Tuesday Nights With Beer: A Drunken Rant For The Rantless

I haven’t written much lately and well…  Yeah I think I already started two rants like this so lets move on.

I got a new computer in case you care.  You don’t but we will talk about it anyway.  It’s a laptop and for some reason if I don’t have the thing plugged in the screen is at least 35% darker than it is if it is plugged in.  I don’t think I care but it’s odd.  But on the new computer thing I got a laptop but I didn’t get rid of my old desktop since it still works and no matter how many times my friends say I should get rid of it I just can’t.  It’s awesome.  well it’s not that great but it’s old and getting slow but I blame that on it not being made for Japanese power outlets since they run off less juice and the fact that it’s held together with duct tape and clay.  That and I built it out of mostly spare parts.  And clay…

I’m still living in japan and we still don’t have mutants or a million dead from radiation so I still think I’m right about the media not knowing what the fuck they are talking about.

So a lot of rioting in the UK is going on.  Or was.  I did find quite a few things funny about it since people were saying it was working class kids angry at the system for getting them or some bullshit but as Mark Steyn mentioned can you really call them working class if none of them have ever worked or their parents?  To paraphrase anyway.  The other thing was these were not all poor kids living off the dole, there were a lot of people from monied families taking part in it.  I know i talk shit about the UK all the time but seriously what is wrong with the place?  England has the most expansive welfare state in Europe (according to Europeans) and still these kids are angry?  What more do you fuckers want since it’s not jobs according to many of the british commentators it’s very hard to fill a job with English kids since they don’t even bother to apply for jobs and most places would rather higher eastern Europeans since they will actually show up and work. Do yourself a favor England give people back their guns, let them protect themselves, and force these kids off the dole and to get jobs and actually work.  And for the brats with money that pull the same shit fuck them up and teach them a lesson about being civilized human beings.  And stop being a bunch of wankers.  I don’t hate the UK or England you gave the world so much, like good beer, The Damned and the Gin n’ Tonic but you really got to pull your shit together.

Speaking of England apparently there is a group in England that want’s to create Islamic hamlets in certain parts of England that would essentially be independent states run off of Sharia law.  Really guys you don’t want to stop this?  You have Imams there living off of the dole (you know where you pay them not to work) and they are saying the want to secede from England and have their own state on your territory and you don’t do anything about this?  Cancel their government paychecks at least guys, your basically paying people to sit around and scream about revolting and you do nothing?

So in the news today I read a story about how climate change was causing higher rates of mental illness.  All I could think while reading it was maybe mental illness was causing higher rates of people yelling about climate change.   Seriously it used to be global cooling and that didn’t pan out so it was global warming.  Now it’s climate change so we can all claim anything and everything is…  Fuck you hippies.

Why does canned asparagus taste like crap but frozen if good while canned green beans taste good but frozen taste like crap?  Why does Smithwick’s beer always taste like rust out of a bottle but good out of a keg?  Why do poor people in America have cell phones, the internet, cars, and flat screen TV’s while poor people in other places have dysentery and mud houses.  These are the things we need to know.

If you don’t understand why you should hate Rachel Carson watch someone die of malaria.  I have.

In music news Gibson Guitars got raided by the Feds for using wood illegally purchased from India based off of an Indian export law on wood.  Now mind you many other US guitar companies use the same wood but Gibson gets raided but not them.  Martin uses the same wood but gives money to Democrats and Obama, Gibson gives money to Republicans and doesn’t use union labor.  Now this is the second time Obama’s DOJ has raided Gibson and the first time they never filed charges (because there was no crime) but after two years haven’t returned the confiscated wood and now they do it again.  Look the Indian government certified the wood for export, US customs certified the word for entry into the US and now the DOJ is raiding Gibson?  For what?  Breaking and Indian law the Indian government said wasn’t broken?  Now I don’t know if this was politically motivated but even if it isn’t what the fuck is going on in DC?

Arabic Numerals are from India.  The reason the are called that is because it was introduced to Europe from the Middle East.

I like Jelly beans but the people who make them need to do better.  You get a bag with 100 different flavors and while many are good you have a bunch that suck.  I hate coconut and vanilla so stop putting them in there and I have no idea why anyone thought the popcorn ones tasted like anything but shit.  Can’t I just get a bag of the awesome ones like peach and root beer? It’s like Jolly Ranchers you buy a bag and you only eat half since you hate the other half.  And who the hell likes banana flavored anything?  I like – or at least don’t mind – a banana but for some reason anything that is banana flavored tastes like what happens after you ferment a banana in a hookers asshole filled with toxic waste and used embalming fluid.  Well at least it isn’t coconut.

Back onto my new computer.  It’s great I mostly use it for looking up shit when playing video games so depending on your view it may not have been worth it.  But fuck you I contributed to the economy something way to many people don’t even pretend to do.  Still you don’t care and probably shouldn’t…

I realized the other day I only use my vacation days when I want to go to a concert in the middle of the week and don’t want to go into work the next day.  Considering I have a ton of the things saved up I really need to take a real vacation.  The problem with vacations (or even weekends) is that I am never more angry at work than after a day off.  I really need a new job but they pay me to live in Japan (although that’s probably not why I get the paycheck) so I can’t complain that much.  No, no I can, fuck these guys.

Money can’t buy happiness but it can buy pleasure and that’s good enough.

So apparently in several cities they have been having racial charged flash mobs.  Now the police and politicians aren’t calling it that and a lot of places are kind of pretending the racial aspect of it doesn’t exist but it does.  This is wrong tell the truth about things no matter how ugly.

Just so you know in the event of a race riot I will shoot anyone involved no matter what their skin color is so leave me out of your idiocy and in the event of a race war I completely condone the use of chemical, biological and nuclear weapons against all parties involved.    Seriously I’m not going to fuck around with you morons.

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I hate it here…

I’m back: Drunken Ranting, Politics And Other Things You Need To Care About!

Ah, I’m back.  I know how much you all missed me.   I’m sorry, I truly am, but I am back now so you can all stop cutting your wrists and crying yourselves to sleep every night.   I was just really busy doing things like going to a concert every weekend, watching every season of Stargate: SG1 and Arrested Development, getting a girlfriend, getting a promotion at work, getting a demotion at work, breaking up with a girlfriend, getting promoted again at work and well generally doing everything but paying attention to this blog.

Anyhoo, I have a couple things I need to post that I have worked on in my absence, but I think I’ll start off with a good drunken rant.  So everyone pour yourself a drink, put on your seat belts and your self-righteous sense of indignation and let’s get with the ranty…

Julian Assange the rapist that runs Wikileaks is in the news a lot.   I find it funny that the guy claims to be protecting free speech and trying to keep the public informed about the actions of the government(s) but how come he only goes after countries that are already for the most part open societies?  You never see this douche ever releasing tones of documents from China or Iran? If the fuck really cared about all the crap he says he does his site wouldn’t be quite so one sided.   The keep saying they have a bunch of dirt on Russia and China they are going to release but they never get around to it.  Why is that?  Plus the guy is yelling that if Sweden tries to have him arrested on rape charges or if he is extradited to Sweden he will release more stuff.  Really?  Instead of trying to defend himself against the rape charges he tries to blackmail everyone into not doing anything about it or he will release stolen classified documents.  He is a good guy to say the least.  If the fuck hadn’t raped those girls you think he wouldn’t need to try to blackmail the world into getting out of it.  Fuck him.  OK so maybe he didn’t and it was just some girls angry that he nailed them both in the same week, still does the loser have to try to blackmail people to get out of it?

North Korea is acting up again.  By this point I don’t even know if it qualifies as news.  A more shocking headline might go like this:

“North Korea acts like a civilized country”

Even China is trying to find a way to tell them to fuck off without making it look like they have capitulated to the West.   It’s so bad that China told the U.S. not to send a Carrier Group into the China sea and when the U.S.  did it anyway to fuck with North Korea China didn’t say shit.  Hugo Chavez won’t even talk to them and he will suck up to anyone that hates the U.S.   Look North Korea, if China will not lift a finger to protect you there is no way you can win a war with anyone.  Remember Iraq?  The countries government was destroyed in weeks.  Yes there was still fighting after that but that was a bunch of angry jihadists not a country’s army.  You have a big army but they are extremely underfed and poorly supplied.  Your missiles rarely do anything other than blow up the launch pad and your most “advanced” jets are so old one U.S. Aircraft Carrier could destroy your entire Air Force before lunch.  I know you might be able to make a little trouble in a war but unless you are trying to commit suicide you might want to take a moment and think about what you are doing.

Potential dates should come with warning labels.  Like “I’m really married and have kids but I want a boyfriend on the side.  And no you can’t date other people, I don’t want you cheating on me”.  Fucking hell people are crazy.  I find out you are married and you get angry at me for having a problem with it?

Other good warning labels would be:

“I have kids I’m not going to tell you about”

“I’m not going to mention I’m not here legally until it’s too late”

“I’m just trying to get a sugar daddy/mommy”

“I’m going to make this as serious as possible even though I know I’m moving out of the country/state/city… Well…  You get the point”.

“I’m already pregnant with someone else’s kid”

“I have (inset name of STD here)”

Fucking hell, dating sucks.  Thank god I never had to deal with the last one.

The TSA.  Yes apparently they now either have to take naked pictures of you in a machine that causes cancer or caress your junk in order to let you fly.  I’m all for reasonable security but is this really necessary?  They don’t even know the long term effects of the machines.  There is serious worry that is could cause fertility problems and problems to pregnant women but fuck it lets do it anyway.  Come the fuck on people!  We all know who the problem is.  It’s pissed off Moslems.  Stop strip searching old ladies and tourists and go after the real threat.  Pissed off Moslems.   I don’t mind the metal d detectors or the bag x-rays but shouldn’t we be focusing our efforts on the people who want to blow up planes?  Like pissed off Moslems?  Even the terrorists with the ELF and ALF aren’t trying to blow up planes.   Saying it’s wrong to profile pissed off Moslems is like saying it’s wrong to profile sex offenders or serial killers.  Fucking hell people buy a fucking clue.

Anyway if you do want to do the full body scan and not the sexual assault portion of your security screening at the airport I suggest everyone puts on a stap-on dildo when they do it.  All the women will look like they have a penis and all the men will look like they have two. Also make sure you smile at the screeners like a pervert and see if they have enough balls to ask the questions you know they don’t want to ask.

People need to be more honest in relationships.  If you only gave me your phone number and kissed me was because you were drunk just tell me that before I spend 10,000 Yen on tickets to a concert for us so you can do everything in you power to avoid me.  Hell why the fuck did you tell me you wanted to go with me when I asked?  I’d chalk this up as someone trying to get a free ticket to a show if it were not for the fact you showed up so late you missed 95% of it.   Really I just want to thank you for that.  I spent 5,000 Yen so you could see the last two songs.  Hell, by the time you showed up I figured you were not coming (especially since your friend showed up and said you weren’t) and was having a great time with this other girl who you then thankfully cock-blocked me from when you did show up only to once again continue to mess with me just enough to make me think I had a chance.  Seriously, fuck you.

I live in Japan as people who have read this crap I call a blog before might know.  Japan really needs to get rid of Article 9 of their Constitution (it’s the one that says they can’t have a real military for people that don’t know).   They do, China is a fuck but they aren’t really attacking anyone (that isn’t one of their own people) but North Korea is a problem.  Plus they just need too.  It’s time they woke up and took charge of their own defense.  I’m not saying they need to get rid of the U.S. that partnership is good for both countries but they can’t spend the rest of their existence depending on another country for their defense.  The second Japan wakes up and builds themselves a real army, navy and air force it will give North Korea a whole new set of things to be worried about.  They might even stop trying to lob missiles over the country and kidnapping Japanese children.  Right now the Japanese politicians like getting themselves elected bitching about the U.S. Military knowing that they will never do anything about it.  They know they don’t have the balls to to kick America out (something they can do at any time) because they want to be protected by the U.S. but still be able to use it as a wedge issues at election time.  Plus they don’t want to spend the money it would take to deal with national defense.  It’s a joke.  Stop it.  It’s not 1946 anymore.  Grow up.

I would follow you into hell itself Petty Officer Hashimoto!

Why did several of my non-American friends wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving on their Facebook pages?  I don’t get it?  You’re from Poland or Japan!  I know you have some American friends and all I just think it’s odd.

Speaking of Facebook I really do not know why I have an account.  I have a regular email address people can use.  I really do not know what the point of most of it is.  Especially the status updates.  Fucking hell I really do not know why you need to post pictures of what you made for dinner or the fact you are shopping at some fucking store.  It’s like the height of vapid egotism.  I understand maybe telling people you got married or that you will be in town for the weekend.  I get the invitations to events.  But for the love of all that is holy I have no idea why I need to know you are currently reading Green Eggs and Ham to your kid.  Plus how they hell are you reading to your kid and posting on Facebook at the same time?

Why can you buy everything NIN has ever released on iTunes except their first album?  I can either buy it off iTunes for $9.99 and the money goes to the band or I can get it for $3.00 at a used record shop and they make no money.  Think about it guys.

Speaking of iTunes, has anyone else had the problem were the track names are wrong?  I had that happen a couple times were all the song names moved down a rank so track 1 had track 2’s name and so on.  One time it was just all jumbled up.  This has only happened like 3 or 4 times though so I’m not saying it’s all fucked up but it’s not always correct.

Apparently the other day some Egyptian officials have said the recent shark attacks around the Sinai Peninsula may be a plot by the Mossad proving once again there is nothing Moslems won’t try to blame on the Jews.   It’s like they think Dr. Evil is running Israel.  The sad thing is that Egypt is one of the saner Moslem countries.

The Berkeley City Council is considering a resolution to declare Pfc. Manning, the asshole that stole then released thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks a hero.  What the fuck!  I understand that Berkeley is one of the most insane places in America but come the fuck on people, how the hell is releasing classified documents to foreign nationals while in a warzone heroic?  It’s treason you shitheads.  Why the hell haven’t we walled off California from the rest of the country?  We could let Puerto Rico in as a state and still have 50.  We could either have the unwashed communist douche-bags that make up Berkeley or we could have Puerto Rican girls and mofongo.  Think about it.

Speaking of Wikileaks a lot of people have been attacking people and companies that didn’t support them.  So much for free speech I guess.  It’s cool to have free speech when you want them to release classified documents but not OK for other people to use their own freedoms to disagree with you.  I really would like to know exactly how much hypocrisy you can spill out before cognitive dissonance starts to manifest itself in your brains.  Fuck now I’m going to get attacked…

I have always liked the quote “Your failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part”.  Sometimes it starts with “your piss poor planning”.  Really if you knew about a project months ago and did nothing do not come to me 5 minutes before I leave work and try to tell me you need something by tomorrow.  Not only are you expecting me to stay late to get you out of your own fuck up but you and trying to tell me that everyone who had come to me well in advance needs to wait because you fucked up.  It’s rude and irresponsible and I’m not going to screw over other people because of your mistakes or laziness.

And here is a funny ass video I found on Because No One Asked.

I know what cat tastes like.  I also know what dog, horse, alligator, kangaroo and sea urchin taste like, and they are tasty!

Speaking of eating cat, why do people think it is disgusting?  You eat things like shrimp and crab right?  You eat lobster and that is just a giant underwater cockroach.  But cat is gross?

Food

Not food?

The Yakuza video game series is coming out with 2 new games and one has zombies!!! It’s like Sega has finally read all my letters and death threats.  OK they already put out 4 in Japan but it won’t come out in English till March 2011.   5 has the zombies but I don’t know when it is coming out in English.  It better be quick Sega, it better be quick…

See the awesome?  Do you see it!!!

They say the insane man never questions his sanity.  So that would mean only the sane ever ask themselves if they might be crazy, but can someone really be sane if they feel the need to question their sanity?

If you are trying to rationalize or deconstruct that the farther away from the truth you will be. Seriously you should be laughing you humorless pretentious fuck.

I really think the Emo kids should be thanking Hipsters.  Why?  Because at least they finally have someone out there more useless and annoying than them.  Good for you Emo kids you finally have someone to look down on, someone to pick on, aren’t social hierarchies fun?

What is the point of the “Wink” on dating websites? Is it just saying I like you but have no idea what to say so hopefully if I wink at you will start and conversation and I don’t have too?  Are we to shy to just say hello so we just wink at everyone hopping one of them will introduce themselves?  To be fair the wink at least makes more sense than the “poke” on Facebook.  Why would you poke someone.  It’s considered rude in real life but on the internets you are supposed to poke people?  At least a wink you can tell yourself “hey they think I’m cute or fun” or something.  With a poke all I want to do is say “Stop poking me you fuck it’s rude”.  But I can’t do that because then they might think I want to talk to them.  They need a punch button.  You’d get a nice email from Facebook saying something like “You have just been punched by Robert Henderson for poking him” or “You have just been punched by Megumi Nakahara for your Farmville request”.

The Grocery store by me house needs to stay open later.  I run out of beer around 9 but you always close at 7.  It’s not my fault that I didn’t know I wanted to keep drinking after you close.  Sometimes I only want a couple and sometimes I just don’t care that it is Wednesday and I have to go to work tomorrow.  You need to be there for me guys.  You know I love you…

Hmm…  Beer run…

Why did you need to know that?

You didn’t, it’s almost like this is Facebook…

Seriously why the hell do I even have a Facebook account? The only time I ever post anything it to make fun of other people’s stupid posts of post random Megadeth and Misfits videos for no reason.  Well at least it’s not Twitter…

Why do I pick on Twitter you ask?  Well because I pick on everything.  That and Twitter is the only thing on the planet other than maybe Kanye West that can make I Can Has Cheezburger look deep and meaningful.

FYI Kanye West has a Twitter account.  I’m just amazed that hasn’t caused an black hole that is slowly draining all intelligence out of the universe.

 

Wait I might have spoke too soon…  Fuck… Now I have to talk about Dancing With The Stars.  Why do you fucks make me do this?  And Why do I do it when I know that i don’t have too?  God how I hate you all…  First off I will tell you I have never watched this show and have no wish to do so.  I just don’t care. It’s a fucking TV show about dancing for fucks sake!   So why am I talking about it?  Well apparently people got so worked up about Bristol Palin being on it and the fact that she wasn’t kicked off that they called the FCC to complain and demand and investigation of the show.  Some people went so far as to make really threatening comments and one guy even shot his TV over the fact she was on it.  Look crazy people you win the show by having the most votes, and enough people called in to vote to keep her on so she stayed no matter how bad you think her dancing was.  Plus she didn’t even win the fucking thing.  OK, sanity check for all you fucks out there.  IT IS A SHOW ABOUT CELEBRITIES (IN THE LOOSEST POSSIBLE DEFINITION OF THE TERM) DANCING.   AND WE GET THIS WORKED UP OVER IT?  Seriously it’s a stupid show about people who we might know having a dancing competition it’s not that important.  More idiots bitched about Bristol Palin’s dancing than said shit about that fact North Korea started shelling a South Korean island killing several people.  Do you hate Sarah Palin that much that the fact her daughter – who is not in politics even the littlest bit – had people vote for her on a fucking stupid reality show about b-list celebrities dancing that you act like it is the end of the fucking world while North Korea and Iran are trying to start WWIII?  Seriously you need to get your priorities strait.  Bristol Palin’s dancing has no affect on the planet or anyone’s daily life.  It’s not fucking important.  The fact that North Korea is trying to start a fucking war with South Korea and may have nukes is important.  The fact that their friend Iran is trying to get nukes is important.  Bristol Palin’s dancing does not have the potential to start a nuclear war in Asia and the Middle East.   If Bristol Palin’s dancing is biggest issue of the day I would say the world is a good place.  The problem is that it’s the least we have to worry about and that is what you morons chose to pay attention too.  Fucking hell…

I always liked the quote from the Joker in the 1989 movie Batman “This town needs an enema”.  I really think we need to say this world needs an enema though.  And a couple punches in the face…

I always hated Christmas.  Not because of the religious parts and not even because of the commercialization to the point where it has nothing to do with the religious aspects.  I always hated it because of Christmas music.  Most Christmas music is fucking terrible and annoying.  You go into a store and you here the same couple songs over and over for a month (if not sometimes longer) strait.  I once had a job were not only did they pipe the shit over the speaker system but in the front where I worked they had something else playing music so you had to listen to two different Christmas songs at the same time. Stop it, just stop it already.  Then there are the annoyances about people expecting you to be with your family and get presents for everyone and all that shit.  My family has email and I might even remember to send a message every other year so lay off.  On the presents thing, last time I check Christmas was about celebrating the birth of Jesus.  Jesus got presents on his birthday because it was his birthday and he was the son of fucking God.  You’re not the son of fucking God so why should you get anything?  You don’t expect to get presents on your mom or Glenn Danzig’s birthday do you, so why do you have to get greedy the second Jesus wants to party a bit?

For all this talk I do celebrate Christmas in my own way.  I play Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues, watch the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers The Martians and get drunk.   Basically do the same thing I do on Valentine’s Day only without the crimes against humanity…  This year however there is a Rockabilly show with Burlesque dancers and Santa Claus…  I’m going to hell aren’t I?

Iran was in the news the other day for sentencing someone to be blinded by acid.  As sad as it is it is a step up from their usual stoning to death rape victims.  At least this guy did commit a crime.  I guess it was a slow week for them since they didn’t have any homosexuals to hang or students to rape and murder.  Fuck you Iran, fuck you.

 

 

 

 

I hate it here…

Ronnie James Dio Dead At 67

That sucks.  Really it fucking sucks, the guy rocked both in his solo stuff and when he was with Black Sabbath (yes Ozzy was the best but come the fuck on, Sabbath had some good fucking albums with Dio).

So here is some Dio by himself and then some Dio with Black Sabbath.  If you don’t like the shit you are the kind of person who has sex with their sister, has AIDS and killed Jesus!

Holy Diver fucking rocks.

Die Young From Black Sabbath with Dio.

And Heaven And Hell.  More Dio and Black Sabbath.

R.I.P

Llama out and unlike most of the rest of you Dio wasn’t a bitch.

To The Guy That Invented Auto-Tune, FUCK YOU

I am sick of it, really every other mother fucker on the planet is using this stupid shit and it sounds like crap.  I seriously sounds like someone is singing through a fax machine under water.  It’s annoying.  I understand you feel the need to use it because you can’t actually sing (I can’t so I play guitar and drums) but stop it, just fucking stop it.  If you can’t sing just do drunken karaoke like the rest of us and if you want to be in a band learn how to play an instrument.

You are destroying what is left of Music and there isn’t much left!

Last Target: Punk Rock From Japan

It’s really sad, these guys broke up, or I think they did, some of the wording on their website was hard to read, althoug they do have English and Japanese, some of the English is a little off (not that I’m complaining, it happens).  I didn’t know about these guys till I went to see a show this weekend to see some some other bands I know about and they were headlining it.  It was their last show, it was good and fun to go to the after-party, but sad that it was to be no more.  If it make you feal better you can get their last album  Tokyo Shakedown on iTunes and if you go to their website you can order some of the others as well as merch.

I love this band, so, so sad…

Here is some other fun from them:

Densha Gaijin: Or Drunken Fun With The Japanese Train System And Other Atrocities

For those not well versed in either the Japanese language or not a giant Anime nerd the title is a joke off the TV show Densha Otoko (Train Man) and the phrase Baka Gaijin (stupid foreigner, sometimes it’s an implied Stupid American since they are the most common of the foreigners here discounting the Koreans).

Anyhoo back to the drunken fun that was my weekend.  So on Friday night The Exploited were playing at ACB Hall in Shinjuku in Tokyo.  The part of Shinjuku I was in was Kabuki-cho an area known for music clubs, hostess bars, massage parlors and the Yakuza.  Half of it’s a red-light district but they have a lot of clubs for music and a lot of bands play there.  It’s a nice place, it’s like Roppongi only a lot cheaper and with class.  Kabuki-cho was the model for the fictional town Kamuro-cho the setting for the video game Yakuza (the greatest thing in video games since Tetris), and if you have played the game you can tell.

While downing several beers at a Korean restaurant that was nestled in the heart of the love motel section of town I had the useless urge to play with a fortune machine on the table, yeah it was probably a waste of 100 yen ($1) but I was bored.  Anyway since I didn’t pay any attention to what it was before I popped in my coin I didn’t pay attention to the zodiac signs on the side and instantly picked the wrong one.  The nice waiter who was Korean but was obviously a native Japanese speaker asked me if I could read Katakana, I can’t so he read it for me, well suffice it to say that this was my lucky day, it wasn’t.  It couldn’t be since everything else that had happened so far that day was canned dog shit but I wasn’t paying attention, it was my lucky day!  OK for the record I don’t buy all that zodiac BS anyway it was just fun and I was having it.  Before I paid the check I realized that I had put my money in the wrong slot and that this was not my fortune but really who cares, it’s all the same thing right and it was time for more wandering around till the concert started so off to explore did I went.

kabukicho1-thumb

While exploring the town I nerded out quite a bit at my joy of being in the middle of what was the model for theater square and other settings in the game Yakuza, sadly I didn’t have a camera on me so no pictures were taken (not that you care), but such is the life I live, lucky for me I can steal pictures off the Internets.  Mind you the Yakuza thing is only interesting if you’re a drunken nerd with too much time on his hands (something I at least don’t look like as long as I am standing next to my friends who are much worse, like my version of a girl’s fat friend), You might not care.  You should but you don’t.  And right now you are  probably still wondering why you read anything from this skid-mark on the information superhighway, but like always, I digress…

Kabuki-cho

Well the concert was fun, I think the Exploited played every other song they ever wrote.   It was fun, I drank, I moshed and even got the chance to sing along with several songs, well parts anyway, everyone in the front row got to do that but really how many times in your life do you get handed the mic and allowed to sing a refrain from Porno Slut, Sex & Violence or The Massacre?  So I was happy and filled with booze.  It was a good night and that’s when things got fun in the other sense I often use the term in.

Time to go home, it’s a little late and I don’t think I will be able to make the last train home so I have two options.  Try to get down to Roppongi and try to crash at my friend’s apartment or I go to Yokohama and either hole up at my friends bar until he gets off work and scam a rid home from him when he gets off work or at least hole up till 5 in the morning till I can get the first morning train home.

I chose option C.

I decided to go for the Yokohama option unfortunately I got on the wrong train.  Well it was the right train, just going the wrong way.  By the time I realized my mistake I was very far away from my intended destination, I had no idea where I was but I knew I wasn’t even in Tokyo anymore, I wasn’t even in the right Prefecture (it’s like a County). I was a little sloshed, I can’t afford a taxi home, and my Japanese is not what I would call good.  So what do I do, well I jump off at the next stop and run around the train station looking to see if there was a train going towards any of my original destinations, there wasn’t, I was fucked.  Or was I?  This is Japan, they all learn English in school, although they can’t all speak it very well but can usually read it to some extent, but there is always someone.  Plus even when no one can speak a word they love to drink and I have spent many hours dragged around to bars by a group of Japanese when barely anyone knew what was being said.  Drinking is the national sport, not Sumo or baseball it’s drinking.  I needed to find a bar.  Bars in Japan often stay open all night so people can drink till 5am when the first trains start running especially on Friday and Saturday nights.  I needed a bar, but I didn’t know the area and from what I saw from the windows on the train I didn’t see the neon lights that usually tell you that there is an area around with a  lot of bars or clubs.  What to do.  Well it’s easy walk the hell out of the station and turn right, yep there it was an entire strip of bars and clubs I was home free, I was saved, I was…

OH FUCK!

It’s bad, this wasn’t a strip of bars it was a strip of hostess bars, and this could be a problem.  A hostess bar is a bar staffed with attractive woman whose whole point it taking you money, and I didn’t have enough to spend the next 5 hours in one just to hole up.  The basic point of one of these bars is you pay by the hour and you get to talk to an attractive woman and she tries to get you to buy her overpriced drinks and stay as long as they can get money out of you.  The problem is some of these places are very expensive.  They also don’t always let foreigners in since they don’t speak Japanese very well and that doesn’t helpthem get your money since the girls are there to talk to you and pretend to be nice even if they hate you.  If the bar is staffed with foreign girls you sometimes can’t get in because they get embarrassed working there if people from their home country come in.  Either way it was going to be expensive and I might not have a hideout.  I knew I couldn’t get into most of them since while walking down the street the guys that work at the places trying to get people to come in were not paying any attention to me, hinting that I wasn’t welcome.  That didn’t matter I was looking for a real bar and I didn’t see one, it was looking bleak.  Then I hit the jackpot, someone approached me and asked me if I wanted to go into his bar, he said “it’s cool we have girls that speak English”, I politely tried to tell him I would either need to find an ATM (something I had already failed to find) or preferably I needed a regular bar (my first choice).  A little confused he told one of the girls working there to talk to me, she spoke English and was from someplace in South America, I think Columbia, I’m not sure but she was cute and since all my experiences with Columbian woman have taught me that Columbia is filled with very attractive woman, I just assumed she was Columbian.  Anyway I told her my problems and that I wanted a normal bar to go, I apologized to her since she was helping me and would not be getting the money she would have been hoping to score off my drunken ass for her bar but I was on a mission.  Lucky for me she told me were the closet place was. I had passed it, but it wasn’t hard to do since it was in the basement of this building surrounded by hostess bars and didn’t have a large sign, but now I knew and knowing is half the battle (the other half is killing the other bastard before he kills you). So it was off to my haven.

Now I told you the bar was in the basement but this isn’t the kind of place you find in America, Japanese put as much crap into every single building they can in Tokyo – and from my experience everywhere else – since it’s so crowded so a Japanese bar in a basement isn’t a shit hole usually.  Most music clubs are in basements, and many bars, and this was a nice bar.  Granted all the patrons turned around and looked at me funny, since it was an area of town you don’t get many foreigners in and by this time the black eye I had acquired at the concert was starting to show.  I looked out-of-place.  Lucky for me everyone was inquisitive, not hostile and they had Red Stripe, I was safe.  Granted most people couldn’t speak English so it was amusing as I tried to explain how I ended up there for a bit till someone showed up who was fluent in English and explained it to everyone.  To say the least everyone had a very good laugh at my expense but I made friends, by the end of the night we were all singing along to the Clash and yelling Kampai (cheers in Japanese).    All in all it was a good time, and eventually sometime the next day I was finally able to get home and go to sleep around 1 in the afternoon since I was strung out on all the nights booze and the energy drinks I was chugging to keep myself awake for the very, very long ride home.

Is this the end of the story?  OH hellz no.  That was just the build up.  Time for making fun of the Japanese train system.  I love it, it is so nice, especially in a country that I do everything I can not to drive in (and not just because my car sucks).  Really it’s nice because it’s easy to get around and there is a train station always close (at least 20 minute walk).  The problem with it is that you sometimes have a tendency to fall asleep, the Japanese have this built-in alarm clock that forces them to wake up at their exact stop no matter how drunk they are.  Where I, once asleep (even if sober) will not wake up and that is how the fun begins.  Many times have I fallen asleep and  found myself very far from my intended destination, the funny thing is that the train will go to the end of the line and start going the other way so when you wake up you have no idea of the trains direction and have to jump off at the next stop to find out if you are going the right way.  Sometime you are sometimes you are not.  The thing is sometimes you find yourself so far in the other direct you realize that it’s going to take you an hour just to get back to place you started at (and you stop was another 25 minute past that), this is bad, and frightening since you know you have the next hour and a half to fall asleep and start the whole thing again.

missed your stop

Sleeping on the train is normal, everyone does it but remember using other people as a pillow is very, very bad form.  The rudest of all train sleeping is using an old ladies shoulder as a pillow, it’s wrong, that’s someone’s grandmother you bastard!  However while the rest of the train looks at you like you are a serial killer or a Democrat, from my experience the old woman doesn’t seem to mind, or at least doesn’t show that she does.  Why is this?  I can only assume that her grandmotherly instincts kick in and that she feels sorry for you young tired ass.  The last time I pulled this one I woke up kind of startled and feeling bad only for the nice lady to pat my head and say something like “It’s OK son, just go back to sleep” with an amused smile on her face, my friend laughing at me on how funny it looked and the rest of the train doing what all Japanese do while on the train and pretend they are in a bubble and nothing is going on no matter how much they might want to slap me or try to get the school girls phone number (even if they are forty).  So I did what any polite person would have done and went right back to sleeping on my new Japanese grandmothers shoulder.  Yes I am a terrible person.  Mostly because I think I forgot to visit on her birthday this year…

drunk on the train

I Think I’m Ranting Japanese, Ranting Japanese, I really Think So…

drunk in japan

Orange juice, yes common orange juice, why do I bring it up, because it’s good, not in the states but in Japan.  For some reason all orange juice in America doesn’t taste right, especially the crap with the pulp in it that feels like you’re drinking orange flavored egg drop soup mixed with peanut butter and it doesn’t really taste like an orange. It’s orange like, but not orange. Try it some time, fresh squeeze  your own and then buy some at the store and see the difference, In Japan however it tastes like it’s fresh squeezed.   It’s great, god did I miss it while I was away, plus to make it even better you can put Shōchū in it and make a Chu-hai, oh god how tasty that one is, it’s hangover juice but so, so tasty.

It’s been a month and still not one major English language news organization has bothered to mention the fact ousted Honduran President Manuel Zelaya tried to rig the vote in his referendum.  Yep, keep selling the Honduran people down the river guys.  I would yell at the UN, EU, OAS and the Obama administration, but we already know they are a bunch of bastards, there are at least some journalists still out there with integrity, or there used to be I guess.

I don’t remember who said this but it’s funny:

“The bad news is that North Korea can hit the US with nukes. The good news is that they can only hit San Francisco and Seattle.”

The sad thing is I live in Japan now and they like to fire the things over our heads, and if I know anything about North Korean technology it sucks so the question is how long it takes them to shoot one that does not make it very far and it hits us.

I saw a car called Naked today, yes there is a car called a Daihatsu Naked, Daihatsu is the company naturally, they also have a truck called the Atari and the child in me wants it really badly he would even give up cookies for a week.  The adult in me just realized that his investments rebounded and has to keep telling himself not to buy it, Yes it’s called an Atari, no you don’t need it.  Stupid adults…

My love life is as follows:
Dreams are only dreams when you are asleep, after that your just lying to yourself.

I’d still burn whole countries to the ground for you though…

Since I have been in Japan I have had conversations with two different people where I justified the dropping of the atomic bombs, the first one asked me if I could be a guest speaker at one of the collage classes she teaches (something I was unable to do at the time) and the other looked at me like I was a moron.  You could call me insensitive but it’s not that, history is filled with things people don’t want to talk about, I will, not because I’m insensitive but because I care about the truth, and the truth can be ugly.  History is filled with things we would rather gloss over or lie about, but you can’t or should not do that.  I love Japan, I love the people, I really do, but I’m not going to sit here and lie, I’m not going to walk away from ugly truths, I can’t it’s not me.  The younger generation doesn’t know because they don’t want to teach it in schools, they don’t want to say what really happened, they talk about the two atomic bombs and little else, if you ask them about Nanking they don’t know about it or it’s whitewashed.  If you point at me with fingers to accuse me of Nagasaki, I say Nanking, we all have our faults but don’t pretend yours are not there and expect me to grovel over mine.  It’s not America where they seem to intentionally talk up the bad things their country has done and pay little attention to the good things, Japan is the opposite.  Interestingly enough, they don’t hate America as much as Americans do, and might even like it more, they just whitewash a few things form history.

I know a man that was in the Imperial Navy during the war, he’s a really nice guy and we have had quite a few long conversations.  I didn’t talk about the bombings with him because I didn’t want to, we talked of other aspects of the war, the Kamikaze pilots and the fact he was part of a secret suicide mission involving submarines that never got off the ground due to the end of the war.  He was saddened by what his country had done, not because he looked at the bad things and wanted to stick his finger in it’s eye but because he was a part of it so he feels guilty.  I understand but I know it wasn’t his fault even if he was a part of it.  The thing is people want to feel guilty especially in the west for things they didn’t do, just because their country did it, I wouldn’t blame the current Japanese for Pearl Harbor or Nanking, since they didn’t do it, and you can recognize the sins of old without wallowing in them like many in the west do, or at worst they condemn their own countries for something long past.  The same man I speak of would also buy rounds at the bar for any American sailor he met, he would shake his head and laugh, “I was in the navy too”, he would tell them to be safe and wish them luck.  He was jaded by the war but at the same time they where his younger brothers, he could never condemn them or leave them, only hope to teach them what he had learned.  No one hates war more than a veteran but no one loves a soldier more.

Before anyone tries to yell at me about the atomic bombs and how bad they were, remember this war is a terrible thing, it always will be, but those two bombs ended a war and they took less lives than the normal bombing raids over any city during that war.  Yes it was terrible but so is life and so is history and while you can never – or should never – completely divorce anything from emotions you cannot let it rule you, that leads to irrationality and you lose sight of the truth.

As much as I love punk, Megadeth is still one of the best bands ever.

I was watching a video on Youtube by Suicidal tendencies and a bunch of asshole were talking about Metallica and how much better they are, you know what fuck Metallica, really, who cares if you think one is better of not, Suicidal tendencies kicks ass, and unlike Metallica they never sold the fuck out.  Yes Metallica made more money and sold more albums but who cares, people like crap music, Coldplay, Britney Spears and Madonna have sold tonnes of albums, that doesn’t make them good that only makes them popular crap.  Just remember this no matter how much money Metallica makes or how many albums they sell, Megadeth will always be and has always been a better band and they know it.   Yeah that might be a cheep shot at Metallica but when it all comes down to it it’s true, and Suicidal Tendencies I also a better band as well.

I think the oven at my house might suck, if you put on 400 I think it ends up about 20, but if you put it on 500 it ends up about 10,000.  Thanksgiving is going to be fun because it’s going to be at my place and I need to make the turkey.  My microwave is the same way, since it’s an American one is runs off of 110 volts were in Japan things run off of 100 volts so it takes much longer to cook things.  The voltage issue makes things fun, your digital American alarm clock will slowly loss the time because it will run slower than it’s supposed to so after a couple weeks you will be very late for work.  That’s why mine runs off of batteries, so I don’t have that problem, I could just buy a Japanese alarm clock but I got used to my little crummy battery powered one so I don’t bother.

Why yes it might be early to talk about Thanksgiving, but really fuck you.

I know the answer to the question “Do these pants make my ass look fat?”, it’s yes, because no matter what you say you’re going to get into a fight, so if you just say yes eventually you will get the greatest gift a woman could ever give a man, she won’t ask those kind of questions any more.  Granted she might also give herself the best gift she could ever have and get a divorce.  Either way someone wins.

I’m sick of hearing the “Think of the children argument”, I’m not going to “think of the children”, because one, I’m not Michael Jackson, and two I don’t have any.  They are your kids, take responsibility for the choices you made in life.  But no, people can’t do that anymore and since I won’t willingly take other peoples responsibilities onto my own shoulders they resort to emotional blackmail to get me to do it anyway.  Well I won’t, if you want my money be honest about it and just try to mug my ass, and I’ll do to you what I do to all muggers and put a .40 S&W Hydra-Shok through your rib cage.  Seriously though, politicians and the teachers unions have been using this crap for years over our schools, and we keep following them and our school keep getting worse, why because it’s a joke!  The politicians and unions do this to get more of your money, and the parents do this because they don’t want to have to be parents, and we all pay the price, even the kids (who you need to think about you insensitive bastard).

Since I have lived in Japan I noticed some things, like sarcasm and irony not only don’t translate very well but are almost unknown to much of the population.  Granted it’s also a place were the romantic comedies have higher body counts than Saving Private Ryan and the game shows look like an episode of Jackass with questions, so what should I expect.  And I’m talking about real irony, not the douchebag irony all the hipster assholes think is cool but is really just annoying and stupid.  Really though, I love it out here it’s just that subtle forms of humor do not always go through the language barrier very well.  And before you start yelling I know they have sarcasm in Japan, just watch the show Gin Tama and you will know they do, it’s just that Japanese comedy relies more on phisical the phisical side.

It’s a short  rant today, have fun.

I hate it here…

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