So since it dawned on me the other day that most of my friends are either getting married or already married I might as well get into the act as well. Now since I don’t usually leave my house to do anything other then go to work, get more beer, and sometimes kill a hippie or drifter, I figured my best hope would be to take applications on my hate speech web site.
HERE IT IS LET”S START THE STUPIDITY!
Fist my good points:
1. I am gainfully employed.
2. I have never been convicted of a crime that involved, Murder, farm animals, rape, or grave robbing.
3. I have never had sex with Paris Hilton.
4. I am occasionally sober.
5. I can sit through a “chick-flick” as long as I get to treat it like Mystery Theater 3000.
6. I have invented over 500 new curse words.
7. I don’t own a T.V. so I might pay attention to you. I got a T.V. but I don’t use it much, so it’s almost still OK.
8. I know how to properly cook dog meat.
9. I shower daily.
10. I’m not a hippie.
11. I am in no way related to the following people, Al Gore, Hitler, Noam Chomsky, Pol Pot, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, George Lucas, Al Sharpton, David Duke, Brittany Spears, or the cast of “Rent”.
12. I don’t have any communicable diseases.
13. I’m good a drunken Karaoke.
14. I am not a communist (see #1).
15. I have life insurance (I don’t know why since I’m not married).
16. I don’t have any kids and have never been arrested for trying to sell them.
17. I don’t have a Facebook profile.
18. I’m not a vegan and therefore healthy.
19. I have never killed a hooker for fun.
20. I have been told that I am at least moderately attractive, or at least not hideous.
21. I can get you a green card.
22. I do not now or have ever owned a Mariah Carey CD.
22. I will never ask for anal sex for either me or you.
23. I have seen the inside of a gym and sometimes do things there..
24. I promise that I will always put you first. Right after my collection of guns and Misfits records.
25. I know how to make a proper Martini.
26. You aren’t getting any younger and might want to lower you standards a little.
27. I know how to properly dispose of unwanted corpses.
28. I know the correct answer to the question “do these pants make my ass look fat?”.
29. I know the difference between good and bad techno (if it’s techno it’s probably bad).
30. I would be to lazy to kill you for insurance money.
So now that we see all of my fine points her are some of my requests:
1. Lower your standards you aren’t that cute (but I’ll tell you you are to get some).
2. You must hate “performance Art”.
3. Understand that Balzac is the Best Japanese punk band of all time.
4. Have minimal “daddy issues”.
5. Body description cannot include the words twig or marshmallow.
6. Understand some English or be really good at charades.
7. Have a job.
8. Not have track marks.
9. Be able to sit through bad Japanese Yakuza films.
10. Not currently in prison.
11. Not a hippie. must be showered/shaved.
12. Does not listen to emo, pop-punk, the Grateful Dead or Phish.
13. You can be bat-shit insane as long as it’s fun.
14. Must be Japanese.
15. Never mind #14. As long as you are a woman, and not if you got surgery to become a woman. That does not make you a woman, you have an XY chromosome you are a man no matter how many “alterations” you do. So stay the fuck away you freak.
16. Must understand that Budweiser is not beer it’s moose piss and rubbing alcohol.
17. Be able to hold your liquor because if you are going to be married to me you might need it.
RULES:
1. Lose most of you self esteem it will make this a whole lot easier on both of us.
2. Post things about yourself so we can build a relationship.
3. Please ask me for money due to some “strange circumstance” so I know you are really some dude from Nigeria trying to rob me.
4. Remember please be nice to the other girls they might have feelings, or guns.
5. Drink heavily.
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Greetings kind sir.
Due to strange circumstances, my goats, my Hoisky and my half-russian half-japanese half-korean sister in law were killed. My other half-russian half-japanese half-korean sister in law, who is a mixture between a twig and a marshmallow, is willing to make hand-party to you all night, every night, if you send a check addressed to:
Nigerian National Lottery
1 Bankruptcy Way,
Satanville, Alaska
In the value of ONE HUNDRED MILLION ZIMBABWE DOLLARS AND TWO WON, so that I may buy a loaf of bread and a new sister-in-law to have hand party with.
Thank you please, and remember, we’re honest in Nigeria!
You do realize that a hundred million Zimbabwe dollars worth less than 2 Won, and 2 Won isn’t worth anything right? Anyway it sounds like a good deal, the check is in the mail.
Oh one more thing is it North or South Korean Won we are talking about here?
North Korean of course, kind sir!
Thank-you for your check, and please prepare to receive spam wives in T minus 10 days
Yes, I am aware that the value of the Won is a pile of stinky Mugabe shit-but I like the sound of the Won. Also, A Hundred Million Zimbabwe Dollars is enough to buy me two new half-russian half-japanese half-korean sisters in law. Good Times!
Spamming you and for always,
–The Office of the Nigerian Finance Minister