Drunken Ranting, Yeah you Missed It. Didn’t you, DIDN’T YOU!!!

The best drunken wisdom I have heard at a bar:

“Through genetic engineering it is possible to create a unicorn, yet we still can’t make a marriage last.”

Twenty minutes later I finally stopped laughing, got off the floor and ordered another beer.

Mother nature is a bitch, really she is, I have proof.  Remember every other movie about love where it starts raining the second something bad happens or a heart breaks?  I though it was just a cheep way to create drama (well it is) but it apparently really does happen.  Take today for instance, well some back story first.   Me in my infinite wisdom goes out last night to a punk show and end up thoroughly drunk, enough to make sure my morning was less than pleasant, but I have a lunch date today (For once I wasn’t wearing a Megadeth or Misfits t-shit, it had buttons and a collar, it was serious and I was pretending to be an adult and shit,… I was going to propose…  Um, I hope that wasn’t the plan… It was a rough morning…  Anyhoo, everything was going to be perfect, like in the kind of movie I usually “accidentally” shoot myself to get out of watching…  but I digress…).  Well here is where it gets fucked (or it should get fucked whoever it was that did this shit, I blame Vishnu, because he has a lot of arms and that means a lot of hands to do a very good multi-hand bitch slap).   So the exact moment I get a text message from said potential date saying that not only did she forget about the date but was not going to be showing up it starts fucking raining, just like every movie John Cusack has ever been in (or every other movie about love on the fucking planet).  Isn’t the rain supposed to be a cheep metaphor or something?  It’s not supposed to actually happen in real life right?  Fuck you movies, fuck you Mr. Cusack, and fuck you Mother Nature!  I’m not recycling any more, and next time I change my cars oil I’m poring it down a drain, no more proper oil disposal for me, and I’m also going to pay migrant workers to rape Captain Planet, and steal Heart Kid’s wheel chair.  Fuck you world, fuck you!

Speaking of nature and all that bullshit, how is the whole global warming thing going?  Oh I know hackers are bad people reading and posting other peoples emails but considering all of those emails were supposed to be released under the various “Freedom Of Information Laws”, laws that the bastards decided not to pay attention to when they had been requested I could care less about the legality of said hack.  They didn’t think this shit would come out?  Then not only do they intentionally warp the data to get the results they want and hide data that doesn’t agree with what they want but they “lose” all the original data…  Really you “accidentally destroyed the data”, I’m going to raise the Bullshit Flag on that one.  You didn’t accidentally do shit, you did it to hide the fact you have been lying to people for years.  Does this mean “global warming is bullshit, well no it might be happening, it just means that the people who have been trying to blame it on man-made causes have been intentionally fucking the system to claim it was caused by man rather than say, I don’t know, the fact that the earth warms and cools naturally and has been doing so since, I don’t know, the entire fucking history of the planet.  Yeah fuck you guys I’m going to go club a baby seal while Al Gore counts all the money he’s made off of you fucktards.

Life is a joke, and if it isn’t I’m here to make sure it is.

Sukiyaki Western Django is one of the best films ever made.  Really it is, if you don’t believe me feel free to suck off a shotgun (because you should, at least 5 times and while it should work the first time I want you to  make sure you do the job right, because I care… about stuff… I guess…).      Takashi Miike is the best film maker that has ever lived (well close enough he didn’t make The Goonies but I will give him a pass on that one), he is though, watch Ichi the Killer, Ley Lines or Sabu and tell I’m wrong (please try to tell me I’m wrong, I’m fucking armed to the teeth and have the self-control of R. Kelly at a Girl Scout meeting).  Anyhoo, what could it be that makes a movie great, well all the things everything needs, guns (six shooters because I was raised off of reruns of The Lone Ranger and Fraggle Rock, one has something to do with this the other when you think about it still does), Japanese woman (because unless you are a Korean woman they are better than you, BETTER THAN YOU), martial arts and guns (yes I said it twice, everything needs more guns, and Asian women, and guns…).  It’s a Japanese spaghetti western, a comedy, and did I mention it was from Takashi Miike (Miike Takashi if you want to say it all proper Japanese like).  As an added bonus not only did George Lucas not have anything to do with this movie but neither did the people that created Twilight and if those are  not a selling points I don’t know what is.

I can only imagine Heaven is taking all the best things in life and putting them together.  This wouldn’t make sense in real life because it is hard to contemplate mixing it all together.  Think about it like this.  Take punk rock, beer, sex, sleeping and tacos and do it all at once, it doesn’t work (are it would be creepy), but in Heaven it does, because that is what Heaven is; punk rock, beer, sex, sleeping and tacos all at once, all the time.    I can only imagine hell being all the worst things in life all put together, like California, Saudi Arabia, France, pop music, Nacy Pelosi, coconut and George Lucas, all at once, all the time.

It’s short, but I got shit to do, or drink… anyway I’m out.

I hate it here….

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2 Comments

  1. “…everything needs more guns, and Asian women, and guns…”

    Amen to that, nice rant.

  2. As for that whole rain thing, yeah that’s great. Isn’t lovely when life gives ya a good kick in the nuts? Now of couse I don’t have nuts but I can imagine it and yes it hurts. I beleive it’s the feeling I got when my now ex-husband came home and told me he was cheating on me with someone at work. Ok fuck that, fuck u and everything you’ve ever said, done and all the people you know. Fuck your family and anyone who’s ever known you. I would get a warm fuzzy feeling if I found out you died in a fiery auto crash. I don’t know I guess I’m an old fashioned girl. It’s the little things in life that give me joy! Now as for the global warming thing I always figured it was ass muchers just trying to use it as a campaign thing and make money off it with all their commercials and shit showing the polar bears. The ice caps my ass! This shit has been happening for a long time. I usually get pissed at hackers but hell this guy at least did some good with his talents. People are too damn ignorant to go out and search for the truth, so he had to bring it to them. I like to have arguments about it, just makes me laugh when I hear people talk and they recycle the same bullshit everyone else says. And hell didn’t Al Gore invent the internet?? That is one genius man……………………. Just some more horseshit to add to the pot. lol


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