100,000 Years of Stupid

Hello people and the random sentient beings watching us angrily from the abyss. Since I haven’t been around for a while I’m going to take this slow and ease my way in back in to the swing of things. Don’t worry kids eventually I may get banned by the UN for my creative use of the English language, my ability to invent new and exciting obscenities and telling the truth but for now I’ll start off will telling you all that your culture sucks and your ancestors suck. Sorry did I forget to tell you that since you are no longer in your mother’s womb this is not only not a safe space but you will not be getting any participation trophies either. Yes, you, stop looking around thinking I’m talking to someone else. I’m talking to you. I’m talking to all of you and the more you think I’m talking to other people and this doesn’t apply to you the more it does so stop, quit down and listen before I beat you like your father should have done if he had stuck around. I know you don’t want to do that since people rarely like listening to anything that doesn’t conform to their preconceived notions and if for some reason you are already agreeing with me you better fucking stop that as well. You have no idea why I have said any of this yet so what exactly are you agreeing with? Are you agreeing with my ideas about your genetic or cultural heritage or your own biases and anger towards them? I don’t think we are in agreement, so stop, listen and wait to get angry till I have finished. You might learn something and if not its sounds like a whole lot of not my problem.

So let’s do this. Every single person on this planet is the descendent of rapists, slavers, genocidal maniacs, racists, murderers, imperialists, thieves and cannibals. Think about every horrible thing you can think of. Your ancestors did all of that and more. They did it to anyone and everyone they could find and they enjoyed it. And while your ancestors where doing that to everyone they could find everyone else’s ancestors where doing it to your ancestors and everyone they could find. Sometimes they even involved livestock in their shenanigans.

Are you angry? Are you uncomfortable? Good, now it’s time to learn something. None of this is your fault. Not a single thing your ancestors have ever done throughout all of history is your fault. And if we take that idea and expand on that idea not a single thing anyone else’s ancestors have ever done throughout all of history is their fault. The fault lies with individual person guilty of whatever crimes we want to talk about. Are you as an individual currently engaged in or have engaged in genocide, the slave trade, theft or rape? Has the person sitting next to you engaged in any of this behavior? Now since the answer on both accounts is most likely “no” unless you work at the UN I want you to stop and ask yourself this question. “If no ones ancestors are without flaws including my own should I be using the ancestors of others as a reason to hate that individual or in any way against them?”

There is one correct answer to that question.

Now remembering that everyone’s ancestors and culture at one time or another where horrible does that say that they always will be? Think back to history. Can people and culture change? Can they get better? Can they get worse? Yes they can on all accounts. You can look to history to see patterns, suggestions that a society is going from one to the other but that does not mean it will play out the same every time. Remember that time your culture invented something? Oh, I bet you can, now remember how you had absolutely nothing to do with it? Oh, you don’t want to think of it like that. I’m sorry about reminding you about that but… Wait… No, I’m not sorry you didn’t have shit to do with it. Is your pride married to the accomplishments of others or yourself? What did you accomplish this week? If your identity is wrapped around the accomplishments of others you may suck as a person.

The worlds cultural heritage is complex and sadly it is often horrifying but it isn’t always so. All throughout history many people have tried to do good things and live well but since they are people and not unicorns or The Ramones they had their flaws, what can we learn from them? Unless you are stupid you should already understand that nothing about culture or race is monolithic. Look at the individual first because if you do not you will repeat the mistakes of OUR ancestors without anyone learning all of the things they can they teach us.

Next time I’m going to explain to you why cultural appropriation is a good thing that should be encouraged and not just for the tacos, indoor plumbing and penicillin.



I hate is here…


Adventures In Japan: Population Growth, Man Purses and WTF?

Civilizations die from suicide, not by murder. – Arnold J. Toynbee

I cannot say that is always true.  They can die from murder the small ones the most but even the large ones.  It’s a combination, they let themselves rot from within to the point that they either go by suicide or they rot to the point that it makes them easy picking for the rape and murder by others.  Toynbee was smart but that doesn’t mean that his analysis is always correct or sacred in some way that it isn’t up for debate.

Japan, however does fit his mold of suicide.  I’m not talking about the above average suicide rate in Japan I’m talking about the population growth, or well the lack there of.  It’s said that to support the current economies in a Post-Industrial Society you need a population growth of 2.3%.  2.3% is considered a healthy population growth.  This is because of the large amounts of programs the government pays for and the fact that due to the aging populations of many countries you need a healthy population growth to pay for them through taxes.  2.3% is the minimum necessary in any Post-Industrial Nation.  Japan, like much of Europe has less than 2% and that can lead to demographic suicide and economic collapse*.

OK, so the population of Japan is in decline and I want to help them out.  I love this country sometimes more than America sometimes.  It has a lot less Liberal hippie douchebags and a lot more Japanese women, but they need to get a Second Amendment, get rid of their Ninth Amendment and stop taxing fucking everything including air and waking up in the morning.  But we are not talking about all that right now we are talking about the population problems.  I want to help them out (and not just by trying to have a lot of sex, although I am willing to do that one too).  So what is the problem, the problem that is causing this population decline?

Man-Purses.  No, I’m not talking about a man-bag, like the messenger bags or the half messenger bag/brief case thing that can function like a briefcase and a backpack in one.  I’m talking about actual purses carried by men!  Yes folks men in Japan walk around with purses (not old men and not everyone mind you) but enough do that it’s a rather common sight**.  I’m not even saying gay men, you watch a strait man walking around with his girlfriend and they both have a purse.  Look, you used to be Samurai and now you spend hours on you hair and walk around with a purse?  No wonder no one is getting pregnant.  Even if some bi chick is into you because to her you are “the best of both worlds” your sperm, even if it hasn’t been destroyed by the level of estrogen in your system, is too embarrassed  to come out and try anything.  I’ve seen strait men in Japan wear things the most annoyingly flamboyant  gay guy in San Francisco would you call you a fag for wearing (or is it carry, fuck if I know).

No, that bag is his.  And now time for another Japanese couple.

Oh God, what have you done? I don’t think those shoes were meant for men either…  Wait there’s more?  Why?????

Stop it, just stop it already!

Japan has taken metrosexual to a new level, a new disturbing level (well it is all disturbing in the first place but they got worse).  I should probably blame Johnny & Associates (known as just Johnny’s) for this.  The legions of J-pop boy bands that they produce every second and the disturbing rumors of what they do to their underage slaves pop stars behind closed doors.  But it can’t all be their fault and anyone who has spent any time in Tokyo would know that the best way to describe much of the Japanese fashion world would be to use the term “insanity” quite often but this is to far.  Please Japan, stop it with the man purse and start fucking or you won’t be around any more and that would make me sad, very very sad.

This is Johnny’s fault right here.

And so is this.

This however  isn’t Johnny’s fault and I have no way of explaining this picture…

Now these next guys are not Japanese and this is from a fashion show in Italy but it’s a good hint.  The one on the left is pretending that’s a briefcase (it’s not).  The one one the right has a woman’s purse (made for men?).  The one in the middle’s sperm might not be completely embarrassed and actually work and thus forces him to be Italy’s only hope in ethnic survival (Well if he is Italian, I have no idea).  Be afraid be very, very afraid…

Now maybe I just don’t understand fashion.  To be fair mostly I don’t since most of the things people call fashionable look stupid and most of the things in fashion shows are incredibly ugly and insanely stupid looking.  Most of it makes no sense and does not even pretend to look comfortable so why wear it?  I understand what a suit is and why we wear them, they look good and they have a function.  I understand slacks or nice jeans and a button up shirt or nice sweater.  I understand all the parts of fashion or at least clothing people need to own and wear if they want to get a real job and it looks good so why fuck with it?  I know I’m not fancy and like jeans a t-shirts because they are comfortable but I know what is or is not appropriate and in what situations.  Everyone like their style, or likes to imitate someone else’s style.  I understand that but man purses?  Really?

*Some places in Europe such as Russia or Italy will be technically halving their populations every generation if they keep going the way they are.  While this sounds good to the environmental nuts that hate people (I hate people too but for different less stupid reasons) this will lead to economic collapse as the population gets older and does not have enough young people around to sustain them economically through taxation or even through direct support.  It’s hard for one person to support his 4 grandparents and his own parents while at the same time attempting to have a family of his own.  China will also collapse from the same thing due to the large male/female imbalance that will not be able to sustain their large population.  In this case many of the male population doesn’t even have a chance of creating his own family and it will lead to rapid population decline and potential civil unrest.  Yes, China thinks they are cool now but give them 15-30 years and unless they figure out a way to fix their shit they will collapse.  They might end up better for it later but it’s going to be a while.  Now none of this is meant to say that continual population growth is a good thing, there is a point were it is too much.  People will need to eventually lessen the hand of government and allow the population to find an equilibrium so that the young can support the old without making it too economically costly to do so.  It would require that people are responsible enough for themselves to plan for their retirement and not expect to be taken care of by their relatives or the government.  Now I know things do happen but as it is now the system is broke and it can’t be fixed until people take a much stronger role in their own lives.

** Last time I was in the US I did notice several high school boys walking around with the tiny little half purse half backpack things that was really popular with women, I think they might still be.  That was odd enough but it wasn’t enough to make a judgment on if it was something very common, just picking up steam or an aberration.  Hell, by now it might be all over the place in the US but since I haven’t been there in almost a year I wouldn’t really know.  If you are an American man go out and either get a messenger bag or a real backpack and stop it right now before it’s too late.

Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here: Hell And The Japanese DMV

There are a lot of factors in Japanese society people believe contribute to the above average suicide rate, my theory is the Japanese DMV.  If America ran their DMV like Japan does people would be using the term “Going DMV” instead of “Going Postal”.  Unlike America guns are not as easily obtained in Japan because the only people who sell them are the Yakuza and they are very picky on who they sell them to.  The Japanese DMV is like the 10th circle of hell, I had to go to 10 different offices in the same compound get 400 stamps (they had people there just to stamp the fact that I got the correct stamp from the last guy before moving me on to stamp the next 10,000 pages of paperwork and pay the 18 different random taxes necessary just to get the car inspected to be eligible to pay another 12 random taxes and get another 600 things stamped so I can say I own the thing and might be allowed to drive it.  Then after all that I still have to go to the police station and after proving to them I own not only have the car and the millions of pages of paperwork all properly stamped and taxes paid but that I either own or rent a parking space.  Once the police see the Prime Minister has finally approved of the fact that I have this car I can pay the police more money just for the right to not only drive my car but use the parking space that I either own/rent (you might accuse me of exaggeration, I am but not by much).  Next year around this time I will have to do the whole thing again.  Unlike the DMV in America at least the people there are helpful and nice to you.  But I think it’s out of pity because they understand your pain, or it’s for the same reason a serial killer smiles at his victim.  Either way I feel cold, cold and dead inside.

And now kids you know why everyone takes the train because the idea of being shoved into a train that was meant for only 60 with 500 other people sounds like a better idea than going to the DMV.  The funny thing is that cars are really cheep in Japan, the car is everything else is more expensive.  If your car note is 200 a month you give 300 a month to the DMV and you don’t even want to think about road tolls (it’s cheaper to take a plane or a train from Tokyo to Osaka than it is to drive unless you want the trip to take the 6 years it will take you to find all the non-toll roads in between the two).

This is what a Japanese road looks like if you remove the buildings.

Really why do I drive in this country?   Yeah, I paid almost nothing for the car (I literally bought it for a round of beers) nothing is free, and when you think it’s almost free it isn’t.  I think he made out on the deal…

This is the least confusing road sign in the entire country of Japan.  Add 6 more squiggly lines on it and some algebraic equations and that is what they normally look like.  Now try to read it  going 65 miles an hour while trying to do the math in your head.

They also light up, and blink, and dance, I have yet to figure out why.


I hate is here…

Culinary Horrors And Indian Food

So I was at an Indian restaurant the other night, you don’t care but you’re reading this so lets move on.  Indian food is tasty, I love Indian food, however I made a fatal mistake.  You see at many Indian joints they have these little after dinner candy that look like tiny jimmies and I believe they are supposed to be some sort of digestive but what the fuck do I know.  I think it’s called a Mukhwa (Mukhwas?), but I might be wrong and I was eating something else.  They are not candy, and I can only imagine that they were invented by either Satan or Nancy Pelosi.  Some might ask what is the difference?  Well while Nancy Pelosi does look like she could command an army of ghouls from the netherworld she doesn’t have enough class to do so.   Satan has class, plus no one would ever believe that Pelosi was once the most beautiful of all the angels…  I digress…  The little candy things, right…

At first they taste sort of like a Good N’ Plenty, candy outside liquorice inside, but with a twist, a horrifying twist.  The other tastes kick in, what is that taste, I have no idea but it tastes like eating incense.  Seriously it tasted like eating incense and a Good N’ Plenty.  At fist this isn’t that bad, and you almost don’t mind it, but it only gets worse from there, the initial candy and liquorice flavor leave and all you taste is incense, and it gets stronger and stronger, within an hour I had consumed several beers, orange juice and a pack of cigarettes just to get the taste out of my mouth and it didn’t help.  Oh God it didn’t help, I was ten seconds away from eating the container of moldy – I have no idea what this is anymore – shit in the back of my fridges in the hopes that even if it didn’t get the taste out of my mouth it would at least put me out of my misery.  Finally I just went to sleep, at least after a good nights sleep it would be gone right?  I was wrong, I was so, so wrong… I could still taste the shit the next day, even after practically drinking a bottle of mouth wash, several more beers, pizza, onion rings, chili fries, tacos, another pack of smokes, shrimp flavored potato chips and wasabi flavored rice crackers I could still taste the shit deep, deep down. I’ve enjoyed eating sea urchin for fuck’s sake.  I can eat anything.  This was a hatecrime!

Seriously India what the hell have I done to you?  You lure me in with the Kingfisher beer the garlic nan and keema matar and you do this to me?  Why?!  Did I kick your puppy or something?  Is it a practical joke?  Look a good joke is fun, like telling someone that wasabi is really a Japanese form of lime jello.  But wasabi only does it’s thing on the victim for a moment, then it’s gone and fun was had by all.  This lasts for days, that’s not funny it’s a crime.  It’s like you are trying to tell people that unless they come back to your restaurant  and order the spiciest curry there they will never get the flavor out of their mouths.  That’s not a marketing scheme, it’s blackmail and a hostage situation!

India, you make such nice food why would you do this to people?


I hate it here…

I can’t wait for Obama to be our new President!

Our Loving Leader Obama

Well it looks like Obama might be our new Glorious and Fatherly Leader of this beautiful and wonderful motherland of the United States of America People’s Republic of North America, and for this I am sincerely overjoyed for our new master (due to the fact that I am not now or have ever been a Kulak and would rather not be purged). I would like to just say that I am officially repudiating every political position Hatecrime I have ever written coerced into on this Free Speech Thoughtcrime. I swear that I was only doing this due to the extreme duress under the Bushitler regime and the International Zionist Conspiracy through their lapdog Cheney. Upon Obama’s coronation I will freely give up all of my arms that I was forced to get only because the Second Amendment was mandatory under the current President stollen election and false Government and not because I wanted them in any way (please stop hitting me! NO… OH GOD NO NOT THE RATS! I’ll give you a list of my friends fellow conspirators and be good this time I swear). Also I would like to say how happy I am at the impending destruction of this horrible oppressive imperialistic evil Capitalist system by the new and wonderful Dictatorship of the Proletariat – who I truly know loves and cares for us deeply – has our best interests at heart and will work through a series of foolproof Five Year Plans to make this country into the Utopian land filled with love and equality for all that we have for so long been denied by our hateful and imperialist masters.

I’m sorry to cut this short comrades but there seems to be one of those Black Marias parked under my window and I need to give myself up quietly and go to the Gulag Reeducation Camp Sorry Happy Public Good Work Camp and spare my family the same fate happiness as myself.

All Praise to Big Brother our Messiah the Dear loving and Fatherly Leader Barrack H. Obama, and Viva La Revolution!

Please don’t kill me

UPDATE: I originally published this on the 9th of July 2008 but rebublished it today since I thought the day before the election was a good time for it…

It was going to happen so why not have fun with it!!!

Finding dates on the internets can be a silly thing.  Very silly or maybe even traumatic at times just try looking under the personals in craigslist and you will know what flavor of hell I am talking about.  No I would not try to find a date on there but I did have to check it out to see the train wreck of human interaction that it is.

I did however try some sites in an experiment and didn’t get a very good result such as eharmony telling me I would die alone or the epic failure of The Marriage Project on this little pit stain of the interwebs.  There is a lot of fun in the digital dating world such as Match.com the place notorious for Nigerian money scams and general douchebaggery.  There is Adult Friend Finder a place that I think is nothing more then perverts looking to spread syphilis and show close ups of their various pubic regions.  Then there is always hundreds of “Mail Order Bride” sites dedicated to getting lonely people desperate women from third world shit holes green cards.

To say the least when Newton Minow called TV a “Vast Wasteland” he had yet to experience the great atrocity of the internets.  That is not to say that TV isn’t a wasteland a few exceptions of course but the internets is a much larger place, filled with perversion, lies, hate, idiocy, pointless arguments and other such shit (like high school with more porn and less shootings).   Take Facebook where you post pictures of yourself doing drugs and acting like an ass so your future employers can understand why they don’t want hire you.  If that’s not good enough for you there is always The Daily Kos because someone has to make /b/tards look classy and intelligent (please don’t hurt me Anonymous I hate Scientology too).  Granted there are a lot of wonderful things on the Interweb such as Cracked, free Tetris, news and commentary sites like NRO or Slate,  and well Letters To a Dying Dream (shameless plug bitches).  There is Youtube a mix of shit and goodness.  You can watch the debates or a good music video or some useless asshole bitch about politics like he has anything intelligent to say when he doesn’t (thanks P. Diddy).

OK look I spend more time on the internets then maybe I should so I can’t talk that much shit but it does give people a place where people can be the biggest assholes on the planet and forget all concepts of decency (Daily Kos).  It’s good and bad but you can get more truth out of it then you think.

Anywhoo back to the point if there ever was one.  Internet dating.  Since the internets is filled with everything you can possibly want or think of (and some things you wish didn’t exist) I can find things. Many things.  What you ask did I find?  I found the best dating site ever!  Why is it the best?  Because I find it funny as hell that’s why!  And what is this magical and wonderful place?  Well kids it’s called Otaku Booty!  Yes Otakubooty.com a place where all the freaks can find a date, well might find a date. Some people couldn’t even get laid in Thailand a place where 5$ can get you anything you want (plus herpes from a underage transvestite you thought was a girl), but we aren’t talking about that kind of degeneracy.  It’s Otakubooty (I love the name) a place where the Nerds, Geeks, Otaku, fan Boys, Freaks, NEETs, Fan Girls, Hikikomori, and Dorks can interface and chat up one another.  Yes a place for the lonely freaks to find other lonely freaks to talk to.  And since most of these people haven’t been inside a pussy since they dropped out of one they are defiantly cleaner then the fucks over at Adult Friend finder (cleaner in the STD world not the bathing world although I’m sure some of them do shower daily).  Why do I talk about this rather then say the VP debates right now?  One because because I don’t have a TV so can’t watch it and will see it this weekend on Youtube (or parts since I might just give up like on the last one) and two since this is more important (since constitutionally the VP’s only job is casting the deciding vote in the event of a tie and siting around doing nothing until the event of the death of the president).  Really though if you don’t know where everyone stands by now you haven’t been paying attention (do I lie?).

Yes caring about Otaku dating websites is the most important thing we can care about at this very moment! Especially since we really need to finally get them out of the Maid Cafe’s and it’s not like we can change anything in this world right now anyway.  Really think about it, you can’t solve shit and you know it!  If your stupid hippie ass could fix shit smoking pot, not showering and having a drum circle don’t you think it might have done so by now?  Do I lie?  You have tried the same shit for forty years and it got us where? Smelly assholes, pointless unintelligent ranting and crappy jam bands (try to listen to Phish or the Grateful dead sober and even pretend they don’t suck a fat one).

Oh the point… There was one right?  Oh yeah nerd dating sites are awesome!  I can’t say they are better then the other dating sites but really these are at least fun.  I might have to do another experiment and try it out just to see if how fun it can be.  It’s not like the other ones are any better anyway and at least this place won’t judge me on my thing for Anime, bad Yakuza and zombie films and my obsession with Tetris.

What I am really trying to say is this:

You might finally score that Asian girl you have been thinking about nerdboy  (maybe but I can’t say it will be a cute one or really a girl, and lets face it many of you are hopeless since rolling a twenty is not going to get you laid but it will help you kill the Tentacle Rape Monster in Henti D&D).

In the end all I have to say is Eat Me!

Conspiracy theories and the truth about who killed JFK.

Every one likes a good conspiracy theory but that’s because most people are incredibly stupid. If you don’t believe me that the world is filled with stupid people think of these six things: Rap music, Islam, Scientology, Marxism, Wicca and Nancy Pelosi being Speaker of the House. Now tell me the world isn’t filled with stupid. The rest of use like them because they are funny.

Conspiracy theories, There are a lot of good ones out there and no matter how crazy, stupid or obviously fake they are – such as The Protocols of the Elders of Zion or the people that claim the Earth is really flat and we faked the Moon Landing to “prove” it wasn’t – people want to believe them. Hell in much of the Middle East the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is now an addendum to the Qur’an. Like I said people are stupid. Just remember that 99% of all conspiracy theories are fake and that 75% of all statistics on the internets are made up on the spot. Another thing about these conspiracy theories is they all involve “The Jews” or “The Government” and are so complicated that William of Ockham is undoubtedly spinning in his grave fast enough to power Austria for a hundred years if the energy could be properly harnessed.

Sometimes however we do get into that 1% such as when the Venona Project was de-classified and proved that most of the insane theories about the actions of the Soviet Union in relation to espionage where found to be true. Interestingly enough even with the final decrypts of the Venona project some people still try to defend the Rosenbergs or Alger Hiss. Joseph McCarthy was considered the evil and insane conspiracy theorist when he spoke of the large amount of Soviet spies in sensitive positions of the government and was lambasted by much the public for it. He was however correct, there where and had been long before he showed up on the scene. However before I get angry calls from people over my defense of the evil McCarthy and how he and HUAC had poor actors and writers blacklisted in Hollywood remember that he had nothing to do with that. One McCarthy was in the Senate not the House, HUAC being a House sub-comity and not a Senate one. Two McCarthy was going after spies in the government such as in the Pentagons code room, why anyone thinks he gave a shit about some asshole actor in Hollywood is a moron and it is just the inane rantings of the idiots who actually think they matter.

Any hoo since I have begun to write like a paranoid with Attention Deficit Disorder I will try to get back on to the point of this rant. Conspiracy theories most people have them About the Kennedy assassination well I am here to give you the truth of what happened on November 22, 1963. I’m sure you have all heard a few interesting theories about what people think “Really” happened that day and I am here to tell you, you are wrong. Sure they might sound nice but lets go over a couple of them.

The Mob did it: No they didn’t. Yes JFK was in bed with the Mob to help himself get elected. It’s true we all know this. Hell you can’t get even one vote in Chicago without the Mobs help and yes Kennedy did overwhelmingly win Cook County, but really why does anyone think that the Mob would be stupid enough to bring that much bad attention to their activities. Their whole point is to stay as hidden as possible so they can keep their illicit business going. Anyway why would they kill the kid of one of their own. They all had money from when they had been bootlegging hooch so did the Kennedy’s. It would have been easier to just blackmail him then kill him and they could get more out of it. So give that one up.

The CIA: Not likely the CIA while not having a good relationship with Kennedy and supposedly Kennedy wanted to get rid of the CIA it wouldn’t have been the best move. Why wouldn’t they have killed him? Well they could have easily destroyed his reputation without killing him an thus saving their jobs without the fear of incarceration. Furthermore Lyndon Johnson is also brought into this argument. Yes Johnson and Kennedy didn’t have the best relationship and the idea that Johnson used the CIA to get rid of Kennedy to become president himself does sound nice but it’s a little silly. Johnson could have easily used the CIA to ruin Kennedy’s reputation so badly he would be forced to resign and thus giving Johnson the presidency. So murder would have been an unnecessary step if not the worst way to go about taking the presidency. So why don’t we just forget about this one too.

The Soviets did it: Not really after the failed Bay of Pigs invasion and the Cuban Missile Crisis it sounds like good old Cold War Conspiracy fun. However the truth is that Khrushchev thought that Kennedy was young, inexperienced and naive, hardly a threat worthy of causing an international incident. Plus Khrushchev had pissed off the high ranking party members in the politburo and the KGB and was about to get removed shortly anyway. So why would the KGB help him with something as silly as killing the leader of the other worlds superpower who currently had thousands of nukes pointed at their asses right before they removed him from power? I’ll give you a hint they wouldn’t.

Israel: Since “The Jews” are always part of these conspiracy theories you know it was going to come up. So Israel planned to kill an American president because of supposed sympathy with the Arabs and over a nuclear reactor. Um right, so Israel is going to kill the leader of one of the only countries in the world that supports their right to exist over vague ideas about how Kennedy might have felt about Arabs and the usual diplomatic problems associated with nuclear technology? Why does this sound like the rantings of a guy pissed off with Israel and trying to get back at them for arresting him for disclosing state secrets? Oh wait I know why because thats what is really going on. So shut up and go back to claiming “The Jews” eat Palestinian babies and use the Illuminati to control the world.

There was a second shooter on the grassy knoll: This might be true but Lee Harvey Oswald was still there to kill Kennedy but why?

So on to the payoff the real person behind the assassination of Kennedy. It was Joe DiMaggio. Why you ask would I accuse Joltin’ Joe of conspiring to kill JFK? Simply pure hatred for the man who was nailing his ex wife whom he was still very much in love with was trying to get back together with her. Who is this woman but the one and only Marilyn Monroe who may or may not have been off’d by the Kennedy’s on August 5, 1962 right before Joe was planning on asking her to remarry him. Think about it of all the crazy conspiracies out there over the death of JFK what makes the most sense. It’s one man angry over the treatment of the woman he loved killing another man that he believed was responsible for her dishonor and death. It’s not really hard to believe that DiMaggio angry and depressed over the death of his love – remember he sent roses to her grave several times a week for twenty years – would find some loose cannon with whom he could convince to murder a president for his hero the old The Yankee Clipper. Sounds crazy right? Not really if you think about it John Hinckley Jr. shot Reagan to impress Jodi Foster so it’s not like this kind of thing doesn’t happen. In fact Hinckley was originally planning on killing Jimmy Carter but after Reagan took office he switched targets.

DiMaggio and Monroe

DiMaggio and Monroe

DiMaggio was obsessed with Monroe and would do anything for her even kill and he had the least insane motive for the murder of JFK. So here is how it went down Setting aside the “Second Shooter” for a moment we will get on with how this happened. DiMaggio finds a mentally unstable guy and convinces him to kill Kennedy for him and boom Oswald in in the book depository on the morning of November 22 a little over a year after Monroe’s death. It’s all so simple right? Well not really we have a couple other loose ends we need tie up here. Was there a second shooter and why did Jack Ruby kill Oswald? Well lets take them together. If there was a second shooter this person might not have been to happy about Oswald getting caught by the police and wanted to get rid of him before he spilled the beans about DiMaggio’s involvement if not his own in the murder of the President. Oswald had to go. So we have Jack Ruby enter into this to take him out. There are different theories here if Jack Ruby was the second shooter he might think it is easier to use the some “I did it for JFK’s widow” excuse to get leniency in the murder of Oswald while hiding anything that would trace him to Kennedy’s murder since Oswald had less to loose by talking then say DiMaggio. Therefore the Second shooter is either DiMaggio with Ruby used as a pawn to get rid of Oswald before he talked or Ruby who wanted to get rid of Oswald before he implicated Ruby in the assassination. The Second one seems more likely since DiMaggio probably wanted to stay out of Dallas on the day he was getting people to murder his enemy and would have been too easy to recognize in a place swarming with the press and the police and FBI. It would have been better to have Ruby as the second shooter and not himself. Plus Ruby would have had less incentive to kill Oswald if he didn’t have some connection to the original assassination however he might have been another useful idiot willing to take a hit for his hero. Now if there was no second shooter it went down very much the same but then you have Oswald kills Kennedy for DiMaggio and Ruby kills Oswald to protect DiMaggio. It’s that simple.

Whether or not the Kennedy’s Killed Monroe is of no matter and I am not here to debate that theory. As long as DiMaggio was enraged over his love’s death and even suspected involvement of the Kennedy’s he had the motive for revenge. Plus even without him thinking that Monroe was murdered he still had motive. DiMaggio was obsessed with Monroe angry over her deteriorating mental state, her drug abuse and eventual death and angry with himself because he couldn’t save her. It is very easy for a man this distraught to find something to blame her death on. JFK turns into the best scapegoat for his anger and rage. The idea that this man the most prominent figure in the country was using the love of DiMaggio’s life as a toy for him, his brother and friends would be too much to take. The rage needs an outlet. Kennedy was that outlet, his death catharsis. Monroe’s honor restored by this one act. It’s simple psychology.

Now if we decide who had the best motive to kill Kennedy you only have two answers DiMaggio or of course Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis*. So lets go over why she is the only other aside from DiMaggio that has the best motive. Jackie O’ s motive is anger for Kennedy’s constant cheating on her simple as that. A woman’s scorn. Take out DiMaggio and Put in Jackie O’ in his place and you have it. Remember Ruby claimed to have killed Oswald to protect her. He Shot Oswald who in this scenario was obsessed with Onassis to keep him for spilling the beans on the Princess of Camelot. I doubt this scenario though because Onassis knew what she was getting into when she married Kennedy and while she might grow to resent him I don’t think it ever spilled over into hatred enough to murder her philandering husband. Plus on top of that it’s hard to believe that she would want to be sitting next to him while it happened, even if that is the perfect alibi it’s not likely that she would take that big a risk, or that if her conspirators are doing it out of obsession over her they would be able to pull the trigger when the potential to harm her as well was so high. Remember Hinckley shot Reagan not Foster.

In conclusion that leaves only DiMaggio as the most likely suspect. Now I know people are just going to say that this is another baseless conspiracy theory but it’s not. I have simply shown that it is the most likely theory in this case unless Oswald was really just some lunatic acting alone.

* I use Onassis here because although it wasn’t her last name until 1968 it is easier to use it when only referring to people by their last names.
** I use Wikipedia here as a quick reference so you have a starting point to do your own research not because they have all the correct information.