eHarmony Told Me I Would Die Alone.

Nihon Hikikomori Kyokai

Nihon Hikikomori Kyokai

So I decided to do an experiment to see what eHarmony would give me after I did the whole survey to see the “key dimensions of personality that predicted compatibility and the potential for long-term relationship success.” and other nonsense. Well guess what my results where from these people?

“Sorry unable to match you”

and the fun little explanation:

“eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

So complex you couldn’t find shit? maybe make it a little bit simpler so I got a chance? Like “Well these Freaks might be close enough so have fun”.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Read as “You are such a loser science can’t even help you”.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.”

Yes apparently even though I put in parameters so that it would take people from at least 60 countries covering well over 2 billion woman on the planet I am not compatible with a single one of them, and my mom still keeps asking me when I’m going to get married. I’m just happy that they were at least nice enough not to just come right out and tell me I was going to die alone, but they really didn’t need to I guess, I got the point. I wonder if I try again and lie my ass off will I get a better result?

They also give you a free personality profile that was interestingly enough fairly accurate, and I think made me look better then I might really be. It did say quite a few nice things, people don’t usually say nice things about me, so I guess that’s a plus…

1 person out of 2 billion women? Not one, ONE FUCKING PERSON? eHarmony is a bunch of rat bastards. I bet they are going to just flood my inbox with spam from porn sites and call girls since they might guess that might be my only hope at this point according to them.

Fuck you internets, fuck you!

UPDATE: So I redid the survey and lied my happy ass off then set the parameters to cover the entire world this time to see what I would get.

Guess what I got?

Nothing, still nothing.  I can’t even lie to people on the Internets properly, and that’s what the internets is for!    Well I am going to go drink a beer and beat to death some of those annoying emo kids to make myself feel better.

No I didn’t do that, I just think this is funny.



  1. I’m going to guess that if their algorithm can’t narrow a list of matches down to a manageable number then it says that it can’t match you. Try being rather specific and see if that works.

    In fact, try using bizarre criteria. That would at least be entertaining.

    On a related note, I met my husband by placing a personal ad in an independent newspaper.

  2. hmmm so I might have hope? I will have to try the bizarre criteria thing and see what happens.

    Hi I’m Letters’ and I like long walks on the beach, cheep vodka and killing the homeless. My favorite song is actually the white noise you get from the radio when it is not on a station and my favorite sport is midget tossing. My favorite food is roast border collie with mint jelly and a side of pickled asparagus. I have been working in the grave robbing industry for 5 years now and trying to start my own assisted suicide business. I am a nice caring person and I swear I have only ever killed hookers and the homeless so you should be safe.

    I think that should do it.

    The thing is that if the algorithm can’t make a match then how can they claim that the personality profile is accurate? It was all for the lolz anyway.

    If you really want a good laugh look at the personals section of Craigslist that is some funny stuff.

  3. I think you should test my site and see if you find a partner

    GloDate – Meet someoneonline, anywhere in the globe

  4. And sarcasm and humor lose once again…

    You apparently didn’t get the memo that this was all a joke. Granted I really did do the survey and all that but it was all just an experiment for fun.

    However if I can get just as much humor out of making fun of your site as well then I might try it. So thanks for the set up I will have fun trashing your little site.

  5. Try the personals on kijiji.


  6. Can anything be worse then craigslist? Cause that is really bad.

    I checked it out didn’t find anything funny. I might look more some other time.

    On another topic I went to the Glodate crap and it didn’t look funny enough to bother with any experimenting. also told me to fuck off but I really put a lot of random crap into the profile so it makes sense.

    I think I am just going to find love the old fashioned way, get drunk at a bar find a drunk girl have bad sex in the back of a beat up Camaro and get married when I find out I got her pregnant. What can I say I’m a romantic kind of guy. Now all I have to do is buy a Camaro or an old Firebird I think that will work the same.

  7. I have been scratching my head over online dating ever since the first site was launched. As someone who has actually hooked-up with girls I met on the Internet (long before online dating) and suffered the disappointment, I honestly can’t understand why people still have faith in this nonsense. I am also quite experienced with computer “algorithms” and an algorithm that can measure personalities is the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard of. eHarmony is a site for comparing writing styles, that’s about it. Let me dispel this online dating nonsense once and for all:

    – I dated one girl in the 90s I met on IRC, she was mentally ill (and overweight)
    – I met another one from a dating site and she was ok but very lonely (and overweight)
    – I met a woman online with sexual identity issues, good kisser though
    – I dated one woman who regularly screamed at her dog and liked dying his hair blue

    On the other hand:

    – I dated a girl I met camping on the other end of the country working on her PhD, pretty and voluptuous.
    – I dated a sweetheart with a masters degree in theology I met dancing
    – I dated a wild child I met on the beach with a thing for hockey and animation
    – I met a cutie on a volcano with a wicked sense of humor
    – I am dating a girl I met at a halloween party who has connections with all the powerful figures in this city.

    Stop investing in online dating, it doesn’t work. It’s like enjoying a symphony in Morse code.

  8. Johnny, I don’t know if you need to be getting a gold medal in missing the point or if you are just here to rub it in my face that you have a girlfriend and I don’t.

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