A Drunken Rant From My Nuclear Wasteland: Cooking Tips, Pointless Rants, Your Mom, Cheap Obama Jokes And Other Reasons To Rage Against The Dying Of Existentialist Training In Primary School.

I would like to say something about video games and the people who make them.  If you are making a video game and you have a boss fight followed directly by another boss fight with no time in between the two you are a cheap asshole.    People work your way up to the fight give it your all and instead of having the downtime to replace your items, health, ect you go directly into another large fight that you had no idea you would unless you used a cheat guide.    I shouldn’t have to use a cheat guide or a walkthrough in order to play a fucking video game.  Not only that but if you die fighting the second boss guess what you have to fight them both over even if you kicked the first one’s ass.  Fuck you guys, seriously fuck you.

Cheap ass motherfuckers…

OK I have used walkthroughs for games before but that is when I was really stuck on something and wanted a little extra help.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to use them but it is very annoying to make a game you need the thing to play.

I like Tetris…

I don’t know if my heart isn’t in it any more or I found shit to do but I really don’t post on here much anymore do I?  Maybe it is the fact there are only so many Obama Teleprompter jokes you can make before you just don’t care anymore.   You all liked me more when I didn’t have a life didn’t you?   Either that or you are happy I have mostly shut up.   The sad thing is that this post took over a month to write.  It’s not that it took me a month to type this it’s that I would write a little, stop, write some more, stop still not post it because it wasn’t long enough or whatever and stop.  It’s not that bad considering I wrote about 10,000 words for another post in 2008 and keep forgetting to finish it.  Maybe I should go…

Oooo, nachos..

I bought a duck the other day (frozen, not as a pet).  I hadn’t roasted one in a while so I thought it sounded like a good thing to spend a Saturday doing (apart from playing video games and drinking beer, oh lord do I need to get a girlfriend).  On the package was anthropomorphic family of ducks that looked all happy holding hands.  I know that someone thought this was cute and a good way to catch people’s attention so they would think “Oh, look a happy family and since I want my family to be happy I will get this frozen duck for them and my family will all be happy together”.  All I could think was “I’m about to eat one or your children.  I’m not sure why you are smiling I can only assume it’s that you don’t understand someone killed your son and I’m going to shove garlic, onion and some of my famous spiced  butter  where his heart used to be roast the fuck out of him and eat him”.  It’s not like milk.  You have a smiling cow in sunglasses that says “Look at me I’m an awesome cow, and I make awesome milk, here have some and we can party on the milk train”.  This is more like “I can’t feed my family so I will sell you one of my children to make it through the winter.  Please smile mister so the rest of the kids don’t think something is wrong” kind of thing.    Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to become a vegan.  I’m not a big enough of a stupid pretentious asshat for that shit (if you know anything about evolution it was eating meat that helped our brain develop enough to get us out of the flinging our shit at everyone and drinking our own piss stage of development), I just find the whole happy duck family thing on my food funny since I’m about to eat the fuck out of you and I’m not sure why you are smiling.  Maybe it’s just that this is Japan and if it doesn’t have a cartoon on it and it isn’t beer or condoms you don’t buy it.  Is it an Emo duck?  “Woohoo I’m about to die, thank you Mr. I just couldn’t go through with it on my own you helped so much!!!”  Well I know it’s not a Goth duck, they would have been wearing black and have at least fought back unless I told them I was a vampire first…

For people that want to know my famous* spiced butter is really just a strange concoction I use for baking poultry that involves butter, an assortment of random spices (aka at least a pinch of everything on the spice rack but mostly basil and pepper), worcestershire sauce, teriyaki sauce, garlic, beer and sometimes a bit of water.  I also might add hoisin or duck sauce (if it is duck, but not if it is chicken or turkey).  It’s better with the duck sauce (if you use that you use more duck sauce and less butter) but it’s good either way.  You heat this concoction enough to melt the butter and then slather it on everything and inside everything (aka the poultry).  It does not even in the least look or sound like it is edible but oh lord is it good.

I actually cook almost everything with booze.  I use sake instead of the rice wine they make for cooking (I never use cooking wine, too much salt and while I don’t have a problem with salt I’m going to get that someplace else).  A good pasta sauce is always made with a good red wine (usually Chianti or Merlot).  Chili, burritos, shepherd’s pie, beef stew, hamburgers, beer.  My food might drink more than I do.

Well we are on cooking so let’s go with it.  I learned how to cook when I was very young to the point that by the time I was 8 I would make entire meals for the family.  I have always been pretty good at it and enjoy it.  I don’t think I could every do it as a job though.  There are a lot of reasons for that.  When I was younger I made it a point to make the presentation a part of the meal (as you would expect from a chef) but as I got older I cared a lot less about presentation and a lot more for how it tastes.  I can still try to make it look nice but I live alone and unless I have a girlfriend over (and since I don’t have one at the moment) I really don’t care how it looks.  This has led me to invent some very, very tasty dishes that look absolutely horrendous.  One dish is fried potatoes, onions and pork chops cooked in balsamic vinegar and mint (with some other spices in various amounts).  Everything comes out black, it’s good, excellent even but it’s a bit disconcerting.  Another is a recipe for lamb that turns the lamb green because I basically cook it in a concoction that the best way to describe is a mix between mint tea and mint pesto.  A marinade for steak I have turns the entire steak a grayish brown (not matter how rare it is).  You take 2 Guinness, a little garlic, some pepper, a little basil (I put basil in almost everything), a lot of scallions and about a 4th of a cup of sugar (the scallions and sugar are important otherwise it will be bitter) and you marinate the steak in it at least overnight (sometimes 2), pull it out throw it on a grill cooking it to your taste (I like rare or sometimes medium rare), and you eat.  It is good but the color of the meat always looks a little off.  Now people might be thinking “yeah so you like it but you are cooking it for your own tastes, does anyone else like any of this?”  Yes, yes they do.  Even my friend who is a professional chef likes it (although being the asshole he is he will always makes comments about what he would of done, but it is more of a trade thing rather than a complaint about the taste).

Another thing about my cooking is I don’t think any of it is very low in calories.  Thank Vishnu I have a high metabolism or I would be 400 pounds.  To give you an example I have a recipe for hot wings where the sauce is mostly butter and Louisiana Hot Sauce.

Maybe I just like my food weird.  The trick to good BBQ pork ribs is to rub the meat with a little garam masala (or at least a little cinnamon) mixed with a few other more normal things like pepper, onion and garlic salt and a bit of chili powder before you throw it on the grill.  That and while you put the BBQ sauce on in the end you want to char the outside a little.  It sounds wrong but trust me.  A little bit of a crunch on the outside and a lot of juicy rib on the inside and you are golden.   Sometimes I think I get invited to cookouts just because they want me to cook.

Still half of my food looks inedible and my recipes don’t really have any standardized measurements.  It’s more of keep adding things until it tastes right.

I really hate it at work when people expect me to deal with their constant fuck ups.  Lucky for me people have started to realize I am going to hold them to at least the minimum standard they are supposed to be at so they don’t ask me to hook them up or fix their shit anymore.  The problem is that rather than get their shit together they find someone else to try to get me to hook them up for them.  Now I have to explain to the other department managers that “no we do not hook them up, they are incompetent buffoons stop listening to them or being nice to their stupid asses or they will never learn”.    Fuck at least if you tried to talk to my boss and get him to force me to do it, it would be less annoying.  I know why you don’t do this.  Because there is a 505 chance my boss will either give you the same answer I did or tell you to fuck off.  Then there is a 49.9% chance my boss would ask me to do it if I can but not try to demand it and let me tell him I won’t do it (unless I feel nice that day and try to help him out of the bullshit because I have time [5% chance]) , and a .01% chance they will force me to do it no matter what I say (these numbers and percentages hold up even with the one boss that hates my guts).

Speaking of work if I tell you something is not possible.  Such as something needs to get done in the next ten minutes (because you waited till the last minute to turn something in) and the systems required to do it are down (server screw-up, secluded maintenance, act of Vishnu, ect), why do you feel the need to get angry at me for it?  Do you think yelling at me and irritating the ever living fuck out of me is going to make things faster, make the systems (I don’t run only use) get up do a little happy dance and start working?  Do you think I’m going to push everyone else’s shit aside to fix your fuck up, especially considering you want to be rude about it?  I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve never hooked someone up or helped them out.  But those people came to me apologized for the late requests and were humble and nice about it and were understanding about technical difficulties when there were.  They offer to get me lunch, a sixer, something (I never accept this offer but it’s nice to know it’s there).   You on the other hand want to be a dick and act like it is my fault.  Fuck you.

Fuck work.  I spend all day there I don’t need to bitch about it on here.  Well that much anyway…

The world needs more bike lanes. Every street should have them.  Now this isn’t some hippie “save the world, we need more people riding bikes” type crap.  No, it’s because they piss me off.  They need to keep bikes off the road and out of traffic and away from my car.  They also need to keep the things off of sidewalks, people are walking there and since we can’t ban their use altogether to keep the fucking things away from normal people I think we should only allow their use is specially designated areas (preferably in the ocean or an active volcano).  Since you don’t walk in the street and you don’t drive on the sidewalk well you should either have to use a bike lane or go fuck yourself.

Nothing good can ever come from large amounts of alcohol and your ex.

Of all the stupid things that get made into TV shows or movies why has the webcomic Something Positive never been done?  Oh, right people don’t actually like sarcasm as much as I do…


And now a funny video.

“Couldn’t we give them nothing instead and have them hate us for free?”  Oh if only…

Thanks Dr. Bulldog and Ronin

Why does most spam go to the “about” section of this blog?  Really they have some of the best comments that make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Such as:

“I have to voice my affection for your kind-heartedness for men and women who require assistance with this one situation. Your special dedication to getting the solution up and down had become exceptionally beneficial and has in every case made regular people much like me to achieve their aims. Your amazing helpful guidelines entails this much to me and even more to my office workers. Thanks a lot; from everyone of us.”

Does that make any sense?

I just watched Inception.  A lot of people have questions about it but the only real question I have is did Mr. Saito get out?  Also am I the only person that gives a shit?  I might need a life…

Best Super Bowl Commercial:

Speaking of Doritos there was an ad that has the Salsa Verde Doritos.  Are they back?  If they are that is fucking awesome I loved those but then I guess they stopped making them or only selling them in select markets and they were gone.   Woohoo!  Oh, right I live in Japan and they don’t have them out here…  Foiled again, foiled again…  But at least I can get seaweed flavored potato chips…  Seriously do not eat seaweed flavored potato chips.  You will though, you won’t try to but you will see a bag of chips at the store and it will look like sour cream and onion chips (but they’re not) and you aren’t really paying attention because it’s 2am and you are a little drunk and just grabbing shit off the shelves. All you wanted was some sour cream and onion chips (and a hot dog, Pocari Sweat, a tuna sandwich, 5 cans of Yebisu, shrimp flavored chips, chicken on a stick, and well anything your drunken mind decides is food…) and oh god nooooooooooo!

Yeah speaking of the Super Bowl I really want to be angry but it was a good game and the Steelers fucked up.  Lord is it hard to find a place in Japan to watch the thing live.  You can watch it like 7 hours later on some stations but lord is it hard to watch it live.  OK the Steelers lost  but it’s OK they still have more rings.  Although if they did get a seventh I could make a Lord of the Rings joke.  Granted I would have to hope there is enough crossover between Nerds and football fans that anyone would get it but I would still do it anyway.  Of course I could still make a joke since the Packers can now say they’re the Elf Kings but I wanted the Dwarf Lords joke, and I should just stop right now…

In news you may already know they cancelled “Caprica”.  Fuck you guys, seriously fuck you.  Yeah I’m late but I watch things after I can get it or rent it on DVD or Blue-Ray.  If was a good show but the ending was rushed.   Mostly because you fucks cancelled it!

I have recently found out that Bruce Lee was part German.  Apparently his mom was half German.  Is this important?  Not really, but interesting.

Speaking of Bruce Lee I like this quote from him:

“Use only that which works, and take it from any place you can find it”

The greatest thing Metallica ever did was throw Dave Mustaine out of the band.  If they hadn’t we wouldn’t have Megadeth.  It was also the dumbest thing they ever did because really Metallica sucks and hasn’t even pretended to write a good album in 20 years.   Megadeth on the other hand is still one of the greatest bands ever.

So the other day someone broke into a house and then when the owner returned while they were there they get scared and lock themselves in the bathroom and call the police.  Seriously the guy way afraid the owner of the house had a gun and might hurt them so they called the police for help.  The fucked up thing is that the homeowner called the police at the same time so you had one 911 operator talking to the perp and one talking to the victim.  The criminal didn’t even know if the homeowner had a gun he was just afraid they might.  So afraid he called the police (the people going to take him to jail) to save him.   If that isn’t a case for gun ownership I don’t know what is.  I also wish I had been that 911 operator that took the call.  I would have seriously told the guy I hope the homeowner does have a gun and blows his fucking head off right before I hung up.

And now time for something completely different:

The Middle East is burning, I’m trying to care.  Really I hope something good comes out of all the revolutions and protests but it’s been so, so very long that anything good came out of the Middle East that I’m really just not that hopeful over the whole thing.

Radiation levels in Tokyo have recently risen to the level of “Still Not Anywhere Close To What You Got From That X-ray At The Dentist Last Week” (that is the official scientific term for the current levels).  Please continue to freak the fuck out.  I’ll say it like this.  If you spend the entire day outside you will be exposed to the same amount of radiation you get in a 6 hour flight.  You don’t spend 24 hours a day outside and you don’t hear about airline pilots mutating into monsters or dying or radiation poisoning every 5 seconds so please continue to freak the fuck out.

Click to enlarge.

Thank you xkcd

Seriously, nothing good can ever come from large amounts of alcohol and your ex.

I hate it here…

* The use of the word “famous” may or may not be an outright lie.


Further Updates On The Japanese Earthquake And Tsunami And Links To Charity Organizations So You Can Help Out.

I posted the other day on my experience during and immediately after the recent quake and tsunami so I think I will give some further updates.


Right now there are a lot of power problems because right now the area I live in lost about 30% of their electrical producing capacity.  Right now they have scheduled blackouts so they can push more power up north where they need it so we lose power for about 3 hours a day.  That and everyone are being encouraged to use as little power as possible when they do have it.  It’s a minor inconvenience I’m not about to bitch about though.  I am living off of canned and dry goods simply because I am trying to limit the amount of food I have to refrigerate since every day it’s going to shut off for a couple hours.  Some train lines have shut down for the most part and some are only running on 60% of their normal schedules to also help conserve energy and some companies have shut down production or limited production on things that are not immediately necessary for the same reason.   Really it’s not that bad.


And now the melt down scare.  This is not Chernobyl and we are not all going to die.  Yes some radiation has been released.  It’s not that bad.  Right next to the plant it’s not good but it’s not the end of the world.  The media has no idea what they are talking about and are just going nuts on sensationalism to make money.  Yes radiation has been detected Tokyo and Yokohama.  Now let me explain something to you.  Tokyo and Yokohama are not close to the plants that are problems.  We are hundreds of miles away.  And yes we have been hit with radiation from them but not a lot.  The amount of extra radiation (extra because everything and I mean everything has at least some radiation in it) is no more than what you get while on a plane ride from New York to California (about 1000 times less than the amount that gives you radiation poisoning).  X-rays give you a bigger dose.  Yes they told us to try to limit our time outside just to be on the safe side but unfortunately it’s not enough to let me join the X-Men next week.


Now I know why the media doesn’t tell you this.  It’s because they want to sell papers and ad space.  It’s the same reason Three Mile Island was a giant catastrophe even though it didn’t harm anyone.  Chernobyl was bad but we are talking about shitty Soviet workmanship and a bunch of scientists that ignored safety procedures so they could do some experiments while they were bored.  99% of the time what people call a “Melt Down” really just fucks up the plant and costs millions of dollars to fix.  Yes some radiation might leak but considering you got an x-ray last time you went to the dentist you really don’t need to worry that much.


Now the best media sensationalist bullshit is the morons screaming about the radiation being blown on the winds towards California.  With everything I know about California that is the least of you problems.  Even if there was a full the reactor people are worried about blows up into a mushroom cloud and nukes the surrounding areas buy the time the radiation was blown on the winds to Hawaii it would be so dispersed you would barely be able to register it and when it got to California it would still be healthier than the normal air quality of Los Angeles.  So calm the fuck down!


I’m not saying everything is hugs and puppies out here but pull your heads out of your asses and get the facts.  I’m not say something couldn’t happen and it could get really bad but it hasn’t yet and the chances that it does are small.


Anyway even though I may have insulted several people’s intelligence I am still going to ask for everyone’s help.   Please yes there are a lot of problems and there are a lot of people without homes and we need to help so please do.  I am going to give some websites you can go to so you can donate so do it because it you don’t when I finally join the X-Men you don’t want to be on our shit list.


I have some links to the Red Cross and some forums with information about different organizations so you can pick one:


This forum has a lot of different links to chose from.



This one is a Facebook page but there might be information that helps:



American Red Cross.



There also might be organizations you know and trust that you can go with.  My point is don’t just do nothing.  Even a small donation will help.  If every person in America gave one dollar that is 300 million dollars right there.  Add that to people around the world giving what they can and we can make a difference.  Yes I know most people won’t do shit but don’t be that person.  Well I have to go to help conserve electricity (something, believe me, I never thought I would ever say) but I will leave you with this.  Remember while this might not affect you, you know you would hope someone is there to help when you need it.

My Experience With The March 11th, 2011 Earthquake And Tsunami In Japan.

Any regular reader of this blog (all 6 of you) knows I live in Japan in the Tokyo/Yokohama area (about 230 mile away from the quakes epicenter) so I thought I would give my perspective on what happened yesterday.  I’m not going to get into everything you can just read in the news I’m just going to talk about my experience with the whole thing.  Earthquakes are quite common here and I rarely pay any attention to them.  If I am asleep I don’t usually wake up and if I do I go right back to sleep.  They are small or far enough away it doesn’t do much other than rattle a couple things and that is it.  This was a bit different.  I was at work at the time trying to finish up some last minute stuff so I could ditch out early.   It started off small and didn’t seem any worse than the last couple we’ve had here.  Only it kept going for longer than they usually do and kept getting worse and worse.  I work on the 3rd floor of a building (we only have 3 floors) and the building felt like it was swaying.  We have an outside staircase in the back next to my office so I walked outside on the balcony and it really felt like it swaying, almost like as if I was on a small boat out at sea.  At this point a bunch of the people who worked on the third floor started running out of the building and down the steps.  At the time I really didn’t know how bad everything really was so I was laughing at everyone but decided it best to follow along.  Running down the steps was an interesting experience considering the world was moving, I’m really not sure how no one fell over barreling down the steps but no one did.  Once outside in the parking lot I noticed all the cars were shaking and the outdoor pool across the street looked like a wave pool with the water splashing out of it a good 6 feet high.  I really don’t know how long it lasted but it felt like it was about 10 minutes from start to finish but I can’t really say.  Outside the world still felt like we were on a boat and several people spoke about how they were getting dizzy.  Most of the people were kind of laughing at each other and when it was over we all filed back into our offices to go back to work.  My work has a generator so we didn’t lose power or anything so at the time we didn’t know most of the area was blacked out (or when the blackout started).  I think it was about 20 minutes latter (I could be wrong my sense of time is terrible) we got hit with the aftershock.  Unlike the first one this was didn’t start out small but came roaring in strong (not as bad as the initial quake at its peak though).  At this point I said fuck it and shot out of the building strait off telling one of the bosses “Fuck this I’m getting a smoke”, to which he made a joke about how if I was going to die I had the right idea by picking my way out of this world.  Mind you, at this point most people we were in higher spirits than we might have otherwise been in if had we really known what was happening.  This one was kind of short though and after that we filed back into the building and the bosses told everyone to close up and go home considering it was almost the end of the day anyway and many of us had families we should be looking too and we all needed to get home to check our houses.  When I was leaving work was when I noticed the blackout since none of the traffic lights were working.  The drive home was fine other than the traffic lights being out and not enough cops for traffic control.  Surprisingly most people were driving with a lot of caution so it wasn’t that bad.   Traffic wasn’t bad going in my direction but it was miserable going in the other since the trains had all stopped running (something I didn’t know yet) and everyone was trying to pick up their families who would usually use the train to commute.

When I got home I realize that the power was out, I found a flashlight (I didn’t really need it yet but would latter) and checked my house.  I was lucky that nothing fell over other than a small stack of books that may have fallen over a month ago for all I was paying attention.  Other than the power everything was fine at my house so I ran to the small grocery store next to my house to grab some supplies like candles and maybe so food and water.  The water was sold out but the water worked at my house anyway (and I had a stockpile of beer to tide me over) so I bought some instant noodles, canned pasta sauce and some juice.  Although thinking about it now I wish I did get water because I didn’t think about the fact the water lines might be busted and the water might not be drinkable as I later found out many places in the north this had happened.  The store didn’t have candles and I had cracked open a beer during my house investigation (since I might as well drink it while it was still cold) so I could drive anywhere to get any (and the store might be closed anyway).  Just so you know the laws about driving drunk in Japan are so strict that half a beer will put you over the limit for a DUI (something I applaud).   Lucky for me I had a flashlight that I had bought on a whim a couple weeks ago when I was wandering around a hardware store looking for an AC adaptor and enough spare batteries.  Thank you Impulse Buying, I’d be screwed without you.   I tried to call people but my cell wasn’t working I didn’t manage some text messages but it was sporadic and some of them took 3 hours to get to their destination.  I don’t have a landline and I haven’t for years so I don’t know if they were cut in my area but I don’t think they were.

I still didn’t know how bad everything was so I was planning on going out for a few beers since I had nothing to really do at my house after it got dark.  So around 6:30 I walked to the train station hoping it was still running.  On my way I ended up bumping into a group of little old ladies who had ended up lost while looking for the train station.  Now my neighborhood is nothing but very small dark alleyways to begin with but with all the street lights out in was pitch black and I have no idea how many walls they walked into before I found them .  I had a flashlight so I took them to the station although it wasn’t working.  The guy working there said they might have the power on by 7 but it was iffy.  I parted ways since I was going back home and they were going to walk up this main street that we well lit only because of the traffic that was backed up for miles along it with people still trying to pick up their stranded families.  To say the least the lights did not come back on in my neighborhood at 7, although some people a little farther out from me said they got their power back on before the sun went down but most of the areas around Tokyo and Yokohama didn’t have power until much later.

I think there were a couple very small shakes during the night but nothing to write about.  One of the bad things about living in a Japanese house especially an old one is they don’t have insulation and the heat is electric.  It wasn’t that cold at first so I just bundled up and was fine.  I ended up playing acoustic guitar in the dark and drinking beer feeling like a goth redneck until I got tired of that feeling and decided to go for a walk.  I ended up walking about a mile or two down the main road I spoke of earlier and one of my friends in Okinawa called me.  I still could make calls but or get any from people in the area but he was able to get through.  He lives up north near where the earthquake hit and was away on business but his wife was home.  It turned out his place got trashed but nothing of value got broken and with wife was fine and some of the people he works with went and picked her up to take her and the dog to a shelter for the night so she was alright.  However very close to where they live was flooded from the tsunami.  I don’t pay attention to tsunami warnings although sometimes I should since I live about a mile from the ocean because I live in a cove that is protected by two large peninsulas and for the most part wouldn’t have to worry about them.  They did tell us to move to higher ground on the emergency PA systems they have set up everywhere but since none of my neighbors paid any attention to it.  When talking to my friends he told me I didn’t have to worry about the tsunami since by the time he had called it would have gone past my place anyway.  Before I got off the phone I had mentioned to him I was going to end up having to cook instant noodle in the stove since I have a gas stove so I could at least cook dinner by flashlight.  He reminded me of something I didn’t think about and that before I try to cook I better check the gas lines to make sure they were fine.  I told him they should be fine I hadn’t blown up the house when I lit a smoke earlier and we both laughed out asses off.  I was still going to check when I got home though.

Thinking about what he had said while walking home it started to bother me about what really happened and how bad it might have been had it been closer and how bad it might be up north.   Before that I hadn’t really know what was going on so I was in more or less high spirits (if not a little bored) but it was starting to sink in how lucky I was.  I still didn’t really know how bad it was yet but I had a bit of an idea it wasn’t good.

When I got home I checked the stove and was about to boil water for my instant noodle feast when I made an interesting discovery.   I couldn’t fine my tea kettle, I think I might have gotten rid of it at forgot to buy a new one.   So I ended up boiling water in a saucepan by flashlight.  I really wish I had candles.  Anyway dinner cooked I tried to read my flashlight until I got annoyed and went to sleep.  At this point it was starting to get cold and it was not a pleasant night wrapped in every blanket I own.  I think the power came on by two in the morning but I am not really sure since I sort of woke up for it and went right back to sleep without even bothering to turn them off.

Since I had gone to sleep at around 9 I ended up waking up at 5 in the morning and since the power was on I decided to try to get online to see how bad it really was.  I got online and was able to reply to the emails and Facebook posts asking if I was fine and post a message on my Facebook wall I was OK so my friends and family would stop freaking out.  At some point after 5:30-5:40 we had another aftershock and since by that point I had skimmed enough news reports to know it was bad it freaked me out a little and the internets cut off, but the power stayed on and it was only a small tremor.  The internets didn’t start working again for about 3 hours.

So that is about it.   I’m not going to sit around and worry too much, although considering all the time I spend drawing up plans on what to do in the event of a zombie attack I might want to spend a minute or two thinking about natural disasters past the “get beer and wait it out” plan.   Or maybe next time there is a quake I might not roll right over and go back to sleep.  I did buy some candles at the store today though so that is a step in the right direction.  I didn’t bother to find normal candles so they are all the fancy scented kind but who says I can’t ride out a disaster with aromatherapy?

I know I’m making light of everything a bit but it’s easier to do than sit here and get more freaked out than you need to be or let it get you down, and at least I didn’t make any Johnny cash jokes (or does saying that hint at the joke enough to count as a joke?).  It’s one thing to think about these things and tell yourself to get a little bit of a survival kit just in case something were to happen, and everyone should do that.  It’s another thing to dwell on it like it’s going to happen to you tomorrow.  Don’t get me wrong it could and being a little prepared is a good thing but thinking “It could have been me” and getting depressed after every disaster isn’t going to help your mental state.  Telling yourself “these things can happen so I better live life while I have it” however and really going out and doing it is the best thing you can do.  That and when these things do happen volunteer to help out, donate money, food or clothing.  Right now blankets or sleeping bags would probably be good because the power is still out in many places up north and it is cold up there.  If you aren’t in Japan it might be easier to find a charity or relief organization and send money since much of the supplies people need can be bought locally and will get there faster.   If you are religious give a little prayer for the people out there.


UPDATE:   I have posted some links to charity and relief organizations on another post.  Please click here and scroll to the bottom of the post to check them out.

My Drunken Tour Of Japan: I pretend I am A Tour Guide People Would Listen Too…

I started this post months ago as a summer travel guide to Japan.  My drunken, very, very drunken travel guide to Japan, but now it’s just going to be…  Well a drunken travel guide/living in Japan post and it still works so bite me.  You know you want to come here at some point in your life and I will help you with that (not the airfare moron, unless you are a very cute Korean girl that likes psychobilly).  You want to come here.  If you are a man it’s to nail Japanese girls, if you are a girl it’s to nail Japanese girls (or Japanese guys, please do, they don’t get enough foreign girls) and if you are from the Otaku segment of the foreign population – well the ones not in Japan – you dream of going to Japan, Tokyo in particular to nail Japanese girls because you think they look like any number of random girls from all the Anime you watch (they don’t, and you will not have 10 girls fighting over you no matter how shy and nerdy you are).  In light of this I thought I would offer my services to be your most humble (and drunken) tour guide through the Kanto Plain  (the place Tokyo and it’s surrounding cities are in for those of you who can’t be bothered to look at an atlas, or Google the shit, you’re already on the internets you lazy fucks).   I am also not going to go into the different clubs or bars because I think I’m going to save that for another post.


Also before people bitch I am going to be using the name of the train station for some places, sometimes the Ward (it’s a section of a city) or area has a different name but I’m using the names of the train stations closest to what I’m talking about (sometimes they are the same) as a reference and it’s less confusing this way.   Trust me on this, if I told you to go to Hatagaya in Shibuya you would get on the train and go to Shibuya even though you really wanted to go to Shinjuku to get the train to Hatagaya in Shibuya since that is the easiest way to get there if you are not taking a cab.  So I’m just going to say Hatagaya and not Shibuya.  But I’m not even going to talk about Hatagaya here because other than Club Heavy Sick (a good place for horror punk and psychobilly shows) I have no idea what else is in the area.  My point is always navigate using the name of the nearest train station and you are much less likely to get lost in a place it’s very easy to get lost in (I’ve gotten lost in train stations, they can be that big) and addresses look like a math problem.  I am not kidding about this; my own home address has no street names in it but a lot of numbers, it’s so bad I feel like I’m going to get graded on finding my way home.  “Congratulations you just got a B+ in Finding Your Own House 101, but sorry but you failed Mailing A Letter To your Girlfriend 204”.  I have given addresses to cab drivers in Tokyo before and they gave me a blank look and said they couldn’t help me and the cabs have GPS.  My water bill only comes once every two months and I think that is because the postman can’t find my house.  It’s bad.  Lucky for me I can pay my utility bills at a convenience store so I don’t have to try and play the Hope To God My Electricity Doesn’t Get Shut Off Game every month trying to mail them a check.


First lets go over Tokyo and it’s many little cities within a city.  Tokyo is large and it’s full of people, like really, really full of people and we all ride giant robotic battle suits to work every day.  I’m joking, only 17 year old kids with unnaturally colored hair get the battle mechs the rest of us ride trains if we aren’t stupid enough to try to drive and can’t afford Godzilla’s outrageous taxi fees.  I’m not going to get into the train system or driving in Japan since I have already done it (go here, and here) so let’s get on with some of the wonderful neighborhoods to hang out in Tokyo.




Shibuya is famous for having the busiest crosswalk in the world.  I know you have seen pictures of it.  We have all seen the videos on the Discovery Channel of the giant bears swatting people out of the crosswalk while millions of people try to get up street in the hope of doing some shopping or getting laid.  Always remember to walk in the center so the bears don’t get you.  The main points-of-interest in Shibuya is the large amounts of high end shops, bars, clubs and of course what we affectionately refer to as “The Hill”.  The Hill has most of the night clubs, most of what border on a Rave if they aren’t actually throwing one (all the people my friend – who actually likes techno – tells me are big name DJs play there often).  The prices to get into the clubs range for a little much to holy shit but depending on the night and the DJ that’s playing it might be a good time, plus while the door prices can be a bit much drink prices are always 500 Yen (that is good in Japan) and the clubs are open all night so you can spend a lot longer in them getting turned down by women (unless you are me, I never get turned down and always leave with a couple fake numbers).  Jokes aside this is one of the better places in Tokyo to pick up girls at clubs, there are places that it’s easier but the quality is a lot worse.  There are also several concert halls and every other building is a love motel (if you have never heard of a love motel take a second and you can figure out what they are for) and a smattering of massage parlors you don’t go into for a massage if you get my drift.




Akihabara is what nerds all over the world face when they pray 42 times a day.  Or is it 5?  I can never get these religions right.  It’s filled with Otaku, vending machines that sell udon in a can (because the broth for regular udon just isn’t gross enough apparently we have to have to can it and sell it in a vending machine), electronics shops, shops that cater to every creepy whim of the Otaku, Maid Cafes, porn stores and other degeneracy dedicated to those unlikely to reproduce very often (if ever).  Maid cafes are great, or great in the humor value of it, not great as in a place you want to touch anything.  Maid Cafes are a place you can go to eat like any other cafe only these sometimes have cover charges to get in and all the girls working there are dressed like a maid from the creepier kinds of Anime.  The patrons are primarily Otaku (am I over-using this word yet or is it just me)  who go there to see a girl dressed up like a maid and serve them a banana split, cake or well… something.  Mostly they sort of sit around ogle the girls and generally be their creepy little selves.  Lucky for me the last time I was in one (well, the only time I’ve been in one) they did serve beer and were open at 4 in the morning.  Don’t you judge me, I was waiting for the trains to start running and it was all that was left open!  I did have an amusing time mostly fucking with people and making them listen to obscure Japanese punk bands and trying to get the local wildlife to come out of it’s nerdy little shell.  I don’t know if it worked and doubt it did but I had to try.  OK, I’m a bastard what of it?  Well back to the point I guess.  Other than the freaky body pillows of prepubescent anime girls the rest of the stranger side of Otaku culture Akihabara is a really good place to shop for very cheap computer equipment as well as a wonderful place for people watching in that all the best (read: the craziest) of Japanese fashion is always on display.

Don’t ask, just don’t fucking ask…




I know I have spoken about Shinjuku before but I will again.  Shinjuku is basically the place every single Yakuza film ever made is set.  The reason for this is that as far as I can tell the local government of Shinjuku is the Yakuza.  It’s also has the best clubs to see live music in, especially punk, metal and other forms of angry and fast rock (the only things that matter if rockabilly is not being spoken of) so no matter what day it is there is always at least 20 live shows going on you can go to.  I love this place.  But other than the punk shows and the Yakuza, Shinjuku has a darker side, Kabuki-cho, as I have said in previous post Kabuki-cho is the place they used as the model for the game Yakuza (best game ever).  Kabuki-cho has some great clubs for live music but it also has a lot more to offer, especially if you are a pervert.  It’s filled with sex shops, love motels (a lot of them, so many I can’t believe that many is necessary in this one place a lot) and hostess bars.  They also have a lot of host bars, so many it’s insane ( I know women like to get theirs too but usually they are a little more on the DL about it, and hostess bars are more for the drunken businessman set in the first place).  For some reason every single guy that works at a host club (they like to call them clubs, whatever) has the same haircut where he looks like he is the lead in a Final Fantasy video game.  They all look the same, and I’m not saying that in the “racist Asian stereotype” the same but I think they just cloned one guy a hundred times and made his clones work at every Host Club in Shinjuku.

This is him…  or one of his clones…  I don’t really know…

Oh fuck he brought friends…  I’d make a joke with a Star Wars reference in it but fuck you George Lucas, fuck you!


Now there are some things to watch out for in Shinjuku (mainly in Kabuki-cho), do not go into hostess bars.  OK that’s a given any place (really if you want to check one out go into one in Yokohama or something and leave after 7 minutes you’ll see all you need to).  The reason I say stay out of the ones here is that a lot are not really hostess clubs but cleverly disguised places to get hookers.  You walk in pay you entrance fee and some girl sits down, you buy her a drink like you would at any of them places (really don’t bother going into one, ever) and rather than sit there and talk to you like they do at the normal ones they strait out tell you the price it is to go to the love motel (in normal hostess bars they do not do this, they only drink and talk, no sex, it’s like a strip club without the naked girls).  Why do I know this you ask?  Well I wish I didn’t but I’ll explain.  Unfortunately after missing the last train one night and trying to find a place to drink the night away till the trains started running (not that uncommon here)  I ended up getting dragged around by a very crazy Russian guy to took me to several of these places (he hadn’t quite figured out that I only wanted to drink and every time we left one he would say he knows a better place).  For the people that think this is a good idea the price runs you about 30,000 Yen and that is over 300 bucks (in American money) and that is just to the girl you still have to pay the love motel.   I think anyway I didn’t (read: wasn’t going to) get that far, so for all I know it only gets you 5 minutes with her in said motel.  Oh, right, and prostitution is wrong!


Another thing to watch out for is Nigerians, OK in Japan you always watch out for Nigerians.  Even the Nigerians will tell you that.  There is a Nigerian crime syndicate in Tokyo and they usually run the worse hostess bars and massage parlors and there is always some scam going on so while the Yakuza and Triads just want to get however much they can get you to spend at their clubs and brothels, the Nigerians will get your credit card number and you will get drugged and wake up several thousand dollars poorer.  To be fair this is not all Nigerians, so far I found two bars, one in Shibuya and one in Shinjuku were the guys are trustworthy and cool but one of the guys managed the bar for the Yakuza (well it’s a strip club) and the other just owned his own bar and wasn’t affiliated with any sort of organized crime.  Both however kindly told me never to talk to Nigerians.  Look, I know some people are going to jump on the whole “that’s racist thing” but fuck you, do what you want, but to the rest of the world just watch the hell out since you might be dealing with a syndicate and if you are you do not want it to be the Nigerian one.


Yoyogi Park and Harajuku:


Yoyogi is a section of Harajuku, or it’s a section of Shibuya attached to Harajuku (Harajuku being part of Shibuya), or it’s a park, it doesn’t matter.  I am going to go to the park other people like to go wander around in Harajuku to see all the freaks but you can get enough of them at the park and I could give a fuck about the shopping.  Yoyogi Park has everything, festivals all night parties, people playing random instruments they can’t get away with playing in their apartments,  strange Japanese greasers dancing with giant pompadours and public sex.  Yeah, I’m not kidding about the last one.  Now before you fly here just to get involved is some giant park orgy it doesn’t work like that, people do have sex out there but you can’t see shit because they are hiding in sleeping bags and usually behind a tree or something.  You are not going to be asked to join so just don’t bother trying and just leave them alone you sick fucks.  Yoyogi park is also a great place to see the most insane of Japanese fashion, and cosplay fun, especially on this one bridge (no I don’t know the name of it) where most of the people with the best in insane fashion hang out.

Yes it always looks like this, sometimes worse.  Just look up Harajuku fashion on the internets and you can get a break down of all the different flavors of crazy.  It would take months for me to break it all down and make fun of it all separately so I don’t want to bother (or I’m planing on doing a whole other post on just that so I’m saving all the jokes till then, I haven’t decided yet).




Do not under any circumstances go to Roppongi.  It sucks.  Roppongi is one giant party, it’s also one giant crime against humanity.  The clubs are overpriced and they always play the same crappy top 40 dance music and if you are unlucky enough to spend enough time in a club there you will notice when the music goes on repeat.  If you walk out of one club and into another one quickly you will notice that the same song is playing.   People have been known to waste entire paychecks there and can still walk out relatively sober.  Granted people don’t go there for music or even just the booze, they go to find girls, and there are a lot of girls, just not a lot of quality girls.  If you are a foreigner looking to fuck a Japanese girl go here, it’s easy to pick them up since many of the clubs are basically made for foreign guys to pick up Japanese girls.  Just remember she is there to fuck foreign guys and you do not know how long she has been going there.  Also it’s filled with Nigerians and not even just the “I’m going to steal all your money kind” they have a lot of the “drugged and rapped kind” if not the “sold into sexual slavery kind”.  Under no circumstances to you talk to a Nigerian in Roppongi, not that you should follow anyone who promises you girls and sex in Roppongi since that isn’t something you should ever do, but when it’s the Nigerians really, really don’t do it.  I guess my point is, if someone says “do you want a massage” do not follow them, and if they say “do you want sex” you definitely do not follow them.  Although from what I have heard if you don’t get your credit cards stolen the hookers are a lot cheaper there than they are in Shinjuku.  Once again, prostitution is wrong!


Roppongi is filled with night clubs, strip clubs (in Japan you will owe a kidney and your immortal soul to the Yakuza from the price just to look at the drink menu) and the ever wonderful massage parlors that if you only go in to get a massage you will feel ripped off no matter how cheap it was (I’ll give you a hint, they are not there to give you a massage).  Japan is usually a safe country and you can drink all night without having to worry too much about muggings, murder, rape or people drugging your drink, Roppongi is the exception to this.  You walk into the wrong place have one drink and the next day you wake up sleeping on a park bench and wonder why you have $3000 missing from your bank account.  The point is unless you don’t care about shame, VD or your bank account do not under any circumstances go to Roppongi.




Shimo-kitazawa is a nice place to go for concerts.  It’s really close to Shinjuku.  There are a lot of places to see shows here and there.  There are also a lot of little streets with small shops to go to and hang out at.  I’ll talk more about the clubs if I ever get around to that post…


Now let’s move on to some of the other places near Tokyo.




Machida is a decent place to go out drinking or shopping.  There are some good bars there and it isn’t that expensive.  OK, I don’t have much to say about the place other than it’s fun enough.




There is stuff in Chiba like Tokyo Disneyland and since I could care less about Disneyland I have never been there so I can’t tell you if Tokyo Disney is better than normal Disney.  There are also a lot of large venues for concerts (the only reason I have ever been to Chiba).  OK there is a lot more there but really unless you know someone that lives there if you are on vacation I have no idea why you would go.  Well unless you are coming here in March since Iron Maiden is playing two shows there.



Kamakura was once the capital of Japan.  It’s a nice place to do the touristy thing.  They have a lot of temples, shrines and places to shop and get food.  It is a really beautiful place.  They also have the second largest statue of Buddha in Japan.  And yes, it is quite large.

The store there sells beer.




Nikko is about 86 miles from Tokyo.  Yeah, I know this was mostly about Tokyo and Yokohama but fuck you, Nikko is the shit.  It’s a nice place although was a bit expensive.  Nikkō National Park is very beautiful and has a lot of waterfalls and hot springs (or Onsen in Japanese).  It is a very relaxing place.  Lake Chuzenji that end with the beautiful Kegon Falls is at the top of a mountain and the ride up there is amazing.  The mountain is so steep that they have one very winding road for up and one for down because they didn’t have space to make them two lanes.  And this is Japan where they make two lanes out of any road big enough to fit two cats on.  Down the mountain they have a couple of shines such as Nikkō Tōshō-gū that is dedicated to Tokugawa Ieyasu and has the urn that hold his remain there.  You can see it if you want to walk up what feels like a million steps up a tree covered hill to get to it.  Other than the foot blisters it is a very nice walk.  Really there is about 9 shines or temples in the area although it’s more like 103 different building close to one another in a forest of giant trees.  It is really beautiful.  You can walk around there for days.   Another good reason to go is Nikko Beer.  Nikko Beer is the best beer in Japan and sadly hard to find anywhere else.  They also have Nikko Wine.  The regular wine is OK but the Strawberry Wine is really good, and the ladies love it.  Also hard to get where I am.  Nikko is the perfect place to go if you want to go on a relaxing weekend with a date.  The only problem with Nikko is that a lot of the hotels at the top of the mountain (all lakeside for a wonderful view) close their doors at 10pm as well as most places do so you have to be back by then.  This isn’t that big of a problem since most places are not open all night like in Tokyo however I did have one incident where I ended up at this tiny little local bar off the beaten path that stayed open late and ended up having to crawl into a window that was unlocked to get into my hotel at 3 in the morning quite drunk.  In my defense while I may have had to break into my hotel I didn’t break anything to do it and was nice enough to secures the window I have crawled through and the back door I had unlocked to let my friend in before hitting the bed.   My hotel was nice though since it had a hot spring in it and a very good Bangladeshi/Indian restaurant.

Click on the pic it gets bigger…  Shut up pervert!


Ah Nikko, how I love you.  Well other than the fact it was May and it started to snow and I didn’t pack much other than shorts and t-shirts and I was on an hour long boat tour of the lake when the weather changed and could do shit about it…  Yeah it does get colder there especially on the mountain because of the elevation.  But you know you always wanted to go to and outdoor onsen in the snow.


Now let’s have some fun in Yokohama.




This is what most people think about when you say Yokohama.  If you tell a girl you will meet her at Yokohama at 2:00 she will naturally go here.  Probably because the train station here is the Yokohama Station the 5th busiest train station in Japan.  Around the station are a lot of bars and restaurants and if it a fairly decent place to get some beers are some good food.  It also has two places every foreigner living near or in Yokohama has spent an inordinate amount of time in.  TGI Friday’s and The Hub (it’s an English pub/restaurant, they have good food and beer), they are also decent places to pick up girls.  They also serve what is known as “American portions”, since if you are American you are used to larger portions at a restaurant than what you usually get in Japan (we be fat people).  There are also a lot of decent places to take a girl on a date.

Click the…  Fuck you pervert, fuck you…




A lot of bars, shopping and good for tourists.  There was a really good club for punk music I used to basically live at called Club 24 West, but it closed and then reopened under new and shitty management.  Other than 24 West I never did much else there other than play pool.


Minato Mirai:


It’s really Minato Mirai 21 but who cares.  It is a good place to take dates and other than tourism it’s what it’s known for.  A lot of restaurants, bars, movie theaters, shopping, an amusement park with a very large ferris wheel that lights up the sky right next to the bay.  It’s also right next to Chinatown.



The largest Chinatown in Asia.  Well the largest one that isn’t China I guess…. It is a nice place to take a date or for tourism and to get really good food.  It’s a nice place for a date or to go shopping.




It is in Niki Ward but you don’t care about that.  You want the hookers.  Yes, hookers.  The place was a red light district.  Notice I just said “was”.  It’s not now but until they cleaned it up it looked like Amsterdam, or well Hinodecho.  Prostitution is not legal in Japan, well it’s mostly not legal they have some interesting loopholes in the laws, it is however usually ignored so people kind of get away with a lot.  Once again, prostitution is wrong.  Hinodechō was at one time street after street of half dressed girls in doorways trying to convince lonely perverts to join them for a little pay by the hour fun. While Japan might have a tendency to look the other way at this kind of thing it was a little too out in the open so the city finally closed the place down.  Like I said prostitution is wrong, but if you want to go get herpes you can’t do it here anymore, go to Roppongi that places is filled with the herpadillos.  Now the streets and alleyways where you used to be able to buy sex are not there anymore and if you look like a lonely pervert looking for sex the cops will shoo you away.  All the girls and brothels are gone but many have been changed into apartments (not the girls, I’m not even going to go for that joke).  Yes, people now live in what used to be brothels, it’s kind of popular with the hipster crowed out here.  Yeah I know the local government thought they were cleaning it up and making it more classy and now it’s worse (and unlike what a hipster thinks is irony this actually is ironic).  Plus converting an old syphilis factory into an apartment makes sense when you are renting it to a bunch of annoying douchebags since it’s illegal to kill them out of mercy (for our mercy, not theirs) it helps when you can keep them in one area so you know not to go there and if we are lucky (we are not, but there is always hope) they will stay there and not come out to bother the rest of us.


Alright lets move on to some other places.  Lets go with some of the areas around the U.S. military bases.  You might wonder why you need to know where they are and what is around them but you do.  You see, if you are living in Japan there are certain things that you can’t get unless you have friends in the military to get them for you like cheap steaks or a rack of ribs that doesn’t cost your entire paycheck.  Now it’s wrong to use them this way and they are not supposed to do it but for some of the simpler things it helps.  Take contact solution.  Every time I have used Japanese contact solution it ends up burning the fuck out of my eyes (granted I may be mixing up contact solution with rat poison but that’s not important), so I get one of my friends to score me a couple bottles now and then so I don’t have to use the Japanese stuff or spend forever trying to find one I can use.  Cigarettes are another thing.  Japanese Marlboros, Lucky Strikes and Camels do not taste the same out here and are not as good due to the fact that regulations require them to use at least 25% Japanese tobacco.  There are some brands Japanese brands such as Hope and Mild Sevens that are decent but every now and then you just want a pack of Luckies or Camels and it’s the place to get them.  Another reason to make friends with someone in the military is that if you want to have a cookout they can score you a lot of cheep meat and beer since both meet and beer is expensive out here.  Unless you are trying to get someone to get you a couple cases of Red Stripe on base it’s going to cost you a fuck-ton if you are lucky enough to find the stuff.  That and other than a couple bastards out there (everyone has them) they are decent enough guys and girls, much like The awesome people in the Japanese Self Defense Forces (JSDF) and they like to drink and they always buy rounds for the people they are hanging with.




In order to get to the Atsugi base you need to go to the Sagamino station in Ebina this way you can get to the city of Ayase were the base is.  To further confuse you if you go to the city of Atsugi you will not be anywhere near the Atsugi base.  In reality you have no reason to be here.  Really, the city of Ayase doesn’t have much in it other than a lot of houses and not many good places to go out drinking.  They do have a lot of Thai hostess bars for some reason if you’re into that sort of thing.  There is a Tattoo shop up there called Edo that does really good work.




US Army Base.  It is close to Atsugi and there isn’t much around it other than it is close to Machida.  Other than that I have no idea what is there.




Air Force Base, I have no idea what is there other than people say “nothing”.




Navy Base.  This place mostly sucks.  There isn’t much there other than right outside the base there is this place called “The Honch”, but I really think it is called Honcho.  It apparently has nothing but a lot of bars sailors got to that have 15-20 men for every girl and a lot of massage parlors who for some reason can stay in business even though the sailors are not allowed to go to any one them.  The only reason you would go here is to go to the club Pumpkin.  Pumpkin has a lot of punk bands play there and is a nice place.  A lot of the bands that used to play at 24 West in Kannai play there now that 24 West sucks.  OK there are some bars there that are OK but unless you live in the area or are trying to grab a few beers before Pumpkin opens (or on the way home from Pumpkin) I don’t know why you would bother.

OK, that might have been 40 years ago…  Not really sure when it was…  Don’t much care…


Well I hope you enjoyed my little tour and I would tell you I can’t wait to see you out here but to be honest I really mostly hate people so why the fuck would I want to see you?  Now I know several people are going to bitch because I didn’t mention this place or that place but really I don’t care plus this thing is already over 5,000 words long.  Really if you want to know more go get a book about it.  I did this for free.



I do love it here.  However I can never end a post that way so…


I hate it here…



I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back.  I know how much you all missed me.   I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night.   I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant.  So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot.   I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies?  You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided.   The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it.  Why is that?  Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff.  Really?  Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents.  He is a good guy to say the least.  If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it.  Fuck him.  OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again.  By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news.  A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West.   It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S.  did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit.  Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S.   Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone.  Remember Iraq?  The countries government was destroyed in weeks.  Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army.  You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied.  Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch.  I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels.  Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side.  And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”.  Fucking hell people are crazy.  I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well…  You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks.  Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA.  Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly.  I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary?  They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines.  There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway.  Come the fuck on people!  We all know who the problem is.  It’s pissed off Moslems.  Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat.  Pissed off Moslems.   I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes?  Like pissed off Moslems?  Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes.   Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers.  Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it.  All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships.  If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me.  Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked?  I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it.   Really I just want to thank you for that.  I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs.  Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance.  Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know.  Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know).   They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem.  Plus they just need too.  It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense.  I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense.  The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about.  They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children.  Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it.  They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time.  Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense.  It’s a joke.  Stop it.  It’s not 1946 anymore.  Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages?  I don’t get it?  You’re from Poland or Japan!  I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account.  I have a regular email address people can use.  I really do not know what the point of most of it is.  Especially the status updates.  Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store.  It’s like the height of vapid egotism.  I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend.  I get the invitations to events.  But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid.  Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album?  I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money.  Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong?  I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on.  One time it was just all jumbled up.  This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews.   It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel.  The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero.  What the fuck!  I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic?  It’s treason you shitheads.  Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country?  We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50.  We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo.  Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them.  So much for free speech I guess.  It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you.  I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains.  Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”.  Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”.  Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow.  Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up.  It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

And here is a funny ass video I found on Because No One Asked.

I know what cat tastes like.  I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting?  You eat things like shrimp and crab right?  You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach.  But cat is gross?


Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats.  OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011.   5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English.  It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome?  Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity.  So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters.  Why?  Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them.  Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too?  Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves?  To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook.  Why would you poke someone.  It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people?  At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something.  With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”.  But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them.  They need a punch button.  You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later.  I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7.  It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close.  Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow.  You need to be there for me guys.  You know I love you…

Hmm…  Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason.  Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask?  Well because I pick on everything.  That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account.  I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.


Wait I might have spoke too soon…  Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars.  Why do you fucks make me do this?  And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too?  God how I hate you all…  First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so.  I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake!   So why am I talking about it?  Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show.  Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it.  Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was.  Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing.  OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there.  IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING.   AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT?  Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important.  More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people.  Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII?  Seriously you need to get your priorities strait.  Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life.  It’s not fucking important.  The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important.  The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important.  Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East.   If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place.  The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too.  Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”.  I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though.  And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas.  Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects.  I always hated it because of Christmas music.  Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying.  You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait.  I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already.  Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit.  My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off.  On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God.  You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything?  You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way.  I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk.   Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity…  This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus…  I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid.  As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims.  At least this guy did commit a crime.  I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder.  Fuck you Iran, fuck you.





I hate it here…

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here: Hell And The Japanese DMV

There are a lot of factors in Japanese society people believe contribute to the above average suicide rate, my theory is the Japanese DMV.  If America ran their DMV like Japan does people would be using the term “Going DMV” instead of “Going Postal”.  Unlike America guns are not as easily obtained in Japan because the only people who sell them are the Yakuza and they are very picky on who they sell them to.  The Japanese DMV is like the 10th circle of hell, I had to go to 10 different offices in the same compound get 400 stamps (they had people there just to stamp the fact that I got the correct stamp from the last guy before moving me on to stamp the next 10,000 pages of paperwork and pay the 18 different random taxes necessary just to get the car inspected to be eligible to pay another 12 random taxes and get another 600 things stamped so I can say I own the thing and might be allowed to drive it.  Then after all that I still have to go to the police station and after proving to them I own not only have the car and the millions of pages of paperwork all properly stamped and taxes paid but that I either own or rent a parking space.  Once the police see the Prime Minister has finally approved of the fact that I have this car I can pay the police more money just for the right to not only drive my car but use the parking space that I either own/rent (you might accuse me of exaggeration, I am but not by much).  Next year around this time I will have to do the whole thing again.  Unlike the DMV in America at least the people there are helpful and nice to you.  But I think it’s out of pity because they understand your pain, or it’s for the same reason a serial killer smiles at his victim.  Either way I feel cold, cold and dead inside.

And now kids you know why everyone takes the train because the idea of being shoved into a train that was meant for only 60 with 500 other people sounds like a better idea than going to the DMV.  The funny thing is that cars are really cheep in Japan, the car is everything else is more expensive.  If your car note is 200 a month you give 300 a month to the DMV and you don’t even want to think about road tolls (it’s cheaper to take a plane or a train from Tokyo to Osaka than it is to drive unless you want the trip to take the 6 years it will take you to find all the non-toll roads in between the two).

This is what a Japanese road looks like if you remove the buildings.

Really why do I drive in this country?   Yeah, I paid almost nothing for the car (I literally bought it for a round of beers) nothing is free, and when you think it’s almost free it isn’t.  I think he made out on the deal…

This is the least confusing road sign in the entire country of Japan.  Add 6 more squiggly lines on it and some algebraic equations and that is what they normally look like.  Now try to read it  going 65 miles an hour while trying to do the math in your head.

They also light up, and blink, and dance, I have yet to figure out why.


I hate is here…

All The News I Felt Like Talking About. And Making Fun Of.

Brothels, Gambling, Organized Crime, Who Cares About That, I think That Kid Over There Has On A Leather Jacket And Might Get A Tattoo!!!

“Japanese youth, hassled by haiku”

Woohoo poetic guilt trips!

Please do not discard

Your empty cans or fag ends

Or morality

Japan’s remorseless finger-wagging now comes in haiku form. This one appeared yesterday on a municipal billboard on a Tokyo street boasting two brothels, an illegal mah-jong parlour and a yakuza money laundry. But these are not the target of the poetic puritans — instead, as ever, it is young people and their ne’er-do-well ways.

Japan’s under-18s have a dismal lot. They are well behaved and hard working despite monstrous betrayal by their elders. Soon after they are out of nappies, the young are “offered” a deal: work hard, make yourself sick chasing a job you will hate and spend your life paying off the world’s biggest public debt as the most selfish generation in human history enjoys its dotage.

And the framers of this one-sided contract reserve the right to blame the young for every social ill out there. This invariably takes the form of a national moraru (moral) or mannaa (manners) drive.”

The sad thing about this is that my dad sent this to me so there is a very good chance he showed it to my mother.  I just can’t wait to hear this haiku next time I visit:

Why not married yet

I want more grandkids now

Don’t you love me, son?

Now I Know Why They Keep Their Woman In Full Garbage Bags

“RIYADH — Health authorities in Jeddah have shut down an “illegal” women’s fitness centre attached to a hospital, closing one of the few venues where Saudi women are able to exercise, local media said on Wednesday.

Although health officials have repeatedly blamed the high rates of heart disease and diabetes in the kingdom on poor diets and lack of exercise, health authorities said women’s fitness centres were not allowed…

While gyms for men in the gender-segregated conservative Islamic society are permitted, women’s health clubs are forbidden, despite a clear demand shown by a surge in underground facilities in the past two years.”

Yes it is illegal for woman to have gyms in Saudi Arabia.  They can’t even have gyms just for woman to keep them from the men they just can’t have them.  Does Saudi Arabia have any laws that are not batshit insane?  Really I know you use Islam for the basis for a lot of your crazy laws and I understand that Islam has a tendency towards the insane considering it was invented by a pedophile warlord but come the fuck on people.  I really don’t think there is anything in the Koran that says a woman can’t do a little cardio a couple times a week.  Even Scientology lets you go to the gym, why not you guys?

I Would Understand If It Was A Twilight Novel But A Cell-phone?

“A 13-year-old Saudi schoolgirl is to be given 90 lashes in front of her classmates after she was caught with a mobile camera phone.

The girl, who has not been named, was also sentenced to two months in jail by a court in the eastern city of Jubail.”

Oh, right it’s Saudi Arabia again.  It all makes sense now.  Has Saudi Arabia produced anything that wasn’t either oil or fucking insane?  I seriously think it’s were crazy was invented.

And The “No Shit” Award Goes To…

“World saw declines in freedom in 2009, think tank finds”

At least it wasn’t just us…

“Washington (CNN) — The unsolved murder of human rights activists in Russia. Their detention, torture and murder in Iran. Their jailing in China and Vietnam.

Attacks on journalists in the Philippines, Pakistan, Mexico and Somalia.

Coups in Africa and Central America.

All isolated incidents around the world that together made 2009 a grim milestone in world freedom, according to a United States think tank that tracks liberty around the globe.

Declines in freedom around the world outweighed gains last year, for the fourth year in a row, Freedom House says in its annual survey published Tuesday.

“This represents the longest continuous period of deterioration in the nearly 40-year history” of the report, writes this year’s author, Arch Puddington.

There were only 116 electoral democracies around the world in 2009, the group found — the lowest number since 1995…

Declines in freedom around the world outweighed gains last year, for the fourth year in a row, Freedom House says in its annual survey published Tuesday.”

I think they forgot Obama’s czars and the fact our Constitution barely means shit to our “leaders”, but at least we know we aren’t alone in this spiral into shit.

Is flag@whitehouse.gov still working so I can report myself?

If You Kill Yourself You Can Make The Movie Stop

“James Cameron’s completely immersive spectacle “Avatar” may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.”

Oh, wait it’s not because the movie is nothing but 8 hours of mind numbing propaganda you want to get away from any way you can (including suicide), it’s because they actually believe the shit.

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ ”

Come the fuck on it’s a movie and a bad one at that!!!
“When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed … gray. It was like my whole life, everything I’ve done and worked for, lost its meaning,” Hill wrote on the forum. “It just seems so … meaningless. I still don’t really see any reason to keep … doing things at all. I live in a dying world.”

Really?  Please for the love of god you need to get help!  The movie barely has a plot except for what they stole from fern gully, Pocahontas and Dances With Wolves, then they turned it into a rape fantasy.   The only message in this movie is:

1.  We had pretty pictures (but are still behind almost every video game made in the last 5 years) and no original plot.

2.  Humans are evil.

3.  It’s wrong to rape the planet through mining but it is completely OK to rape every animal and plant on the planet as long as you say it’s spiritual or something.

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Crazy, I love Crazy

“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country suffered after invasions during World War II and he will “stand to the end” to get full compensation, the Jerusalem Post reported.

Ahmadinejad said he’d write to U.N. secretary General Ban Ki-moon to ask for compensation for damages caused to Iran during the war, and for use of its territory and resources by allied powers, the Post reported.”

Did you do anything to help stop the Nazis?  Oh, wait you didn’t and in fact your government while technically neutral supported Germany in WWII?  Oh, sounds like I could give a fuck about your little claims for compensation.  Really, it was a World War, shit happens and you did nothing of any use.  I bet if I said the Shah needed compensation you wouldn’t like that now would you?  Really fuck your demands Alamadamadingdong?

It gets better though:

“Ahmadinejad reportedly also warned that Iran may demand similar compensation for the first World War.”

Yes Alamadamadingdong wants compensation for Iran for the first World War.  Um… Last time I checked Iran was part of the Ottoman Empire in WWI, so why don’t they try to get their compensation from them?  Oh wait it was only because of WWI that the Ottoman Empire fell allowing Iran a chance to become Iran.  And even with that you where still on the losing side, next time fight harder bitches!  Still what about the Shah?

I hate it here…