Self Defense Forces (JSDF) and they like to drink and they always buy rounds for the people they are hanging with.

 

Atsugi:

 

In order to get to the Atsugi base you need to go to the Sagamino station in Ebina this way you can get to the city of Ayase were the base is.  To further confuse you if you go to the city of Atsugi you will not be anywhere near the Atsugi base.  In reality you have no reason to be here.  Really, the city of Ayase doesn’t have much in it other than a lot of houses and not many good places to go out drinking.  They do have a lot of Thai hostess bars for some reason if you’re into that sort of thing.  There is a Tattoo shop up there called Edo that does really good work.

 

Zama:

 

US Army Base.  It is close to Atsugi and there isn’t much around it other than it is close to Machida.  Other than that I have no idea what is there.

 

Yokota:

 

Air Force Base, I have no idea what is there other than people say “nothing”.

 

Yokosuka:

 

Navy Base.  This place mostly sucks.  There isn’t much there other than right outside the base there is this place called “The Honch”, but I really think it is called Honcho.  It apparently has nothing but a lot of bars sailors got to that have 15-20 men for every girl and a lot of massage parlors who for some reason can stay in business even though the sailors are not allowed to go to any one them.  The only reason you would go here is to go to the club Pumpkin.  Pumpkin has a lot of punk bands play there and is a nice place.  A lot of the bands that used to play at 24 West in Kannai play there now that 24 West sucks.  OK there are some bars there that are OK but unless you live in the area or are trying to grab a few beers before Pumpkin opens (or on the way home from Pumpkin) I don’t know why you would bother.

OK, that might have been 40 years ago…  Not really sure when it was…  Don’t much care…

 

Well I hope you enjoyed my little tour and I would tell you I can’t wait to see you out here but to be honest I really mostly hate people so why the fuck would I want to see you?  Now I know several people are going to bitch because I didn’t mention this place or that place but really I don’t care plus this thing is already over 5,000 words long.  Really if you want to know more go get a book about it.  I did this for free.

 

 

I do love it here.  However I can never end a post that way so…

 

I hate it here…

 

 

I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back.  I know how much you all missed me.   I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night.   I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant.  So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot.   I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies?  You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided.   The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it.  Why is that?  Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff.  Really?  Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents.  He is a good guy to say the least.  If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it.  Fuck him.  OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again.  By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news.  A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West.   It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S.  did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit.  Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S.   Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone.  Remember Iraq?  The countries government was destroyed in weeks.  Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army.  You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied.  Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch.  I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels.  Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side.  And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”.  Fucking hell people are crazy.  I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well…  You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks.  Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA.  Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly.  I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary?  They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines.  There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway.  Come the fuck on people!  We all know who the problem is.  It’s pissed off Moslems.  Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat.  Pissed off Moslems.   I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes?  Like pissed off Moslems?  Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes.   Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers.  Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it.  All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships.  If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me.  Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked?  I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it.   Really I just want to thank you for that.  I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs.  Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance.  Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know.  Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know).   They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem.  Plus they just need too.  It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense.  I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense.  The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about.  They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children.  Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it.  They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time.  Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense.  It’s a joke.  Stop it.  It’s not 1946 anymore.  Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages?  I don’t get it?  You’re from Poland or Japan!  I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account.  I have a regular email address people can use.  I really do not know what the point of most of it is.  Especially the status updates.  Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store.  It’s like the height of vapid egotism.  I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend.  I get the invitations to events.  But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid.  Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album?  I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money.  Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong?  I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on.  One time it was just all jumbled up.  This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews.   It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel.  The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero.  What the fuck!  I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic?  It’s treason you shitheads.  Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country?  We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50.  We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo.  Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them.  So much for free speech I guess.  It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you.  I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains.  Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”.  Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”.  Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow.  Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up.  It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

And here is a funny ass video I found on Because No One Asked.

I know what cat tastes like.  I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting?  You eat things like shrimp and crab right?  You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach.  But cat is gross?

Food

Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats.  OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011.   5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English.  It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome?  Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity.  So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters.  Why?  Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them.  Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too?  Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves?  To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook.  Why would you poke someone.  It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people?  At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something.  With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”.  But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them.  They need a punch button.  You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later.  I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7.  It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close.  Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow.  You need to be there for me guys.  You know I love you…

Hmm…  Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason.  Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask?  Well because I pick on everything.  That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account.  I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.

 

Wait I might have spoke too soon…  Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars.  Why do you fucks make me do this?  And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too?  God how I hate you all…  First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so.  I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake!   So why am I talking about it?  Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show.  Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it.  Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was.  Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing.  OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there.  IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING.   AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT?  Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important.  More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people.  Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII?  Seriously you need to get your priorities strait.  Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life.  It’s not fucking important.  The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important.  The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important.  Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East.   If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place.  The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too.  Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”.  I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though.  And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas.  Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects.  I always hated it because of Christmas music.  Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying.  You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait.  I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already.  Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit.  My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off.  On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God.  You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything?  You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way.  I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk.   Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity…  This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus…  I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid.  As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims.  At least this guy did commit a crime.  I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder.  Fuck you Iran, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

I hate it here…

Fuck You Fred Phelps: Bullshit, People I Really, Really Hate And Assholes That Protest Funerals

Editors Note:  Since Letters hasn’t been posting much lately on account of having finally received a copy of Yakuza 3 (no not directly from Sega as he demanded, that wasn’t going to happen no matter how insane his ideas about his own power are they just aren’t that good) and his being distracted by that it’s time for more crap from the Drunken Llama.  Sorry about this people, we are only humble editors and after having had a Llama point an AK-47 at your head a couple of times you just give up and let the bastard do what he wants to do.

Llama Note:  Fuck you Editors and Fuck you letters you sorry son of a bitch.  Hey Letters don’t you think it’s a little sad that you have gotten laid in a video game more times this week than you have with a real girl this year?  OK time to let the hate flow…

“Outrage After Marine’s Father Ordered to Pay Funeral Protester’s Fees“

Outrage, but why?

“A court order requiring the father of a Marine killed in Iraq to pay court costs of anti-gay protestors who picketed the funeral has not only angered the father — it is prompting outcry among veterans.

The VFW issued a statement to its members calling on them to help the father, Albert Snyder of York, Pa., pay the $16,510 owed to Fed Phelps, the leader of Kansas’ Westboro Baptist Church, which held protests at Marine Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder’s funeral in 2006.

“It is absolutely wrong for the court to order him to shoulder a financial burden on top of everything else,” said VFW National Commander Thomas J. Tradewell Sr. “This is a travesty at best and borders on the obscene. The irony in this whole situation is that the blood and sacrifice of our nation’s heroes have enabled this group to spread their message of hate.”

The Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit ordered Snyder on Friday to pay Phelps. A two-page decision supplied by his attorneys offered no details on how the court came to its decision.

But since Snyder told Fox News on Tuesday he would defy the court order, he has gotten an outpouring of support from across the country.”

So the cocksmoking fucktards at the Westboro Baptist Church like to picket a funerals, we all know this is fucking stupid and rude.  Yeah I hate people but I don’t go to their funerals to scream about it.  Fuck these guys suck a fat one.  From what I understand about the situation is that the herpes eating fuckwads from the Westboro Baptist Church like to picket funerals because they think God hates gay people so much he wants US soldiers to die because…  I don’t get it?  What because the US doesn’t round-up gay people and murder them God wants some one who has nothing to do with the issue of homosexuality in America to die?  That doesn’t make much fucking sense to me.  OK so these fuckers are crazy, like moosefucking transvestite crazy.  So they protest a funeral for a dead soldier and the father not appreciating  it much sues the shit out of them.  Well to say the least the father lost on Free Speech grounds and that sounded like the end of it until the moosefuckers decided to sue the father for the cost of their court fees.  Even going to far as claiming that because he got the dead kids life insurance he has the money to pay them.  Yep, asshole munchers they are.  Well for some reason the next court decided that yes the father should pay the court fees.  The judge is an asshole.  Now the father says he won’t pay and many people have gotten together to make sure he doesn’t have to if he loses another court case or is forced to pay (see some people in this world don’t suck that bad).

OK we all caught up bitches?  What I don’t understand is how the useless wastes of tainted sperm that is the Westboro Baptist Church even got away with protesting a funeral.  I know people have the right to protest, I know hippies do it every time someone angers them by trying to get them to have a rational thought.  Free Speech and all.  But at a funeral?  How the hell do you get away with a protest at a graveyard?  It’s not like a fucking graveyard is public property can’t you just make them leave the premises and arrest them for trespassing?  Am I missing something here?  I understand freedom of speech lets you be an asshole, but I thought trespassing was still a crime?  Just because you can say something doesn’t give you the right to yell your crazy bullshit on private property.

If you want to send money to help go here to matthewsnyder.org

Even if God really does hate fags something tells me that he probably hates the Westboro Baptist Church a bit more…  Sorry a lot fucking more as in if there was a one to ten scale on God hate; Gays would be about a 1 and the Westboro Baptist Church would be a 635.

OK Look, I am not at all advocating violence, it’s illegal to both do violence and to advocate it.  What people need to do it go to this Westboro Church of Cancerous Anal Discharge and protest them all fucking day.  Plus call your local representatives and make sure that this “church” isn’t allowed to be eligible tax exempt status as a church.

Here is their address go say hello.  No, do not use violence or attack their homes and children.  Please remember while these fucking lunatics are crazy they are smart enough not to use violence against people and you should be smarter than they are (unless you are Nancy Pelosi then you might be on the same level of fucktard). Fucking tainted sperm licking ass munching cock gobbling lunatics…

Westboro Baptist Church
3701 SW 12th St
Topeka, KS 66604

Good Ideas for your protest signs:

GOD HATES THE WESTBORO BAPTIST CHURCH

FRED PHELPS HAS AIDS

Now if you really want to piss them off you can get all the lunatics freaks and perverts from San Francisco’s Folsom Street Fair* to show up outside their church and do all the hideous things that those fuckers do.  That shit would be fucking funny as all fucking hell.

.

*  It’s basically a giant orgy of perversion no respectable person gay or strait would be caught dead going to or being near.

.

Llama Note:  OK before anyone (that be you liberals) starts yelling about the right-wing and the Republicans on this one, Phelps the guy that runs this shit ran for the for Governor of Kansas (3 times) and the US Senate as a Democrat between 1990 and 1998.  So don’t blame this fucking shitsucking cancerfucker on the Republicans.  He even got 30% of the vote in the Democratic primary in 1992.   Really this time can’t we all just agree to hate the same asshole?

How Alcohol, Anecdotes From My Life And Sex Have Led Me To Solve The Problem Of Racism

I’ll tell you a funny story about race.  While I was in collage I was sitting in my academic advisor’s office (I’ll get it out-of-the-way and say she was black only because it is important to this story since the story is about race) while she had stepped out for the moment I started looking around the office at the books she had.  An autobiography of Huey Newton, a book entitled Black Feminism and many other such titles, it was a cornucopia of a certain strain of political silliness, but it happens.  Then I got to one called White People and by this point she had come back into the office and I had also notice the nice picture of her and her white husband (remember Black Feminism), and I started laughing, yes I’m an ass, but something about a person that has a book called Black Feminism being married to a bald white guy (because you know every characture of “The Man” is a bald white guy) comes off as fucking hilarious to someone who grew up watching In Living Color.  She of course asks me why I am laughing and I mention I find it absolutely hilarious that someone actually wrote a book called “White People” (I think it was the play White People and not another book of the same title I didn’t look that hard, the point is that it’s a book called White People).  And that’s where it went wrong.  She wanted  to know what was so funny about a book called White People so I told her, not about the white husband part just the fact I thought a book called White People was funny.  “Why is that funny?”  She asks.  So I tell her “Because race is a joke, it’s nothing more than random genetic traits that people make to much of to the point of absurdity” (this is an actual scientific fact look it up).

And that’s where it went wronger (or “more wrong” depending on your grasp of proper English, wait is that even proper English?  Fuck I need to go to 7-11 to find someone who majored in English in collage… That’s where they all work right? I don;t know, but i know it is Not Starbucks because that’s where all the philosophy majors work so I have to try someplace).

Before I get into the rest let me do a little background work here.  This is the Academic Advisor that did not bother to look at my academic transcripts from my previous universities before our meeting and was supposed to help me with picking my classes this semester having no idea about my previous academic background, something she had more than enough time to do since we set up this meeting 2 weeks prior (as in she wasn’t about to do what I would think was her fucking job).  Then even after I explained to her that I am planning on studying Asian History with emphasis on Japan she spends 45 minutes trying to get me to take a Literature class on writings from American slaves. While it might be interesting it has nothing to do with my intended studies since I am not trying to study literature or American History.  If I really care that much I can go to a library.  I don’t want to pay for a class that will not help in any way (since I already finished all the general requirements and electives I needed).  Like I said, not doing what I would think was her job.  You might as well tell the next kid that comes in planning on Majoring Electrical Engineering to take a class on Epidemiology.

Anyhoo back to the point of this little hate crime.  At this point she got visibly angry, or at least really agitated and got into a long spiel about how race really is important (FYI it’s not, well it is if you a moron, but I digress) and started talking about Michael Vick (it was around the time he had just been charged but before the verdict).   Well according to her Michael Vick was only being targeted because he was black because apparently white people can hold all the dog fights they want, really it’s true look it up. It really is legal for white people to have dog fights and not only that but when white people do it even the fucktards from PETA come out to cheer and every time a dog dies an angel gets its wings (It has to be true since it’s on the internets and the internets is always right, even if the only reason it’s on the internets is because I just put in there… But I digress).  Now since I was trying to be polite and not come straight out and call her a fucking moron I tried to reason with her, why i don’t know, W. F. Buckley talking about why he doesn’t debate communists was running through my mind “because there isn’t much to say to someone who believes the moon is made of green cheese”.  I just didn’t listen, so I kept on because I have the inability to see stupid and not try to correct it no matter how many windmill I must attempt to joust.  “It’s not because he’s black, it’s that he was forcing  dogs to fight to money, and he was killing the ones that wouldn’t.  People love dog, and people hate when you are cruel to them” I said, it meant nothing to her, it was only because Michael Vick was black and that was all.  “If he had been white no one would care.  They are only making a big deal about it because he is black” she said, “No, it’s because he was famous, if he wasn’t famous people wouldn’t have made a big deal out of it, yes they would still be angry but the reason it’s such a big deal is because he is famous and doing something not only illegal but horrible” I cried back but to no avail.  Nothing I could say could get through, my arguments no matter how good or correct could have worked.  It’s impossible to win an argument with someone who cannot believe they are wrong.

To say the least I left that school, not only was my advisor an idiot but the school sucked, the classes and teachers where terrible and I could have learned more drinking myself to death.  Seriously these people are fucking stupid, or insane.  I had an online class and they had us do a group project.  How the hell is that supposed to work?  Where we all supposed to fly to Albuquerque every Saturday to meet up or something?  If that wasn’t bad enough they would give you a grade on anything, you turned in reports and tests and you never got a grade back, it was like you were just dumping your work into a trash can never to be seen again.

OK the school sucked but I did learn something important from it.  Race really does mean something, not how you think but sadly it does.  Race means something because morons want it to mean something, they make it mean something and no matter what evidence on the planet or in science to the contrary to them it always will (people also believe in Scientology, Islam and that Budweiser is beer so let’s not assume the world is playing with a full deck).  It’s sad really because we will never be able to move past the bullshit as long as we keep letting people do this so I have come up with a plan to stop it.  Here’s the plan, never, and I mean never fuck anyone from your own race.  Now mind you it pains me to say this because if this catches on eventually we will not have Japanese or Korean women anymore since their blood will be tainted by the rest of us fuckers, but it’s a risk I am willing to take because I’ll be dead by then (plus it would be hypocritical of me to tell people not to do it since I’m already trying to pollute their gene pool with my seed, granted it doesn’t really matter what my race is since honestly I can only imagine my seed would pollute any gene pool not from Saudi Arabia or California).  What are we really going to lose (other than Korean and Japanese women who – other than maybe Columbian girls – are on average the best of the best when it comes to general attractiveness)?  Are white women and black women hot?  Sometimes, but is a girl who is half and half better?  Oh yes she is?   What about a girl who is half black and half Filipino?  Oh god I was 5 seconds away from kidnaping her and waiting for Stockholm Syndrome to kick in.  Men will do stupid, really, really stupid things for women but I would have started WWIII if I though it would help me score a date with that girl, and that is just for the possibility of a date, you don’t even want to know what I would have done for a guarantee.  Why are Brazilian women hot?  Because they are a mix of fucking everything that’s why (well some more than others but that’s why they aren’t perfect but at least they try).  Honestly it doesn’t always work out. India is a place of mixed genetic lines, and not to offend the place but they have some of the ugliest woman I have ever seen outside of a Phish concert.  The thing is though that they also have some of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.  It’s weird I seriously think that half of the countries female population puts all the worlds supermodels to shame and the other half should be living under a bridge killing people.  There is no middle ground.   I love, I mean love Japanese and Korean woman but I’ve seen Indian woman who I would murder whole countries just to get their phone number (yes, in my mind that is a compliment) and they aren’t models or anything just normal girls.

The point is, to fuck, but not just anyone you need to fuck people who aren’t of your race, and do it as much as possible so maybe years from now we won’t have to worry about the bullshit that is the racial debate we have now because it would be pointless and silly (well it is now but it will make even less sense then).  Yes folks, that’s the ticket, miscegenation.  Constant unyielding miscegenation.  Not to toot my own horn here, but I’m a fucking genius, I have just solved all the problems of race (while dunk mind you).  You may thank me now (and the people that make Red Stripe beer since they helped if only for the fact I drank a ton of those little bottles of happiness before and during the writing of this).

Air Sex. Oh Japan, how I love you.

Yes from the country that gave us the movie Gozu and vending machines that serve whiskey (among other things) comes this!   My god is this funny!

Thanks to Wolfey for the H/T

eHarmony Told Me I Would Die Alone.

Nihon Hikikomori Kyokai

So I decided to do an experiment to see what eHarmony would give me after I did the whole survey to see the “key dimensions of personality that predicted compatibility and the potential for long-term relationship success.” and other nonsense. Well guess what my results where from these people?

“Sorry unable to match you”

and the fun little explanation:

“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

So complex you couldn’t find shit? maybe make it a little bit simpler so I got a chance? Like “Well these Freaks might be close enough so have fun”.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Read as “You are such a loser science can’t even help you”.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

Yes apparently even though I put in parameters so that it would take people from at least 60 countries covering well over 2 billion woman on the planet I am not compatible with a single one of them, and my mom still keeps asking me when I’m going to get married. I’m just happy that they were at least nice enough not to just come right out and tell me I was going to die alone, but they really didn’t need to I guess, I got the point. I wonder if I try again and lie my ass off will I get a better result?

They also give you a free personality profile that was interestingly enough fairly accurate, and I think made me look better then I might really be. It did say quite a few nice things, people don’t usually say nice things about me, so I guess that’s a plus…

1 person out of 2 billion women? Not one, ONE FUCKING PERSON? eHarmony is a bunch of rat bastards. I bet they are going to just flood my inbox with spam from porn sites and call girls since they might guess that might be my only hope at this point according to them.

Fuck you internets, fuck you!

UPDATE: So I redid the survey and lied my happy ass off then set the parameters to cover the entire world this time to see what I would get.

Guess what I got?

Nothing, still nothing.  I can’t even lie to people on the Internets properly, and that’s what the internets is for!    Well I am going to go drink a beer and beat to death some of those annoying emo kids to make myself feel better.

No I didn’t do that, I just think this is funny.