James Cameron vs. Glenn Beck

I think Cameron just got pwned.  Really Titanic did suck, and Celine Dion does suck, and you put them together and it made more suck.  But Cameron is a little bitch that does not get the concept of a joke.  So to help out Mr. Cameron in this new “joke” concept I’ll explain it to him.  A joke is your entire career after Terminator 2.  Yes you did make money, but so does Michael Moore and no one pretends that he is anything more than Jaba the Hut with a Che Guevara t-shirt.  Money doesn’t make you less of a humorless jackass, just ask Sean Penn.

Quote Of The Day

You see, you just can’t trust anyone.  The first time I let a girl in my life and she tries to eat me.

I loved that, it’s a quote from the movie Zombieland, if you have not seen it do so, now.  Plus since Valentines day is close it is really relevent.

Nerd Rage and Terminator: TSCC

Considering my ability to bend people to my will I thought I would once again lend my hand in helping nerds everywhere much like I did when I forced Sega to release an English version of Yakuza 3.   But today this isn’t about Sega, who for now is once again in my good graces this is about Fox and how they are terrible bastards.  Now before every moron on the planet starts in on this I am not talking about Fox News, I don’t have a problem with them this is about the regular TV channel and their dubious choices.

Now why is Fox a bunch of Terrible bastards?  It wasn’t bad enough what they kept doing to Futurama but now they had to go back to being asshole and they canceled  Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles.  Yes I’m late on this but I almost never watch anything till it comes out on DVD so I’m always late on this sort of thing.  Anyhoo I spent the last two weeks watching the entirety of both seasons and lets say I’m a little annoyed that it’s over.  Well a little annoyed isn’t quite the word for it, Nerd Rage would be a better term.  It’s a certain kind of unholy rage that only happens when people do terrible things such as Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Episode I, II & III, or trying to remake Akira, setting it in New York City and staring Leonardo DeCaprio and other such crimes against humanity.  Look, most TV sucks, so when TV finally pulls it’s head out of it’s electronic ass and makes something worth watching it cancels it (Rome, Kings, Deadwood, Welcome to the N.H.K. to name a few).   What the fuck is wrong with this world?  Keith Olbermann,  Desperate Housewives,  and The Hills are still on TV but Terminator: TSCC gets canned?  Is there no God!?

Everyone knows that they watched the entire series and just as the credits rolled on the last episode yelled “What the bloody goat fucking hell that’s it, that’s all, what kind of communist bastard would do something like that!?”  Yes I know terrible things have been done to mankind here, maybe not quite as bad as The Star Wars Christmas Special, but pretty bad non the less.

Here’s the deal, we all know that eventually we are all going to be eventually be murdered by sentient robots, but till that time is it too much to ask for some decent entertainment before we get marched off to their work camps and forced to build our own destruction?  That’s all any of us really want, it’s not like I’m the only one out here in what will soon be Skynet’s electronic playground asking for this.  Why don’t you just listen, was it a mistake to bring back Family Guy?  No, what is so wrong about this?

All I’m asking is that you bring back the show, at least you can try to finish the story line off by making a movie like they did when you morons canceled Firefly.   Oh right, you did not do the movie someone else did.  Good job on that one fuckholes.  Maybe I should be talking to Universal, maybe they want to make the money you apparently do not want.  The point is that if you do not finish this in some way I’m going to make sure those sentient murderbots – who are destined to murder us all –  know exactly where you all live.  And if that doesn’t make you think you might have fucked up a little I will also make sure you get visited by a random hoard of brain munching zombies.  Now I know what people out there might be thinking. Could the idiots that canceled the show have any brains for the zombies to eat?  No, no they don’t but by the time hoard of undead diners get through the skull and see the lack of delicious head meat it will be too late.  What kind of world will it be to live in when we spend every day having to deal with an army of angry nerds, very disappointed and hungry zombies, malevolent androids bent on Mankind’s destruction and nothing good to watch on TV?  It’s going to suck, it will suck so hard that it will make The Star Wars Christmas Special look almost nice, right before we all use our last bullet on ourselves of course.

Do the right thing, do it for the children.  Do it for your children, who might be home when your new robot overlords and their zombie companions come calling.

.

I hate it here…

All The News I Felt Like Talking About. And Making Fun Of.

Brothels, Gambling, Organized Crime, Who Cares About That, I think That Kid Over There Has On A Leather Jacket And Might Get A Tattoo!!!

“Japanese youth, hassled by haiku”

Woohoo poetic guilt trips!

Please do not discard

Your empty cans or fag ends

Or morality

Japan’s remorseless finger-wagging now comes in haiku form. This one appeared yesterday on a municipal billboard on a Tokyo street boasting two brothels, an illegal mah-jong parlour and a yakuza money laundry. But these are not the target of the poetic puritans — instead, as ever, it is young people and their ne’er-do-well ways.

Japan’s under-18s have a dismal lot. They are well behaved and hard working despite monstrous betrayal by their elders. Soon after they are out of nappies, the young are “offered” a deal: work hard, make yourself sick chasing a job you will hate and spend your life paying off the world’s biggest public debt as the most selfish generation in human history enjoys its dotage.

And the framers of this one-sided contract reserve the right to blame the young for every social ill out there. This invariably takes the form of a national moraru (moral) or mannaa (manners) drive.”

The sad thing about this is that my dad sent this to me so there is a very good chance he showed it to my mother.  I just can’t wait to hear this haiku next time I visit:

Why not married yet

I want more grandkids now

Don’t you love me, son?

Now I Know Why They Keep Their Woman In Full Garbage Bags

“RIYADH — Health authorities in Jeddah have shut down an “illegal” women’s fitness centre attached to a hospital, closing one of the few venues where Saudi women are able to exercise, local media said on Wednesday.

Although health officials have repeatedly blamed the high rates of heart disease and diabetes in the kingdom on poor diets and lack of exercise, health authorities said women’s fitness centres were not allowed…

While gyms for men in the gender-segregated conservative Islamic society are permitted, women’s health clubs are forbidden, despite a clear demand shown by a surge in underground facilities in the past two years.”

Yes it is illegal for woman to have gyms in Saudi Arabia.  They can’t even have gyms just for woman to keep them from the men they just can’t have them.  Does Saudi Arabia have any laws that are not batshit insane?  Really I know you use Islam for the basis for a lot of your crazy laws and I understand that Islam has a tendency towards the insane considering it was invented by a pedophile warlord but come the fuck on people.  I really don’t think there is anything in the Koran that says a woman can’t do a little cardio a couple times a week.  Even Scientology lets you go to the gym, why not you guys?

I Would Understand If It Was A Twilight Novel But A Cell-phone?

“A 13-year-old Saudi schoolgirl is to be given 90 lashes in front of her classmates after she was caught with a mobile camera phone.

The girl, who has not been named, was also sentenced to two months in jail by a court in the eastern city of Jubail.”

Oh, right it’s Saudi Arabia again.  It all makes sense now.  Has Saudi Arabia produced anything that wasn’t either oil or fucking insane?  I seriously think it’s were crazy was invented.

And The “No Shit” Award Goes To…

“World saw declines in freedom in 2009, think tank finds”

At least it wasn’t just us…

“Washington (CNN) — The unsolved murder of human rights activists in Russia. Their detention, torture and murder in Iran. Their jailing in China and Vietnam.

Attacks on journalists in the Philippines, Pakistan, Mexico and Somalia.

Coups in Africa and Central America.

All isolated incidents around the world that together made 2009 a grim milestone in world freedom, according to a United States think tank that tracks liberty around the globe.

Declines in freedom around the world outweighed gains last year, for the fourth year in a row, Freedom House says in its annual survey published Tuesday.

“This represents the longest continuous period of deterioration in the nearly 40-year history” of the report, writes this year’s author, Arch Puddington.

There were only 116 electoral democracies around the world in 2009, the group found — the lowest number since 1995…

Declines in freedom around the world outweighed gains last year, for the fourth year in a row, Freedom House says in its annual survey published Tuesday.”

I think they forgot Obama’s czars and the fact our Constitution barely means shit to our “leaders”, but at least we know we aren’t alone in this spiral into shit.

Is flag@whitehouse.gov still working so I can report myself?

If You Kill Yourself You Can Make The Movie Stop

“James Cameron’s completely immersive spectacle “Avatar” may have been a little too real for some fans who say they have experienced depression and suicidal thoughts after seeing the film because they long to enjoy the beauty of the alien world Pandora.”

Oh, wait it’s not because the movie is nothing but 8 hours of mind numbing propaganda you want to get away from any way you can (including suicide), it’s because they actually believe the shit.

“Ever since I went to see ‘Avatar’ I have been depressed. Watching the wonderful world of Pandora and all the Na’vi made me want to be one of them. I can’t stop thinking about all the things that happened in the film and all of the tears and shivers I got from it,” Mike posted. “I even contemplate suicide thinking that if I do it I will be rebirthed in a world similar to Pandora and the everything is the same as in ‘Avatar.’ ”

Come the fuck on it’s a movie and a bad one at that!!!
“When I woke up this morning after watching Avatar for the first time yesterday, the world seemed … gray. It was like my whole life, everything I’ve done and worked for, lost its meaning,” Hill wrote on the forum. “It just seems so … meaningless. I still don’t really see any reason to keep … doing things at all. I live in a dying world.”

Really?  Please for the love of god you need to get help!  The movie barely has a plot except for what they stole from fern gully, Pocahontas and Dances With Wolves, then they turned it into a rape fantasy.   The only message in this movie is:

1.  We had pretty pictures (but are still behind almost every video game made in the last 5 years) and no original plot.

2.  Humans are evil.

3.  It’s wrong to rape the planet through mining but it is completely OK to rape every animal and plant on the planet as long as you say it’s spiritual or something.

Seriously, fuck this movie.

Crazy, I love Crazy

“Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said his country suffered after invasions during World War II and he will “stand to the end” to get full compensation, the Jerusalem Post reported.

Ahmadinejad said he’d write to U.N. secretary General Ban Ki-moon to ask for compensation for damages caused to Iran during the war, and for use of its territory and resources by allied powers, the Post reported.”

Did you do anything to help stop the Nazis?  Oh, wait you didn’t and in fact your government while technically neutral supported Germany in WWII?  Oh, sounds like I could give a fuck about your little claims for compensation.  Really, it was a World War, shit happens and you did nothing of any use.  I bet if I said the Shah needed compensation you wouldn’t like that now would you?  Really fuck your demands Alamadamadingdong?

It gets better though:

“Ahmadinejad reportedly also warned that Iran may demand similar compensation for the first World War.”

Yes Alamadamadingdong wants compensation for Iran for the first World War.  Um… Last time I checked Iran was part of the Ottoman Empire in WWI, so why don’t they try to get their compensation from them?  Oh wait it was only because of WWI that the Ottoman Empire fell allowing Iran a chance to become Iran.  And even with that you where still on the losing side, next time fight harder bitches!  Still what about the Shah?

I hate it here…

Tuesday Night Rants And Other Idiocies

Having an existential crisis is for people that wants to think too much without actually having to think.  Do you want to know who you are?  I know and it’s probably written on your drivers license, start there and you might figure it out.  Unless your stupid of course, and if you are stupid your are having an existential crisis right now so all of this means nothing.

Apparently it is completely possible to make money off of a web comic and yet almost never update the thing.  I have no idea how this works.  A person starts a web comic and they make no money off of it yet update it either every day or every other day (regularly anyway) and yet suddenly when they start doing it as a job (were they are presumably attempting to use it to pay rent and for their family) and suddenly they can’t figure out how to do it on the same basis.  When they were not making money and it was just a hobby and putting in at least 40 hours a week at a regular job they posted 3 times a week, when they are doing it as a job (as in that’s all they have to do) it’s maybe 3 times a month sometimes less.  How the fuck does that work?  If  you  gave me  a regular paycheck and a bottle of gin I could post on here every day if not several times a day, what’s wrong with you?

Harry Reid has claimed Republicans who are against the current health care bill are just like people who fought against ending segregation and slavery.  Wait… What?  That’s interesting since it was the Democrats (you know Reid’s party) that supported slavery and segregation and it was a Republican that ended slavery and it was a Republican that wrote the Civil Rights Act.  So Harry do you know what you are talking about?  really, it was your party that was for these terrible things you might not what to use them to bludgeon other people.  Please stop it with the race baiting someone might actually read a history book eventually and realize you’re a fuck.
News Update:  Global Warming still bullshit!

Some people take music to seriously, really it’s just music, it’s not the end all and be all of life.  Granted some people might say I’m not one to talk but really there is a point kids, it’s music not a lifestyle.  Johnny Cash wrote the song “When The Man Comes Around”, he also wrote “Boy Named Sue”.  Think about it.

Speaking of Johnny Cash, am I the only one out there that likes his version of “Hurt” better than the original Nine Inch Nails version?  Seriously the original is a good song but I just love the Cash version.  It’s kind of like how Bob Dillon can write a good song but I always like the Jimie Hendrix or Mike Ness versions are better.  Granted I love NIN (or did when they were good) but Cash owned that song.

Seriously, what the fuck happened to the Stealers?  I didn’t expect you to get a seventh ring this season but what the fuck is going on?  The Penguins are doing well, they have a shot and just didn’t die, why are you?

Did you know there is a monster iceberg heading for Australia?  Really, there is, everyone run!  It’s the end of the world!!! It’s interesting but does anyone that isn’t stupid think it’s going to sink Australia or something?  Oh you do?  You’re a moron, please never have children.

The funniest thing I ever saw was the other day there was a poll taken and 45% of the people polled said they would rather have Bush back than Obama as president.  Seriously 45%?  Come on how bad do you have to suck when Bush is getting those numbers on you?  That’s just sad.

Speaking of Obama he just accepted a Nobel Peace Prize and increased the number of US troops is a war.  Wait, how does that work?

Oh but he does do such nice speechifying doesn’t he?  OK he might if you can either stay awake long enough for him to get through the first hour of crap to get into the second and third hour of him saying a whole lot of nothing without wanting to shoot yourself, I guess he does.  I don’t even thing his teleprompter is paying attention after 5 minutes.

Now take a walk back in time to were smoking and drinking are so commonplace they are almost even mandatory, even when pregnant.  Now since we all know both of those things mixed with other harmful chemicals such as lead paint – and god knows what else in the food – that was common at the time would have a negative affect on a nations youth.  They are almost certainly going to end up having massive amounts of psychological and probably physical problems. Think about it, in 1941 no one would think anything of a pregnant woman smoking 2 packs a day while licking lead paint and drinking a 5th of whiskey, but what does it really do?  What where the consequences of that on the child?  Joan Baez that’s what happens!  Same thing if you are talking about 1937, and what do you get for it?  Jane Fonda, it kind of explains the 60’s doesn’t it.  Massive quantities of people with mental deficiencies is only going to lead to a large quantity of hippies right.

It’s almost Christmas.  So I’m going to do what I always do.  Drink too much listen to Fairytale Of New York by the Pogues one too many times and watch the MST3K version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians and avoid the shit out of my family.  Good times!

I guess it’s a slow Tuesday, I don’t have much else.

I hate it here…

Drunken Ranting, Yeah you Missed It. Didn’t you, DIDN’T YOU!!!

The best drunken wisdom I have heard at a bar:

“Through genetic engineering it is possible to create a unicorn, yet we still can’t make a marriage last.”

Twenty minutes later I finally stopped laughing, got off the floor and ordered another beer.

Mother nature is a bitch, really she is, I have proof.  Remember every other movie about love where it starts raining the second something bad happens or a heart breaks?  I though it was just a cheep way to create drama (well it is) but it apparently really does happen.  Take today for instance, well some back story first.   Me in my infinite wisdom goes out last night to a punk show and end up thoroughly drunk, enough to make sure my morning was less than pleasant, but I have a lunch date today (For once I wasn’t wearing a Megadeth or Misfits t-shit, it had buttons and a collar, it was serious and I was pretending to be an adult and shit,… I was going to propose…  Um, I hope that wasn’t the plan… It was a rough morning…  Anyhoo, everything was going to be perfect, like in the kind of movie I usually “accidentally” shoot myself to get out of watching…  but I digress…).  Well here is where it gets fucked (or it should get fucked whoever it was that did this shit, I blame Vishnu, because he has a lot of arms and that means a lot of hands to do a very good multi-hand bitch slap).   So the exact moment I get a text message from said potential date saying that not only did she forget about the date but was not going to be showing up it starts fucking raining, just like every movie John Cusack has ever been in (or every other movie about love on the fucking planet).  Isn’t the rain supposed to be a cheep metaphor or something?  It’s not supposed to actually happen in real life right?  Fuck you movies, fuck you Mr. Cusack, and fuck you Mother Nature!  I’m not recycling any more, and next time I change my cars oil I’m poring it down a drain, no more proper oil disposal for me, and I’m also going to pay migrant workers to rape Captain Planet, and steal Heart Kid’s wheel chair.  Fuck you world, fuck you!

Speaking of nature and all that bullshit, how is the whole global warming thing going?  Oh I know hackers are bad people reading and posting other peoples emails but considering all of those emails were supposed to be released under the various “Freedom Of Information Laws”, laws that the bastards decided not to pay attention to when they had been requested I could care less about the legality of said hack.  They didn’t think this shit would come out?  Then not only do they intentionally warp the data to get the results they want and hide data that doesn’t agree with what they want but they “lose” all the original data…  Really you “accidentally destroyed the data”, I’m going to raise the Bullshit Flag on that one.  You didn’t accidentally do shit, you did it to hide the fact you have been lying to people for years.  Does this mean “global warming is bullshit, well no it might be happening, it just means that the people who have been trying to blame it on man-made causes have been intentionally fucking the system to claim it was caused by man rather than say, I don’t know, the fact that the earth warms and cools naturally and has been doing so since, I don’t know, the entire fucking history of the planet.  Yeah fuck you guys I’m going to go club a baby seal while Al Gore counts all the money he’s made off of you fucktards.

Life is a joke, and if it isn’t I’m here to make sure it is.

Sukiyaki Western Django is one of the best films ever made.  Really it is, if you don’t believe me feel free to suck off a shotgun (because you should, at least 5 times and while it should work the first time I want you to  make sure you do the job right, because I care… about stuff… I guess…).      Takashi Miike is the best film maker that has ever lived (well close enough he didn’t make The Goonies but I will give him a pass on that one), he is though, watch Ichi the Killer, Ley Lines or Sabu and tell I’m wrong (please try to tell me I’m wrong, I’m fucking armed to the teeth and have the self-control of R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting).  Anyhoo, what could it be that makes a movie great, well all the things everything needs, guns (six shooters because I was raised off of reruns of The Lone Ranger and Fraggle Rock, one has something to do with this the other when you think about it still does), Japanese woman (because unless you are a Korean woman they are better than you, BETTER THAN YOU), martial arts and guns (yes I said it twice, everything needs more guns, and Asian women, and guns…).  It’s a Japanese spaghetti western, a comedy, and did I mention it was from Takashi Miike (Miike Takashi if you want to say it all proper Japanese like).  As an added bonus not only did George Lucas not have anything to do with this movie but neither did the people that created Twilight and if those are  not a selling points I don’t know what is.

I can only imagine Heaven is taking all the best things in life and putting them together.  This wouldn’t make sense in real life because it is hard to contemplate mixing it all together.  Think about it like this.  Take punk rock, beer, sex, sleeping and tacos and do it all at once, it doesn’t work (are it would be creepy), but in Heaven it does, because that is what Heaven is; punk rock, beer, sex, sleeping and tacos all at once, all the time.    I can only imagine hell being all the worst things in life all put together, like California, Saudi Arabia, France, pop music, Nacy Pelosi, coconut and George Lucas, all at once, all the time.

It’s short, but I got shit to do, or drink… anyway I’m out.

I hate it here….

Mad Max 4: Oh God Why?

So they might make a new Mad Max film.   I’ll let that sink in for a little bit…

 

OK, first the good news.  George Lucas and Steven Spielburg will have nothing whatsoever to do with this film.  The bad news is that even if Lucas and Spielberg will not be here to Donkey Punch more of your childhood there is a good chance your childhood will still be molested  a bit.

 

George Miller the man who directed Mad Max is going to direct this one too so it might not be all bad, but remember he was responsible for Beyond the Thunderdome (not as bad as people say it is but still kinda sucks) and Happy Feet (I would rather shoot myself in the dick then watch this shit and they are making a new one), so if you’re lucky they might sell suicide pills at the theaters concession stand.

 

Did the movie industry run out of any original ideas?  Really there are millions of books out there that haven’t been turned into movies use one of them, at least if your going to just rip off something that already exists find something that hasn’t been turned into a movie or make another fucking remake.  Not Shakespeare!  That mine is so dry and polluted people will soon be making movies based off of West Side Story thinking that shit was the start of it all.

 

Mel Gibson will not be in this movie, it’s probably a good thing but that means they are going to have another actor play the part of Max Rockatansky.  Couldn’t they just had it in the same world and a new protagonist with a new story?  Max Junior, one of the kids saved at the end of Thunderdome, anything really.  Sometimes using a new actor to play the same part can work but it doesn’t always.  In fact most of the time it fails miserably like when Katie Holmes was replaced by a Bloodhound in The Dark Knight to play Rachel Dawes.  It took years for Batman to come back from the atrocity that was George Clooney and nipples on the Bat-suit and even then they tried to throw it all away by digitally altering Batman’s voice into idiocy and casting Jake Gyllenhaal’s dog as the main love interest for the second movie.  The point is filmmakers cannot be trusted.

 

With all these remakes we are getting dangerously close to some asshole trying to remake The Goonies, and I swear to God that if some douchebag even thinks about this I will start a nuclear war just to stop it!  Yes.  I am serious.  I am perfectly willing to annihilate all life on this planet in order to stop that from ever being made.

 

 

I hate it here…

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