Stop Anthropogenic Global Cooling

Due to the catastrophic effects of Anthropogenic Global Cooling (or AGC) I am now selling Carbon.  That’s right folks since I know people don’t have the time to go out of their way to increase their Carbon Footprint in order to combat AGC and keep the planet from turning into an ice cube so I will be taking it on myself to produce the Carbon for you, for a small fee of course (because I care, about money, and you’re stupid the planet).  This way you can go back to driving your Prius or riding a bike and not feal guilty about your lack of a suitable Carbon Footprint that is destroying our planet.  I know you have been taken in before from people screaming about the environmental impacts on the earth before, but I’m legit, not like those AGW people who have been lying to you for years to steal your money.  They kept telling you about Global Warming and that you had to give them your money but it wasn’t true, we know now that a new Ice Age is at hand and we need to stop it.   I’m going to do something about our problems and save our planet.

How I will use your money to increase Carbon in the atmosphere to prevent AGC:

A.  I will buy several SUV’s and any 8 cylinder car made before 1973 and keeps them running at all times.

B.  I will pave over half the Rain Forest and turn the other half into grazing land for flatulent cattle.

C.  I will give Al Gore and Obama (making sure his teleprompter nevers turns off) crystal meth. Because no one loves to hear themselves talk more then them, other than maybe Hugo Chavez thus increasing the CO2 output from their mouths by 150%.  Yes they are already annoying enough but it’s for the children…  Sorry planet.

D.  I will buy a large coal mine and light it on fire.  Those things burn for years and will give us a steady supply of the rich carbon we need to stave off AGC.

E.  I will punch holes in every single condom on the planet thus ensuring that the world will soon be overpopulated and all the Carbon Footprint goodness that comes with it.  Additionally I will get the CIA to finally release the cures for Cancer and HIV so people can just keep on humping without consequence.

F.  I will help promote an international diet of nothing but red meat, burritos and curry (do I really need to explain this one?).

G.  I will make sure every hippy gets tear gassed twice a day.  I really don’t know how this will help but it’s not like they don’t need it.  Plus nothing gets me centered and feeling good than watching hippies get abused, without that little bit of happiness in life there is always a chance I will stop trying to help save the world and end up blowing the whole thing up.  Really think of it like my own personal Prozac.

H.  I will try to end all recycling programs and all landfills.  All trash needs to be burned to help keep up the carbon in the atmosphere.  The burning will include all trash.  That would be everything, plastics, food waste, old refrigerators, Michael Moore, and the Twilight series.  Before you start bitching; yes I know burning books is bad but really who is going to care in this case,13 year old girls? Really, it’s not like their opinions matter.  If I gave a shit about what 13 year old girls thought I would read the Daily Kos or watch Keith Olbermann.  But I don’t, so I don’t.

I.  Since burning things will help stop AGC we should also burn down the United Nations building (with everyone still in it), this will have two good points.  1. Burning released carbon and that will help stop AGC and two I can’t think of anything that will make the world a better place than getting rid of those fucking rapists, thieves and leeches.  Seriously, I think other than Islam and Marxism the UN might be one of the worlds biggest threats.

J.  I will also use you donations and payments to force scientist to agree with me by buying off the Media and accusing anyone who tries to claim Anthropogenic Global Cooling isn’t real as a Holocaust Denier.  only unlike when the Anthropogenic Global Warming crowd did it we are telling the true (to power).

So now that you have seen the good work that will be done with your donations and or payments to my new business I know you want to send me money now.  So please make out your checks and send them to:

The Stop Anthropogenic Global Cooling Coalition
P.O. Box 1331
4-2-8 Shiba-Koen, Minato-ku
Tokyo, Japan 105-0011

Remember Anthropogenic Global Cooling is the biggest threat facing the Earth today and our coalition is much, much more honest than Al Gore and the Nigerian Prince you met online last week.

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