Every one likes a good conspiracy theory but that’s because most people are incredibly stupid. If you don’t believe me that the world is filled with stupid people think of these six things: Rap music, Islam, Scientology, Marxism, Wicca and Nancy Pelosi being Speaker of the House. Now tell me the world isn’t filled with stupid. The rest of use like them because they are funny.
Conspiracy theories, There are a lot of good ones out there and no matter how crazy, stupid or obviously fake they are – such as The Protocols of the Elders of Zion or the people that claim the Earth is really flat and we faked the Moon Landing to “prove” it wasn’t – people want to believe them. Hell in much of the Middle East the Protocols of the Elders of Zion is now an addendum to the Qur’an. Like I said people are stupid. Just remember that 99% of all conspiracy theories are fake and that 75% of all statistics on the internets are made up on the spot. Another thing about these conspiracy theories is they all involve “The Jews” or “The Government” and are so complicated that William of Ockham is undoubtedly spinning in his grave fast enough to power Austria for a hundred years if the energy could be properly harnessed.
Sometimes however we do get into that 1% such as when the Venona Project was de-classified and proved that most of the insane theories about the actions of the Soviet Union in relation to espionage where found to be true. Interestingly enough even with the final decrypts of the Venona project some people still try to defend the Rosenbergs or Alger Hiss. Joseph McCarthy was considered the evil and insane conspiracy theorist when he spoke of the large amount of Soviet spies in sensitive positions of the government and was lambasted by much the public for it. He was however correct, there where and had been long before he showed up on the scene. However before I get angry calls from people over my defense of the evil McCarthy and how he and HUAC had poor actors and writers blacklisted in Hollywood remember that he had nothing to do with that. One McCarthy was in the Senate not the House, HUAC being a House sub-comity and not a Senate one. Two McCarthy was going after spies in the government such as in the Pentagons code room, why anyone thinks he gave a shit about some asshole actor in Hollywood is a moron and it is just the inane rantings of the idiots who actually think they matter.
Any hoo since I have begun to write like a paranoid with Attention Deficit Disorder I will try to get back on to the point of this rant. Conspiracy theories most people have them About the Kennedy assassination well I am here to give you the truth of what happened on November 22, 1963. I’m sure you have all heard a few interesting theories about what people think “Really” happened that day and I am here to tell you, you are wrong. Sure they might sound nice but lets go over a couple of them.
The Mob did it: No they didn’t. Yes JFK was in bed with the Mob to help himself get elected. It’s true we all know this. Hell you can’t get even one vote in Chicago without the Mobs help and yes Kennedy did overwhelmingly win Cook County, but really why does anyone think that the Mob would be stupid enough to bring that much bad attention to their activities. Their whole point is to stay as hidden as possible so they can keep their illicit business going. Anyway why would they kill the kid of one of their own. They all had money from when they had been bootlegging hooch so did the Kennedy’s. It would have been easier to just blackmail him then kill him and they could get more out of it. So give that one up.
The CIA: Not likely the CIA while not having a good relationship with Kennedy and supposedly Kennedy wanted to get rid of the CIA it wouldn’t have been the best move. Why wouldn’t they have killed him? Well they could have easily destroyed his reputation without killing him an thus saving their jobs without the fear of incarceration. Furthermore Lyndon Johnson is also brought into this argument. Yes Johnson and Kennedy didn’t have the best relationship and the idea that Johnson used the CIA to get rid of Kennedy to become president himself does sound nice but it’s a little silly. Johnson could have easily used the CIA to ruin Kennedy’s reputation so badly he would be forced to resign and thus giving Johnson the presidency. So murder would have been an unnecessary step if not the worst way to go about taking the presidency. So why don’t we just forget about this one too.
The Soviets did it: Not really after the failed Bay of Pigs invasion and the Cuban Missile Crisis it sounds like good old Cold War Conspiracy fun. However the truth is that Khrushchev thought that Kennedy was young, inexperienced and naive, hardly a threat worthy of causing an international incident. Plus Khrushchev had pissed off the high ranking party members in the politburo and the KGB and was about to get removed shortly anyway. So why would the KGB help him with something as silly as killing the leader of the other worlds superpower who currently had thousands of nukes pointed at their asses right before they removed him from power? I’ll give you a hint they wouldn’t.
Israel: Since “The Jews” are always part of these conspiracy theories you know it was going to come up. So Israel planned to kill an American president because of supposed sympathy with the Arabs and over a nuclear reactor. Um right, so Israel is going to kill the leader of one of the only countries in the world that supports their right to exist over vague ideas about how Kennedy might have felt about Arabs and the usual diplomatic problems associated with nuclear technology? Why does this sound like the rantings of a guy pissed off with Israel and trying to get back at them for arresting him for disclosing state secrets? Oh wait I know why because thats what is really going on. So shut up and go back to claiming “The Jews” eat Palestinian babies and use the Illuminati to control the world.
There was a second shooter on the grassy knoll: This might be true but Lee Harvey Oswald was still there to kill Kennedy but why?
So on to the payoff the real person behind the assassination of Kennedy. It was Joe DiMaggio. Why you ask would I accuse Joltin’ Joe of conspiring to kill JFK? Simply pure hatred for the man who was nailing his ex wife whom he was still very much in love with was trying to get back together with her. Who is this woman but the one and only Marilyn Monroe who may or may not have been off’d by the Kennedy’s on August 5, 1962 right before Joe was planning on asking her to remarry him. Think about it of all the crazy conspiracies out there over the death of JFK what makes the most sense. It’s one man angry over the treatment of the woman he loved killing another man that he believed was responsible for her dishonor and death. It’s not really hard to believe that DiMaggio angry and depressed over the death of his love – remember he sent roses to her grave several times a week for twenty years – would find some loose cannon with whom he could convince to murder a president for his hero the old The Yankee Clipper. Sounds crazy right? Not really if you think about it John Hinckley Jr. shot Reagan to impress Jodi Foster so it’s not like this kind of thing doesn’t happen. In fact Hinckley was originally planning on killing Jimmy Carter but after Reagan took office he switched targets.
DiMaggio and Monroe
DiMaggio was obsessed with Monroe and would do anything for her even kill and he had the least insane motive for the murder of JFK. So here is how it went down Setting aside the “Second Shooter” for a moment we will get on with how this happened. DiMaggio finds a mentally unstable guy and convinces him to kill Kennedy for him and boom Oswald in in the book depository on the morning of November 22 a little over a year after Monroe’s death. It’s all so simple right? Well not really we have a couple other loose ends we need tie up here. Was there a second shooter and why did Jack Ruby kill Oswald? Well lets take them together. If there was a second shooter this person might not have been to happy about Oswald getting caught by the police and wanted to get rid of him before he spilled the beans about DiMaggio’s involvement if not his own in the murder of the President. Oswald had to go. So we have Jack Ruby enter into this to take him out. There are different theories here if Jack Ruby was the second shooter he might think it is easier to use the some “I did it for JFK’s widow” excuse to get leniency in the murder of Oswald while hiding anything that would trace him to Kennedy’s murder since Oswald had less to loose by talking then say DiMaggio. Therefore the Second shooter is either DiMaggio with Ruby used as a pawn to get rid of Oswald before he talked or Ruby who wanted to get rid of Oswald before he implicated Ruby in the assassination. The Second one seems more likely since DiMaggio probably wanted to stay out of Dallas on the day he was getting people to murder his enemy and would have been too easy to recognize in a place swarming with the press and the police and FBI. It would have been better to have Ruby as the second shooter and not himself. Plus Ruby would have had less incentive to kill Oswald if he didn’t have some connection to the original assassination however he might have been another useful idiot willing to take a hit for his hero. Now if there was no second shooter it went down very much the same but then you have Oswald kills Kennedy for DiMaggio and Ruby kills Oswald to protect DiMaggio. It’s that simple.
Whether or not the Kennedy’s Killed Monroe is of no matter and I am not here to debate that theory. As long as DiMaggio was enraged over his love’s death and even suspected involvement of the Kennedy’s he had the motive for revenge. Plus even without him thinking that Monroe was murdered he still had motive. DiMaggio was obsessed with Monroe angry over her deteriorating mental state, her drug abuse and eventual death and angry with himself because he couldn’t save her. It is very easy for a man this distraught to find something to blame her death on. JFK turns into the best scapegoat for his anger and rage. The idea that this man the most prominent figure in the country was using the love of DiMaggio’s life as a toy for him, his brother and friends would be too much to take. The rage needs an outlet. Kennedy was that outlet, his death catharsis. Monroe’s honor restored by this one act. It’s simple psychology.
Now if we decide who had the best motive to kill Kennedy you only have two answers DiMaggio or of course Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis*. So lets go over why she is the only other aside from DiMaggio that has the best motive. Jackie O’ s motive is anger for Kennedy’s constant cheating on her simple as that. A woman’s scorn. Take out DiMaggio and Put in Jackie O’ in his place and you have it. Remember Ruby claimed to have killed Oswald to protect her. He Shot Oswald who in this scenario was obsessed with Onassis to keep him for spilling the beans on the Princess of Camelot. I doubt this scenario though because Onassis knew what she was getting into when she married Kennedy and while she might grow to resent him I don’t think it ever spilled over into hatred enough to murder her philandering husband. Plus on top of that it’s hard to believe that she would want to be sitting next to him while it happened, even if that is the perfect alibi it’s not likely that she would take that big a risk, or that if her conspirators are doing it out of obsession over her they would be able to pull the trigger when the potential to harm her as well was so high. Remember Hinckley shot Reagan not Foster.
In conclusion that leaves only DiMaggio as the most likely suspect. Now I know people are just going to say that this is another baseless conspiracy theory but it’s not. I have simply shown that it is the most likely theory in this case unless Oswald was really just some lunatic acting alone.
* I use Onassis here because although it wasn’t her last name until 1968 it is easier to use it when only referring to people by their last names.
** I use Wikipedia here as a quick reference so you have a starting point to do your own research not because they have all the correct information.