Government Cheese.

honest_panhandler_small1Since by this point even bloggers are requesting their own bail out I figure I might as well get in on the action.  Lets face it the money I take in from this cyber-space skid mark is minimal.  Well so minimal in fact that I don’t make any money at all.  However I still have overhead and thus this is keeping me perpetually in the red.  I know the auto industry is in the red as well but unlike them I don’t make crappy cars. I make crappy jokes something I feal is much more necessary in this world and less dangerous then the brake lines on a Chrysler or Chevy.  Granted I don’t have any workers but I do supply several industries with large amounts of money in order to write this tripe.

For every 1000 to 2000 words I write I require at least 6 twelve ounce bottles of Liquid Inspiration and one plate of nachos or can of wasabi peas.  This can get expensive since I refuse to lower myself to drinking the cheep shit or buying the off brand jalapeno cheese.

Since this post would put me at 205 articles minus the 23 or so posts that are just music videos and the 17 or so posts that are just links to other peoples tripe would make it about 165 posts with an average of 1300 words per post that would make if necessary to purchase at least 1287 bottles of Liquid Inspiration this is about about 214 six packs or 54 cases.  This is not cheep,  and we wouldn’t want me to post sober without inspiration now would we?

Secondly since unlike the people over at the Daily Kos I have a real job and don’t live in my parents basement so I have to do things like pay rent and utilities.  I also am not subsidized by a crazy Marxist billionaire so all of this having a real life and not leaching off of other people thing takes money out of my Drunken Ranting fund.  To say the least I need money… government money and unlike my old neighbor I’m not going to use me government check to buy crack and  heroine.  She was a nice lady other then the whole thing with drugs and randomly stabbing her boyfriend every other month but I’m not going down like that.  I am going to be doing something with the tax dollars the government steals from you and gives to me.     Look all I am asking for is a measly 150 million.  We waste billions in this country every day paying public school teachers to teach 12th graders how to read at a 3rd grade level is 150 million too much to ask for?  Plus unlike the public schools you will actually get something out of this investment.

Heres what your tax dollars stolen from you and given to me will proved:

1.  More Drunken ranting.

2.  A mini fridge  I can use just for beer so I don’t have to walk the extra five feet to the real fridge.  Plus I will have more room in the regular fridge for my collection of mustard and microwavable burritos.

3.  I can hire a staff of minions thus creating jobs.  The staffs duties will be to spread hate and discontent 24 hours a day in 120 different languages.  They will also get me beer and nachos.

4.  A new liver I think the old one is almost used up.

5.  I can upgrade my current computer an old Commodore 64 to a newer and faster Commodore 128.

6.  I will finally  purchase the 1967 GTO and the 1958 Chevy Bel Air I have always wanted thus helping to kick start the U.S. Auto Industry.

7.  I will  purchase as many paintings by Pablo Picasso as possible and burn them saving the world from ever having to look at that crap again.

8.  I will reanimate all the dead cast members  of Hogan’s Heros and put the show back on the air.  Consider this my gift to humanity similar to the burning up all the Picasso paintings thing.  The researched used here will also help me start my Zombie Army.

9.   For an extra 150 million on top of the first 150 million I will stop writing altogether thus saving you all from my wrath and poor spelling.

10.  I will release 1500 squirrels into the the House and the Senate on the 15th of every month except during a recess where I will fill both chambers with horse manure.

11.  I promise to buy at least $145,000  worth of guns and ammo helping to support the booming U.S. firearms industry.  They also make great Hanukkah or Christmas gifts.  Nothing says Happy Holidays like a new 45.  Plus I’m starting my own militia.

12. Hiring a full time staff will also let me branch out into other annoying ventures.  By that I will start my old comic strip back up and be able to offend people in art form.

13.  It keeps me from grave robbing.

14.  Seriously If I don’t get that money I’m going to dig up and sell Abraham Lincoln’s bones to the crazy guy from Pakistan that lives in my apartment complex.  I have no idea why he wants them but he is going to pay in cash.

15.  I will pay Lou Ferrigno to punch Joe Biden and Barney Frank in the face as hard as he can.

16.  I will use the money to make a film based on the comic book Johnny the Homicidal Maniac.  It will star Edward Furlong even if he is forced to do it at gunpoint.

17.  Buy more nachos, salt n’ viniger chips and gummy bears.

18.  I will buy a cage and lock up P. Diddy, Paris Hilton, Sean Penn, Hugo Chavez, Tom Cruse and Mariah Carry so we will never have to see these asshats again.

19.  I will burn down the entire town of Berkeley California.

See not only will people still get to enjoy my great writing and wonderful web site but they will get all these others things as well.  So hurry up and force Congress to give me my money!  Don’t make me come over to your house…

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4 Comments

  1. You had me at nachos, squirrels, Hogan’s Heroes, and guns. But 18 and 19, bring a tear of joy to the eye. Clearly for those two alone, you should get some bailout cash.

  2. Yeah nice list there, sounds like a lot of better reasons than what government uses these days to burn through our money!

  3. Be careful or Pocono might find you here!

  4. I have invited her here before so I’m not very worried about it.


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