Horrible Advice From Your Uncle Drunken Llama

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to live your life, however it is much more entertaining.

Always have several fake names and extra cell phones that way you never have to give out the real ones.  Just make sure you don’t mix them up.

Never tell anyone you love them if they know your real name or where you live.

Never marry anyone who would have sex with you on the first date.  However you should try to get a couple more dates just for the fun of it.

Remember the proper etiquette in a strip club is whoever correctly guesses what drug the stripper is on gets the lap dance.

Speaking of strip clubs if you are in a private room for a lap dance and the stripper tells you that for an extra $300 you can put it anywhere, you can, but you shouldn’t.

Any woman that you just met at a bar that offers to buy you tequila shots will probably have sex with you that night.

When drinking with a woman always drink twice as much as she does that way you can always say later that she took advantage of you. *

If you shake more than twice you’re playing with it and if you don’t a bit will dribble down your leg.  It’s your call.

No matter how cracked and dry your skin is – even if it’s so obvious you can see it from space – and you are a man the lady behind the counter still thinks you are buying lotion to masturbate with.  The only way to counter this is to buy tampons and some milk that way they think you were sent on an errand by your wife or girlfriend.

Always treat people with dignity and respect, unless they don’t deserve it, then don’t, unless they pay you and you need to keep that job.

If you’re over the age of 18 and don’t own at least one good suit you are failing at life.  If you are over 30 and only own one good suit you are still failing.

Always remember to do your research before telling people you are a fighter pilot to impress people.  The Navy doesn’t use F-14′s anymore, has never used F-15′s and a B-52 isn’t a fighter so get your facts strait or you will look like an ass.  No matter how dense most of the people at the party are someone will know and they will call you on it as they should.

No matter how big you think you are she’s had better so stop worrying about it and just be happy some chick likes you.

Speaking of size; a very large cock is only impressive in porno.  In the real word it is usually uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.  Yeah, size matters but it’s more of a ratio between the smallest that works and the largest that works.

Getting 4 girls numbers at the same bar in one night always sounds cool and you can brag about it with your friends.  The problem is you were at a bar all night and trying to remember who was who and what you talked about is next to impossible unless you were dead sober and have a very good memory.  Therefor calling any of them can be risky.  Basically getting more than one number is pointless since there is a very small chance you will call any one them and if you do there is a large chance you will fuck it up.  But have fun and go for it.

Your ability to make a bong out of anything does not impress anyone worth impressing.  Also your ability to take large amounts of any drug without getting that fucked up also does not impress anyone worth impressing.**

Hypocrisy isn’t saying one thing and doing another, that’s screwing up.  Hypocrisy is saying people shouldn’t do something but saying  ”it’s OK when I do it”.

If you are visiting foreign countries and feel the need to lie about what country you are from you either shouldn’t be in that country or you are a little pussy bitch and your homeland would be better off if you didn’t come back.***

It’s rude to ask someone why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend and never try to set them up with anyone you know.  If they aren’t good enough to even date one of you least favorite acquaintances just don’t bring up the subject.  The question is fine if you are only tying to find out what they like and dislike so you can help otherwise you’re just asking someone to bare their soul so you can judge, quietly.  Oh so quietly…

Just because Ideology can be dangerous doesn’t mean it will.  Just remember you need to continue to question and prove to yourself that it’s correct.  It’s not as easy as it sounds but if you aren’t even trying you have a very big problem.

Never fish for compliments; it’s tacky and shows a lack of class.

If you’re not proud of yourself it’s your fault.  but if you’re proud of yourself you better be able to prove why you should be.  Prove, not justify.  People can justify anything with the right amount of bullshit.

On that note.   You should never have to justify your actions they should be able to speak for themselves.

Intentions mean nothing if you make it worse.

Air travel always sucks so never pay too much for it and never get on an air line that wont let you walk onto the plane with an open beer in your hand.  Seriously you are always going to be late, it will always be cramped and they are going to lose your luggage but as long as it isn’t a Chinese air line or Delta and the flight attendants don’t give a crap that you walked onto the plane with your own six pack it will be the best you are going to get out of air travel.

Really fuck Delta.

When you wake up and don’t know where you are always make sure you still have your wallet and your gun.  If you don’t have either you fucked up since you should always keep both hidden in  place people won’t check when they try to rob your passed out ass.

If  your collage major has “Studies” at the end of it, it’s worthless.  People don’t major in Physics Studies, Electrical Engineering Studies, History Studies or Medicine Studies.  Hell they don’t even major in Philosophy Studies and a major in Philosophy is pretty much useless.  All a major in a “Studies” does if tell the rest of the world not only do you have no marketable skills any employer would ever need but you are stupid enough to spend a shit-load of money acquiering those lack of marketable skills.  You can train a moron that is willing to work hard to do a lot of things but you can’t train an idiot with a sense of entitlement and  bullshit college degree to do anything.

Love is like a fine wine.  It’s expensive, it must be aged carefully and sipped slowly.  It will also never last.

I’m joking unlike love a good wine exists and it’s much easier to get your hands on another decent bottle.

Fair fights only exist in boxing and movies.

 

*  This will probably not hold up in court since double standards are fun.

** Yes this is from a llama that spends his free time chugging scotch and lighting hippies on fire.  Fuck off.

*** Exceptions can be made for people that have to travel for work or charity reasons and need to keep a low profile.

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I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back.  I know how much you all missed me.   I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night.   I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant.  So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot.   I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies?  You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided.   The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it.  Why is that?  Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff.  Really?  Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents.  He is a good guy to say the least.  If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it.  Fuck him.  OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again.  By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news.  A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West.   It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S.  did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit.  Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S.   Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone.  Remember Iraq?  The countries government was destroyed in weeks.  Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army.  You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied.  Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch.  I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels.  Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side.  And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”.  Fucking hell people are crazy.  I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well…  You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks.  Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA.  Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly.  I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary?  They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines.  There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway.  Come the fuck on people!  We all know who the problem is.  It’s pissed off Moslems.  Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat.  Pissed off Moslems.   I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes?  Like pissed off Moslems?  Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes.   Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers.  Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it.  All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships.  If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me.  Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked?  I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it.   Really I just want to thank you for that.  I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs.  Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance.  Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know.  Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know).   They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem.  Plus they just need too.  It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense.  I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense.  The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about.  They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children.  Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it.  They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time.  Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense.  It’s a joke.  Stop it.  It’s not 1946 anymore.  Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages?  I don’t get it?  You’re from Poland or Japan!  I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account.  I have a regular email address people can use.  I really do not know what the point of most of it is.  Especially the status updates.  Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store.  It’s like the height of vapid egotism.  I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend.  I get the invitations to events.  But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid.  Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album?  I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money.  Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong?  I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on.  One time it was just all jumbled up.  This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews.   It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel.  The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero.  What the fuck!  I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic?  It’s treason you shitheads.  Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country?  We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50.  We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo.  Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them.  So much for free speech I guess.  It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you.  I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains.  Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”.  Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”.  Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow.  Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up.  It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

And here is a funny ass video I found on Because No One Asked.

I know what cat tastes like.  I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting?  You eat things like shrimp and crab right?  You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach.  But cat is gross?

Food

Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats.  OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011.   5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English.  It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome?  Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity.  So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters.  Why?  Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them.  Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too?  Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves?  To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook.  Why would you poke someone.  It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people?  At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something.  With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”.  But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them.  They need a punch button.  You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later.  I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7.  It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close.  Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow.  You need to be there for me guys.  You know I love you…

Hmm…  Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason.  Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask?  Well because I pick on everything.  That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account.  I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.

 

Wait I might have spoke too soon…  Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars.  Why do you fucks make me do this?  And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too?  God how I hate you all…  First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so.  I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake!   So why am I talking about it?  Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show.  Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it.  Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was.  Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing.  OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there.  IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING.   AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT?  Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important.  More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people.  Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII?  Seriously you need to get your priorities strait.  Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life.  It’s not fucking important.  The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important.  The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important.  Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East.   If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place.  The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too.  Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”.  I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though.  And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas.  Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects.  I always hated it because of Christmas music.  Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying.  You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait.  I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already.  Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit.  My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off.  On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God.  You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything?  You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way.  I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk.   Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity…  This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus…  I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid.  As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims.  At least this guy did commit a crime.  I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder.  Fuck you Iran, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

I hate it here…

Another Reason To Hate Valentine’s Day

“Agents for Britain’s MI5 intelligence service have discovered that Muslim doctors trained at some of Britain’s leading teaching hospitals have returned to their own countries to fit surgical implants filled with explosives, according to a report from Joseph Farah’s G2 Bulletin.

Women suicide bombers recruited by al-Qaida are known to have had the explosives inserted in their breasts under techniques similar to breast enhancing surgery. The lethal explosives – usually PETN (pentaerythritol Tetrabitrate) – are inserted during the operation inside the plastic shapes. The breast is then sewn up.”

Look it’s bad enough going through the hurdles to score a date on Valentine’s Day, then after you have duped a suitable woman into accepting the date you have to plan it down to the “T” so everything is perfect (and going to turn to shit anyway because you are not perfect and your grand plans will blow up in your face), now you have to check your date for explosive milk jugs? It’s bad enough with all the other things a proper date requires, like hiding the gun where she won’t see it, trying not to say something that will screw you over (you will), and finding a present she will like (you won’t), and now I have to get a bomb sniffing dog.  They’re not cheep and stealing one is not a good idea.  This is insane, it’s hard enough trying not to fuck up a date how the hell do you explain to a girl what you are doing with the dog and why you are making it sniff her sweater puppies?  That’s it, Islam you have a time out.  You are no longer allowed to play with the adults and you get to go to bed without supper.

Really, fuck Valentine’s Day…

The Drunken Valentine’s Day Rant

Ah, Valentine’s Day is almost here, and as usual The Marriage Project has failed miserably with no end in sight so I’m starting my drinking early in the hopes I don’t remember much about the rest of the weekend.

Ranting will commence in 5… 4… 3… 2…

So every other person I know has kids.  I understand the biological imperative to have children but I can’t wrap my head around being forced to deal with someone for 18 to 20 some years, and that’s just the part where you are forced to feed them,  after that you still have to play family.  Granted I might have grown up in the wrong environment considering on my 18th birthday my father told me to move out and gave me an itemized bill (I can’t say I disagree with his methods and it had to have made me a loan officers wet dream, but fucking hell…).  OK to be fair if I ever have kids I would do the same thing.  The thing is that I can’t say I ever want kids but I do know I will eventually need someone who can avenge my death and kids are great for that.  But do I really need to have kids for that?  Could I get the same results if I started a cult or spent more time with my crazier friends?

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I once bought a Gwar CD for a Valentines present to a girl*, yeah I don’t know why I’m single either…

Yes, this band.

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It’s odd, some things stick with you for one reason or another.  I remember meeting a girl and thinking she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.  The thing is I have seen girls that I thought that about before and as time goes on I have seen that while they aren’t unattractive they don’t hold up to what I though they where at the time.  A woman you thought at the time was the highest thing you ever saw was nothing to what you would meet later, hell you dated better so why was it so great then?  Youth, stupidity, who knows it doesn’t really matter, people look through prisms no matter what, the past seems better or the present looks magical when it’s not, we see what we want to see and regret what we what to regret.  In this case however it holds up, she still is the  Helen of Troy to my Attila the Hun or Sid Vicious.  Yeah the historical reference doesn’t match up but it makes sense if you know me.  It’s odd, I don’t remember people well, names I forget as people give them to me, faces I’m better with but not by much, but that face sticks out, that one I remember.  Maybe I’m a closet romantic trapped in the body and mind of a cynical hate filled bastard but what am I going to do?  This isn’t a movie, there are no happy endings and I missed my chance (not that I had one at the time, but I could have tried a little more than I did, or tried at all).  The sad thing is that if I ever see that face again I know I will fuck the whole thing up.  I will either say nothing and hide or in some gloriously stupid (and probably drunk) move ask the girl’s hand in marriage.  This can’t possible end well.  For that Angel is not for me, I doubt any really are, but even if there was hope, I can guarantee I will find a way to destroy it.  because that’s what I’m good at, being an asshole, a drunk and a bastard.  It’s comforting when you can accept your faults (the few I have).

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So I hate Valentines day, it’s not that I don’t have a date, I always do.  Well I consider Red Stripe beer and Johnny Walker a date (something that might be the reason I don’t have one that is another person) but it’s not like I’m lonely, just drunk.  I hate it because even if I have a date that isn’t a copious amount of alcohol it’s still a fuck of a holiday.  Really, somehow if I don’t find some way to create the perfect romantic evening (something that is not possible since perfection is not something found on this planet) I have failed as a boyfriend/lover/husband/whatever and not only have I failed at that but as a human being.  Fuck You Hallmark, fuck you all!  It the same reason marriages fail, because people are told that they are supposed to be some perfect thing, Princess Peach and her Prince Charming, and all that bullshit.  What ever happened to finding the person you didn’t kill in their sleep because of your constant presence, someone that would deal with your shit without poisoning your food?  That way eventually when it came to your natural time neither one of you would have die alone.   I’m not talking about murder suicides here so put down the gun and try to relax a bit.  Yeah it’s not a fairy tale but at least it’s realistic.  Too many movies I guess and the closest a movie ever got to love in the real world was Casablanca and Leaving Los Vegas, and who wants to use those as their standards?  Everyone wants to use some bullshit fantasy as their version of chasing the dragon, fuck that I’ll stick with booze, at least that way I’m honest.  Alone, probably drunk, but honest…

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My dad once tried to explain women to me, mind you he was an electrical engineer, but what he said made sense and still does, even my mother agreed.

“Women have 16 circuits but only 12 wires”.

Now for people who don’t get the joke, because you are stupid – or not a nerd – that would mean that at any given time 4 things are not connected.  For people who still don’t get it, fuck you.

My Mom might have only have had 8 wires, but that’s another rant, or well it won’t be, since I know it won’t happen.

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I have heard people say that to find a good woman you need to find one at church, they might be right, but how many good church going women want to many someone like me?

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Does love really exist other than a figment of man’s mind?  I question that.  I understand in a philosophical sense you can love something.  Like a pet, a good beer, a Misfits album or maybe your family. But aren’t you supposed to love your family?  It’s like a requirement, you say you love them, you tell yourself you do because if you don’t some little socially constructed voice in your head tells you that you’re going to hell if you don’t. But back in the real world when you hope God isn’t paying attention you kind of hate them a bit.  All that aside is love an idea or an emotion, does the fact that it is an idea turn it into an emotion when believed strongly enough?  When it all comes down to it I guess I could believe in love on some level, I can believe in insanity and love is just like insanity, only less real and more likely to kill people.

It doesn’t have to happen this way, it really does not, and you could help.  Please click here for details.

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Anyhoo, fuck you Valentines day, fuck you!

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*  Editors Note:  The day after this was posted the girl in question randomly sent a friend request on Facebook.  It’s been 13 years, God has a sense of humor.

The Broken Angel

Some things are worth dying for, some things are not, but men are stupid, we will die for a lot of things stupid or not.  Women are one of them.  There is a certain look in a woman’s eyes that have led men to their deaths for centuries. I can’t really explain it well, I have seen it, the look, the look that will send you to your death.  It will disarm you, disarm your senses and put you under the control of something you could never hope to explain, even if you could understand it.  Some women are truly evil, they have learned to fake that look.  They learned how to act out the part for their own needs and for that they would destroy you only for themselves.  But I’m not talking now about Succubi, I’m talking about Angels.  The Angel, in them we look for something better.  In the Angel, we know there is a higher being out there waiting for us, we truly know she exists.  That’s why we don’t give up, we don’t let the false realities kill us because we know there is something more, something better.  As if we are guided by something like faith, we keep looking for our Angels.

It’s not the highest beauty that does it – as people would think – since we think about how Helen was brought to Troy by her beloved, and roused the world to fight leading to Troy’s destruction.  It didn’t work as how you think.  Men will do stupid things for a woman, and they will do really stupid things for a beautiful woman, but that’s not enough to cause the destruction of nations, that’s not enough for thousands of men to murder each other on a mass scale.  It’s the naive innocence in some women’s eyes that can destroy men and counties, for Helen was young and Paris she loved, and he in his infinite wisdom would doom his country, but they would have thrown her over the walls at the sight of the first Greek ship on the horizon if in wasn’t for the concept of a glimmer, of a higher ideal.  For Paris was trying to save her from a life she didn’t deserve.  A life as the wife of a bastard, forced for political reasons to be in bondage to one whom she didn’t love.  So Paris, young and stupid had to save her and brought destruction.  While yes, Helen was attractive, that doesn’t matter, a pretty girl can cause a bar fight, that is all.  There is a certain kind of woman who can cause the truly stupid, the real sacrifice, the most destruction, for men – and I mean real men – are to a point, always looking for an angel, an angel on Earth, but it’s always broken.  For she is an angel, an angel in chains, and someone needs to break them, to free her from bondage. An angel, broken and bound.  Men cannot abide long while knowing that exists.

The Broken Angel, because Angels don’t live here, but we want them too.  That’s why they are broken, but to us they are Angels and when we think we have found one, even God cannot stop us from the fall, to stop us from trying to save them.  Women can make a man stupid, but a certain kind can make them insane, because she is his angel, she is broken and destroyed but inside she is pure even when she for everything else is not.  She is pure, or can be, she will be, and we will save her.  We need to be there, as a savior.   It’s the stories of our youth, the noble cowboy, the samurai, the knight, always on a horse, always there to save the day.  Always there, ready, riding in when it makes the least sense except in stories, where it always does.  Always there to save the girl, our Angel, who in all cases represented purity no matter what.  Even later as the world got cynical and tried to give up, she still was the Angel, only today it’s the Broken Angel, as we are the Broken Saints, for we know we aren’t the pure, but we are still trying to search for our meaning, and we see those eyes and we want to be The Savior.  The Martyr.  Not for God, since most have long abandoned that, but we haven’t abandoned the Angels,  and to us an Angel is a doe eyed girl in trouble and there is something bred into us that forces against all logic and the concept of self to rush in and fight.  We do it for children too, because we see innocence, and something hasn’t quite died yet in us.  We die for them because they are to us the Cherubim, we cannot let them see harm.  No matter how terrible we see ourselves – because it’s the last thing left of our humanity – we cannot let them see the world.  We do it for them on only one level while the Broken Angels we do it on two.  While there may not be much left in us but foolish pride there is still the spark in us.   The idea that we are a Savior, Samurai, Cowboy, or Knight.  Glorification, as if the Elysian Fields are real.  That’s our destiny, as if that will be our eternal home.  We save the Cherubim because we know we have too, because it’s right.  We save the Angel because of love, not the romantic idea of love, for  half of the time we know it’s not possible on the Angel’s part, but for a love of the idea of the Angel, the other idea of the romantic.  The Goddess must be saved and not just because it’s right, it’s the ideal that you must save, the ideal you must defend. It’s all just words and ideas but it’s OK.  Ideals can’t always be broken down into words and even when you have them words don’t always give you the ability to express everything you mean.  We can come close but nothing can really explain the workings of idealism, the higher purpose and human stupidity.

Dreams are the lies we tell ourselves so we don’t give up.   So we don’t cry ourselves to sleep every night or eat the end of our guns.   It’s the reason we wake up in the morning and give it another go.  The sweetest lies are the dreams of mankind, but the sweetest dreams are the most dangerous for the sweetest lies are the most destructive.  All the things they say men dream of, fame, glory, honor, aren’t that important and that’s not what is at the bottom of it all.  Some can stick to that though, they are lucky, shallow, but lucky in their inability to see what is below.   Something that can drag them down.  Yes the others can drag them down, but the others you can walk away from, they are simple traps and easy to escape, it’s the dreams brought on by the Angels that will bind them and destroy them.  For many there is something else they are really dreaming of, their Angels, not just that, but being her savior, for our Angels are different but the concept and the struggle is the same.  Sometimes we win, sometimes thousand of us are slaughtered for nothing but some silly idea but we still look for our Angels.

Angels might not exist in the theological sense – it does not matter – to us even if they don’t we will make them exist here, we need to believe they exist.  We are kind of stupid that way.

Ranting, politics, slavery and no llamas

islam catIt’s been awhile since I had a good rant so here goes.

With all the crap people talked about Bush for not being able to speak very well has anyone noticed Obama, the Great Orator’s inability to speak without a teleprompter? Really it’s not that Obama is a good speaker it’s just that he is really good at reading out loud.  Ever hear the guy without one?  He can’t even string enough words together to make a sentence, at least Bush could do that, yeah Bush might mangle a word here and there but he could at least complete a sentence without saying Um, Uhh, Huh, and Aaaa, every second!  It’s like watching a ventriloquists dummy up there and the Teleprompter has it’s hand up the guys ass!  Hell the only complete sentence I have ever heard from Obama that wasn’t from a teleprompter, he was making fun of the Special Olympics,  I bet Mr. Teleprompter won’t make that mistake again, letting his dummy run off without him.

Speaking of Obama I know I talked about the idiocy of his gifts of DVD’s that don’t work in England to Brown, but what the hell is up with his gift to the Queen?  Really an iPod might be a nice gift, assuming the Queen doesn’t already have one, but who the hell wants an iPod filled with Obama speeches and Show Tunes?  Really leaving aside how annoying show tunes are, how big does your ego have to be to think someone really wants several hours of you talking as a gift? It’s not the same as Ozzie or The Clash giving you a special box set of all their recording, but that is music it makes sense.  But giving someone a gift of just them talking for hours?  I’d punch my own mother if she gave me something like that as a gift.  Maybe the Queen likes Show Tunes and if she does fair enough, but  Obama Speeches?

I have a question for the media, at what point will you even try to fake like you are journalists long enough to even pretend to ask Obammers a tough question?  Or even a real one at that?  Seriously folks Obama’s sperm is not going to cure cancer so what don’t you guys stop drinking the shit long enough to do your jobs.  Even Pravda would have been ashamed watching you guys.  Last time I watched MSNBC I could have sworn that they had resurrected Walter Duranty from the grave to cover Obama.  I’m joking, Walter Duranty might have been on the Soviet payroll and spent all his time printing lies and propaganda for the USSR, but he was still better than Keith Olbermann, a man whose only contribution to Journalism is his ability to be everything that wrong with it at the same time, most journalists only have some of the problem traits, Olbermann has them all, and relishes in them.  It’s as if someone had pulled one of the brain dead freaks from the Daily Kos out of their mother’s basement, forced them to shower and put them on TV.

I refuse to feel guilty about living, I refuse to feel guilty about the things in my life that make it better than other peoples lives, at the same time I refuse to be envious over the lives of those who have it better than me.  Envy it can be said is one of the causes of all the worlds problems, one country looks at another and rather than emulating the things that make it better they invade it.  Politicians use envy to get elected and than steal money from one group to give it to another in order to maintain power.  There are entire political philosophies based on Envy and their track record can be summed up in two things, Oppression and Mass-murder.  There is a reason the 10th Commandment is about the evils of envy.  God knew it wasn’t a good thing, so bad in fact he made it a sin.

As P.J. O’Rourke said:

“The Bible might seem to be a strange place to be doing economic research, but I have been thinking, from a political economy point of view, about the Tenth Commandment. Now the first nine commandments concern theological principles–thou shall not steal and kill and so forth. Fair enough. Then there’s the Tenth Commandment: “Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s wife. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.” I mean, here are God’s basic rules for how we should live, a very brief list of sacred obligations and solemn moral precepts, and right at the end of it is: “Don’t envy your buddy his cow.” What is that doing there? Why would God, with just 10 things to tell Moses, choose jealousy about the stuff the guy next door has? Well, think about how important to the well-being of a community that commandment actually is. What that commandment says is that if you want a donkey, if you want a pot roast, if you want a cleaning lady, don’t bitch about it, go get your own!

The Bible might seem to be a strange place to be doing economic research, but I have been thinking, from a political economy point of view, about the Tenth Commandment. Now the first nine commandments concern theological principles–thou shall not steal and kill and so forth. Fair enough. Then there’s the Tenth Commandment: “Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s wife. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s house, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor anything that is thy neighbor’s.” I mean, here are God’s basic rules for how we should live, a very brief list of sacred obligations and solemn moral precepts, and right at the end of it is: “Don’t envy your buddy his cow.” What is that doing there? Why would God, with just 10 things to tell Moses, choose jealousy about the stuff the guy next door has? Well, think about how important to the well-being of a community that commandment actually is. What that commandment says is that if you want a donkey, if you want a pot roast, if you want a cleaning lady, don’t bitch about it, go get your own!

The Tenth Commandment sends a message to socialists, to collectivists, to people who believe that wealth is best obtained by redistribution, and that message is clear and concise: Go to hell! It’s as simple as that.”

Speaking of the wisdom from the Bible, I have an excerpt from, 1 Samuel Chapter 8:

10 And Samuel told all the words of the LORD unto the people that asked of him a king.

11 And he said, This will be the manner of the king that shall reign over you: He will take your sons, and appoint them for himself, for his chariots, and to be his horsemen; and some shall run before his chariots.

12 And he will appoint him captains over thousands, and captains over fifties; and will set them to ear his ground, and to reap his harvest, and to make his instruments of war, and instruments of his chariots.

13 And he will take your daughters to be confectionaries, and to be cooks, and to be bakers.

14 And he will take your fields, and your vineyards, and your oliveyards, even the best of them, and give them to his servants.

15 And he will take the tenth of your seed, and of your vineyards, and give to his officers, and to his servants.

16 And he will take your menservants, and your maidservants, and your goodliest young men, and your asses, and put them to his work.

17 He will take the tenth of your sheep: and ye shall be his servants.

18 And ye shall cry out in that day because of your king which ye shall have chosen you; and the LORD will not hear you in that day.

God told the Israelites that they would not want a King because not only would he take their sons and daughters but he would take 10% of everything they owned or produced.  And how much does our government take from use now?  35-45%, maybe more if you look into the cost of all the hidden taxes the government has.  God thought it was bad for the government – in this case a king – to take 10% and warned against it but we let our government take so much more than that, and we wonder why people are throwing tea into our rivers.  God thought wealth redistribution was wrong and told us so over 3000 years ago, yet we don’t listen.  Even if you aren’t religious or of some other religion it’s something to think about. As Thomas Paine once said “Government, even in its best state, is but a necessary evil; in its worst state, an intolerable one.”

OK enough religion for the day.  Moving on…

I refuse to apologize for the actions of my ancestors nor feel guilty by them.  My ancestors have done nothing that others have not done, while the concept of original sin may sound nice in biblical theories, there is no such thing as original sin in the random chance of birth or genetics.  I refuse to feel guilt over something that I, not only did not do, but would not have done.  I am my own person, I am not a Crayola color.  For every sin thrown down at the feet of my forefathers yours as well, have been guilty.  Each man is born and each man will live, it is for him alone that he must carry his sins upon the world, as each man must do.  To condemn  a man and force him to carry the sins of another is the greatest travesty one could commit, for it destroys the highest gift that a man has been given, his individuality, it destroys the Self.  Original Sin is a joke, in the biblical accounts he gave the Tree of Knowledge and let man make his own choice, the choice was the  blissful ignorance of a common dog or free will, and he wanted you to pick free will, but you had to pay for it.  That was the bargain, you can have it but you must also be forced to carry the responsibility for it.  This responsibility rests within each man, you must carry your own burden, even the only  Son, God in the flesh did not die to lift responsibility from your shoulders, but in order that you may find redemption, it was a confession on the world stage, it was to say that you have been forgiven for your sins so that you could move on and sin no more, but you must still be responsible for your new sins, you must repent of your old sins and sin no longer.  But even if you take the idea of Original Sin, it is, and always will be inherent in all mankind not specific genetic lines.  I’m not trying to preach here, I am not a shepherd,  nor do I want the burden of such a man, I am just explaining the facts, or this aspect of one theology.  My point is it is your life and what matters is what you do with it, just as it is the other persons life and it is what they do with their own life that matters.  To carry the burdens and sins of another is slavery. I can carry the broken man home, but I cannot and will not carry his transgressions for him. wtf

OK, so maybe there was bit more religion in there, moving on.

Relationships are fun, I especially like the ones with an expiration date, it takes all the guess work out of when it will end, and they have a tendency to end on slightly better terms.  Starting a relationship with phrases like this “Well, we like each other, and have a good time but I’m moving out of the country in 5 months… so we can’t get too serious…” are the best pick up lines ever, OK it should never work but it does, I have no idea why, maybe people are just drawn to fatalism.  Granted you actually have to move out of the country in 5 months so don’t try it unless you are fully committed to the process.  I think I move to much, I should work on that…  Anyhoo, I guess there is something romantic about a relationship that can never last, stories about the summers love, stories where inevitably one of the lovers ends up dead.   I don’t even remember the last time I saw a Korean movie where one of the lovers didn’t end up dead, even in the comedies.  Japan is also quite good at this in their dramas, however their comedies don’t end with someone dead, unless it’s for comedic purposes.   Unlike Korean films that seem to always have some sort of fatalistic strain.  Maybe it’s the fact they have looked at the DMZ one too many times.  I don’t know.  Anyway, I think the beauty in a doomed romance, it is that people don’t have to think about what happens afterwards, it’s easier to have two lovers fall  for each other in the perfect concept of love and ones dies, rather than have to think about the next thirty years of their marriage and whatever happens there, boredom, children, PTA meetings and all.  Or maybe for good drama someone just has to die?   What do I know about love anyway, I know about hate, beer, large-caliber handguns and saltwater fish. Love, well, not my best subject.  To me all marriage seems to be is finding that one truly special person that you can spend the rest of your life with, it’s really just a nice way of saying she’s either pregnant or you don’t want to die alone and you have found the one person on the planet that wont eventually drive you to a murder suicide or kill you in your sleep.

There’s probably a reason I’m single I just don’t know what it is…

I was reading an article by Fred Siegel and I really liked this on paragraph, especially the end really says everything you need to know about progressive thought.

“The contributors to Civilization in the United States, some of whom were Harvard men soon to become self-imposed exiles in France, were driven by resentment. The so-called “lost generation,” explained Malcolm Cowley, was “extremely class conscious.” They went to Europe “to free themselves from organized stupidity, to win their deserved place in the hierarchy of intellect.” They felt that their status in America’s business culture was, given their obviously exceptional intelligence and extraordinary talent, grossly inadequate. Their simmering anger at what they saw as the mediocrity of democratic life, led them to pioneer the now commonplace stance of blaming society for their personal failings. Animated by a version of the aristocratic spirit, they found the leveling egalitarianism of the United States an insult to their sense of self-importance.”

More from P.J. O’Rourke:

“The second item in the liberal creed, after self-righteousness, is unaccountability. Liberals have invented whole college majors— psychology, sociology, women’s studies— to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault. No one is fond of taking responsibility for his actions, but consider how much you’d have to hate free will to come up with a political platform that advocates killing unborn babies but not convicted murderers. A callous pragmatist might favor abortion and capital punishment. A devout Christian would sanction neither. But it takes years of therapy to arrive at the liberal view.”

I once read an entire college textbook on Cultural Anthropology in one day, I still don’t know why, the entire thing was a political tract the  scientific textbook I thought it would be.  In order to “prove” a certain thing wasn’t abnormal they would find one culture, who amounted to no more than 100 people at most, and whose society lasted for no more than a century at the longest, in the whole history of humanity that practiced it.  See it’s not abnormal.  RIGHT…  I have often said, although maybe not in this blog, that Sociology is 90% bullshit, maybe it’s only 80% but that’s not the point, Cultural Anthropology is however 99.9999999% bullshit.  It’s not a science it’s a political philosophy pretending to be a science.  Look people, just because 5 freaks in a desert someplace 2000 years go worshiped hermaphrodites does not make it normal, understand?  It’s just five lunatics in a desert, that’s all.

Anyway I’m done so I will leave you a picture of a loving Palestinian mother and her son.

potential-demotivational-poster1

It was going to happen so why not have fun with it!!!

Finding dates on the internets can be a silly thing.  Very silly or maybe even traumatic at times just try looking under the personals in craigslist and you will know what flavor of hell I am talking about.  No I would not try to find a date on there but I did have to check it out to see the train wreck of human interaction that it is.

I did however try some sites in an experiment and didn’t get a very good result such as eharmony telling me I would die alone or the epic failure of The Marriage Project on this little pit stain of the interwebs.  There is a lot of fun in the digital dating world such as Match.com the place notorious for Nigerian money scams and general douchebaggery.  There is Adult Friend Finder a place that I think is nothing more then perverts looking to spread syphilis and show close ups of their various pubic regions.  Then there is always hundreds of “Mail Order Bride” sites dedicated to getting lonely people desperate women from third world shit holes green cards.

To say the least when Newton Minow called TV a “Vast Wasteland” he had yet to experience the great atrocity of the internets.  That is not to say that TV isn’t a wasteland a few exceptions of course but the internets is a much larger place, filled with perversion, lies, hate, idiocy, pointless arguments and other such shit (like high school with more porn and less shootings).   Take Facebook where you post pictures of yourself doing drugs and acting like an ass so your future employers can understand why they don’t want hire you.  If that’s not good enough for you there is always The Daily Kos because someone has to make /b/tards look classy and intelligent (please don’t hurt me Anonymous I hate Scientology too).  Granted there are a lot of wonderful things on the Interweb such as Cracked, free Tetris, news and commentary sites like NRO or Slate,  and well Letters To a Dying Dream (shameless plug bitches).  There is Youtube a mix of shit and goodness.  You can watch the debates or a good music video or some useless asshole bitch about politics like he has anything intelligent to say when he doesn’t (thanks P. Diddy).

OK look I spend more time on the internets then maybe I should so I can’t talk that much shit but it does give people a place where people can be the biggest assholes on the planet and forget all concepts of decency (Daily Kos).  It’s good and bad but you can get more truth out of it then you think.

Anywhoo back to the point if there ever was one.  Internet dating.  Since the internets is filled with everything you can possibly want or think of (and some things you wish didn’t exist) I can find things. Many things.  What you ask did I find?  I found the best dating site ever!  Why is it the best?  Because I find it funny as hell that’s why!  And what is this magical and wonderful place?  Well kids it’s called Otaku Booty!  Yes Otakubooty.com a place where all the freaks can find a date, well might find a date. Some people couldn’t even get laid in Thailand a place where 5$ can get you anything you want (plus herpes from a underage transvestite you thought was a girl), but we aren’t talking about that kind of degeneracy.  It’s Otakubooty (I love the name) a place where the Nerds, Geeks, Otaku, fan Boys, Freaks, NEETs, Fan Girls, Hikikomori, and Dorks can interface and chat up one another.  Yes a place for the lonely freaks to find other lonely freaks to talk to.  And since most of these people haven’t been inside a pussy since they dropped out of one they are defiantly cleaner then the fucks over at Adult Friend finder (cleaner in the STD world not the bathing world although I’m sure some of them do shower daily).  Why do I talk about this rather then say the VP debates right now?  One because because I don’t have a TV so can’t watch it and will see it this weekend on Youtube (or parts since I might just give up like on the last one) and two since this is more important (since constitutionally the VP’s only job is casting the deciding vote in the event of a tie and siting around doing nothing until the event of the death of the president).  Really though if you don’t know where everyone stands by now you haven’t been paying attention (do I lie?).

Yes caring about Otaku dating websites is the most important thing we can care about at this very moment! Especially since we really need to finally get them out of the Maid Cafe’s and it’s not like we can change anything in this world right now anyway.  Really think about it, you can’t solve shit and you know it!  If your stupid hippie ass could fix shit smoking pot, not showering and having a drum circle don’t you think it might have done so by now?  Do I lie?  You have tried the same shit for forty years and it got us where? Smelly assholes, pointless unintelligent ranting and crappy jam bands (try to listen to Phish or the Grateful dead sober and even pretend they don’t suck a fat one).

Oh the point… There was one right?  Oh yeah nerd dating sites are awesome!  I can’t say they are better then the other dating sites but really these are at least fun.  I might have to do another experiment and try it out just to see if how fun it can be.  It’s not like the other ones are any better anyway and at least this place won’t judge me on my thing for Anime, bad Yakuza and zombie films and my obsession with Tetris.

What I am really trying to say is this:

You might finally score that Asian girl you have been thinking about nerdboy  (maybe but I can’t say it will be a cute one or really a girl, and lets face it many of you are hopeless since rolling a twenty is not going to get you laid but it will help you kill the Tentacle Rape Monster in Henti D&D).

In the end all I have to say is Eat Me!

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