I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back.  I know how much you all missed me.   I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night.   I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant.  So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot.   I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies?  You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided.   The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it.  Why is that?  Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff.  Really?  Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents.  He is a good guy to say the least.  If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it.  Fuck him.  OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again.  By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news.  A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West.   It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S.  did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit.  Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S.   Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone.  Remember Iraq?  The countries government was destroyed in weeks.  Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army.  You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied.  Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch.  I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels.  Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side.  And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”.  Fucking hell people are crazy.  I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well…  You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks.  Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA.  Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly.  I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary?  They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines.  There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway.  Come the fuck on people!  We all know who the problem is.  It’s pissed off Moslems.  Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat.  Pissed off Moslems.   I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes?  Like pissed off Moslems?  Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes.   Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers.  Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it.  All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships.  If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me.  Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked?  I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it.   Really I just want to thank you for that.  I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs.  Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance.  Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know.  Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know).   They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem.  Plus they just need too.  It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense.  I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense.  The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about.  They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children.  Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it.  They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time.  Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense.  It’s a joke.  Stop it.  It’s not 1946 anymore.  Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages?  I don’t get it?  You’re from Poland or Japan!  I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account.  I have a regular email address people can use.  I really do not know what the point of most of it is.  Especially the status updates.  Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store.  It’s like the height of vapid egotism.  I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend.  I get the invitations to events.  But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid.  Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album?  I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money.  Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong?  I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on.  One time it was just all jumbled up.  This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews.   It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel.  The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero.  What the fuck!  I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic?  It’s treason you shitheads.  Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country?  We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50.  We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo.  Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them.  So much for free speech I guess.  It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you.  I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains.  Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”.  Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”.  Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow.  Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up.  It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

And here is a funny ass video I found on Because No One Asked.

I know what cat tastes like.  I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting?  You eat things like shrimp and crab right?  You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach.  But cat is gross?

Food

Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats.  OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011.   5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English.  It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome?  Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity.  So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters.  Why?  Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them.  Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too?  Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves?  To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook.  Why would you poke someone.  It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people?  At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something.  With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”.  But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them.  They need a punch button.  You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later.  I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7.  It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close.  Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow.  You need to be there for me guys.  You know I love you…

Hmm…  Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason.  Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask?  Well because I pick on everything.  That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account.  I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.

 

Wait I might have spoke too soon…  Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars.  Why do you fucks make me do this?  And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too?  God how I hate you all…  First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so.  I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake!   So why am I talking about it?  Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show.  Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it.  Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was.  Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing.  OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there.  IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING.   AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT?  Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important.  More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people.  Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII?  Seriously you need to get your priorities strait.  Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life.  It’s not fucking important.  The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important.  The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important.  Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East.   If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place.  The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too.  Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”.  I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though.  And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas.  Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects.  I always hated it because of Christmas music.  Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying.  You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait.  I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already.  Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit.  My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off.  On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God.  You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything?  You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way.  I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk.   Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity…  This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus…  I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid.  As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims.  At least this guy did commit a crime.  I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder.  Fuck you Iran, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

I hate it here…

Happy VD day, and yes sometimes it really does end up as “VD” day.”

valentines day

Fuck Valentine's Day

zv

For more fun today try here and here.

It was going to happen so why not have fun with it!!!

Finding dates on the internets can be a silly thing.  Very silly or maybe even traumatic at times just try looking under the personals in craigslist and you will know what flavor of hell I am talking about.  No I would not try to find a date on there but I did have to check it out to see the train wreck of human interaction that it is.

I did however try some sites in an experiment and didn’t get a very good result such as eharmony telling me I would die alone or the epic failure of The Marriage Project on this little pit stain of the interwebs.  There is a lot of fun in the digital dating world such as Match.com the place notorious for Nigerian money scams and general douchebaggery.  There is Adult Friend Finder a place that I think is nothing more then perverts looking to spread syphilis and show close ups of their various pubic regions.  Then there is always hundreds of “Mail Order Bride” sites dedicated to getting lonely people desperate women from third world shit holes green cards.

To say the least when Newton Minow called TV a “Vast Wasteland” he had yet to experience the great atrocity of the internets.  That is not to say that TV isn’t a wasteland a few exceptions of course but the internets is a much larger place, filled with perversion, lies, hate, idiocy, pointless arguments and other such shit (like high school with more porn and less shootings).   Take Facebook where you post pictures of yourself doing drugs and acting like an ass so your future employers can understand why they don’t want hire you.  If that’s not good enough for you there is always The Daily Kos because someone has to make /b/tards look classy and intelligent (please don’t hurt me Anonymous I hate Scientology too).  Granted there are a lot of wonderful things on the Interweb such as Cracked, free Tetris, news and commentary sites like NRO or Slate,  and well Letters To a Dying Dream (shameless plug bitches).  There is Youtube a mix of shit and goodness.  You can watch the debates or a good music video or some useless asshole bitch about politics like he has anything intelligent to say when he doesn’t (thanks P. Diddy).

OK look I spend more time on the internets then maybe I should so I can’t talk that much shit but it does give people a place where people can be the biggest assholes on the planet and forget all concepts of decency (Daily Kos).  It’s good and bad but you can get more truth out of it then you think.

Anywhoo back to the point if there ever was one.  Internet dating.  Since the internets is filled with everything you can possibly want or think of (and some things you wish didn’t exist) I can find things. Many things.  What you ask did I find?  I found the best dating site ever!  Why is it the best?  Because I find it funny as hell that’s why!  And what is this magical and wonderful place?  Well kids it’s called Otaku Booty!  Yes Otakubooty.com a place where all the freaks can find a date, well might find a date. Some people couldn’t even get laid in Thailand a place where 5$ can get you anything you want (plus herpes from a underage transvestite you thought was a girl), but we aren’t talking about that kind of degeneracy.  It’s Otakubooty (I love the name) a place where the Nerds, Geeks, Otaku, fan Boys, Freaks, NEETs, Fan Girls, Hikikomori, and Dorks can interface and chat up one another.  Yes a place for the lonely freaks to find other lonely freaks to talk to.  And since most of these people haven’t been inside a pussy since they dropped out of one they are defiantly cleaner then the fucks over at Adult Friend finder (cleaner in the STD world not the bathing world although I’m sure some of them do shower daily).  Why do I talk about this rather then say the VP debates right now?  One because because I don’t have a TV so can’t watch it and will see it this weekend on Youtube (or parts since I might just give up like on the last one) and two since this is more important (since constitutionally the VP’s only job is casting the deciding vote in the event of a tie and siting around doing nothing until the event of the death of the president).  Really though if you don’t know where everyone stands by now you haven’t been paying attention (do I lie?).

Yes caring about Otaku dating websites is the most important thing we can care about at this very moment! Especially since we really need to finally get them out of the Maid Cafe’s and it’s not like we can change anything in this world right now anyway.  Really think about it, you can’t solve shit and you know it!  If your stupid hippie ass could fix shit smoking pot, not showering and having a drum circle don’t you think it might have done so by now?  Do I lie?  You have tried the same shit for forty years and it got us where? Smelly assholes, pointless unintelligent ranting and crappy jam bands (try to listen to Phish or the Grateful dead sober and even pretend they don’t suck a fat one).

Oh the point… There was one right?  Oh yeah nerd dating sites are awesome!  I can’t say they are better then the other dating sites but really these are at least fun.  I might have to do another experiment and try it out just to see if how fun it can be.  It’s not like the other ones are any better anyway and at least this place won’t judge me on my thing for Anime, bad Yakuza and zombie films and my obsession with Tetris.

What I am really trying to say is this:

You might finally score that Asian girl you have been thinking about nerdboy  (maybe but I can’t say it will be a cute one or really a girl, and lets face it many of you are hopeless since rolling a twenty is not going to get you laid but it will help you kill the Tentacle Rape Monster in Henti D&D).

In the end all I have to say is Eat Me!

eHarmony Told Me I Would Die Alone.

Nihon Hikikomori Kyokai

Nihon Hikikomori Kyokai

So I decided to do an experiment to see what eHarmony would give me after I did the whole survey to see the “key dimensions of personality that predicted compatibility and the potential for long-term relationship success.” and other nonsense. Well guess what my results where from these people?

“Sorry unable to match you”

and the fun little explanation:

“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

So complex you couldn’t find shit? maybe make it a little bit simpler so I got a chance? Like “Well these Freaks might be close enough so have fun”.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Read as “You are such a loser science can’t even help you”.


Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

Yes apparently even though I put in parameters so that it would take people from at least 60 countries covering well over 2 billion woman on the planet I am not compatible with a single one of them, and my mom still keeps asking me when I’m going to get married. I’m just happy that they were at least nice enough not to just come right out and tell me I was going to die alone, but they really didn’t need to I guess, I got the point. I wonder if I try again and lie my ass off will I get a better result?

They also give you a free personality profile that was interestingly enough fairly accurate, and I think made me look better then I might really be. It did say quite a few nice things, people don’t usually say nice things about me, so I guess that’s a plus…

1 person out of 2 billion women? Not one, ONE FUCKING PERSON? eHarmony is a bunch of rat bastards. I bet they are going to just flood my inbox with spam from porn sites and call girls since they might guess that might be my only hope at this point according to them.

Fuck you internets, fuck you!

UPDATE: So I redid the survey and lied my happy ass off then set the parameters to cover the entire world this time to see what I would get.

Guess what I got?

Nothing, still nothing.  I can’t even lie to people on the Internets properly, and that’s what the internets is for!    Well I am going to go drink a beer and beat to death some of those annoying emo kids to make myself feel better.

No I didn’t do that, I just think this is funny.

The Marriage Project.

failed marriage

So since it dawned on me the other day that most of my friends where either getting married or already married I might as well get into the act as well. Now since I don’t usually leave my house to do anything other then go to work, get more beer, and sometimes kill a hippie or a drifter, I figured my best hope would be to take applications on my hate speech…. sorry web site.

Fist my good points:

1. I am gainfully employed.
2. I have never been convicted of a crime that involved, Murder, farm animals, rape, or grave robbing.
3. I have never had sex with Paris Hilton.
4. I am occasionally sober.
5. I can sit through a “chick-flick” as long as I get to treat it like Mystery Theater 3000.
6. I have invented over 500 new curse words.
7. I don’t own a T.V. so I might pay attention to you.
8. I know how to properly cook dog meat.
9. I shower daily.
10. I’m not a hippie.
11. I am in no way related to the following people, Al Gore, Hitler, Noam Chomsky, Pol Pot, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, George Lucas, Al Sharpton, David Duke, Brittany Spears, or the cast of “Rent”.
12. I don’t have any communicable diseases.
13. I’m good a drunken Karaoke.
14. I am not a communist (see #1).
15. I have life insurance (I don’t know why since I’m not married).
16. I don’t have any kids and have never been arrested for trying to sell them.
17. I don’t have a Facebook profile.
18. I’m not a vegan and therefore healthy.
19. I have never killed a hooker.
20. I have been told that I am at least moderately attractive, or at least not hideous.
21. I can get you a green card.
22. I do not now or have ever owned a Mariah Carey CD.
22. I will never ask for anal sex for either me or you.
23. I have seen the inside of a gym and sometimes do things there..
24. I promise that I will always put you first. Right after my collection of guns and Misfits records.
25. I know how to make a proper Martini.
26. You aren’t getting any younger and might want to lower you standards a little.
27. I know how to properly dispose of unwanted corpses.
28. I know the correct answer to the question “do these pants make my ass look fat?”.
29. I know the difference between good and bad techno (if it’s techno it’s probably bad).
30. I would be to lazy to kill you for insurance money.

So now that we see all of my fine points her are some of my requests:

1. Lower your standards you aren’t that cute (but I’ll tell you you are to get some).
2. You must hate “performance Art”.
3. Understand that Balzac is the Best Japanese punk band of all time.
4. Have minimal “daddy issues”.
5. Body description cannot include the words twig or marshmallow.
6. Understand some English or be really good at charades.
7. Have a job.
8. Not have track marks.
9. Be able to sit through bad Japanese Yakuza films.
10. Not currently in prison.
11. Not a hippie. must be showered/shaved.
12. Does not listen to emo, pop-punk, the Grateful Dead or Phish.
13. You can be bat-shit insane as long as it’s fun.
14. Must be Japanese.
15. Never mind #14. As long as you are a woman, and not if you got surgery to become a woman. That does not make you a woman, you have an XY chromosome you are a man no matter how many “alterations” you do. So stay the fuck away you freak.
16. Must understand that Budweiser is not beer it’s moose piss and rubbing alcohol.
17. Be able to hold your liquor because if you are going to be married to me you might need it.
So how does this work? First lose most of you self esteem it will make this a whole lot easier on both of us. Second, post things about yourself in the thread on “The Marriage Project” page on my site and we can build a relationship. Third please ask me for money due to some “strange circomstance” so I know you are really some dude from Nigeria trying to rob me. Finally make sure you drink heavily it will make it a lot easier to accept.

LET”S START THE FUN!