How Alcohol, Anecdotes From My Life And Sex Have Led Me To Solve The Problem Of Racism

I’ll tell you a funny story about race.  While I was in collage I was sitting in my academic advisor’s office (I’ll get it out-of-the-way and say she was black only because it is important to this story since the story is about race) while she had stepped out for the moment I started looking around the office at the books she had.  An autobiography of Huey Newton, a book entitled Black Feminism and many other such titles, it was a cornucopia of a certain strain of political silliness, but it happens.  Then I got to one called White People and by this point she had come back into the office and I had also notice the nice picture of her and her white husband (remember Black Feminism), and I started laughing, yes I’m an ass, but something about a person that has a book called Black Feminism being married to a bald white guy (because you know every characture of “The Man” is a bald white guy) comes off as fucking hilarious to someone who grew up watching In Living Color.  She of course asks me why I am laughing and I mention I find it absolutely hilarious that someone actually wrote a book called “White People” (I think it was the play White People and not another book of the same title I didn’t look that hard, the point is that it’s a book called White People).  And that’s where it went wrong.  She wanted  to know what was so funny about a book called White People so I told her, not about the white husband part just the fact I thought a book called White People was funny.  “Why is that funny?”  She asks.  So I tell her “Because race is a joke, it’s nothing more than random genetic traits that people make to much of to the point of absurdity” (this is an actual scientific fact look it up).

And that’s where it went wronger (or “more wrong” depending on your grasp of proper English, wait is that even proper English?  Fuck I need to go to 7-11 to find someone who majored in English in collage… That’s where they all work right? I don;t know, but i know it is Not Starbucks because that’s where all the philosophy majors work so I have to try someplace).

Before I get into the rest let me do a little background work here.  This is the Academic Advisor that did not bother to look at my academic transcripts from my previous universities before our meeting and was supposed to help me with picking my classes this semester having no idea about my previous academic background, something she had more than enough time to do since we set up this meeting 2 weeks prior (as in she wasn’t about to do what I would think was her fucking job).  Then even after I explained to her that I am planning on studying Asian History with emphasis on Japan she spends 45 minutes trying to get me to take a Literature class on writings from American slaves. While it might be interesting it has nothing to do with my intended studies since I am not trying to study literature or American History.  If I really care that much I can go to a library.  I don’t want to pay for a class that will not help in any way (since I already finished all the general requirements and electives I needed).  Like I said, not doing what I would think was her job.  You might as well tell the next kid that comes in planning on Majoring Electrical Engineering to take a class on Epidemiology.

Anyhoo back to the point of this little hate crime.  At this point she got visibly angry, or at least really agitated and got into a long spiel about how race really is important (FYI it’s not, well it is if you a moron, but I digress) and started talking about Michael Vick (it was around the time he had just been charged but before the verdict).   Well according to her Michael Vick was only being targeted because he was black because apparently white people can hold all the dog fights they want, really it’s true look it up. It really is legal for white people to have dog fights and not only that but when white people do it even the fucktards from PETA come out to cheer and every time a dog dies an angel gets its wings (It has to be true since it’s on the internets and the internets is always right, even if the only reason it’s on the internets is because I just put in there… But I digress).  Now since I was trying to be polite and not come straight out and call her a fucking moron I tried to reason with her, why i don’t know, W. F. Buckley talking about why he doesn’t debate communists was running through my mind “because there isn’t much to say to someone who believes the moon is made of green cheese”.  I just didn’t listen, so I kept on because I have the inability to see stupid and not try to correct it no matter how many windmill I must attempt to joust.  “It’s not because he’s black, it’s that he was forcing  dogs to fight to money, and he was killing the ones that wouldn’t.  People love dog, and people hate when you are cruel to them” I said, it meant nothing to her, it was only because Michael Vick was black and that was all.  “If he had been white no one would care.  They are only making a big deal about it because he is black” she said, “No, it’s because he was famous, if he wasn’t famous people wouldn’t have made a big deal out of it, yes they would still be angry but the reason it’s such a big deal is because he is famous and doing something not only illegal but horrible” I cried back but to no avail.  Nothing I could say could get through, my arguments no matter how good or correct could have worked.  It’s impossible to win an argument with someone who cannot believe they are wrong.

To say the least I left that school, not only was my advisor an idiot but the school sucked, the classes and teachers where terrible and I could have learned more drinking myself to death.  Seriously these people are fucking stupid, or insane.  I had an online class and they had us do a group project.  How the hell is that supposed to work?  Where we all supposed to fly to Albuquerque every Saturday to meet up or something?  If that wasn’t bad enough they would give you a grade on anything, you turned in reports and tests and you never got a grade back, it was like you were just dumping your work into a trash can never to be seen again.

OK the school sucked but I did learn something important from it.  Race really does mean something, not how you think but sadly it does.  Race means something because morons want it to mean something, they make it mean something and no matter what evidence on the planet or in science to the contrary to them it always will (people also believe in Scientology, Islam and that Budweiser is beer so let’s not assume the world is playing with a full deck).  It’s sad really because we will never be able to move past the bullshit as long as we keep letting people do this so I have come up with a plan to stop it.  Here’s the plan, never, and I mean never fuck anyone from your own race.  Now mind you it pains me to say this because if this catches on eventually we will not have Japanese or Korean women anymore since their blood will be tainted by the rest of us fuckers, but it’s a risk I am willing to take because I’ll be dead by then (plus it would be hypocritical of me to tell people not to do it since I’m already trying to pollute their gene pool with my seed, granted it doesn’t really matter what my race is since honestly I can only imagine my seed would pollute any gene pool not from Saudi Arabia or California).  What are we really going to lose (other than Korean and Japanese women who – other than maybe Columbian girls – are on average the best of the best when it comes to general attractiveness)?  Are white women and black women hot?  Sometimes, but is a girl who is half and half better?  Oh yes she is?   What about a girl who is half black and half Filipino?  Oh god I was 5 seconds away from kidnaping her and waiting for Stockholm Syndrome to kick in.  Men will do stupid, really, really stupid things for women but I would have started WWIII if I though it would help me score a date with that girl, and that is just for the possibility of a date, you don’t even want to know what I would have done for a guarantee.  Why are Brazilian women hot?  Because they are a mix of fucking everything that’s why (well some more than others but that’s why they aren’t perfect but at least they try).  Honestly it doesn’t always work out. India is a place of mixed genetic lines, and not to offend the place but they have some of the ugliest woman I have ever seen outside of a Phish concert.  The thing is though that they also have some of the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.  It’s weird I seriously think that half of the countries female population puts all the worlds supermodels to shame and the other half should be living under a bridge killing people.  There is no middle ground.   I love, I mean love Japanese and Korean woman but I’ve seen Indian woman who I would murder whole countries just to get their phone number (yes, in my mind that is a compliment) and they aren’t models or anything just normal girls.

The point is, to fuck, but not just anyone you need to fuck people who aren’t of your race, and do it as much as possible so maybe years from now we won’t have to worry about the bullshit that is the racial debate we have now because it would be pointless and silly (well it is now but it will make even less sense then).  Yes folks, that’s the ticket, miscegenation.  Constant unyielding miscegenation.  Not to toot my own horn here, but I’m a fucking genius, I have just solved all the problems of race (while dunk mind you).  You may thank me now (and the people that make Red Stripe beer since they helped if only for the fact I drank a ton of those little bottles of happiness before and during the writing of this).

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