Culinary Horrors And Indian Food

So I was at an Indian restaurant the other night, you don’t care but you’re reading this so lets move on.  Indian food is tasty, I love Indian food, however I made a fatal mistake.  You see at many Indian joints they have these little after dinner candy that look like tiny jimmies and I believe they are supposed to be some sort of digestive but what the fuck do I know.  I think it’s called a Mukhwa (Mukhwas?), but I might be wrong and I was eating something else.  They are not candy, and I can only imagine that they were invented by either Satan or Nancy Pelosi.  Some might ask what is the difference?  Well while Nancy Pelosi does look like she could command an army of ghouls from the netherworld she doesn’t have enough class to do so.   Satan has class, plus no one would ever believe that Pelosi was once the most beautiful of all the angels…  I digress…  The little candy things, right…

At first they taste sort of like a Good N’ Plenty, candy outside liquorice inside, but with a twist, a horrifying twist.  The other tastes kick in, what is that taste, I have no idea but it tastes like eating incense.  Seriously it tasted like eating incense and a Good N’ Plenty.  At fist this isn’t that bad, and you almost don’t mind it, but it only gets worse from there, the initial candy and liquorice flavor leave and all you taste is incense, and it gets stronger and stronger, within an hour I had consumed several beers, orange juice and a pack of cigarettes just to get the taste out of my mouth and it didn’t help.  Oh God it didn’t help, I was ten seconds away from eating the container of moldy – I have no idea what this is anymore – shit in the back of my fridges in the hopes that even if it didn’t get the taste out of my mouth it would at least put me out of my misery.  Finally I just went to sleep, at least after a good nights sleep it would be gone right?  I was wrong, I was so, so wrong… I could still taste the shit the next day, even after practically drinking a bottle of mouth wash, several more beers, pizza, onion rings, chili fries, tacos, another pack of smokes, shrimp flavored potato chips and wasabi flavored rice crackers I could still taste the shit deep, deep down. I’ve enjoyed eating sea urchin for fuck’s sake.  I can eat anything.  This was a hatecrime!

Seriously India what the hell have I done to you?  You lure me in with the Kingfisher beer the garlic nan and keema matar and you do this to me?  Why?!  Did I kick your puppy or something?  Is it a practical joke?  Look a good joke is fun, like telling someone that wasabi is really a Japanese form of lime jello.  But wasabi only does it’s thing on the victim for a moment, then it’s gone and fun was had by all.  This lasts for days, that’s not funny it’s a crime.  It’s like you are trying to tell people that unless they come back to your restaurant  and order the spiciest curry there they will never get the flavor out of their mouths.  That’s not a marketing scheme, it’s blackmail and a hostage situation!

India, you make such nice food why would you do this to people?


I hate it here…



  1. And that’s exactly why I don’t mess with Indian food. I tried it once and that curry shit seemed to me like those little fucked up candies you speak of. I didn’t like it, my stomach didn’t like it and that was it for me. Screw trying to expand my horizons with food after that happened. The farthest I will go is greek or lebonese. Give me a good chicken gyro or a nice spiach and cheese pie and I am good. Screw you Indian food! That is not for me. But I do feel bad for you, ya tried to get it out. I will only light incense I can’t imagine that taste in my mouth. Don’t mess with that shit anymore. I would take that as a warning if I were you.

  2. Indian food is good, I love it, this stuff was just evil.

  3. Well it’s certainly Mukhwas that you were snacking on, normally they are delicious but it sounds like you ended up with solely the candied fennel seeds which are an acquired taste for sure.

  4. Scotch is an acquired taste. The first time you have it you are not sure what you are supposed to be drinking. But after a second or third time you understand it’s goodness. This isn’t that This is evil.

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