North Korea Threatens To Blow Themselves Up, World Could Care Less

I spend a lot of my time making fun of North Korea or at least the Tiny Tot they call their leader anyway.  I do it because I care, about humor, political humor that is (if you don’t find me funny you rape baby seals and can watch MSNBC without laughing… I really don’t know what bothers me more about you…).  I also care about Korea, sort of, I care about Korean women because I find them to be rather attractive so if you are a young Korean Woman in her 20’s or early 30’s please go here…  Wait that wasn’t the point of this was it?   What was I talking about?

Oh… Right… North Korea blowing stuff up

OK I’ll be honest, North Korea didn’t threaten to blow themselves up, they threatened to blow up the United States and South Korea.  And while they may be able to do some damage I think they will hurt themselves a bit more than they will hurt anyone else.  First off their main ballistic missile is the Taepodong-2 and it has a tendency to blow up during launch.  Now this might cause a problem for them when they try to blow someone else up considering the Type of dong-2 Taepodong-2 even when it doesn’t blow up during the launch is more likely to act like a boomerang and  still blow up the launch pad  than actually get close enough to do anything.  Yes I know every now and then they get one in the air that doesn’t come back and blow up the poor bastard that tried to launch the thing but it’s not very often.  To put it in perspective the Withdrawal Method has a better chance at preventing crabs than one of those things has of hitting it’s target (unless the target is the launching pad, they are good at that one).  Interestingly enough maybe if they set the target as the launching pad they might get lucky.  Granted this is the same logic that makes me wonder if I might be able to make a hole-in-one while golfing if I aimed in the opposite direction of the green but that’s why I don’t play golf, I’m bad at it, very, very bad at it (unless I’m in someone’s living room with a Wii controller in my hand).  My point is when your only hope is a Hail Mary that requires you to shoot at yourself you might want to find another game to play.  You’d be safer playing Russian Roulette with a Colt 1911.

Well if their missiles aren’t that good they do have other things.  Like top-notch fighter jets…  Wait, nope don’t have that either.  They do have fighters but much like the hilarity that is the name of their missiles their jets are even better.  The North Korean Air Force still use MIG-15’s. Now why is this funny?  Well for two reasons.  The first is that the MIG-15 was top of the line when it was introduced and was a formidable fighter jet, but that was in 1947.  So their aircraft are over 60 years behind the times.  But wait there’s more!  All jets have a number such as the F-14, F-22 and so on, but they also have what is called a Reporting Name.  In the case of the F-14 it’s the Tomcat and the F-22 it’s the Raptor.  Good, strong names.  The MIG-15 is the Fagot.  Seriously I’m not making this up.  the North Korean Air Force is flying around in a bunch of Fagots.  Granted I will give them that it’s not their most popular fighter.  The second most popular fighter – that isn’t for only training purposes – is the Shenyang J-5 that was introduced in China in 1956, but it is really just a copy of the MIG-17 introduced in 1952.  Sadly both the Shenyang J-5 and the MIG-17 are called a Fresco and not say the MIG-17 Dike and then moving on to the MIG-21 Lady Boy (the MIG-21 is a Fishbed, it’s not really a step up though).  Yes their most popular fighter is the MIG-21 Fishbed.  I’m so, so afraid.

This is what the North Korean Air force is made of:

The MIG-15 Fagot

The MIG-17 Fresco

The MIG-19 Farmer

The MIG-21 Fishbed

The sad thing is that the 8-track deck your grandfather has at his house is more technologically advance than the entirety of the North Korean Air Force.

Then there is the North Korean Army.  Yes it is quite large for a country that size, but they haven’t eaten in weeks.  If they ever tried to invade South Korea people would be confused weather or not it was an invasion or a bunch of refugees fleeing across the border looking for food.  We don’t even need land mines on the DMZ we could just drop thousands of pounds of Twinkies and Ramen Noodles on the advancing North Korean Army and it would halt them in their tracks.  Hell the only reason their Tinny Tot of a communist dictator (I know communist and dictator in the same sentence is redundant but every now and then a dictator isn’t a communist or socialist) still pulls this shit is he’s hoping the world doesn’t call his bluff so he can dupe them into sending more food aid.  Sadly it works, I don’t know why but I suspect it’s because half the world feels bad and the rest don’t want to look bad by picking on the kid in the wheel chair.  It’s that or the fact we all know that if it gets any worse we might actually have to go in there and do something.  It would take 50 years and a 500 billion dollars to get them to Somalia levels of civilization.  Think about it like this I could go to Somalia right now and get a cellphone an internet connection and a HDTV and a Blu-Ray player.  In  North Korea I can’t even get an aspirin without having to bride 18 members or Kim Jong-il’s inner circle.  The country had to kidnap a South Korean Film Director and Actress in order to have a film industry and the best the North Korean film industry could come up with was a cheep knock-off of Godzilla called Pulgasari (the only reason this movie was sent to international audiences was because some Japanese guy thought it would be funny).*  In their version he is a nice monster and only becomes evil because of Capitalism (Michael Moore has better stuff and he’s illiterate).  That’s what we are working with here.  That’s why we pay the bribe money, we don’t have kind of money or time it would take to fix them so it’s easier to just leave them to fester and take care of the ones lucky and smart enough to get away.

Granted the world might not have the money to pull North Korea out of the hole they dug but we could afford to drop over more than Twinkies and Ramen Noodles to get them to stop an attack.  But why bother, plus you have to start them off slow.  We are talking about a county where the national dish is Grass Soup and dog meat is considered something only the rich can afford.  Now people do eat a lot of dog meat in North Korea, but if your not connected trust me it’s not dog.  What they call dog meat is what we in the rest of the world call “Longpig”, it’s just easier to call it dog meat than try to explain to your family that you traded their dead Grandmother to the family down the street for their dead uncle (because no one wants to eat their own grandmother and no one in North Korea with believe that you somehow found fresh beef the day after grandma dies).  so dog it is (FYI dog is good and beef like).

So please do the world a favor North Korea and knock the shit off.  Your entire air force can be stopped by one Squadron of F-18’s, your army can be bought off with a couple bags of Doritos and  some instant ramen, your missiles only shoot one way (at the poor bastard that launched the thing) and your nuclear program is only a worry if you can figure out how to smuggle a weapon to a bunch of cave dwelling goat raping Islamakazis who would probably just blow themselves up since they would not be able to read the Korean instruction manual much less translate it into their own language something they also can’t read.

I almost feel bad about laughing at you.  Almost….

.

*  Yes it was a joke and no, the two kidnaped individuals had nothing to do with that film, I was making a point about how crappy the North Korean film industry is since the two individuals were at the time considered South Korea’s greatest director and actress.  For those who don’t know South Korean cinema is good, very good, but even their best couldn’t fix North Korea.  To put it another way, it’s as if you kidnaped Alfred Hitchcock and Audrey Hepburn, make them teach you everything they know and still can’t come up with anything better than a movie Carrot Top wouldn’t be a part of.  They can’t even get to Ed Wood level of bad (I don’t know what is worse Ed Wood or Carrot Top, at least Ed Wood can be unintentionally funny, were Carrot top is trying to be funny but is a hate crime).   North Korean Cinema is so bad Mystery Science Theater 3000 couldn’t make it funny.  And I have seen the miracles they can perform.  Has anyone seen their version of Manos The Hands Of Fate?  That movie is so bad if you tried to watch that movie without the MST3K guys at the helm you would have sucked off a shotgun at the 15 minute mark just to make it stop.  It’s that bad, and North Korean cinema is still worse.

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3 Comments

  1. That was a good post, funny, witty and also quite accurate. I didn’t know about the MiG-15 Fagot though, that’s a ripper.

  2. Yeah, the best part is that a bunch of people in the Navy Intel community us the term MIG-15 as an insult.

  3. I’m wondering what’s up with all the F’s? Fishbed and Fresco and yes can’t forget Fagot. Now how did they come up with those wonderful names for those? I don’t find that creative at all. At the very leat it could’ve been Cornholer, Kidney Punch and Ground Zero. Well at least that’s the names I would’ve came with if I was given the chance…


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