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I think the best thing about the Republican candidates right now is Sara Palin. The best thing about the Democratic candidates is they might not win. This is not a good thing. Fuck…
I’m trying very hard not to turn Nixon into a zombie so I can vote for him. I think Zombie Nixon would make a fine president or at least better then the regular Carter anyway.
OK let me explain it another way. Here are your choices:
R – Your Old Crazy Vet Grandfather and the MILF
D – Personality Cult and Captain Foot In Mouth.
Everything else – Not getting elected
Hmm?
I was listening to the radio today for the first time in years, I now remember why I stopped.
I realized today that Slayer, Megadeth, The Sex Pistols and The Misfits can now be called “Classic Rock”. I’m just waiting to hear Last Caress or South of Heaven on one of the Oldies stations.
I feel old…
Money really can buy happiness if you know what your doing. It can also buy love but usually only by the hour.
Make sure you always have someone that can avenge your death. Kids are great for this especially if it is a niece or nephew since you get all the benefits without having to pay for a college fund.
I always wondered how woman could ever be lesbians since every girl I know seems to hate every other woman on the planet.
Am I the only person who thinks it’s odd that China has almost 2 billion people yet couldn’t find enough girls legally old enough for their gymnastics team? And while we are on that how the hell is figure skating a sport? Isn’t it more of a very silly hobby much like train spotting or faking suicide attempts to get attention?
Why is it that the better you know how to play a song on guitar the worse you will be when you are trying to play it on Guitar Hero?
You: Epic Fail.
Friend with no musical talent whatsoever: Rock the hell out if the thing.
WHY?!!
Playing golf on the Wii is the greatest thing ever other then maybe Tetris. Yet in real life golf sucks a fat one. Why?
Reading the personals on Craigslist made me celibate. Really read that crap and if the horror of the people on there don’t make you never want to have sex again you need help.
I think I have Stockholm Syndrome towards my job. Is this normal?
Asking someone you haven’t seen for years when the baby is due is not always a good idea. Sometimes she just got fat.
I really need to spend less time on the internets drinking beer and writing this crap on the weekends. I think I’ll start next month.
Reagan said that you needed to worry about the phrase “I’m from the government and I’m here to help”. This is true I work for the government and trust me we are not here to “help”.
The difference between a politician and a hooker is you pay a hooker money she has sex with you then she leaves. With a politician he takes your money, rapes you, then not only does he hang around and ask for more money he expects you to like it.
Can I vote myself off the island?
Other then the Cleveland Browns, John Madden is the worst thing to ever happen to football. I would pay that guy several million dollars a year just to shut the fuck up and never go near a stadium again.
I now have a reason to go to work. It might just be to check on how my fantasy football team is doing but really what else do I have to do at work. Oh, right, deal with assholes.
If you beat your kids too much they end up as little psychos if you don’t hit them enough they end up as little psychos. It’s a fine line.
I think I have more beer in my house then clean socks. Now ask why I don’t have a girlfriend.
Think about this, Suicide makes people that don’t like you happy so why would you do it? Isn’t it better to stick around and piss those assholes off?
If I offend you at any point please understand that the angrier you get the funnier it is.
I once had someone tell me that I needed to learn more about history. This was after they had said that “they where an educator”. The funny thing is about the conversation is that I was right about what I was talking about. Further more the facts they had sited to disprove that I was saying where completely wrong. A simple trip to Google could have proved that. Here’s a fact for you 50% of kids in American schools can’t preform up to their grade level. So really Mrs. “educator” why the hell would I listen to you? You do not even teach history because if you did I think you would have said that and instead of saying you are an “educator”. Just because they teach history in the classroom next door while you are teaching life science or Spanish doesn’t make you an expert. But hey thanks for proving that the schools are fucked.
Someone told me yesterday that “Only the good die young but you’ll live forever”. Eh, I can live with that.
I once met a lady in New York looking rather confused so I asked her if she was lost and if I could help. She told me she was looking for Democratic voters and it was kind of hard since there where not many around. She is in NEW YORK how the hell wasn’t she finding any? It’s NEW YORK!!!! Hello Mr. Gobi have you seen any sand?
I once knew a guy that tried to fuck a squirrel. By the way how is your father doing I haven’t seen him in awhile.
I finally got around to watching Sara Palin’s speech at the RNC. Can she be president? You can accuse me of voting with my dick but how about this, it’s only half my dick and at least it’s not like Obama’s guys who vote with half a brain.
What the hell was with Thompson at the convention? Really if he had been like that in the first place more then three people might have voted for him in the primaries. What now you wake up?
I have run out of bullshit to talk about right now
I hate it here…
Openly gay diver wins gold
Letters to a Dying Dream 