How Many Stray Dogs Does It Take to Get Two Drunks Arrested On Vacation: This Episode Brought To You By Orion Beer And A Lack Of Shame.

Why we all love Okinawa

I occasionally like to travel.  Most of the time it’s just an excuse to get drunk in new places with new people.  I like new people because new people are people that haven’t yet pissed me off and the great thing about being on vacation is that it’s temporary so the new people don’t usually have time to piss you off.  But this isn’t about my dislike of the human race but of my decent into the land of Orion beer and this wonderful concoction only a lunatic that knows how to cook could think up called taco rice (I’ll even be nice and give you my recipe for this confusing pile of awesome at the end).  This is about Okinawa, a tropical paradise of white sands, warm skies and fucking stray dogs on every other corner.  I think it’s the law that there must be at least one stray dog for every 6 kilometers of highway.  Anyway this isn’t a story about them it’s the story of one dog that wasn’t a stray but had strayed into the path of an oncoming car and a police station filled with wonder and probably a debate on whether or not I should be arrested.   So I went to Okinawa and it’s a nice place.  One of the funny things about Japan is that you can drink in the car as long as you aren’t the person driving (the DUI laws are so strict here 1 beer puts you over the limit) so my friend and I had taken turns on the driving day by day while the other dumped beer in a travel mug and took in the sights (we is classy).  Well the one day she was driving  (sober, one was always sober so they could drive) while I navigated and sucked down Orion in said travel mug and when rounding a corner we almost plowed into a dog.  My friend being the kind and loving person towards dogs to the point where I was seriously going to stab her in the neck if she mentioned how much she missed her little pooch back home one more bloody time swerved and pulled over on the side of the road and yelled at me to grab the little mutt.  I being in the state of mind of a person that not only does not have the urge to start a fight with nutcase when I’m too drunk to properly defend myself did what anyone would do and grabbed the mutt.  The dog had a lease so we figured it just ran away and its owner was looking for it so I walked the dog to the nearest 7-11 while she parked the car.  We tried to explain to the nice people at the 7-11 about the dog we found and if they could help but they just looked at us funny so we asked for the local police station and decided to head off there.  We tried to walk around the block first just in case the owner was around but that didn’t work so it was off to the police station.  The dog was a tweaker and after getting it into the car and trying to convince it not to jump out of the window or lick me one more time we finally made it to the local police station.  Now mind you I had been drinking all day and it was night by this point so I was feeling good if not looking a bit silly trying to drink a beer while holding the tweaker dog I named Wilson.  Well we get to the police and me being at least a little smart left the booze in the car but brought the dog and we went into the station.  Now neither one of us speaks Japanese well – hers being much better than mine – so I mostly smiled and played with the dog while she tried to explain to the cops what was going on.  The cops were not amused.  They were annoyed, maybe even angry with us.  Well after quite a few rounds of trying to explain ourselves they finally called another station and had someone that spoke English talk to us.  We explained the situation to them.  We found a dog, this is where we found said dog, dog has a lease but not tags please help find dog’s owner.  Mind you all pets in Japan (the ones not kept in a tank other than snakes) are supposed to have a tracking chip implanted in them incase this shit happens so we figured this was all good.  We were wrong.  We were oh so wrong.  At this point we had been at the station for a half hour Wilson was getting even more tweaker than he already was and the cops were even more pissed.  This is the point I think the wanted to arrest us.  I don’t know on what charge but I’m sure they could have thought of something.  The police in Japan are usually cool.  I walked into a police station one time with a beer in my hand to ask for directions to a concert hall and one of the officers actually walked my friend and I the couple blocks down to the place.  This time things weren’t going so well.  Well to say the least they decided they needed our ID’s and I was getting concerned being drunk and all but lucky for us they asked for my friends first since she was doing all the talking and lucky for us she had a diplomatic passport.  At this point they sort of gave up and didn’t bother to check me (I don’t have one of those get out of jail free cards) and just told us to leave the dog and to get the fuck out.  They did give us a warning that the next time we see a dog just to fucking leave it where it was.  I would have liked to say something witty like “What under the tires of our rental?” but knew better since I was drunk not suicidal.  We left, I dumped another beer in my travel mug and spent the hour it took us to get home to our hotel making jokes about the cops driving the dog back to the 7-11 we found him at and dumping him off there while my friend yelled about the cops and her dog at home.

Now earlier I had made a joke about stray dogs all over the place.  Well the strays aren’t in the most populated parts they’re out away from them and we hadn’t done a decent Island tour yet at that point.  Well the next day we did.  This time it was my turn to drive while she dumped Orion into a travel mug and it was off to see the Island.  Well rounding a bend at one point I almost hit a dog, this one didn’t have collar and there were the joke about don’t stop to help it or we will get arrested and then there was another and another then two, and then one.  Seriously once we were outside the most populated parts of the island there were stray dogs everywhere.  I saw a couple stealing a truck while one little puppy outside a gas station tried to sell me weed.  The only thing Okinawa has more of is U.S. military bases.  I never really understood why they were that pissed until I went there.  I don’t have a problem with the U.S. having bases in Okinawa but fucking hell the island isn’t that big how fucking many do you need?  They’re not even small.  They could dump all the shit on two of those bases and leave the rest of the island to the Okinawans and it wouldn’t cramp the military up for shit.  No wonder they are pissed, they are all surrounded by wild dogs and military bases.  Okinawa is a nice place though and lord was it fun but just remember leave the dogs alone.

I promised I would give you a recipe for taco rice so here is mine.

Ingredients:

1 lb. ground beef (or stray dog*)

1 onion – chopped

½ – 1 clove of garlic – chopped

Shredded lettuce

Cheese – I use the bags of mixed cheese for tacos you get at the store

8 once can of black olives

Short grain rice

1 packet of taco seasoning (since I’m lazy and it helps)

1 jar of salsa

1 jar of taco sauce

Rice wine vinegar

Now cook the ground beef using the directions on the tacos seasoning package adding in the onion and garlic along with some pepper, chili powder, paprika, oregano, basil, cilantro, beer, Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco (or whatever hot sauce you like) and teriyaki sauce to taste.  I have no real measurements for the seasonings since I just always chuck them in till I think it’s good.  Cook until cooked.

For the rice get out you rice cooker (If you don’t have one shame on you you’re missing out) and cook the rice but add some chili powder and a little rice wine vinegar to the mix.

Once the meat and rice are done it’s time for the awesome.

Put some rice in a large bowl.  Hopefully you have a large soup bowl or ramen bowl but if you don’t go buy some.

On top of the rice add some taco sauce, salsa cheese, olives and lettuce.  On top of that add the meat and on top of the meat add some more cheese and taco sauce.

Eat.  Some people like to stir it up a bit before they eat and some don’t.  I like mine with a lot of sauce and stirred the shit up.

I use more sauce, salsa and lettuce on mine than you find in most places if you eat it in a restaurant and most restaurants don’t use taco sauce just the salsa and you don’t get olives either.  Some places cook the rice with some tomato sauce and chili powder and some cook the rice traditionally.  Do what you want it’s good either way I just like how I make it.

Another tip for people making this the first time remember while it was created in Okinawa and very popular there just because it can be considered a Japanese dish you eat it with a spoon so don’t use chip sticks or you will look silly.  Yes japan has spoons you fucking racist!

Next week I’ll teach you how to make a lasagna sandwich!  I’m joking I’ll do it now.   Take two pieces of bread and make garlic bread shove a slice of lasagna in between and eat it.  It’s like an upgrade from the spaghetti sandwich (shove spaghetti in a sausage meat sauce in between two slices of garlic bread).  Trust me that while it will never sound less crazy it will always be good.

*Not recommended or as far as I know ever used in the dish.

Horrible Advice From Your Uncle Drunken Llama

Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to live your life, however it is much more entertaining.

Always have several fake names and extra cell phones that way you never have to give out the real ones.  Just make sure you don’t mix them up.

Never tell anyone you love them if they know your real name or where you live.

Never marry anyone who would have sex with you on the first date.  However you should try to get a couple more dates just for the fun of it.

Remember the proper etiquette in a strip club is whoever correctly guesses what drug the stripper is on gets the lap dance.

Speaking of strip clubs if you are in a private room for a lap dance and the stripper tells you that for an extra $300 you can put it anywhere, you can, but you shouldn’t.

Any woman that you just met at a bar that offers to buy you tequila shots will probably have sex with you that night.

When drinking with a woman always drink twice as much as she does that way you can always say later that she took advantage of you. *

If you shake more than twice you’re playing with it and if you don’t a bit will dribble down your leg.  It’s your call.

No matter how cracked and dry your skin is – even if it’s so obvious you can see it from space – and you are a man the lady behind the counter still thinks you are buying lotion to masturbate with.  The only way to counter this is to buy tampons and some milk that way they think you were sent on an errand by your wife or girlfriend.

Always treat people with dignity and respect, unless they don’t deserve it, then don’t, unless they pay you and you need to keep that job.

If you’re over the age of 18 and don’t own at least one good suit you are failing at life.  If you are over 30 and only own one good suit you are still failing.

Always remember to do your research before telling people you are a fighter pilot to impress people.  The Navy doesn’t use F-14′s anymore, has never used F-15′s and a B-52 isn’t a fighter so get your facts strait or you will look like an ass.  No matter how dense most of the people at the party are someone will know and they will call you on it as they should.

No matter how big you think you are she’s had better so stop worrying about it and just be happy some chick likes you.

Speaking of size; a very large cock is only impressive in porno.  In the real word it is usually uncomfortable at best and painful at worst.  Yeah, size matters but it’s more of a ratio between the smallest that works and the largest that works.

Getting 4 girls numbers at the same bar in one night always sounds cool and you can brag about it with your friends.  The problem is you were at a bar all night and trying to remember who was who and what you talked about is next to impossible unless you were dead sober and have a very good memory.  Therefor calling any of them can be risky.  Basically getting more than one number is pointless since there is a very small chance you will call any one them and if you do there is a large chance you will fuck it up.  But have fun and go for it.

Your ability to make a bong out of anything does not impress anyone worth impressing.  Also your ability to take large amounts of any drug without getting that fucked up also does not impress anyone worth impressing.**

Hypocrisy isn’t saying one thing and doing another, that’s screwing up.  Hypocrisy is saying people shouldn’t do something but saying  ”it’s OK when I do it”.

If you are visiting foreign countries and feel the need to lie about what country you are from you either shouldn’t be in that country or you are a little pussy bitch and your homeland would be better off if you didn’t come back.***

It’s rude to ask someone why they don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend and never try to set them up with anyone you know.  If they aren’t good enough to even date one of you least favorite acquaintances just don’t bring up the subject.  The question is fine if you are only tying to find out what they like and dislike so you can help otherwise you’re just asking someone to bare their soul so you can judge, quietly.  Oh so quietly…

Just because Ideology can be dangerous doesn’t mean it will.  Just remember you need to continue to question and prove to yourself that it’s correct.  It’s not as easy as it sounds but if you aren’t even trying you have a very big problem.

Never fish for compliments; it’s tacky and shows a lack of class.

If you’re not proud of yourself it’s your fault.  but if you’re proud of yourself you better be able to prove why you should be.  Prove, not justify.  People can justify anything with the right amount of bullshit.

On that note.   You should never have to justify your actions they should be able to speak for themselves.

Intentions mean nothing if you make it worse.

Air travel always sucks so never pay too much for it and never get on an air line that wont let you walk onto the plane with an open beer in your hand.  Seriously you are always going to be late, it will always be cramped and they are going to lose your luggage but as long as it isn’t a Chinese air line or Delta and the flight attendants don’t give a crap that you walked onto the plane with your own six pack it will be the best you are going to get out of air travel.

Really fuck Delta.

When you wake up and don’t know where you are always make sure you still have your wallet and your gun.  If you don’t have either you fucked up since you should always keep both hidden in  place people won’t check when they try to rob your passed out ass.

If  your collage major has “Studies” at the end of it, it’s worthless.  People don’t major in Physics Studies, Electrical Engineering Studies, History Studies or Medicine Studies.  Hell they don’t even major in Philosophy Studies and a major in Philosophy is pretty much useless.  All a major in a “Studies” does if tell the rest of the world not only do you have no marketable skills any employer would ever need but you are stupid enough to spend a shit-load of money acquiering those lack of marketable skills.  You can train a moron that is willing to work hard to do a lot of things but you can’t train an idiot with a sense of entitlement and  bullshit college degree to do anything.

Love is like a fine wine.  It’s expensive, it must be aged carefully and sipped slowly.  It will also never last.

I’m joking unlike love a good wine exists and it’s much easier to get your hands on another decent bottle.

Fair fights only exist in boxing and movies.

 

*  This will probably not hold up in court since double standards are fun.

** Yes this is from a llama that spends his free time chugging scotch and lighting hippies on fire.  Fuck off.

*** Exceptions can be made for people that have to travel for work or charity reasons and need to keep a low profile.