The Drunken Valentine’s Day Rant

Ah, Valentine’s Day is almost here, and as usual The Marriage Project has failed miserably with no end in sight so I’m starting my drinking early in the hopes I don’t remember much about the rest of the weekend.

Ranting will commence in 5… 4… 3… 2…

So every other person I know has kids.  I understand the biological imperative to have children but I can’t wrap my head around being forced to deal with someone for 18 to 20 some years, and that’s just the part where you are forced to feed them,  after that you still have to play family.  Granted I might have grown up in the wrong environment considering on my 18th birthday my father told me to move out and gave me an itemized bill (I can’t say I disagree with his methods and it had to have made me a loan officers wet dream, but fucking hell…).  OK to be fair if I ever have kids I would do the same thing.  The thing is that I can’t say I ever want kids but I do know I will eventually need someone who can avenge my death and kids are great for that.  But do I really need to have kids for that?  Could I get the same results if I started a cult or spent more time with my crazier friends?

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I once bought a Gwar CD for a Valentines present to a girl*, yeah I don’t know why I’m single either…

Yes, this band.

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It’s odd, some things stick with you for one reason or another.  I remember meeting a girl and thinking she was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.  The thing is I have seen girls that I thought that about before and as time goes on I have seen that while they aren’t unattractive they don’t hold up to what I though they where at the time.  A woman you thought at the time was the highest thing you ever saw was nothing to what you would meet later, hell you dated better so why was it so great then?  Youth, stupidity, who knows it doesn’t really matter, people look through prisms no matter what, the past seems better or the present looks magical when it’s not, we see what we want to see and regret what we what to regret.  In this case however it holds up, she still is the  Helen of Troy to my Attila the Hun or Sid Vicious.  Yeah the historical reference doesn’t match up but it makes sense if you know me.  It’s odd, I don’t remember people well, names I forget as people give them to me, faces I’m better with but not by much, but that face sticks out, that one I remember.  Maybe I’m a closet romantic trapped in the body and mind of a cynical hate filled bastard but what am I going to do?  This isn’t a movie, there are no happy endings and I missed my chance (not that I had one at the time, but I could have tried a little more than I did, or tried at all).  The sad thing is that if I ever see that face again I know I will fuck the whole thing up.  I will either say nothing and hide or in some gloriously stupid (and probably drunk) move ask the girl’s hand in marriage.  This can’t possible end well.  For that Angel is not for me, I doubt any really are, but even if there was hope, I can guarantee I will find a way to destroy it.  because that’s what I’m good at, being an asshole, a drunk and a bastard.  It’s comforting when you can accept your faults (the few I have).

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So I hate Valentines day, it’s not that I don’t have a date, I always do.  Well I consider Red Stripe beer and Johnny Walker a date (something that might be the reason I don’t have one that is another person) but it’s not like I’m lonely, just drunk.  I hate it because even if I have a date that isn’t a copious amount of alcohol it’s still a fuck of a holiday.  Really, somehow if I don’t find some way to create the perfect romantic evening (something that is not possible since perfection is not something found on this planet) I have failed as a boyfriend/lover/husband/whatever and not only have I failed at that but as a human being.  Fuck You Hallmark, fuck you all!  It the same reason marriages fail, because people are told that they are supposed to be some perfect thing, Princess Peach and her Prince Charming, and all that bullshit.  What ever happened to finding the person you didn’t kill in their sleep because of your constant presence, someone that would deal with your shit without poisoning your food?  That way eventually when it came to your natural time neither one of you would have die alone.   I’m not talking about murder suicides here so put down the gun and try to relax a bit.  Yeah it’s not a fairy tale but at least it’s realistic.  Too many movies I guess and the closest a movie ever got to love in the real world was Casablanca and Leaving Los Vegas, and who wants to use those as their standards?  Everyone wants to use some bullshit fantasy as their version of chasing the dragon, fuck that I’ll stick with booze, at least that way I’m honest.  Alone, probably drunk, but honest…

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My dad once tried to explain women to me, mind you he was an electrical engineer, but what he said made sense and still does, even my mother agreed.

“Women have 16 circuits but only 12 wires”.

Now for people who don’t get the joke, because you are stupid – or not a nerd – that would mean that at any given time 4 things are not connected.  For people who still don’t get it, fuck you.

My Mom might have only have had 8 wires, but that’s another rant, or well it won’t be, since I know it won’t happen.

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I have heard people say that to find a good woman you need to find one at church, they might be right, but how many good church going women want to many someone like me?

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Does love really exist other than a figment of man’s mind?  I question that.  I understand in a philosophical sense you can love something.  Like a pet, a good beer, a Misfits album or maybe your family. But aren’t you supposed to love your family?  It’s like a requirement, you say you love them, you tell yourself you do because if you don’t some little socially constructed voice in your head tells you that you’re going to hell if you don’t. But back in the real world when you hope God isn’t paying attention you kind of hate them a bit.  All that aside is love an idea or an emotion, does the fact that it is an idea turn it into an emotion when believed strongly enough?  When it all comes down to it I guess I could believe in love on some level, I can believe in insanity and love is just like insanity, only less real and more likely to kill people.

It doesn’t have to happen this way, it really does not, and you could help.  Please click here for details.

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Anyhoo, fuck you Valentines day, fuck you!

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*  Editors Note:  The day after this was posted the girl in question randomly sent a friend request on Facebook.  It’s been 13 years, God has a sense of humor.

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7 Comments

  1. That tang is very much underappreciated, in my opinion

  2. Yeah you’re supposed to love your family but why is it so hard??? I think they are crazier than me for christ sakes and I admit I am bat shit crazy for some of my doings and flying off the handle shit. Hulk Smash! Yes sometimes it is that way. Man I wouldn’t mind a Gwar cd for Valentines day, hell at least I’d get some damn use of it. Unlike flowers where most of them smell like piss for some reason and they’re just gonna die anyways. Plus they jack up the price and make it double around this time cause it’s all about the money. Shit my plans for Valentine’s Day are going out the day before with Haley and Mike, getting something to eat. Prob Damons (they make good long island iced teas and Haley likes ribs) or maybe the Golden Corrall (can’t mess with all-you-can-eat-steak). I’m giving Mike Deadspace for the Wii, giving Haley some candy and then getting a bottle of whisky, come home and play Wii bowling. Valentine’s day is nothing but shit and I don’t really see it as a holiday. I compare it to the last presidential inauguration, wasn’t looking forward to it, but I knew it was still coming.

  3. Valentines day is for the young as far as i’m concerned, once you get married and all that, forget it, i ain’t joining the commercial band wagon. And you’re right God does have a sense of humor.

  4. Yea, just wanted to make a note of it that Valentine’s didn’t goes as planned for me this year. hell I thought I had a good plan, it was thought out and everything………..but what the hell is life is everything went as planned?? Just gotta say I ended up staying home and playing with the little one and then getting drunk. Oh yes I am still drinking as of now…………….what can I say there was a kink somewhere in my plans. I admit it I’m bummed, but what can ya do?? I just drink some more and ramble. I think it helps…………

  5. Ok just wanted to say that I don’t want everyone to take the previous statement the wrong way. My intentions were only to state the fact that life doesn’t go as planned. Don’t worry I wasn’t having a “women’s moment”. And I’m not going to chew someone’s head off if they would decide to comment. I’m not that type of person. I was just wondering the thoughts of others out there. It’s pretty simple actually. ….

  6. “A woman you though way the highest thing you ever say was nothing to what you would meet later”

    nice sentence.

  7. It’s not called a drunken rant for nothing although I did fix that now that you bring it up so thanks for the sarcastic help.


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